Talking About Problems. . .

"WHAT - You talkin' to Me ???"

(By R Butch David)

Recently, I came across another relationship website, so I'm checking it out (lots of stuff there). And of course, like in most sources, there's the usual sorting out of the "Meat and Bones".

I remember early on when a good friend first started helping me to see some things about myself and my relationships. With a lot of practice,
I eventually began to think of problems that I was experiencing in a relationship as being "opportunities,"  and not so much as being "obstacles." It was a lot more about learning how to Love and Forgive, than it was about who was to blame for hurting me or letting me down. Healthy communication was something I had to learn - and I'm still learning. Still, problems and hurts are going to occur in every relationship - that's all part of "none of us being perfect." I agree with what my friend showed me. It's a far more relationally-healthy approach to tell someone, "When you did this, or said that - I felt . . . (such and such)" 

But then again, if you could "care less" about the person whom you feel offended you (and you have decidedly "written them off"), and you have no ability or willingness to Forgive, than it's probably in your own best interest to "blast them" and condemn them to hell. Of course, when that is our (wounded) choice, as one would say. . . "Let me know how that works out for you?"  Bitterness, resentment, anger and unforgiveness usually does far more harm to the person who carries it, than it does to the person whom it is directed toward.

Enclosed below is a short article, from a website, which has to do with communicating about problems in relationships. It can be found at: http://www.truthaboutdeception.com (found under Relationship Issues).

Remember. . . LNF - LAF (Love Never Fails - Love Always Forgives).

What is the BEST WAY to
Talk About Problems?

When problems arise in a relationship, couples are often told they need to "communicate" - or talk to each other.

In many cases, however, couples do not know how to talk about problems and communication only makes the situation worse.

For the most part, there are two basic ways talking about problems: Direct Accusation versus Problem Identification (described below). Unfortunately, most couples use Direct Accusation rather than Problem Identification when trying to resolve conflict.

The idea that Problem Identification is a better way of solving problems draws upon Gibb's work on defensive communication and Cupach and Canary's work on conflict management. Cupach and Canary's book is a great resource for dealing with conflict management.

Direct Accusation 

(Focus on Partner’s Behavior)

When upset or angry, many people confront their spouses by focusing on their partner’s behavior. These accusations can be made directly “I am upset because you…” or even in the form of a question “Why did you…?”

The motivation behind making such accusations is typically to change a spouse’s or partner’s behavior. People believe that if 

they get upset and point out their partner’s mistakes, things will change. This rarely works.

If you accuse a partner of wrongdoing, partners typically:

• get defensive – fight back or withdraw (stop listening)

• offer an (insincere) apology designed to stop your attack

• hide and conceal similar behavior in the future

The long term outcome of directly confronting a partner is:

• increased distance

• less understanding and greater dissatisfaction

• the lack of a genuine resolution

• increased future conflict

  

A more effective approach involves focusing on one’s feelings, and NOT on a partner’s behavior.

Problem Identification 

(Focus on One’s Feelings)

A better way to resolve relationship problems involves focusing on one’s feelings, rather than blaming a partner for what happened (even if [you feel - rd] your partner deserves blame).

It is easier for a partner or spouse to hear what you have to say when 

you focus on your own feelings and not dwell on his or her mistakes. For example, if your spouse has a habit of coming home late – rather than make a direct accusation – “I hate when you're so late – why do you do that?” – it helps if you can focus on your feelings instead “I am feeling sad and a little frustrated. I sometimes feel lonely when you are not home.”

When trying to discuss a problem - it's important not to assign blame. Even saying something as simple as "It makes me feel uncomfortable..." can come across as an accusation - leading to a defensive response. Phrasing a concern as "I feel..." rather than
"It makes..." is a more effective way of solving problems.

Your motivation for dealing with problems this way should be to get 

your partner to hear what you have to say. If you can get your partner to understand your point of view, you are much more likely to create a meaningful and lasting resolution.

By focusing on your feelings instead of your spouse’s behavior, partners are more likely to:

• listen to what you have to say

• empathize with your position

• discuss the problem in a constructive manner

And there are many benefits of approaching relationship problems with this way:

• increased closeness, satisfaction and understanding

• greater potential for resolution and change

• less future conflict

Simply put, directly confronting a partner often leads to greater resistance, more conflict and deception. Of course, it is easier to get angry and make accusations, but doing so rarely leads positive, long term outcomes.

A Personal Testimony

Christ's Healing Confirmation

(By R Butch David)

Dear Friends,

Many of you have responded to my forwarding these "Daily Readings"
from John Eldredge (enclosed below) - Thank You. My hope is, that you continue to be blessed and enlightened by John's messages - I feel he is bringing forth the Truth (Way and Life).

To me, I've come to believe that if Jesus ONLY purpose was about dealing with the issue of Heaven and hell, than "Why didn't He just come down on a Thursday afternoon and be home (back in Heaven) in time for Sunday Brunch?" Yeah, by Grace, I found out Christ was about a bit more than just that. It would seem that God wanted to "expand my Theology" and understanding, just a bit. He also desired a change (Healing) in me. I feel He's probably wanting to do that for all of us. . . 

if we are willing.

While on my Healing Journey for only a short time now (a little over 2-1/2 years), I first came to know of Eldredge when my Brother-in-Law (Bill) in Columbus lovingly reached out to help me, back in 2008. Bill sent me a copy of Eldredge's book, Wild at Heart. At that time, God seemed to be confirming to me His Desire for the Healing of my (severely) broken heart, by sending me the same "message" over and over, through various people that were coming into my life.

First there was Sam, then Daniel and Olya, then Ken, then Dave and 

Rich and Kevin and Randy and Paul and Dottie, and others (you know who you are - Thank You! ). And, the ever-increasing list of "Christ's Healing Confirmation" through those He was touching in this Way, just kept growing - Glory to God. The interesting thing is though. . . I never ASKED for any of these kind-hearted, understanding, unconditionally loving, forgiving, compassionate and caring people - they just started "showing up" in my life. And all I did, one day while I was crying on my knees on 

my kitchen floor (it FELT like tears of blood), was to cry out to Christ - "Jesus, I NEED to get well."

Since that time, I've been on this Wonderful Healing Journey - and its a Transformational (Sanctifying) Process. Often now, when I cry, my tears are somehow filled with Joy. Again, Praise and Glory to God.

Here's the latest "Confirmation" of Christ's Purpose  by John Eldredge.

(As proclaimed by Jesus, in Luke 4:18 - 21)

LNF (Love Never Fails) - LAF (Love Always Forgives),

Roger

The Stream of Healing 

(by John Eldredge)

For this people's heart has become calloused;

they hardly hear with their ears,

and they have closed their eyes.

Otherwise they might see with their eyes,

hear with their ears,

understand with their hearts

and turn, and I would heal them. (Matt. 13:15)

"And I would heal them." That's a different offer from: "And I would forgive them." It's a different offer from: "And I will give them a place 

in heaven." No, Jesus is offering healing to us. Look at what he does to people who are broken. How does he handle them? The blind are able to see like a hawk. The deaf are able to hear a pin drop. The lame do hurdles. The corroding skin of the leper is cleansed and made new. The woman with the issue of blood stops hemorrhaging. The paralyzed servant hops out of bed. They are, every last one of them, healed. Now follow this closely: everything Jesus did was to illustrate what he was trying to say. Here - look at this. . . this is what I'm offering to do for you. Not just 

for your body, but more important, for your soul. I can heal your heart. I can restore your soul.

(From the Eldredge Book, Waking the Dead, pp.134-35)

Hurts & Rugs, Specks & Logs

Let’s ALL Take "The Dixie-Cup Test" *

(By Copan & David)

 

*CAUTION: The following article contains some direct quotes,
in the words and language used, which may be viewed as
"harsh and innappropriate" by some readers. However, to quote (paraphrase) author Larry Crabb from his book Shattered Dreams,  

"Quite often, some people in the church are more concerned
with the language that others use, rather than the
    heartfelt feelings and pain which are being expressed. . .
and that is most unfortunate."

My friend called the other morning with a request. After a meeting he had with another friend, he asked me to send him a copy of the article I wrote called, The Dixie-Cup Test. He said he had told his friend about it and the other guy “cracked up laughing and thought it was great.” Well, as Forrest Gump would say, “Now, I don’t know much about that.” Unfortunately, at that time, I never wrote the article. It was just something we had talked about, more than once, after a get-together we had attended nearly a
year earlier.

At that time, another close friend was stating their case against someone who had hurt them – and rightfully so. They had been hurt real badly, over and over. I think we’ve all experienced that at one time or another. Still,
it was during that get-together where the subject of “wrongs and hurts”
(sins) came up. So here goes, as I attempt to share our thoughts on
Hurts & Rugs, Specks & Logs – Let's ALL Take "The Dixie Cup Test". But first, let me share some lyrics from a song called Sanctify Me.

I was talking to God about you,
and He showed me the STICK in my eye.
I was hoping to criticize you,
but His Truth made me realize. . .
It’s not you who’s the problem, it’s me –
I’m as blind as a fool could be.
When I think of all I have to give,
it’s like dirty rags, Lord, let me live.

Oh Lord, Sanctify Me –
Make me clean and let me see.
Oh Lord, will You Sanctify Me –
And make me all You want me to be.

Hurts & Rugs

I think every one of us has experienced “the Formula” in our lives – HPx2 (Hurt People, hurt people). Most of the time, we’re not hurting others and they are not hurting us, intentionally. But unfortunately, the hurts (wounds) still happen in relationships. I think that’s because learning how to Love unconditionally, like learning how to Forgive (from the heart), is a process – it’s all part of the Journey for each of us. . . IF we're willing?

I think rugs are great for bare floors, but rugs really aren't so great for bare hearts. Love, in most relationships, usually involves some degree of transparency, vulnerability and trust, among other things. Often, but not always, the more “In Love” we are with someone, the more willing and
able we are to bare our hearts and souls to that person – that is to say, our personal Joys and Aches. Unfortunately, I think most of my past relationships also came with rugs. In so much, I would often look past a particular offense (hurt) that I received from someone. It would appear that the more I loved someone, the more I was (seemingly) willing to “just let
it go.” After all, “Love covers a multitude of sins (hurts),” right? In my hidden pride, maybe I pretended I was a “bigger or better person” than that, rather then tell them how I really felt. Maybe in my imagination, I pretended that the offense of what someone said or did, or perhaps didn’t say or do, really didn’t bother me. In that relationship, I just swept it (the hurt) under the rug. Let’s just keep everything nice and clean, and move on – Oh really?

But in a deeper reality, those hurts DID BOTHER ME. I think that in some hidden place in my wounded and broken heart, I felt I had tucked that hurt away – perhaps maybe in one of the cracks. Unfortunately, I found out later that I was silently “keeping score.” Over time, I came to acknowledge that “If Love keeps no record of wrongs, then why do I have a score SO STEEP?” After many years of sweeping all the “little hurts” under the rug, I think the lump became so big that one day I tripped over it – and broke my neck, or maybe it was my back, or maybe it was just my heart that was broken. I think the same thing happens to others. It would seem that the “sun went down on my (our) anger” regarding those hurts, over and over – for many years.

The hurts in that relationship eventually added up and the infection from those wounds kept growing. My inability to deal with hurtful issues in a healthy and healing way, as they occurred, didn’t help. My “niceness” in not wanting (or being able) to express my feelings, as the offense took place, was actually quite contrary to what Jesus instructs. He says,
“If your brother (or sister) offends (hurts) you, go and TELL THEM.”

I had to learn how to do that – without being condemning or judgmental. I had to learn how to share with someone about what they did or said, and how I felt as a result. I also had to learn how to validate and acknowledge them when I had done something hurtful, so as not to deny their feelings. Granted, the other person also has to be willing to work through the issues (hurts) as they happen, as well. Relationships are often like a dance contest and I’ve learned it does “Take two to Tango” if you’re going to “Win the Prize”.

But sometimes, I’ve experienced the offense may have happened so quickly that I didn’t have time, at that moment, to address what took place. Nor, was I able to truly identify and understand my own feelings and share with someone, why I felt hurt. I’ve been learning
to take “the hurt” to the Lord when that happens.

Specks & Logs

When things aren’t going well in relationships, it’s often quite common for one or both partners to engage in "The Blame Game." Personally, I do believe in the “pointing the finger”. . . I’ve just learned to do that in front of
a mirror, before I ever do it in front of a window. You see, there’s something about “first removing the log from your own eye, so that you can see clearly how to remove the speck from someone else’s. . .” Strange thing is though, about specks and logs. It would seem that often when
I brought something to God, as a complaint against someone else,
He would show me that I was guilty of the same thing, or worse.

I’d thought, “they weren’t there for me” – and truly, neither was I there
for them. I thought, “they just aren’t treating me fairly or with love and kindness” – and neither was I treating them likewise. I felt “unappreciated in my efforts” – and in reality, I’d been most unappreciative of their efforts for me. I felt “judged and condemned” – but maybe, I had been judgmental and condemning of them, as well. And, I'm sure I had thoughts like,
“I would never. . .” – but in fact I had, and did. I could go on, but I think
you get the point. Needless to say, I don’t think any of us really has a handle on how to Forgive, “Seventy Times Seven” when someone has hurt us, especially more than once.

There are lots of hurts (trespasses) that each of us has experienced
from those who claim to love us. Hurts like adultery, murder (even if it’s only in our minds), stealing, lying, cheating, selfishness, unfairness, unappreciation, invalidation, jealousy, bitterness, quarreling, resentment, judgment, condemnation, being taken for granted or advantage of, and even a genuine lack of heartfelt concern, and let’s not forget – a lack of forgiveness, from the heart. Those are just some of the hurts we’ve each experienced and, often unintentionally, have put upon others whom we
are supposed to love, as well. Yes, maybe those are the very things we’re holding against someone else, that we’re actually guilty of ourselves. You know, it’s the “Speck and the Log” thing. I really wonder where all of those hurts (sins) line up with Christ, in terms of which one is the worst? Surely, adultery and murder have to be at the top of the “worst sins” list. Oh, and how about the sin of “My shit don’t stink”? I wonder where that one falls in Christ’s list of “bad to worst sins.”

The Dixie-Cup Test

How about if each one of us, who is finding fault with someone else, takes a crap in a little Dixie-Cup and sets it up on a shelf to be examined. In fact, maybe we should all do that. And, I wonder “who’s cup” wouldn’t stink? I believe what Jesus said – “Why do you judge (and find fault with) your neighbor when you, too, are guilty of the same things?” “Do NOT judge, as for how you judge another, you too shall be judged.” Wow! – I came to see that I had so much crap (woundedness) in my own heart, that a Dixie-Cup probably wouldn’t hold it all. And, those wounds were coming out in all sorts of, let's say, less than loving ways.
It didn't happen all the time, but when it did. . . Watch out, that's all. 

Ideally, I believe that’s where Christ comes in – to help clean up our crap. That is to say, “to Heal our broken hearts (wounds).” Sometimes we have to be blinded, before we can truly see. By Grace, I do know what that’s like. Fortunately, Jesus also said that He came “to restore sight to the blind” – like me. Still, it’s a Journey for each of us who, indeed, want to follow. . . and for those of us who truly “want to get well” (be Healed).

I’ve come to the place of wanting to have more honesty and openness in all my relationships. Since being on my Healing Journey, I’ve been blessed with others who, like me, are learning HOW to address the hurts as they happen. We’re also learning how to share our feelings with others, without judgment or condemnation.

It’s become an unwritten rule in many of these relationships. . . like an agreed “healthy understanding.” That is, whenever any of us does or says something that hurts or offends another, we talk about it as
it happens – when that’s possible. It a difficult process to learn and practice, but it’s quite possible when two people are of the same mindset and heart (Spirit). One Heart Matters – and the sooner we recognize that True Love comes from the heart, the sooner we’ll all be FREE to Love each other unconditionally and to Forgive – the way Christ Loves and Forgives each of us.

P.S. I’m not sure that Forrest Gump would “crack up” and think any of

this is all that funny. However, he did say, “I might not be a smart man, but I do know what Love is.” And without the willingness to Forgive, from the Heart, we will have no capacity to Truly Love. Ideally, when it comes to our most personal and intimate relationships, there's just the two of us. . . and without Love, we are nothing. I hope you enjoy the music video and the short story (true account) that follows.

*The Account of God and Two Men
[or Two Women, or a Man and a Woman – You get to choose]

(Jesus, from the Book of Luke 18: 9-14)

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable:

"Two men (or women) went up to the Church to pray, one a Pharisee
(a Good, Honorable, Religious, Holy, Proper and [self] Righteous Man)
and the other a tax collector (someone who obviously “Had PROBLEMS” and who was a Sinner). The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men – robbers, evildoers, adulterers – or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give
a tenth of all I get.' 

"But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a Sinner’.” 

"I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

  

About Forgiveness. . .

And sometimes, it's PLAIN DAMN HARD!

"It's quite true that a 'Lack of Forgiveness' from the Heart, 
as Jesus taught, often does more harm to the person who carries it, 
than it does to the person who isn't being Forgiven.

True Forgiveness is MORE than a simple act of the will.
It's a HEARTFELT RELEASE of our judgments against another, 

 and that's a LOT more complicated. Unforgiveness is one of 
the terrible ways we bind people on earth. Heartfelt Forgiveness is one of the marvelous ways we can loose them. If you're having 
a hard time forgiving, relax. . . ask the Lord for help.

Pray for wisdom, work on healing your own pain, and ask Christ to enable you to release your judgments. If necessary, talk through the issues with the people who have wronged you. One way or another, you'll EVENTUALLY be able to Forgive them from the heart. . . 

How do you KNOW when you've done that? If you find
yourself saying, "I forgive you, but I never want to see you again" -
YOU HAVE NOT FORGIVEN.

(Ken Unger - TransformationIncorporated.com)

How to Forgive Someone

(An Internet Article by Jim Messina)

It's likely you've felt hurt by people in your life by something they said, did or did not do to you. Most probably, you have not always forgiven these people. In fact, you have probably harbored a deep resentment toward them for the way they hurt you. But now, you recognize that it's not good for you to harbor such resentments since they tend to bring you down and depress you. The way to deal with the situation is to revisit and resolve it and that entails forgiving the person who hurt you. Unsure how to do it? Sure you are. But it's not as difficult as you might first think. Here's how to go about forgiving people for something they did in the past-possibly something they don't even remember doing or saying to you.

Step 1 - Recognize the people against whom you harbor resentments: When you are with a person, be it a family member, friend, work colleague, neighbor or associate, and you feel an inner repulsion or negative impulse to avoid and negate them from your space, you can be sure you're resentful towards this person for some reason.

Step 2 - Recognize what the person did that causes you to harbor a resentment: Scroll through the history of your life to identify just what it was that this person you hold a resentment for said or did that hurt you so badly. See TIPS below for identifying what could be the thing that holds your resentment to this person.

Step 3 - Identify for what you are forgiving this person in a script: Now that you have identified the person you want to forgive, you need to get down in writing a "script" which you will follow as you tell this person that you are forgiving her for what was done. See TIPS below for writing a forgiveness script.

Step 4 - Make an assessment as to whether the person is able to receive being forgiven: You need to be sure that if you take the risk to forgive this person that the person will accept it the way it's intended. If the person does not accept your forgiveness in the right way there is a good chance that you will be hurt again-but this time in a more destructive way because your "good intentions" were not accepted in a healing way. If your gesture gets ignored or "played down" then you will feel devalued, unloved, and dismissed all over again by this person. Even if the person is not ready to accept your forgiveness you still need to go to the next step.

Step 5 - Proceed to forgive the person in your heart for the hurts from the past: Once you have scripted out what you are forgiving this person for, do this forgiveness script over and over again in your mind so that, in your heart of hearts, you have forgiven this person for the past hurt.

Continue to work on the forgiveness within your heart over and over again if, by chance, you fall back into hurt and resentment towards this person in the future. Now, however, if in Step 4, after assessing the potential of this person's ability to hear your offer of forgiveness, you recognized that this person was indeed capable of accepting an open statement of forgiveness from you, then you move on to the next step.

Step 6 - Proceed with forgiving the person face to face: Contact the target of your forgiveness to set up a time to meet. Let the person know that you would like the meeting to be held in a quiet setting with no interruptions so that you can share a heartfelt and private concern with the person. Once the person and you are alone in an appropriate environment, proceed to tell the person your script which you prepared in Step 3. Use the TIPS below for how to conduct yourself at this meeting. Also check out the Warnings for what not to expect from this meeting.

Tips & Warnings

How to Identifying the Source of Resentment: Try to figure out: was it an act of commission (meaning the person did something to you directly) or was it an act of omission (meaning the person did not do something to you directly which you wish they had done for you - like accepting your offer to a prom, accepting your offer of engagement, recognized your value and worth as a human being, giving you the job you wanted, etc).

How to Prepare a Forgiveness Script: To prepare your script you need to consider the following: 1. Identify the situation: "When you did such and such to me..." 2. Identify how you felt about it: "I felt such and such ..."(put in how you felt at the time and still feel in some cases). 3. Identify that you now want to forgive this person for what the person did: "When you did such and such, I felt such and such. I want you to know that I forgive you for this and hope that from this point on that we can have a healthy and productive relationship with no harboring of ill will or resentment over this past offense."

What to Assess if a Person is Able to Accept Your Forgiveness: These are some things to look for to determine if a person is ready to receive your heartfelt forgiveness: 1. Does this person have an addiction problem (such as alcohol or drug dependency; gambling; sexual addiction; etc) and is incapable of understanding your offer of forgiveness? 2. Is this person open to "psychologically or spiritually minded" discussions, or is this person so narrow minded that your offer of forgiveness will be handled in a mean spirited way by being put down or diminished? 3. Does this person have an open mind to hear what you have to say or is this person so closed minded that anything you did say in the process of forgiving would be turned around to make you "look stupid" for bringing this issue up in the first place? If the person you want to forgive fits any of the above categories, then you need to forgive this person in your heart but not in an open communications process

What to Do in Your Face to Face Forgiveness Meeting: • Allow the person to feel your sincere feelings of forgiveness. • Let this person see that your words are coming from your heart and that no one has coerced or forced you to take this step. • Help this person recognize that you do not need this person to accept your forgiveness for you to forgive this person. • Let this person know that from this point on in your life you want transparency and openness with him or her. • Let the person know that if in the future, something is said or done in an hurtful way in your dealings together, let the person know that you want to honest, assertive and straight forward and let this person know on the spot. • Make sure the person is clear that at no point in this forgiveness process are you trying to inflict guilt or shame on the person for what that person did in the past • Help the person see that your heart is in need of healing and the best way for you to do this was the pathway of forgiveness of other

What not to expect from a Face to Face Forgiveness Meeting: • Do not expect anything else from this meeting. Do not expect the person to fully understand the importance of why you have just done what you did.

About the Author – Jim Messina: I am a licensed psychologist with over 35 years of experience. I now provide services to children and adults with cancer and to their caretakers and families. I also teach in the Masters Counseling Program at Argosy University. I have written self-help books which are now all available as free-public readings at www.coping.org. My professional career passion has been to assist people improve their low self-esteem. I have been married 35 years and my wife and I have two adult children. You can read more information from Jim at his website: http://www.jamesjmessina.com/home.html

Our Hearts are like Coins

There can be Joy or Sadness on Either Side

 
(By R Butch David)

I think many of us can identify with one of the lines from the movie With Honors, starring Joe Pesci. As he's talking with some college students about personal relationships, he brings some of his own conclusions into the light. . . "joy-ache, joy-ache, joy-ache." In terms of our real-life relationships, I think we’ve all had experiences which we may remember as being good AND bad. Granted, most people are not all good or all bad and most of us would admit that we all have room for some improvement, individually. But typically, we want to KEEP our good relationships and we want to LOSE the bad ones. We want to hold onto the pleasant memories we have, but we want to throw away the hurtful ones. Some experiences we want to remember and others. . . we simply want to forget.

It’s a noted psychological fact that as human beings, we have an innate ability to suppress and repress our thoughts, feelings and experiences that are unpleasant or painful. It's quite common that if our memories of a particular experience or relationship are causing us pain, we would want to forget about them or avoid them. I recall someone who once said, “Why would anyone want to talk about (or remember) things that bother them?”

But what if the memories we have are positive, joyful and loving - wouldn't we want to remember and cherish them? And there in, lies the problem. Good or bad, we've already had the experience along with our associated feelings. The memory of what we've encountered, now exists. And yet, sometimes the good things we've experienced can bring us pain, as well. So, what do we do with all that. . . STUFF?

One would think that the positive experiences we’ve had would produce good and pleasant feelings and the negative experiences we’ve had would result in bad or hurtful feelings. But what if we’ve experienced a heartfelt loss and the good things we remember about. . . are causing us pain or sadness? What if we have some fond and loving memories of a particular relationship, event or experience? Our Hearts are like Coins. . . There can be Joy or Sadness on Either Side. Yeah, sometimes I agree with Joe. . . "joy-ache, joy-ache." That's the REAL part of life.

While on my Healing Journey, I’ve come to learn and accept that the pain isn’t the problem, rather, it’s just the symptom. The real problem is the hurt, perhaps coming from the feeling of a loss, that’s causing the pain. And, I’ve found the real solution isn’t in trying to forget about the memory or experience, hoping to get past it or attempting to move on. But rather, the Healing Solution is in dealing with the underlying hurt that’s causing the pain – to get it healed. I think that’s part of what is meant by each of us "needing to deal with our own STUFF.” But again, what do we do if it's the “good memories” that are causing us pain? I know how that feels - and it HURTS. . . sometimes, it hurts real badly.

I’ve come to learn that regardless of where the pain I’m experiencing is coming from – whether it’s being caused by good or bad memories, I needed to face my pain. That is, I need to go “into the hurt" which is causing the pain, with Christ, to get it healed. Rather than running away from or avoiding people, places, circumstances, events or things that would remind me of the hurt, I needed to experience them - again. Somehow by Grace, I needed to Trust Christ to “make ALL things new.” Still, that doesn’t mean that dealing with it won’t hurt – it probably will.
I’ve experienced that ALL “surgery” hurts, especially when it comes to HeartMatters. But, there’s healing on the other side - if we're willing.

When I was a very young child, I used to spend time with some neighbors across the street from my house. My parents were often busy, so I would go over and visit with Mr. and Mrs. Clayton. They were a bit older than my parents and their kids were all grown up. I had fun going over to their house. Mrs. Clayton gave me a lot of attention, like my grandma did. And Mr. Clayton, well, he was a “Bee-Keeper.” He wasn’t afraid of bees like I was – he had a bee-suit. When he would get dressed up in it, he looked like a spaceman. Mr. Clayton also had a dog. He was a purebred Beagle and his name was Sam. I liked dogs. We used to have a dog, but she got too old and sick, and had to be put down. Sometimes, my mom had a calming way of explaining things to me and she told me we’d get another dog, someday.

One day, I went over to Mr. Clayton’s while he was working in his garage. He had all kinds of neat stuff. He was often fixing things and sometimes he was even building a new bee hive box. He'd let me wander around and look at things. I enjoyed spending time in his garage. His dog Sam was almost always around. I liked Sam and he liked me. He would wag his tail whenever he saw me, he’d give me kisses and he barked funny, too.

While I was watching Mr. Clayton fix something, a big wind came in and blew some trash out of the garbage can. In an effort to be helpful, I started to pick up the trash and put it back in. Unfortunately, one of the things that fell out of the garbage can was a bag from Sam’s dog food. As I picked it up, Sam attacked me. He literally sunk his teeth into my left knee and wouldn’t let go. It was a painfully frightful experience. Mr. Clayton came to the rescue and Mrs. Clayton carried me back across the street, running to my house. I was shaken up and bleeding pretty badly. My mom took me to the hospital – I had to get rabies shots.

I didn’t understand why Sam the Beagle would do that. I loved Sam and I thought he loved me. We had fun playing together. Later on, my mom explained that Sam probably thought I was trying to take his food away, even though the bag was empty. I was reassured that Sam wasn’t bad and that all dogs weren’t bad. But after that, Sam had to be on a leash. From that time on, I kind of stayed away from Sam - until I was older.

Quite soon after that experience, my mom made it a point to take me around other dogs, mostly puppies, and within the next few years we got another dog, ourselves. With her caring reassurance, she had me face the pain of that one unfortunate experience by being around more dogs.
It was either that, or I could be afraid of dogs for the rest of my life. I think she wanted me to be healed from that one experience so that I could continue to have good experiences and loving memories with dogs, in the future. I think, as Forrest Gump would say,  "My mom - she was a pretty-smart Lady." And, I've experienced that God puts people in our lives to help us - if we're willing "to do the work." Christ's Transformational Healing is often an ongoing process.

To this day, I love dogs and dogs seem to love me – well, maybe not Sam the Beagle, but that’s okay. Dogs seem to exhibit a true unconditional kind of love. Even in my present life, I really don’t believe that my dog would EVER hurt me. Funny though, one of my closest, most caring, loving, gentle and life-long friends after 37-years, is named. . . “Sam.” Coincidence? – I don’t think so. I think God has been trying to show me something – even perhaps, to make it up to me. I believe our Father
Loves EACH OF US that much. God knows about every hurt we’ve ever encountered, in each of our lives – when those hurts happened, who was involved and how badly we were hurt. It’s His Good Intention to Heal us from the hurts of our past and present, and lead us on His Path, forward.

Regardless of whether the memories we have of someone (or some experience) are good or bad, positive or negative, memorable or perhaps forgettable, I’ve come to realize there can be pain involved. Truly, I've come to experience and know, Our Hearts ARE like Coins. . . There can be Joy or Sadness on Either Side. I’ve learned that if it hurts, I need to face the pain from those feelings and go into it. Whether it’s from pleasant memories which are past, or painful memories which I might WANT to pass – I need to acknowledge the feelings and deal with it.

Christ is allowing the pain, so that He can Heal the associated hurt or loss that’s causing the pain. That’s what He’s good at – in fact, He alone is Perfect. In addition to His Salvation for us, Jesus was anointed and sent to, “. . . heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised. . .” (Luke 4:18 and Isaiah 61:1). A songwriter I know once wrote, “Break those chains, that keep you falling down. . . take hold of His (Healing) Love that sets you FREE.” Christ is able and willing to do that, regardless of whether the pain we’re feeling is from the good things we’ve experienced or the bad. I believe that ALL of us have been broken or bruised, at one time or another, in our relationships with others. . . And some of us, more than once if not, many times. The real question is – are we willing to “deal with that stuff?” In effect, do we “want to get well?”

I remember asking a close friend, “How will I know when I’m Truly Healed from that. . . ?” He said, “That’s easy – You’ll be able to talk about that experience or relationship, whether it seemed good or bad, and it just won’t hurt anymore.” I’ve come to learn it’s the same way with Forgiveness.

When we’ve truly forgiven someone from the heart as Jesus showed us and commands, then, we’ll be able to think about that person with an appreciation, fondness and even Love. Maybe we’ll even be able to encounter that person again, and perhaps even have some kind of meaningful relationship with them – and it “just won’t hurt, anymore.”

Some things in life work out the way we want and sometimes, they don’t. I’ve come to learn that acceptance is a big part of life. Still, I’ve found that when Christ heals the hurt that is causing the pain, I can come to the place where I can truly say, “It is Okay. . . It is Well with my Soul.” As a close friend often says, “Love EVERYONE without expectations.” Sometimes that's not easy, but I've learned that with Christ, it is most definitely possible. 

(The preceding article was inspired by and written with sincere appreciation for two truly kind, caring and loving friends - Rosey and Curly. May "The Journey" continue, by Grace and with Faith in Christ, for all of us.)
 

The Prodigal's Brother

The “Third-Party” in the Account of the Prodigal Son

(By Copan & David)

We’ve all read, and perhaps experienced, the story. . . a son or child, or someone we love decides that life just isn’t what it should be or what they truly want, so they decide to leave and go their own way. Similarly, that happens in many relationships and often even in marriage. One day, all of the good intentions made at the altar can appear to have disappeared into non-existence. The reality is that people DO change their minds based upon how they feel.

Over time, the “for better or worse” dialogue made with sincere, loving and committed vows seems to reveal itself more as “for better. . . and damn it, it better getter better. . . or else.” Our expectations of how things should REALLY be start to take hold and, then eventually, may cause a person to give up and/or let go and move on. It often happens that as time goes on, many of us simply aren’t all that happy with the choices we’ve made. It’s also quite common that each of us in our relationships are going to let our partners down in one way or another. And when we’re let down or hurt, perhaps over and over, it’s also quite understandable to want to get away from that disappointment and resulting pain.

In the account of the Prodigal Son, Christ explains that the younger son decided he would be better off somewhere else, on his own. That too, is quite understandable as each of us needs to find our “own way” on our own path. After all, we can only do so much for so long. A friend described it as the “I, me, mine-phase of life.” Most of us go through it at one time or another, or eventually, we might.

As the story goes, the Father allows his son’s choice. Given his desires, freedom and his share of the family’s wealth and provisions, the son goes off on his journey – and it's probably true that he was gone for quite a long time. I recall there was a time that in my wounded and self-seeking spirit,
I was gone from those who loved me for a long time, as well. Maybe not physically, but still, it seemed my spirit was gone from those I once felt closest to. The unhealed hurts we carry in our hearts and continue to take on during the course of our lives can do that.

While on his freedom journey, the young son discovers a brand new life
for himself. No longer is he accountable, no longer is he directed – he’s free to do as he pleases, with no responsibilities to or from his past. Life
is brand new, exciting and free, and perhaps feels like a “fresh start” to
living. . . REALLY LIVING, for the first time. But, we all know how the account goes. Over time, perhaps again a long time, the young son’s
new life takes a turn.

Perhaps many of us have experienced that in our lives. Life seems to
be going great for a while and then it happens. . . and our self-absorbed, self-made world starts to get turned upside down. I’m reminded of what God says, “Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain.” I’ve wondered if I had “labored in vain” for so many years, myself. Was I really following the Lord’s plan for my life and seeking Him with my whole heart, or was I living my life from a twisted Psalm: “The Lord is my butler and I get whatever I want”? Was my life simply full of troubles, which we’ve all experienced in one way or another, or had I taken on so many hurts that I had been operating from a self-directed, self-preserving spirit which came from a wounded heart – one which only Christ could heal? I’m no longer working on the answer to that question – now I’m working on His solution, and truly, it’s a transforming process.

As the story continues, the newfound freedom and life of the wayward son fade into nothing, and he has a serious change of heart and mind. That change coming from a change in his circumstances. His wealth was gone, his good-times were over and his new life certainly wasn’t all that great, any longer. The lost son repents, not only of his “new life,” but also of his decision to leave in the first place. Sometimes I get the feeling that the road to the “narrow path” (of Christ) is along the “broad way” – and we simply have to go through it, to get to it. While he’s still on his journey returning home, his Father sees him. I get the sense that his Father had constantly been watching and praying for him, while he was gone – as he sees him “while he was still a long way off.” The Father runs to meet him and greets his son with open arms. The son openly confesses of his wrongdoing and unfaithfulness, both toward his Father and before God. Yet, the Father’s response is to clothe his son in Unconditional Love, Forgiveness and Righteousness. The Father NEVER closed the door on his son, who simply had to have his own way. That to me is Faithfulness – that to me is Commitment. Maybe a better name for this account, rather than the Story of the Prodigal Son is, “The Story of the Faithful, Loving and Forgiving Father.” I think the son realizes that his Father truly loves him, unconditionally.

Wouldn’t it be great if all of us could experience that kind of Unconditional Love, Forgiveness and even Restoration in our relationships? That is, to know and admit that we totally screwed up, maybe many times, and that whenever we changed our minds – to know that we would be forgiven, still loved and welcomed back with open arms. Sometimes it happens and many times, it doesn’t. Hurting people often continue to hurt people – and without the willingness to Forgive, the way our Father forgives us through Christ, we will have NO CAPACITY to Truly Love others. I’ve found it’s just that simple, but maybe for a still-wounded heart, Forgiveness from the heart can be as far away as the moon. It often happens that we learn best by truly experiencing “what its like,” for ourselves. . . even to be treated, the way we’ve treated others.

The “Third Party” in the Account of the Prodigal Son

It would seem that despite the Father’s acceptance of his lost son’s repentance, the older and faithful brother had a problem with what had transpired. After all, HE was faithful to his Father the whole time. HE did nothing wrong, obeyed every rule and seemingly respected his Father. But did he – really? His younger, selfish, self-centered and wayward brother finally comes back home. . . to a big party – and all of that, just because he said he “was sorry.” What a bunch of crap! How could his Father treat his betraying younger brother like that, especially after all the terrible, rotten things the younger unappreciative brother did? Not to mention ALL of the wonderful things the older brother remained faithful in to his Father – and besides, where was HIS big party? Wow, maybe with that kind of self-righteous thinking, each of us would be “pissed off,” as well. I wonder what kind of unhealed hurts the older brother had experienced in his life that he still carried in his heart?

Often, it happens that way in our broken relationships. Two people were involved. Both may admit they made some mistakes and weren’t perfect. Both may agree they probably let the other person down or hurt them. But, only one person “repents” (has a change of mind and heart) and the other feels self-justified and maybe even a little self-righteous. Our unhealed hurts can do that. And, so it was in this story. One person was willing to look at their own stuff (do the work), be accountable and even repent so they can and would change, and the other person can’t look in their own mirror or maybe, simply doesn’t want to go there. One person is willing to resolve the hurts and differences that exist. . . and the other isn’t.

I get the feeling after “doing his own thing,” that the wayward Prodigal Son perhaps saw his reflection in a mud puddle while tending to, and living with, the pigs. Perhaps the faithful older brother never got down, quite that low. Paul, for instance, had to be blinded before he could truly see. I think I’ve experienced that God needs to “knock each of us off our horses” before we can truly come to Him – and see things His Way. It hurts like hell when that happens, but somehow I feel it’s necessary. It was in my case, perhaps more than once. . . and over time, I became grateful.

I like the dialogue in the movie My Cousin Vinny, where Vinny keeps screwing up and then says, “I think I get it.” And the Judge says,
“No, I don’t think you do! You are now in contempt of Court.” The real difference being that Christ paid the price of Forgiveness for each of us. Our Father is NOT holding us in contempt, regardless of how often we fail. But that doesn’t mean that someone else won’t, like in
the case of the “Third Party” – the faithful, obedient, self-righteous brother (sister, relative, friend, or partner). Really? Yeah, unfortunately, it often goes that way.

For a while, I thought I had done everything God had asked me to do in trying to restore my broken relationships. I felt like I had been accountable for all of my wrong doing and repented as God instructed. And then, I felt like the “Prodigal Son” coming home. Except in some cases, I truly wasn’t received and I certainly didn’t feel forgiven. I felt I was accused even further and treated like I had leprosy. In some cases, it felt like others in my story were responding to my genuine repentance with a BIG “F_ _ _ You!”
And that kind of rejection hurt like hell. But Heartfelt Forgiveness,
like Heartfelt Love, is purely unconditional. At least it’s that way with our Father, because He understands our pain. Truly, “God IS Love” and His Heartfelt Forgiveness and Unconditional Love keeps no record of wrongs.

It was only after continuous support, encouragement and Unconditional Love from close friends (including prayer), that God showed me His truth. My Father NEVER had forsaken me or left me. My Father accepted my genuine repentance and heartfelt sorrow over my actions. My Father welcomed me with open arms and had prepared a place for me – as his long-lost child. And my Father rejoiced in my turning around. He NEVER rejected me. As for others in our lives, especially in our wounded and broken relationships. . . well, each of us gets to choose how we respond to someone else’s repentance. And, sometimes we’ll be received and other times we won’t. All of us have been given a free will and a choice.

Granted, relationships will take on many wounds over the years. Wounds that each of us carried into the relationship and wounds that we’ve put upon each other. Then of course, there are the wounds that each of us received from others, outside of the relationship. Combine all of those wounds and you’ve got one truly awful and hurtful mess – one that only God can heal. And indeed, Jesus declares even now, “I came to HEAL the brokenhearted.”

I’ve learned it’s okay, not to be forgiven by someone – so long as I accept that my Father forgives me. I’ve learned that people don’t have to love me – so long as I realize, in my Heart, that Christ loves me. I’ve also come to realize that God let me experience the pain of being rejected and hurt like that, so that I WON’T treat someone else that way. God let me experience just a little bit of what Christ went through – even if He went through all of that, just for me. Glory to God – the Faithful, Loving and Forgiving Father. These days, I often find myself praying, “Lord, teach me HOW to Love and Forgive others, the way You Love and Forgive me.” As I spoke with a dear friend the other day, he told me, “Sometimes the only way we can learn how to Truly Love, is to (get) hurt. . . and to hurt a lot.” That’s what Christ went through for us – an awful lot of hurt, just to show how much He Loves each of us, unconditionally.
 

Two Broken Pennies. . .

When That’s All We Have to Give

(By R Butch David)

This evening, I found myself thinking about “when?” When did this happen in my life, when did that happen and perhaps even why? We’ve all endured some painful experiences in our lives, and many of them have come through the hands of people whom we care about and love. I also thought about why would God allow any of this terrible stuff to happen to me? As I thought about so many of these painful experiences, I’ve often wondered where God was in all of this. Or maybe even, where He wasn’t and where had He gone. Then an even deeper question came to me – WHEN did God ever leave me?

It would appear to be true, that there are two things God simply cannot do. We know in Truth that God cannot lie. Yet, when I consider that His Word also says “He holds the universe in the span of His Hand,” I come to think about just how BIG His back must be. So, the second thing I believe God can’t do is turn His back on us. I think it’s just too big. After all, Jesus does say “Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you. . . EVER.”

I’ve come to learn that my expectations of others are often the things that hurt me the most. I used to find myself “SHOULDING” all over people. I've thought things like, “you SHOULD have done this,” or “they SHOULD have done that.”  

There were other times I've also thought about “SHOULD-NOTTING” on people. “She SHOULD-NOT have done that,” or “they SHOULD-NOT have said those hurtful things.” But either way, it was really my “expectation” of what others should or should not do, that wound up hurting me. And unfortunately, that unhealthy and hurtful attitude on my part also wound up hurting the other person (even more).

A friend of mine put it this way, “I am not surprised at all when people sin (hurt us) – I’m surprised when they don’t.” (Ken Unger) I have also thought of that another way. “I’m not surprised at all when people don’t do what they say – I am surprised when they do.” And just in case any of us are pointing our fingers at someone else, we might all benefit and come to learn that the best place to point our fingers. . . is in the mirror.

Hurt people, hurt people – and that’s a fact. I’ve learned that all of us, at various times in our lives, are acting out of our own woundedness. For me, my broken heart just didn’t lend itself well to loving people. Nor did that same broken heart allow me to love myself or receive love from others.
As the saying goes, “We’re all doing and giving our crummy best.” And yet despite knowing that, we place expectations on others to do things and to give what they are simply unable to do or give. “Shoulding” on people was a bad habit of mine that I’ve worked on breaking for a while now. As with myself, maybe people who are hurting are simply giving all that they can give. Maybe we need to accept whatever that giving is – and not expect so much. Truly, I have found that my expectations need to be of God and not of others.

I’ve recently searched for some deeper Truth and meaning behind an account from the Bible. It’s the passage about what people are able to give, and even how God feels about that. . . Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a fraction of a penny. Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything – all she had to live on." (Mark 12:41 – 44) Maybe that’s what it’s like with just Two Broken Pennies. . . When That's All We Have to Give.

I’ve learned that people give, only what they are able to give. And to be honest, when I was living out of a broken and wounded heart, I eventually came to realize that I really didn’t have all that much to give – especially in my personal relationships with others. The lifetime of hurts that I carried and continued to take on eventually brought me to a place where I truly felt like I was a wounded soldier – one who was “lying on the ground, shot full of holes, bleeding all over the place.”

So if we think about that, what exactly would any of us expect from someone in that condition? Maybe if we said something like, “Come on and get up,” or “Why are you just lying there like that – why can’t you help me or even help yourself?” it would make a difference. Or, what if we said something like, “You SHOULD have known better,” or “You SHOULDN'T have let those things (hurts) bother you,” or even “You’re just TOO sensitive,” they would somehow snap out of their pain and woundedness???

Maybe if we confirmed to them, “I tried to help you,” that they would miraculously get better and realize that all of their problems were already solved. And maybe, if we asked the question, “Why are you acting like that, what’s wrong with you?” it might make a difference. And finally, maybe if we “should” on them a little more by saying, “You SHOULD have gotten well a couple of years ago,” they would somehow feel better and all of the past hurts would be resolved, healed and erased, along with any brokenness that resulted in that particular relationship. Wow! Those are ALL great concepts. . . why didn’t I think of that?

But seriously. . . the criticism, judgment and expectations that we place upon those who are hurting, simply won’t help. That’s just another form of “finger-pointing.” In fact, our judgment of those who are hurting, or have hurt us, usually makes things only worse. Jesus didn’t condemn the woman caught in adultery, nor did He condemn Peter (after the crucifixion) – He simply LOVED them and told them they were Forgiven – done. I think I’ve come to understand that it’s in the Forgiveness of Christ that each of us, even in our relationships with others, is able to be Truly Healed.

Again, anything other than Unconditional Love, Compassion, Mercy and Forgiveness will NOT make a difference. When people are wounded, they need to be healed – period. God looks upon us in our wounded condition and He offers His only solution to our “incurable wound.” I have personally experienced that solution is in “The Christ who came to heal the brokenhearted.” Yet, until each of us are brought to the place in our own personal brokenness that we hear Christ ask us, “Do you want to get well?” – nothing that anyone might say or do is going to make much of a difference. I’ve learned that it was God’s full intention to bring me to the end of myself. And, it wasn’t until I came to that place of total brokenness that I clearly heard Him ask me that question. It was at that time, I found myself telling Him, “Lord. . . I need to get well.”

Unfortunately, Christ’s Healing and Transformation of our broken and wounded hearts can’t be sold anymore than His Salvation can. People are simply at that place in their lives where they want it, or they don’t. And truly, I've also come to accept that "You can't make anyone follow where they don't want to go."

Aside from the miracle of healing by God’s Grace and Mercy, if you have cancer, the only thing that will heal that is treatment and surgery. You can’t run away from cancer. Maybe we feel that the cancer is in a particular relationship with someone else. But still, running away isn’t going to stop the infection – especially if the cancer is within each of you, within your hearts, in that relationship. Until we come to the realization that each of us has cancer, that is a broken and wounded heart, it will simply continue to follow us wherever we go, regardless of who we are with. The healing has to start from within (on the inside). . . not from without (on the outside).

So, until each of us comes to the place where we truly “want to get well,” then maybe all we’ll have to give is just Two Broken Pennies. And maybe even for that, as Christ said of the woman in the temple, God still says, “It is good. . .”