Love in the Long-Run

The 12 Ties that Bind Long-Term Relationships

(By Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph. D)

Which relationships stand the test of time, and why?

That crazy thing we call love is perhaps one of the most studied and least understood areas in psychology. One reason is that many studies of romantic relationships are carried out not in real life, but in the lab. Making matters worse, many of these studies involve dating relationships between samples of convenience, consisting of undergraduate students. Though these students are certainly capable of close relationships, many of them haven’t matured enough to know themselves, much less what they want out of a romantic partner.

What better way to find out about love than to survey the experts? Not
the psychology experts – the expert members of couples who have been married 10 years or longer. The surprising findings of this study, reported in the prestigious journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, showed not only that many people were still in love even after
10 years of marriage, but also which factors predicted the strength
of their passion. As reported by Stony Brook University psychologist
K. Daniel O’Leary (2012) and his research team, the findings provided a stark contrast to the typically glum view we have of long-term marriages. Rather than being doomed to a bland, mediocre existence, these couples endorsed their positive feelings toward their spouses with hearty (dare I say) enthusiasm. A whopping 40 percent of those married 10 years or more stated that they were “Very intensely in love” – the highest rating on the scale. Another 15 percent gave their marriages the second-highest rating on the love intensity scale. Perhaps even more surprisingly, those who stuck together for 30 years and more also gave their marriages high ratings with 40 percent of women and 35 percent of men saying that they were very intensely in love. Clearly, many couples are able to maintain high levels of passion as the decades go by well into their middle and later years.

Just as clearly, not everyone felt the same degree of intensity about
their spouses. The researchers turned next to trying to predict which relationships would be marked by the strongest degree of intensity. Psychological theories of love focus on such quintessential features as passion, commitment, closeness, early experiences in relationships, emotional needs, and ability to communicate. These are, of course, important to the health of any relationship. However, when it comes down to predicting which relationships will make it for the long haul, the questions become almost equally pragmatic as romantic. 

Earlier research by psychologist Arthur Aron, who collaborated in this study, suggested that the people who are most intensely in love are the ones who feel a strong romantic attraction, but who also enjoy engaging in “self-expanding” joint activities that are novel and challenging. Based on findings, the researchers also thought that strong love would involve regular strong doses of dopamine, the neurotransmitter that pumps up the brain’s reward circuits. The investigators couldn’t measure dopamine through a telephone survey, so instead they used questions that would tap into the amount of pleasure partners felt when they were around each other.

A few caveats about the study might have already come to your mind. First, and most importantly, the study was conducted only on couples who stayed together. The unhappy couples would have divorced and therefore not qualified for the research. On top of that, the couples obviously agreed to be in the study, so it’s possible that the unhappiest ones simply didn’t want to confront the questions about their marriages – although it’s also possible that the unhappy ones would have welcomed the opportunity to complain about their spouses. In either case, the researchers believed that the bias of wanting to look either very happy or very unhappy didn’t play a major role in affecting the results. One way that they made this assurance was by making the questions as focused on behavior as possible and therefore less subject to reporting bias. The study also has the obvious limitation of being conducted on partners in heterosexual marriages which may not be typical of all relationships.

Now that you’ve learned the basics of this fascinating study, it’s time to put your relationship to the test. See how you would rate your closest romantic relationship (marriage or otherwise) on these 12 key dimensions:

1 – Thinking positively about your partner. Having positive thoughts about your partner means that you focus on the good, not the bad, in your partner’s personal qualities and character. Ruminating about the things that bother you can only lead you to magnify the small foibles which will make your partner even more irritating to you than you would otherwise feel.  People in good relationships engage in “sentiment override,” meaning that they remember more of the favorable than the unfavorable experiences they’ve shared together.

2 – Thinking about your partner when apart. When you leave your partner for the day, the evening, or for an extended period of time, do you forget about his or her existence? Is it out of sight and out of mind for you? If so, this may be a sign that you’re not that much in love. You don’t have to spend every second apart sighing longingly, but the fact that your partner isn’t there should at least cross your mind some of the time during the course of the average day.

3 – Difficulty concentrating on other things when thinking about your partner. If you’re able to set aside your thoughts about your partner without much effort, this suggests that your partner takes up only a small amount of cognitive load.  Multitasking isn’t particularly desirable when it comes to musing over your loved one. In the O'Leary study, this factor was particularly important for men.

4 – Enjoying novel and challenging activities. Like definitely attracts like when it comes to personal interests and hobbies. Spending time together is important, as you’ll see below, but it’s how you spend your time that influences your relationship satisfaction even more. Aron’s self-expansion model, tested in empirical research, suggests that couples can improve their love for each other when they spend their time together exploring new and challenging activities. The O'Leary study identified this factor as especially relevant for men. If you’re going to go bungee jumping for the first time, your relationship will benefit when you and your partner face this challenge together. If you’re not up to bungee jumping, seek out mentally challenging ways to spice up your daily routines.

5 – Spending time together. If you love someone, you want to spend time with that person, and the more time you spend together, the more your love will grow. The time you spend should include some new and challenging activities, as shown in point #4. However, even spending time together in mundane household activities can enhance your love's intensity. That basement remodeling you’ve been intending to get started can actually become a way for you and your partner to strengthen your emotional bonds. Cooking, gardening, grocery shopping, and even cleaning the house are other ways to bolster your love for each other. This was another factor that, in the O'Leary study, was more important for men.

6 – Expressing affection. Feeling love toward your partner is important, but so is expressing that love in physical ways. It’s not wise to play hard to get when your goal is to build the passion in your relationship. The affection you show doesn’t have to be elaborate or overly gushy. A touch on the shoulder or kiss on the cheek is enough to build your relationship’s intensity. 

7 – Being turned on by your partner. Those tiny touches of affection can not only boost your emotional connection to your partner, but also stoke the sexual fires within. The respondents reporting the most intense love for their partner in the O’Leary study said that they felt their bodies responding when their partner touched them. This doesn’t mean a full-out sexual encounter has to follow from that touch on the cheek. Feeling a warm, tingling sensation from your partner’s physical presence is enough to keep the fire inside stoked until the time is right for sexual activity.

8 – Engaging in sexual intercourse. It should come as no surprise that having intercourse is a positive expression of a love’s intensity. People in love are more likely to have sex with each other on a regular basis. The O’Leary study showed, however, that part of the reason for the positive association between sex and love is that people who are happiest in their relationships both love their partners more and have sex more frequently. Whatever the cause, the point is that sexual activity builds and maintains feelings of love and even happiness that endure over time. 

9 – Feeling generally happy. People who feel happier about life also have stronger feelings of love toward their partners. We can’t determine whether people who are in love therefore feel happier or vice versa from the survey data in the O’Leary study (and the finding was more true of women than men). However, the finding suggests that if you’re experiencing personal distress, this can leak out and cause your relationship to suffer. Similarly, if your relationship is in trouble, your personal happiness will suffer as well. Either way, it's important for you to seek help before these negative effects take a heavy toll on your mental health.

10 – Wanting to know where your partner is at all times. Being intensely in love, for men, is associated with wanting to know your partner’s whereabouts. This component of intense love may seem a bit like stalking. But to put a positive spin on it, if you want to know where your partner is, this reflects the fact that your partner isn't very far from your thoughts.

11 – Obsessively thinking about your partner. Being slightly obsessed with your partner turns out to be positively related to intense love, at least for women. The women most in love in the O’Leary study didn’t particularly care about knowing their partner’s whereabouts. However, they were more likely to engage in obsessive thinking about their partner more generally.

12 – Having a strong passion for life. People who approach their daily lives with zest and strong emotion seem to carry these intense feelings over to their love life as well. If you want your relationship to have passion, put that emotional energy to work in your hobbies, interests, and even your political activities. Your brain's reward centers respond similarly to love as to getting excited about your other daily interests. Getting "fired up" in these areas of life translates into firing up the feelings you have toward your partner and in the O'Leary study seemed to matter more for men. 

The formula for keeping love alive in your closest relationship is a complicated one. The study by the O’Leary team, in identifying these 12 factors, provides new evidence to show that not only can long-term couples get along with each other, but they can maintain their passion for many decades.  Close relationships are the centerpiece of our sense of identity and are fundamental to our feelings of fulfillment. They can even benefit our health. The relationship conflict that can ensue can also affect your health, as we know from research on marital problems and obesity. By changing your thoughts and your behavior about these relationships, you can keep them fresh and vital for years.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201206/the-12-ties-bind-long-term-relationships

Overcoming Relationship Problems

How Can I Be ME. . . When You're Being YOU!

(Sharing an Article by Steven Stosny)

You know. . . sometimes, we can see it coming and sometimes we simply can’t. And then, there are times we can openly acknowledge the truth (that is, reality) and other times we simply DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT.
I guess it truly depends upon where we’re at in our own Journey of Life. Ideally (we hope), that Journey is leading all of us to a Destination that provides Healing, Wholeness, Peace and True Heartfelt Joy. But,
I also think it’s in how we get there that can make a real difference. . .
even if only to each of us, individually.

A Case in Point

After my first (short-term) marriage ended in divorce, I recall talking
with my eldest Brother. He openly acknowledged how unhealthy that relationship appeared to him and that he knew it wouldn’t last. When I questioned (challenged?) him about WHY he never said anything in the first place, he simply replied, “Well, for a few reasons. . . One – you weren’t asking for my opinion; Two – you wouldn’t have listened, because you already had your mind made up; And Three – I loved you too much to start telling you how to live your life.”

When asked for advice, another long-time, close and rather wise friend of mine usually says. . . “Do what you want – you’re going to anyway.” And honestly, I’ve learned the hard way that “sometimes the only way to really figure some things out (for ourselves) – is that WE NEED TO GO THROUGH IT. . .” And let’s just HOPE that we’re NOT going “through it” over and over, again. As it is, one of my favorite lines from the movie “The Sting” (1973 with Robert Redford) has always been: “Figure it out for YOURSELF, Kelly!”

In recent years, I can appreciate where my friend is coming from with his type of advice. You see, for the longest time, I pretty much had some great advice for nearly everyone – whether they were asking for it or not. In my foolish pride (which I discovered a bit later, was due to my own personal woundedness), I actually believed that I had the unique ability to somehow fix everyone else’s problems. . . that is, except for MY OWN. Hmmm. . . ?

I guess it was just a matter of time before I would literally “bury myself” with many of my own unwise and unhealthy decisions in life. And some
of those decisions involved the kind of people I was attracted to and, ultimately, the relationships I became attached to (entangled in?). Fortunately, there always seems to be a “light at the end of the tunnel.” Let’s just hope it’s not a freight train coming. . . with no way out.

I’ve come to understand that, often, we tend to be attracted to people who are in a “similar station of life.” And unfortunately, part of that attraction comes from the unhealed hurts (wounds) that we carry within our own hearts – regardless of whether or not we recognize, acknowledge and are willing to deal with (resolve and heal) those issues, or if we’ve simply REPRESSED all of that painful stuff. In the former case, the result can become a Path of Healing in which we’re able to work on ourselves and in the foreseeable process, become able to make healthier relationship choices. But in the latter case. . . we go on making the familiar and painful choices that we so often have made in our past. But that’s okay. . . because I KNOW IT’S THE OTHER PERSON – NOT ME!
Oh really. . . ?

While researching the topic of “Compatibility in Relationships,” I came across the following article. I feel that the article explains a little bit of what’s really going on. . . when our seemingly committed relationships start to “Go South.” I’ve come to learn that unless we’re really willing
to take a good look at ourselves, it’s likely that we’ll spend a majority of our time looking out the window and pointing our finger at someone else (i.e. playing the Victim, while identifying the “Bad Guy/Girl” in our lives). Perhaps, when going through our own house, we might be better off having a few less windows and a lot more mirrors. As a friend of mine often says, “Nothing changes until I change.”

These days, I make it a point NOT to offer advice – even when someone is asking me. Rather, I can only share what I’ve experienced and have come to learn (for myself) while on my own Journey of Life. Realistically, the ONLY person we can truly fix is. . . ourselves. In reality, the emotionally healthier we are individually, the more likely it is that we’ll attract someone who’s in that same “Station of Life,” with the hope of developing a Happy, Healthy, Committed and Lasting Relationship. And as the saying goes, “Two cannot walk together unless they are agreed.” 

I hope you enjoy the enclosed article and the short music video which follows, as well. I consider this song, from the video, to be a shared moment of Hope for all of us. . . as we come to that place where we're willing and able to discover who we really are. And, to come to understand what True Love is really all about. Because, as I've been learning over the past several years – True Love Never Fails.

R Butch David

Marriage Problems:
How Can I Be Me – When You're Being You?

(How You Would Like to Be vs. Who You Are)

(By Steven Stosny, Ph D – Published on August 18, 2008)

Most people get married because they like the way they are with their partners – loving, compassionate, engaging, supportive, sexy, and flexible. They get divorced because they don't like the way they are with their partners – resentful, turned off, frustrated, rigid, or bored, all of which they blame on their relationship.

In the course of this death march, many go into marriage therapy to find better ways to manipulate their partners into, at best, doing what they want or, at worst, becoming who they want. The self-defeating flaw in this strategy, apart from the fact that it hardly ever works, is cognitive dissonance – that is, the discomfort generated by holding contradictory cognitions.

In marriage [and supposedly committed relationships – rbd], cognitive dissonance is the difference between how you would like to be and how you are. For instance, "I am loving, compassionate, supportive, sexy, etc. . . yet I am NOT these things with you."

This aspect of cognitive dissonance isn't bad; it can act as a motivation to be true to your deepest values, by making you behave in more loving and compassionate ways. Unfortunately, most people who divorce or go to marriage therapy choose to resolve their cognitive dissonance with something like this:

"Since I am unable to be my loving
and compassionate self with you,
you must be too selfish, insensitive,
withholding, demanding, emotional, rigid,
sick, or defective in some way."

This ill-fated resolution of cognitive dissonance only makes you both feel like victims and sends you searching online or in self-help aisles for a checklist that validates your suffering and a diagnosis that nails your partner.

Cognitive dissonance can undermine marriage (and marriage therapy) in sneaky ways, even when you are successful at getting what you want, namely, change in the other person. If you do get what you want by changing your partner, your own self-concept is reduced to:

"I am loving, compassionate, supportive, etc. . .
as long as you do what I want."

Do you really want this on your tombstone?:

"As long as I got what I wanted,
I was great to the people I love.”

The irony is that the last thing you need is an externally regulated self concept, i.e., one determined not by your own behavior but by
what your partner does for you. Externally regulated, your sense of self becomes totally dependent on your partner, not just for consistently doing what you want but for doing it with love and joy in his/her heart, since resentful submission is far from satisfying. Externally regulated, self-concept needs more and more validation, if not submission, from the partner to stay afloat. This sends satisfaction on a downward spiral as it necessarily destabilizes both the sense
of self and the relationship.

Successful relationships are not about getting your partner to do what you want; it's about being who you are, i.e., behaving according to your deepest values. For most people, this means being loving and compassionate to the people they love.

Happily, you have the best chance of getting your partner to do what you want by being who you are.

Consider the effects of positive reciprocity and negative reactivity [within a relationship – rbd]. Which of the following is more likely to inspire cooperation?

1. Approaching your spouse/partner as your authentic, loving and
   compassionate self.

2. Approaching your spouse/partner with entitlement and demands
   (even if couched in the rehearsed language of "behavior requests")?

Marriage (and marriage therapy) run into a brick wall of cognitive dissonance when they focus on "getting your needs met," or "getting the love you want." They are more likely to have lasting success with a focus on each of you being the partner you most want to be.

www.compassionpower.com

If You NEED to Be RIGHT –

What's REALLY Wrong?

(An Article by Namaste)

R I G H T
Righteous Indignation Guise Hiding Truths

Blessings and Greetings to you all,

There are certain people that need to be right all the time. These people tend to be argumentative, provoking confrontation, attacking other points of view, while defending their points of view. Know anybody like that? Are you sometimes like that?

Let Us examine, without judging, a persons need to be right continually. No one on the earth plane has all the answers.  No one can claim to know everything, about everything. No one can be right every time, all the time.

However, it would appear that some people are not only always right – they are never wrong. Every opinion expressed by them is authoritative, definite, over confident. There is no room for doubt in their minds. It is their way or the highway for you. They are prepared to put everything on the
line to prove that they are right. Whether it is friendship, relationships, colleagues, marriage, even losing their children – I am right and if you can't take that you can leave my life now. So much pride, so much indignant righteous anger, so many egos. . . So much cover up!

This blustering bravado, this hurricane they stir up, this emotional
crisis they create are all smokescreens to distract others, however especially themselves, from facing the real issue. Their need to
be right is covering up what they feel, deep inside themselves,
is wrong about them.

In a place buried deep inside them is a feeling of discontent; they feel "wrong" in these hidden recesses.  They cannot confront this fear, this feeling of "wrongness" – this imbalance, this hurt inside themselves.

So they prefer to take it out – outside themselves.  They take it out on others. Always have to be right.  Bullying others. Taunting others. Teasing others. Fighting others.  Betraying others. Raping others. Murdering others. Not forgiving others. Not respecting others. Upsetting others.

It's always their fault – never my fault. They are wrong – I am right. Every solution is sought outside themselves. The solution can really only be found inside themselves . That feeling of "wrongness" hidden deep inside themselves has to be looked at. It is causing ill at ease. This dis-ease is causing pain. When allowed to remain unchecked for long this "wrongness" – this imbalance – can cause disease.

This "wrongness" can have many causes – all of them illusionary. There
is nothing real about feeling "wrong". This feeling of "wrongness" is a conditioned response to what has been said to you by others. This feeling of inadequacy you feel as "wrong" is what your belief system has adopted as your "truth".

Someone, themselves feeling "wrong", has influenced you, your belief system, to acknowledge, accept and believe this untruth about you is actually real, the truth. Whatever it is that you feel is inadequate about you has made you unable to love yourself.  Being unable to love yourself has made you unable to love others. So you have given conditional love to others and received conditional love in return. So you have given conditioned fear to others and received conditioned fear
in return.

When these "untruths" were given to you, by someone who had the ability to influence you, where were they standing when they told you these "untruths" about you? Were they standing in fear, in abuse, in anger, in resentment, in disappointment in their own lives, and were you the easy target to attack to get rid of their fear, anger, resentment and disappointment in their own lives?

You were impressionable, probably young, when someone of influence over you, told you these "untruths" about yourself. Are you ready to change your belief system?

This we will deal with in another lesson (see: Changing Your Belief
System About You).  For now you have to simply acknowledge that your need to be right continually stems from some feeling of inadequacy,
some "untruth" that your belief system has adopted as the "truth" about you.

You need to start to be true to yourself and identify what "untruths"
you really fear hidden in your dark recesses deep inside you. Be true to yourself, what incorrect self image – what do you really feel unhappy about yourself – has caused you to believe that you are not worthy of love.

Someone, or more than one person, has incorrectly prejudiced you against yourself. They have told you "untruths" about you. You need to dig deep in your new-found self honesty and confess to yourself what these "untruths" are.

When you are ready to bring all of these potentially cancerous "untruths" out of the darkness deep inside of you; when you are ready to bring all these "untruths" painfully into the light of awareness, the light of consciousness – then you will find Us waiting there for you.

We have the solutions for you of how to change your belief systems.
To change these "untruths" hidden deep inside you.  To replace these "untruths" with the real truth about you. But first you have to do your part. Go and uncover these "untruths" and bring them out into the open so that We can help you change your belief system to understand the real truth about you.

When you are truly ready, then we will meet you in the lesson entitled Changing your Belief System about You. Only come fully prepared if you truly want to benefit from this lesson.

In the meantime, you now know you don't always have to be right every time. When you learn to deal with what's "wrong" inside of you,
you will not have to prove always that you are "right". You will then understand that "You can be right or happy but not both".  Soon you will not have to be right anymore and you can start to learn to be happy.

Right? Wrong? Happy – YES!

With Blessings and Greetings In Light and in Love

Namaste

May the Happiness in Us greet the Happiness in You. . . Amen and Amen

www.guidespeak.com/index.php?o=sections&section=2&entry=4947

When You're Unfairly Accused

A Relational Look at Matthew 5:11

(An Article from KeepBelievingMinistries – Edited by R Butch David)

What do you do when you are unfairly accused? Let’s sharpen the point before we move toward an answer. What do you do when you are unfairly accused by people you know and love and thought you could trust? I added that phrase because it’s one thing to be unfairly accused by total strangers. It’s something else when people in your
inner circle turn against you. Because it is personal, the pain is
much greater. How does a Christian respond in that situation? I start
off by thinking about how to consider biblical principles that apply to all
of us when we are unfairly accused.

1. Remember what Jesus said. . .

“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.” (Matt 5:11) That phrase “all kinds of evil” means that the followers of Jesus will endure insults, lies, ridicule and false accusations, and those attacks will come in many different ways. The world crucified the Lord of Glory so we should not be surprised when the world attacks those who follow him.

Some of these attacks will come against our faith. Sometimes our motives will be questioned. Sometimes our words will be twisted. Sometimes we will be ostracized for our views. Sometimes we will be deliberately misquoted. Sometimes we will be the victims of a whispering campaign where we can’t even pin down the things said against us. The point to remember here is that these things will happen from time to time. It’s part of what it means to be a follower of Christ.

 

2. Don’t be Surprised

Said plainly, we won’t always get along with our brothers and sisters in
the body of Christ. This hit me with great force recently as I was reading Ephesians. The book is evenly divided between three chapters of theology and three chapters of practical application. When Paul finishes his soaring doctrinal treatise that makes up Ephesians 1-3, the one that ends with the reminder that “God is able to do far beyond anything we could ask or imagine” (Eph 3:20-21) when he launches into the so-called “practical” section in Chapter 4, what’s the first thing he says? I mean, what’s the very first thing out of his mouth? “Always be humble and gentle. Patiently put up with each other and love each other.” (Eph 4:2)

Did you get that? “Patiently put up with each other.” The NASB says “showing tolerance for each other.” Whoa! After all that high-sounding talk in Ephesians 1-3, his first reminder is, “You’re going to have to put up with a lot of nonsense inside the church so you better get used to it.” Sometimes people hear what they want to hear regardless of the facts. We should not be overly surprised when despite our best efforts our actions are criticized and our motives are questioned.

3. Speak the Truth as Graciously as Possible

It’s possible that in our haste to defend ourselves, we will talk too much, too soon, and with too much emotion. There are times when we need to speak the truth, but in those moments we must speak the truth in Love. State the facts, lay out the truth as you see it, don’t presume to judge another person’s heart (even if they are unfairly judging yours), and don’t say anything in a heated moment that you will regret later.  Sometimes the Lord uses these very painful times to move us on to new ministries and new areas of service, and sometimes to a new church [new relationships – rbd] altogether. I don’t think we can always see in advance what God may be doing in these times of trouble. Speak the truth in love and leave the results in God’s hands.

4. Fight Against Becoming a Victim

You know you’re in the victim mode when:  A) you feel wronged,
B) usually by your friends, C) involving unfair accusations, D) where you can’t get your side of the story fairly told, so that E) the whole thing eats at you day and night, and F) you can’t stop talking about it, so that
G) you become consumed with “the issue” until H) you lose your focus completely and I) sometimes say or do foolish things that J) hurt yourself and others and K) permanently damage relationships so that L) you end up miserable and frustrated and M) nothing is solved.

5. Pray this Prayer. . .

Here’s a simple prayer that has helped me many times. “O Lord, let
the truth come out and let your will be done.” That’s a good prayer because it focuses on the Lord, not on you or your accusers. What you want is truth to be told and God’s will to be done. We make a mistake in trying always to clear ourselves. In almost all these situations, the truth from God’s point of view will be more than what you see or what your critics see. And God’s will always goes beyond our limited field of vision.

6. Guard your Heart

“Above all else, guard your Heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”  (Prov 4:23) We desperately need that reminder when we are under attack. Let’s face it. . . Unless we guard our own heart, we will soon be down in the gutter with our opponents. We’ll be tempted to answer in kind, to attack them as they have attacked us, to vilify them, to smear their reputation, and in general to do whatever we have to do to get even with them.

It’s frightening how quickly we can fall into the attack mode when we are angry and hurt. Remember this. . . You can’t control what people do
to you or what they say about you. In the Internet age, anyone with a computer can make any sort of ugly attack, post it on the Internet and hide behind a cloak of anonymity. Technology has made it too easy to
say whatever we want and then post it on Facebook or YouTube or a discussion board. So our challenge must be to guard our own heart when we are under attack. You can’t control what people do to
you or what they say about you. How do we do that? Here are a few suggestions . . .Give thanks that God is working in ways you can’t imagine through these attacks – and pray for those who have unfairly accused you.

7. Forgive and Forgive and Forgive

What does Forgiveness look like when your character has been [attacked or - rbd] assassinated? It isn’t easy or quick and it certainly isn’t cheap. Perhaps we could pray: “Lord, I forgive _____________ for Christ’s sake.” Name them and forgive them one by one by one. Will that change things? No, not really [or necessarily – rbd], not the outward situation, but it can make a huge difference in our own hearts. We can continue to pray and to forgive to this very day.

I don’t believe in “miracle prayers” that allow you to say a few words and then wash away the deep pain of life. But I do believe in forgiving again and again and again. Better to come back to the place of forgiveness than to live in the swamp of bitterness. Harboring resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other guy will die. It’s self-destructive behavior. Don’t live in the swamp of bitterness.

There is a better way. If someone objects that forgiveness costs too much, I simply reply that unforgiveness costs much more. I recommend that simple prayer of forgiveness, understanding that when we forgive those who have sinned against us, we are only doing what Christ did when he forgave us first.

8. Put your life and reputation in God’s hands.

It’s easier to do this when life is going well and everyone loves you and you have no problems, no worries, and everything is right in your world.
It’s a lot harder to put your life in God’s hands when you feel the pressure of constant criticism. But that’s when we most need God’s help. And if we feel like we can’t trust the Lord when we are unfairly accused, we need to ponder these words: “To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. ‘He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth.’ When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.” (1 Peter 2:21-23)

Notice that Peter emphasizes what Jesus didn’t do when he was unfairly accused: He didn’t hurl insults. . . He didn’t retaliate. . . He didn’t curse and swear. . . He made no threats. I submit to you that this is not a natural way to live. When we are insulted, our natural inclination is to return an insult for an insult. But Jesus chose another way. . . “As a sheep before her shearers is silent, so He opened not His mouth.”  (Isaiah 53:7) When He stood before Pilate and Herod, and when he faced the jeering mob, He uttered no insults, He made no threats. You find out what you really believe when others mistreat you. Sometimes the real test of your faith is what you don’t do. Sometimes you’ll be a better Christian by not saying anything at all.

What was His secret? How did He do it? The answer lies in the final phrase of Verse 23 – “He entrusted Himself to Him who judges justly." In our day we hear a lot of talk about claiming our rights. That spirit comes into the church and we hear people getting angry and saying, “How dare you trample on my rights?" Most of our problems often stem from claiming our rights. But the Bible turns that upside down. You aren’t to think of your rights first. You are to think of others first. And, sometimes the real test of your faith is what you don’t do. 

Let me ask you a question. Do you think Jesus was a helpless victim that day at Calvary? He was the Son of God. He had the power to call down a legion of angels to set Him free. He had but to say the word and all of heaven would come to his aid. But, He never said that word.

Consider carefully two quotes from Christian leaders of an earlier generation. The first comes from the renowned British Bible teacher
F. B. Meyer: We make a mistake in trying always to clear ourselves. We should be wiser to go straight on, humbly doing the next
thing, and leaving God to vindicate us. “He shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noon day.” There may come hours in our lives when we shall be misunderstood, slandered, falsely accused. At such times it is very difficult not to act on the policy of the men around us in the world. They at once appeal to law and force and public opinion. But the believer takes his case into a higher court and lays it before his God. That is exactly what Jesus did and it is exactly what we are called to do.

Now consider these words from Oswald Chambers: “Beware of the thought that Jesus needed sympathy in His earthly life; He refused sympathy from others because He knew far too wisely that no one on earth understood what He was going through. Notice God’s ’waste’ of saints, according to the judgment of the world. God plants His saints in some of the most useless places. We say, ’God intends me to be here because I am so useful.’ Jesus never estimated His life along the line of the greatest use. God puts His saints where they will glorify Him most, and we are no judges, [of others - rbd] at all, of where
that is.”

Oswald Chambers nails it when he says that we are no judges at all of how we can most glorify the Lord. If we believe in God’s sovereignty, then we must believe God has allowed the attacks and unfair accusations. If that is true, then even the worst that others do to us somehow serves a higher purpose. Certainly one part of that higher purpose must be to demonstrate to the world how a child of God reacts when we are crushed under an avalanche of unfairness.

The cross of Christ made no sense at the time. It seemed like a terrible injustice had been done for no purpose at all. Yet when man did his worst, God did his best. Out of the monstrous murder of the Son of God, salvation came to the world. We are going to heaven because a good
man was falsely accused. We are saved because he did not try to save himself.We are forgiven through the bloody death of an innocent man.
By his stripes we are healed.

God knew what He was doing that day when darkness covered the whole earth. Are we willing to entrust ourselves to that kind of God whose ways are far above our own? When we are unfairly accused, we are to turn the other cheek, bless those who curse us, and return good for evil. We are not to retaliate, not to threaten, not to get even. Jesus showed us how to live, and he showed us how to die. When you live like this, you are truly doing what Jesus would do. When you live like this, you will baffle and astound the world around you. And you will experience the miracle of Healing that comes when we dare to follow Jesus all the way to the cross.

You can view the original unedited article in it's entirety at:
www.keepbelieving.com/sermon/2010-08-04-When-You-Are-Unfairly-Accused/ 

Judge Not. . .

That YOU May Not Be Judged

(An Article from KeepBelievingMinistries – Edited by R Butch David)

"Judge not, that you be not judged.
For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged,
and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.

Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye,
but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?
Or how can you say to your brother,
‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,
when there is the log in your own eye?
 
You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye,
and then you will see clearly to take
the speck out of your brother’s eye.”
(Matt 7:1-5)

The Sin of Judging Wrongly

Behind our anger lies a problem we rarely talk about and therefore rarely face. We have wrongly judged another person and have sinned in the process. In our rush to judgment, in our haste to make sure someone else takes the blame, in our zeal to find the guilty party, we have violated the words of Jesus: “Judge not, that you be not judged.” The words
are simple and clear. They are plain and unambiguous. Because they are familiar we tend to forget about them. Or worse, we find a way to explain them away.

There are several ways we can approach a text like this. We could spend a lot of time talking about the illustration Jesus used about the speck in your brother’s eye and the log in your own eye. It’s funny and ironic and when Jesus spoke these words, I’m sure his hearers laughed out loud. I’ll return to that illustration shortly but first let’s just focus on Verse 1. What exactly did Jesus mean when he said, “Judge not"?

Perhaps it is easier to say what he did not mean. Jesus is not saying we should never pass any sort of judgment. Every day we make hundreds of judgments about things around us. It is not wrong, for instance, to sit on a jury and render a verdict. Nor it is wrong for an admissions committee to decide which students to accept and which to reject. Nor it is wrong for an employer to decide who gets a promotion and who doesn’t. Nor is it wrong for schools to judge certain students worthy of high honor at graduation. Nor is it wrong for Glenbrook North High School to expel the students who participated in that ugly hazing incident and to ban them from attending graduation ceremonies. We all have to make decisions every day that involve other people. We pass judgment on appearance, behavior, speech, deportment, attitude, work ethic, productivity, keeping or breaking a promise, guilt or innocence, which person we believe and which person
we do not believe. Whatever the words of Jesus mean, they can’t mean that we never pass judgment in any sense at any time.

Condemnation Condemned

What, then, did Jesus mean when he said, “Judge not?” The
word translated “judge” often means to condemn. It means to come to
a negative conclusion about another person and then to condemn them. That is what Jesus is forbidding. Let me be a little more specific about this.

First, we are not to pass final judgment on any person. Final judgment belongs to the Lord. We are not in the condemning business.
If anyone needs to be condemned, God himself can take care of that. We should have no part in it. Second, we are not to judge the motives of others. The Bible says, “Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)  
Often we are quick to come to negative conclusions about others based on why we think they did something. But try as we might, we see only
the outside. God alone sees the heart.

Only God can judge the hidden secrets of the heart. Leave that judgment to Him. You don’t even know your own heart, much less the heart of anyone else. “The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick. Who can understand it?” (Jer 17:9)  Sometimes when little children have been caught disobeying and you ask them why they did it, they will reply tearfully, “I don’t know.” That’s not a cop-out; it’s a profound theological truth. We are so wicked by nature that we don’t know why we do what we do. All of us can remember times when we did or said something foolish, and looking back we can honestly say, “I don’t know why I did something stupid like that.” But if we can’t understand our own heart, how can we ever presume to understand anyone else’s?

Spiritual Vultures

Third, we are not to be faultfinders. One source defines a faultfinder as “one who finds much to criticize or complain about, esp. of a petty nature,” and lists these synonyms: malcontent, scold, nag, and critic. Related words include grouch, grumbler and bellyacher. “It is foolish to belittle a neighbor; a person with good sense remains silent.”
(Prov 11:12)  Faultfinding is the “venom of the soul.” It destroys
our joy, drains our happiness, and prevents us from having close friendships. No one likes a faultfinder because no one likes being around a nit-picking critic. This sin comes partly from spiritual pride and partly from disguised envy. We criticize others in order to bring them down to our level. Or worse, we tear them down to prove they are really beneath us. Faultfinding is a deadly disease because if not kept in check, it turns us into cynics who expect the worst from others. The faultfinder expects failure and secretly gloats when he finds it. Is it
any wonder that the faultfinder almost always is a gossip and a talebearer? First we spot the flaws of others and then we can’t wait to spread the news. There is such a thing as a spiritual vulture. Like the vultures of the air that live off dead, rotting flesh, these sad individuals thrive on the mistakes and sins of others. They fly across the landscape, keeping a close eye out for the failures of others. Then they swoop in for their daily feast.

Early this morning, before the first service, I met for prayer with a group of men in my office. During his prayer, one of the men broke through to total honesty when he said, “Lord, too often I am so hard on the people closest to me.” Many of us could say the same thing. Husbands are hard on their wives. Wives mercilessly criticize their husbands. Parents tear down their children and strip away every vestige of self-esteem. Friends attack friends, Christians criticize each other, and many families are held together by the glue of mutual disdain. Why is it that we are so hard on those we say we love the most? But if a person we don’t know offends us, we’re quick to let him off the hook. It makes no sense.

A Few Examples

Jesus said, “Judge not!” There are so many ways in which we break this command. Here are a few examples:

Blowing small things all out of proportion – Maximizing the sins of others: their faults, foibles and their petty ways – Coming to quick, hasty, negative conclusions – Making mountains out of molehills – Getting involved in situations where you should not be involved – Passing along critical stories to others – Having a strong bias to find others guilty – Being too harsh even when speaking the truth – Adding aggravating remarks when telling a story – Dismissing an unkind remark by saying, “I was only joking” – Saying something critical and then trying to cover it up – Being unkind and then quickly changing the subject – Telling too many people about what others have done to us – Taking pleasure in condemning others – Telling the truth in order to hurt, not to help – Putting others down in order to make yourself look better – Minimizing your own sins while magnifying the sins of others

Note that it is quite possible to have a judgmental spirit even while telling the truth. Some people use the truth as a club to beat others over the head. Simply saying, “Well, it was the truth, you know,” does not get you off the hook. Our judgment is wrong when it is – Needless, Unfounded, Hasty, Severe.

And that brings me back to the speck and the log. It’s easy to see the speck in your brother’s eye, much harder to see the log in your own. In dealing with the faults of others, our greatest need is clear vision. That’s why Jesus said in verse 5, “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” First, we must see clearly. And we cannot see clearly until we have removed the impediment from our own eyes.

First Things First

Christian love is not blind. God never says, “Ignore the faults of others.” But he does say, “Take care of your own faults first.” Look in the mirror! Ask God to show you your own sins. These familiar words come to mind: “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24)  If we would pray that way and mean it, we would do a lot more confessing and a lot less judging.

The order in which we do things is crucial. We are to judge ourselves first by asking God to show us our sins. We sit and wait and pray for the Holy Spirit to show us our weaknesses, our faults, our mistakes, our bad attitudes, our foolish words, our pride, our arrogance, our need to be in control, our need to run the world, our need to tell others what to do, our desire to have our own way, our anger, our bitterness, our lack of mercy, our lack of love, our lack of compassion. Let me tell you something from personal experience, if you wait long enough, the Lord will always show it to you.

“You Hypocrite!”

This is God’s message for us today. Did you notice what Jesus called the judgmental person in Verse 5? He called him a hypocrite. What a terrible word that is. That’s what we are when we judge and condemn others without first judging ourselves. I said the order is crucial, and it is. First, we judge ourselves. First, we are hard on ourselves. First, we ask the Lord to show us our sins. Until we do that, the “speck” in our brother’s eye will look like a log to us. And we won’t even see the log in our own eye. Once we have allowed the Holy Spirit to do his painful surgery within, once we have confessed and repented and mourned over our own sin, then and only then are we ready to do surgery on someone else. This is how you will know you have reached that point: Your own sins will bother you a lot more than the sins of others. And the failures of others won’t seem so huge to you. You’ll know you’re ready to talk to a brother or sister when you don’t want to do it any more. The person who has judged himself will display these character qualities:

Humility – Godly Sorrow – Gentleness
Reticence (Restraint) – Patience – Discretion

The Apostle Paul perfectly described this sort of attitude in words we have all heard many times: “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy
or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way;
it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinth 13:4-7)

Delicate Eye Surgery

To simply gaze on the sins of others is vain and empty and wrong.
It turns us into judgmental Pharisees who are quick to condemn. But once we are cleansed and humbled by the Lord, then we are ready to remove the tiny speck from a brother’s eye. And he will be glad for us to do it because he knows we are not there to condemn but to help.

The eye is very sensitive. I know all about that because I’ve had five eye surgeries in the last few years. It takes a compassionate hand and a delicate touch to do surgery in the eye. When you have eye trouble, you need a doctor who knows what he is doing because even the slightest mistake can have catastrophic consequences. Sometimes in our haste to help others, we can cause more damage than the original speck of dirt caused.

There is a difference between someone who loves you and wants to help you and someone who puts you under a microscope only
to find fault with all you do. I have found that those most critical of others tend to have the most sins. And those closest to God tend to
be the most charitable. They are the quickest to forgive, quickest
to restore, and the quickest to help someone who is struggling
with sin.

Where do we go from here? We have no time to hate, no time to condemn, no time to live in bitterness. How will we get from here to there? We need the help of God to do a supernatural work in our hearts. I’d like to suggest a simple prayer for the Holy Spirit to take over your life. Saying words alone won’t change your heart, but if these words reflect your deepest desire, then today could be a new beginning for you. . .

Heavenly Father, our problem is not with your Word.
We know what it says. And our problem is not with other people,
not even the ones who have hurt us deeply.
Our problem is on the inside. For too long we have tried
to solve our own problems and it has not worked.
We confess that too many times we have been critical of those
around us. Forgive us our thoughtless, unkind, hurtful words.
O Lord, show us a better way! Without you, we will never change.

Lord Jesus, thank you for showing us how to live. Thank you for showing us how to die. Thank you for showing us how to forgive
the people who have hurt us the most.

Holy Spirit, fill us with your power so that we might become
truly different people. Set us free from bitterness, from anger, and
from a judgmental spirit. Grant us power to love each other.

Make us like Jesus, full of grace and truth. And do it now,
in this moment, as we pray this prayer. Amen.

You can view the original article entitled “Judge Not” in it’s entirety at:

www.keepbelieving.com/sermon/2003-05-25-Judge-Not!/