Expectations Can Ruin Relationships

How to Let Go of Relational Expectations

(An Article by Daphne Lim)

The one thing that shatters relationships and ruins friendships more than any other is expectations. When we say that someone is not meeting
our "needs," we usually mean that he or she is not living up to our expectations. True needs are very few, but expectations are limitless.

When a person’s behavior does not match your expectations, you can
try to change their behavior, or you could let go of your expectations. The first is an exercise in frustration and causes untold damage to relationships. The second is also difficult, but possible and worthwhile. Learn to let go.

1. Identify Faulty Assumptions

For some reason, when we get close to a person, we start to demand that this person acts in a certain way. We reason that “if you loved me, you would. . .” This type of reasoning is based on two faulty assumptions:

a. That love can be defined in a certain way

b. That the other person agrees with this definition

Neither assumption is reasonable. And once you accept that your
way of thinking is not the only right way, you’ll find it easy to reject
the assumption and therefore adjust or even completely drop your expectations.

2. Seek to Understand

People show love in different ways, as explained by Gary Chapman in
his excellent book “The Five Love Languages”: words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, gifts, and physical touch. Someone else may speak a love language that you do not understand because your love language is different.

When you travel to another country that speaks a different language from yours, the locals may not understand what you are trying to say to them. In the same way, when someone tries to love you in their own way, it is you who may not understand. This does not mean that they are not trying. It is not their actions that you need to change, it is your understanding.

3. Observe Carefully

When you stop expecting a certain behavior from others, you free yourself to see more clearly. You will start to observe what they actually do, instead of constantly seeing the gap between what they do and what you want them to do.

For example, if you expect your child to obey your instructions quietly and he starts to question you, you may get upset because he doesn’t meet your expectation of what a ‘good boy’ is. If you drop this expectation and listen to his questions instead, you may pick up on a specific fear he has which is causing him to resist your instruction. When you see more clearly, you can respond more effectively.

4. Recognize the Consequences

You would probably be upset if somebody loved you only when you behaved a certain way. Children who grow up with this kind of conditional love become insecure adults who try too hard to please. Spouses
who feel they are not good enough for their partners may seek acceptance in somebody else’s arms.

Relationships are not transactions. If you’re in a relationship because of what you get out of it, it is a transaction. We all have needs that have to met, but it is futile to expect the other person to meet these needs. It is easy to let go of expectations once we accept responsibility to meet our needs ourselves, and are in a relationship not for what we can get but for who we can be.

5. Ask for Agreement

If an expectation you have is important because it touches on non-negotiable values or morality, seek to convert that expectation
into an agreement. Agreements are not expectations. Expectations exist in your own mind, often without the knowledge of the other person. Agreements are explicit verbal commitments by both parties on
a set of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors.

Decide on what is non-negotiable to you. Highlight these to the other person and explain why it is so important. I’ve found that calm discussions work much better in this case than yelling matches.
Be very specific about the behaviors you expect [desire - rbd] and ask
if the other party agrees. Be prepared to return the favor. Once both have agreed, honor the ground-rules.

If you cannot convert a non-negotiable expectation to an agreement, you’ll have to make a tough choice. You have to decide whether to let go of the expectation or the person. Personally, I think that a flesh-and-blood person is almost always more worth holding on to than an expectation that exists only in my mind.

Let go of your expectations. I’m still working on this myself, but the few times I have managed to let go have been truly liberating. With one simple change of thinking, you free two people at one time. The other person is free from having to behave in a certain way, and you are free to love better. Letting go is hard, but definitely worth it.

http://www.joyfuldays.com/let-go-of-expectations/

Efficiency vs. Love

When "Working" Relationships Still Fail

(Sharing a Video Series by Andy Stanley) 

In a part-time job that I’ve recently taken on, I’ve had the pleasure of meeting over sixty people. The thing I appreciate most about my work is the people that I work with. I know each of them by name and have made it a priority to talk with them every day that I’m there. As we’ve gotten to know each other, some of these new friends have opened up about their personal lives and I’ve made it a point to practice listening. As a friend once shared with me, I’ve also found that most people are just looking for someone who cares enough and is willing. . . to LISTEN. 

On more than one occasion, some of my new friends have referred to me as “The Relationship Expert.” However, as Forrest Gump would say, “Now, I don’t know much about thaaat.” They’ve even told others that they should speak with me and get my advice. And quite honestly, I’ve come to believe that I’m really not in a position to give anyone advice. So, as we talk about our personal lives, I simply share what I’ve been learning on my own Journey of Life, as I’m given the opportunity. 

To set the record straight, I’m really NOT an “Expert” at anything.
Like you, I only know what I’ve personally experienced and, hopefully,
am learning along the way. After two failed marriages, I’m certainly not qualified as a “Relationship Expert.” I mean, if I had all this “Healthy Relationship Stuff” down, I’d probably never have gotten divorced in the first (or second) place, right? Yes I know, it does “take two to Tango.” Yet, because of those past experiences, I have endeavored to study relationships more closely. In as much, what makes them “work”
and what doesn’t. So, I guess these experiences in my own Journey have caused a desire within me to become a “Relationship Student.” And truly, in the “Journey of Learning,” I have a long way to go. . . 

My first marriage didn’t last that long and really wasn’t all that “Healthy” from the get-go. Two young, wounded and naïve people who had a lot of “expectations” – and that’s a subject we’ll get to, shortly. I did learn that in order to move on, in a Healthy and Healing Way, it was necessary
for me to take a look at that with a sincere willingness to Forgive. And
on my end, that Forgiveness had to be extended to both to my ex-partner, and also to myself. 

Now, my second marriage was a relationship of nearly 18-years. In the “School of Life,” the opportunities which were present there afforded a lot to be learned – mostly about myself and “why I do the things I do.” Perhaps, all of us could benefit from “looking in the mirror,” rather than pointing our finger at our (ex) partners as we play the “Blame Game.” But then again, that’s a decision that each of us gets to make, IF we are willing to go there. As I’ve often quoted from author Ken Unger, “Nothing changes until I change.” 

What had really surprised me (and perhaps, only me), at the time of
the breakup of this marriage, was how the relationship APPEARED to be “working” on several levels. You see, over the course of many years, my wife and I had developed a real “Efficiency” when it came to “getting things done.” What I’m saying is that “we seemed to work well together.” Yes together, we worked at this and accomplished that, and a lot of cards appeared to be falling into place as the years went on. And, the best I can figure is that this "working" mindset of "Efficiency" had somehow become the priority in our relationship, rather than what really mattered. And truly, without placing any blame, I'm not saying
that this is what either of us really wanted, rather it's just where the relationship had gone. . . because something else was missing.

Unfortunately, like most failed relationships, our marriage lacked. . . Unconditional Love. I’m not saying that we didn’t love each other at some level – I feel we did. Although in looking back, it seemed that
(over time) each of us became more committed to the “Marriage” than we were to “Truly Loving” each other, unconditionally – and THAT too, was part of the “work.” In reality, each of us had “expectations” as to how things should really be. And, regardless of how well things “seemed” to be “efficiently working” – with our goals, plans, dreams and acquisitions, the reality was that the Love we shared was simply disintegrating over the years. I’ve often said, when it comes to our own personal woundedness, “Time doesn’t Heal, but it does reveal. . .”
 
The truth is, each of us brought many unresolved and unhealed hurts (baggage) into our relationship that we were simply unable and/or unwilling to deal with in a Healthy and Healing Way. And the reality was, neither of us knew how to FIX it. So, perhaps our work
of “Efficiency” was also part of our escape from the pain which each
of us carried in our Hearts. And I've concluded, those are the things (emotional wounds) that needed to be Healed before we could do
a little more than giving our “crummy best” in trying to make a relationship really "work". 

You see, I’ve come to learn that having an “Efficient Marriage” – one
in which we accomplish all these “things” and acquire all this “stuff” simply won’t make up for a relationship that lacks Unconditional Love. And truly, I’m talking about a Love that never fails. Here are some thoughts from Andy Stanley that seem to ring true with what I’m trying
to share:

-  Promises and Vows (Commitments) don’t make us capable
or able, they just make us accountable. 

-  When you become accountable for something you’re
not capable of doing, you become miserable.

-  Just because we make a promise to someone, doesn’t mean
we have the ability to “pull it off.”

-  When you commit to something you can’t do,
the Promise is worthless.

-  Without our individual willingness to look at our past
and change [often, Healing is necessary - rbd], it’s likely that
our future will be a mere reflection of our past. 

What I’ve learned is that Love has to come first, and everything else needs to come second, or even last. But again, to quote Ken Unger, “Asking someone with a broken heart to truly Love others, is like asking someone with a broken leg to get up and run – it just won’t happen until you get it healed.”

Having experienced that, personally, I’ve come to accept that I really can’t give to someone else that which I don’t feel or have within myself. And the things that really matter – like Love, Compassion and Forgiveness, need to come from a Higher Place. As a close friend often says, “Without our willingness to Forgive from the Heart, as Jesus taught, we’ll have no capacity to Truly Love one another – unconditionally.” (Dan Copan)

Enclosed is a 3-Part Video Series (on YouTube) from Andy Stanley.

He shares some really great insights as to how our “relationship expectations” can contribute to a less than healthy, happy, committed relationship and marriage. I’m hoping you’ll take the time to watch the series, as I’ve been doing. For me, personally, this enlightening and positive message, by Andy, is really some “powerful stuff” when it comes to my wanting to “get things right” in my future relationships. As I’ve often shared before, it really takes two people who are in “Agreement” to make something work, in a Healthy and Healing Way. And, perhaps as it’s said. . . “All things in due time. . .”

To Your Journey and My Journey. . . with Love,

R Butch David 

Here are the video links, if you feel like going there (each Video is about 20-min. in length):

 Part-1  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-Z-WeQkYKk

Part-2  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCPf33QAx2k

Part-3  http://www.youtub.ceom/watch?v=tTifaS-7F9M

The Secret of Successful Relationships

Oh. . . So THAT'S How it Works!

After many positive responses from some friends that I shared a YouTube video with, I've decided to post the following short video with a perspective on "Successful Relationships."

While watching the video, I saw things about myself and relationships
that I've had in my own life. And perhaps, more importantly, I considered (deeply) what God might be wanting to teach me. . . about me and my own desires for "relationship" with others. 

I'm hoping that you'll consider setting aside some time to watch the video (approx. 30-minutes). And, perhaps consider how it may apply to your own life and relationships that you have had in the past, relationships you may have now, or even may desire to have in the future. 

Truly, I feel that NONE OF US has all the answers. But sometimes, it's in our willingness to share our Journeys, and what we've been learning, that we can all benefit from each other. And, it would seem that it's in "having the right questions and seeking for the answers" that can make all the difference. As the Word says, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

Lastly, I can really appreciate the words a close friend of mine shared
with me from his own ongoing Journey of Healing. They're posted in this month's Heart-Line Quotes (which I feel the video also addresses):

Sometimes, the only way to really figure things out
is that you simply “have to go through it.”
But, there’s one thing that I’ve learned and
now know for sure. . . Jesus isn’t some woman.
Or, if you’re a woman – Jesus isn’t just some man.

  
Love Never Fails,

R Butch David