Co-Commitment in Relationships:

Taking Responsibility for Conscious Loving

(By Gay Hendricks, Ph.D, and Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D., BC-DMT)

Close relationships of any kind require a certain level of awareness that
I have only recently come to understand. I have never been much of a self-help person, but when Conscious Loving was recommended to me by basically the wisest person I have ever met, it had a huge impact on my life. The fact that we create and are responsible for the difficulties in our relationships was difficult to digest at first, but as I read on, I realized that Gay and Kate Hendricks’ approach was not only ground-
breaking, but was changing the way I related to the people I love and also, myself.

Q – Can you tell us a little bit about it and how you developed your particular methodology?

A – We have basically chosen to turn our relationship into a living experiment and exploration to see if it is possible to actually be fully authentic and real, to shift from the culturally pervasive blame game to wonder, to own problem-solving and to use the increased energy of our relationship to expand creativity and contribution. That’s an experiment that continues to this day, because we have no secrets, and everything we share with others is something we practice. We met and immediately launched into what is now a 32-year practice.

Q – In your book, you speak a lot about the “conscious” relationship.
Can you quickly define what makes a conscious relationship versus a co-dependent one?

A – A conscious relationship is one in which people are awake to themselves, their feelings and thoughts, and are open to the flow of love and attention with one another. In a conscious relationship you can be completely yourself and completely connected. In a co-dependent relationship you have two halves trying to become whole: one person who doesn’t love him/herself trying to get the other person to love them anyway. In a conscious relationship, both people know they’re whole in themselves; they know they don’t “need” the other person to complete them. In a conscious relationship, it’s about two people celebrating together, not trying to get something from
the other.

Q – What are some examples of co-dependent behavior versus
conscious behavior?

A – We excerpted our book, Conscious Loving for a few examples of co-dependent behavior. Here, we’ve reframed each co-dependent behavior into a conscious, and more positive one.

Co-dependent: You have difficulty allowing others to feel their feelings. If someone feels bad, you rush in to make it better because you think it’s your fault. You worry about other people’s feelings frequently.

Conscious: You are able to be present and attentive when people around you are feeling their emotions. You encourage them to feel their emotions deeply and to express those feelings openly.

Co-dependent: In spite of your “best efforts” people around you do not change their bad habits.

Conscious: You commit to stop enabling the bad habits of people you care about. Instead, you take effective actions that give people the opportunity to take full responsibility for their own wellbeing.

Co-dependent: You have secrets. There are things you have done or not done that you are hiding from another person.

Conscious: You have no secrets. You reveal rather than conceal. You understand that hiding your feelings causes you to withdraw from intimacy, and you take every opportunity to speak honestly about your feelings.
 
Co-dependent: You do not let yourself feel the full range of your feelings. You are out of touch with one or more core emotions such as anger, fear, or sadness. Anger is a particular problem for you. You find it hard to admit that you’re angry, and you have trouble expressing it to other people.

Conscious: You recognize the body sensations that let you know you’re angry. You communicate about all your feelings in a straightforward, easy manner that others can understand.

Co-dependent: You criticize or get criticized frequently. You have a strong, nagging internal critic that keeps you feeling bad even in moments when you could be feeling good.

Conscious: You experience very little criticism, either from outside or within. Your internal critic is in full retirement, having been replaced by a strong inner appreciator.

Co-dependent: You try to control other people, to get them to feel and be a certain way, and you spend a lot of energy being controlled or avoiding being controlled by others.

Conscious: You are aware of those things you can control and the things you cannot control. You put your attention on things you can change, such as expressing what’s true and keeping your agreements, and you make choices that support those areas you can actually influence.

Co-dependent: In arguments, much energy is spent in trying to find out whose fault it is. Both people struggle to prove that they are right, or to prove the other wrong.

Conscious: When difficulties or differences arise, you shift into wonder and healthy responsibility, asking, “Hmmm… how am I creating this, and what could I do differently to create a better result?”

Co-dependent: In arguments, you find yourself pleading victim or agreeing that you were at fault.

Conscious: You take full responsibility for the events that happen in your relationship. You invite the other person to take full responsibility, too. You understand that a relationship can only take place between two people who are equals, both taking full responsibility for events that occur; anything else is an entanglement, not a relationship.

Co-dependent: You frequently agree to do things you do not want to do, feel bad about it, but say nothing.

Conscious: You consider every agreement before making it, and listen closely to your body wisdom, as well as your mind, as to whether you should make it. You keep the agreements you make and know how to change an agreement that isn’t working.

Q – What are the most important elements of a lasting relationship?

A – Commitment and re-commitment: Lasting relationships use wholehearted commitment as a place to come home to and to
steer the relationship. Commitment locates you on your relationship map so you can move from where you are to where you want to be. Recommitting when you mess up is the key, and recommitting to reveal your true self and your true feelings is the crux of it.

For example, committing to reveal gains real traction when, in the moment of noticing that you’re concealing anger, you take a breath, recommit to revealing, and share the experience of being angry. What doesn’t work is concealing, noticing the concealing, blaming yourself for concealing, feeling like a failure, noticing that your partner conceals too and jumping on the "blame merry-go-round".

Blame to Wonder: When issues or differences arise, lasting relationships cultivate and use the wonder move rather than
the popular blame move. Each person gets genuinely curious
about how s/he is contributing to the issue. It might sound like this: “Hmmm. . . I wonder how I’m creating this?”

Emotional Transparency: People in lasting relationships savor their
inner experiences and communicate them easily to each other. The art
of being present, giving loving attention to what’s going on and describing that in a way that not only matches the feelings and sensations, but also lands for the listeners, turns talking into discovery. Truth changes from a report of what just happened to a
flow of renewed interest in each other. It’s also really sexy.

Appreciation: Partners engaged in lasting relationships understand that the flow of love is most quickly enhanced by the ongoing and multi-faceted practice of appreciating. We appreciate verbally, non-verbally, in song and spontaneous dances, with notes, through special foods, with essays and flowers. We especially enjoy assisting others to expand their appreciation vocabularies and have created menus of appreciation that people can find on our website.

Creativity: A close relationship liberates a huge amount of energy,
and many people waste that energy in conflict and power struggles. Lasting relationships fuel their creativity and co-creativity with the free attention and flow of love that allows them to co-create. Instead of pushing against each other, they join to move powerfully in
chosen directions.

Q – How can a couple recover from infidelity?

A – Allow yourself to feel all the emotions that come up. These are
usually anger, sadness, and fear. That includes feeling all the emotions and sharing those as authentically as possible over time.

Each person should take healthy responsibility for the events that have taken place. Both people need to ask themselves, “Hmmm, why was it inevitable that this situation occurred in my life at this particular time?” Asking a powerful question like that takes you out of thinking of yourself as a victim.

Talk through what happened, listen generously to each other,
and focus on what can be learned. This way, partners can actually create a stronger relationship than before. Blame and withholding
after infidelity, on the other hand, make it very difficult to recover. Partners then can commit to each other to resolve the issue and create a new relationship based on what they really want.

Q – What do you advise singles to do to be ready to find love?

A – We’ve worked with more than 20,000 singles in our seminars and our eCourses. From that experience, two things make the biggest difference for singles wanting to attract genuine love. First, and most importantly, is to love any aspect of yourself you think is unlovable. When you deeply love yourself, you’re more likely to attract someone who values and loves him or herself. If you don’t love, accept, and value yourself, you will attract people who don’t love, accept, and value themselves, either. Second, get clear on your three absolute yes’s and three absolute no’s. These are the qualities and traits that you most value and those behaviors and traits that are deal-breakers for you. Knowing your absolute yes’s and no’s creates a clear doorway for the person you most want to attract.

Q – Why is learning to love yourself important to making a relationship with another person work? How do we even begin to learn how to do that?

A – Something unloved lurks at the base of almost all relationship issues. The more each of us gives loving presence to all of ourselves,
the more available we become to receive and enjoy the flow of love and harmony. An unloved part of ourselves has a tendency to look like it lives over there in the other person and leads to control and power struggles. It’s much easier, more efficient, and more productive to love yourself thoroughly than to try to get others
to change. And we’ve noticed that the more people genuinely love themselves, the more harmony and creativity they generate around them. The simplest exercise we teach in our seminars is something anyone
can benefit from:

Take a moment to think of someone you know you love. Bring that person to mind and feel how you love him or her. Keep focusing on that person until you generate a genuine felt-experience of loving.

Now, turn the love toward yourself. Love yourself just the same way you love that person you were thinking of.

Feel that love toward something you’ve been afraid is unlovable in yourself. Perhaps you feel a deep hurt or harbor an old fear that you’re unlovable. Love each of those things, just as you would love a child who occasionally makes mistakes. All you need to do is love as much as you can from wherever you are.

Gay Hendricks, Ph.D, and Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D., BC-DMT founded the Hendricks Institute together. Based in Ojai, California, it is an international learning center that teaches core skills for conscious living and loving. They have worked together for over 30 years, and with over 30,000 people, to assist them in opening to more creativity and love through the power of conscious relationships and whole-person learning. They are authors of many best-selling books on relationships. Their book,Conscious Loving continues to be a huge success and is used as a textbook in many graduate programs.

Hurts That Can Be Trusted

Sharing an Article by Greg Baker

According to “the world,” to be a “Teacher” you have to be certified. Now personally, I think there have been a lot of people in my life who taught me quite a bit. And although a few of those are teachers, most of them aren’t. To some degree though, I think the others who aren’t teachers are still “certifiable” – but, maybe only in the “crazy” category. Then again, I tend to be attracted to people who are a little crazy. I’m often drawn to people who are “out of the box” and who are the free-thinkers. Besides, in Jesus day,
I get the sense that more than a few people thought He was a bit “crazy.” But typically, it was only those who thought that their personal Theology and Religion was flawless and in order. . . Hmmm?

I recall something in the Bible about our need to “remain teachable,” that is, to be open and willing to continue to learn. At times, it would seem
that the greatest threat to our learning anything from anyone, regardless of their position in life, is our pride. It’s kind of like, “Who are YOU to teach me anything???” Well, so be it. Often another factor involved, regarding our willingness to be taught, is whether or not we respect the person who’s willing to share something they’ve learned.

For me, I was always willing to learn about informational things like the “how to do” this or the “why” of that and even the “did you know” kind of stuff. It was easy for others to share things with me about history, nature, technical information, creative techniques and other outward things. I liked to learn that stuff. But still, sometimes we can get stuck. . .

“I want the truth”. . .
“You can’t HANDLE the TRUTH!”  
(Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson – From the movie, A Few Good Men)

Unfortunately, there was also another side of me that, well, was basically “unapproachable” when it came to learning other things. Truly, I feel that’s a dangerous place to be. When it came to the “inner-most parts” – the things that were going on in my mind and heart (especially the “unhealed broken places”), that’s where my “willingness to learn” came
to a halt. There were some things I just didn’t want to talk about and other things that I just didn’t want to hear. Maybe I was going deaf? And for those of you who know me well, we know that’s not far off – at least not
for me.

A True Friend is the kind that will often “watch our back.”
But ideally, that’s more than just protecting us from harm.

It’s also about showing us our “Blind-Spots” –
the areas in which we might fall short or off the mark.
And yet, still being willing to Love and Accept us, just the same.

I think I put up some rather serious walls with certain relationships in my life. It would seem that at some point, I even climbed up onto one of those walls. And who’d have guessed? I eventually wound up playing the part of “Humpty Dumpty” – and we all know what happened to him. . . Maybe, that was just part of his Journey – and mine. I’m guessing that like most
of us, Humpty actually had some friends who might have wanted to warn him about what could happen, should he decide to go up on that wall. Sometimes, it seems that “loftiness” has it’s “price.” I'll bet Humpty did have some friends who cared. Maybe, it was a friend who had already fallen off that wall and knew about how that would feel?

Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still;
teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning.
(Proverbs 9:9) 

In reality, I’m just not in any position to give ANYONE advice. I can only share what I've experienced and have been learning while on my Healing Journey. By Grace, I have some truly wonderful friends – people who are willing to help me by sharing what they’ve learned. And, they’re also willing to "Share the Truth with me, in Love," regarding what they see in me. Sometimes that hurts – but it’s “a good kind of hurt” because I know they really care and, eventually, I’ve benefited. Maybe another factor involved in having that kind of a friendship with someone is Trust – trusting that they truly care for you and that they have your best interest at heart. One thing I have come to know – we all have “blind spots” – things that we just don’t see about ourselves. And that’s when it’s good to have someone “watching our back.”

So, did you ever consider what it would take to have a REALLY GREAT friendship with someone? Well I have – and I’ve found that a really GREAT friendship is usually going to involve. . . INVESTMENT. When we actually invest (make ourselves available) in other people’s lives, and let them know that we are there for them – whenever they are ready. . . that’s when they will hopefully come to know that we truly care. Following is an article I found which relates to true friendship.

R Butch David

P.S. Here is an AMAZING music-video I found entitled, "The Friend of a Wounded Heart." I'm hoping you'll take the time to watch it and consider the message it brings. And sometimes, God even shows up with "some skin on him" through others who have been through the same hurts that we're going through, and who are willing to be there for us. . . whenever we're ready.

The Wounds of a Friend

An Article by Greg Baker*

Friendship is not a relationship separate from other relationships. Friendship is the height or pinnacle of other relationships. Thus,
a child or parent can become a friend. A spouse can become a friend.
A neighbor or coworker can become a friend.

But with this closeness comes a particular ability – the ability to hurt you more quickly and easily than others. Just check out social forums and websites and you'll quickly realize that it is those closest to us that hurt us the most.

For a true friend, hurting you will come in two categories:

1. The unintentional or the thoughtless wound.

2. The intentional and purposeful wound.

Too many times we allow the unintentional and thoughtless wound to affect us with more than we should. People say things that hurt us without intending to. People do things that hurt us thoughtlessly. We take these injuries and nurse them, bearing an emotional or mental grudge. But since the injury was thoughtless or unintentional, the other person may be unaware of your pain. As a result, you may see them as callous and cold. Many friendships end up in disaster over this.

Good communication will solve most of these issues. If you will be open and talk about the injury or pain, the other person, if they are a true friend, will help you to heal.

But don't let a thoughtless or unintentional wound consume you. Please, don't make it into a cancer that will poison your entire relationship.

The other type of wound is the intentional and purposeful one. This is where a friend will hurt you in an effort to help you in some manner.
If you have a friend like this, count your blessings.

The Bible says: Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. (Proverbs 27:6)

A friend is faithful to you at times when they have to hurt you. A true friend won't agree with you in all your decisions. Sometimes, we think a friend ought to support us in everything. But if what you want to do is just flat out stupid, a true friend won't support it! Thank God that there is someone in your life willing to hurt you in your own best interests.

Even if you disagree, you need to realize that having such a friend is a valuable asset. You never want to let go of someone like that! Most people expect a friend to be on their side in every situation. This is just not true. When our side is wrong, when our side is misguided, we need someone who will point out the mistakes and fallacies in our choices, our decisions, and our thinking.

I dare say, if everyone around you has always supported every decision you made, you are either wise beyond imagination, or you've blundered from one disaster to another. I thank God for the friends in my life that have stood in my way when I was headed towards disaster. Thank God for the friends who have hurt me.

* Greg S. Baker is a Pastor, Counselor, and Author specializing in
building and strengthening relationships. Please visit our website at:
fitlyspoken.org

  

Attraction vs. Attachment

Insight on Why We May Choose, Whom We Choose

Based on an Article by Robert Burney entitled:
"Letting Go of Emotionally Unavailable People."
 
While researching information on relationships over the past few years,
I’ve read that “people tend to attract others who are in a ‘similar station of life’.” In a related, but slightly different tone, it’s also been stated that we often “attract others who have a ‘similar woundedness’ to our own.” Subconsciously (or consciously?), it’s kind of like. . .
“That happened to you? Wow, that happened to me, too!” Truly, I feel we can be “attracted” to someone for a variety of reasons. But then, who we become “attached to” often seems to reveal some truth from those previous statements.

There can be many reasons for our “initial attraction” to someone else.
We can be attracted because of their physical appeal or personality, something about their character, or simply because of the way that they treat us. Or it might be their fame, fortune, ministry, occupation or status that attracts us. And then, there’s always the “opposites attract” cliché – which is quite common. Now although opposites may often attract each other, initially, in many cases they seldom wind up staying together, in the long-run. There has to be something shared, relationally, other than just the differences.

Now it’s after the initial attraction (often referred to as “infatuation”) that we either become somewhat “attached” to another person, even if only temporarily, or we don’t. And therein lies the real question, which is:  

“Is our potential ‘attachment’ to
someone moving BOTH of us in a
‘Healthy and Healing’ relational direction –
Or, is it really just ‘two wounded Souls’
finding compatibility in OUR unhealed pain?” 

The former can have positive results – the latter often seems, well, rather predictable. I think that a lasting relationship ("attachment") really boils down to a question of compatibility – especially of the heart and mind.
So maybe, that’s why God asks the question: “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” (Amos 3:3)  Ideally, I feel that the “healthier” each of us is, individually, the better chance there is to having a “Happy and Healthy Relationship” – especially over time. And although it's been proven that time does not heal – it often does reveal. . .

The following article shares some interesting thoughts on “Why We May Choose, Whom We Choose,” relationally speaking. Ideally, I feel that
for a relationship to be Happy, Healthy, Loving and Lasting, BOTH partners need to be focused on a “Healing Path” in which we can help each other to forgive and heal the hurts of our past. And, that also includes helping each other to “deal with” (and Heal) any current and future hurts that may come our way, as a "couple."

For myself and others, we've found that “Forgiveness from the Heart” (which Jesus taught) is the “Path of Healing” that enables us to truly Love each other unconditionally and, perhaps, without expectations. And truly, our expectations of others are often coming from unresolved issues and hurts from our previously unhealed relationships, not to mention the "parental blueprints" and other relational deficiencies which we've experienced from our own childhood. So, maybe the solution is just like when your car is giving you trouble. . . “You can't 'get it fixed' until you know what's broken.” And sometimes, the "brokenness" is within ourselves. . . and THAT'S the part that needs to get fixed, first.

Here's to Hope, Happiness and Healing – For ALL of Us,

R Butch David

Letting Go of Emotionally Unavailable People

(By Robert Burney)

In our diseased [wounded – rbd] defense system we build up huge walls
to protect ourselves and then – as soon as we meet someone who will help us to repeat our patterns of abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and/or deprivation – we lower the drawbridge and invite them in. We, in our Codependence, have radar systems which cause us to be attracted to, and attract to us, the people, who for us personally, are exactly the most untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering or abusive or whatever we
need to repeat our patterns) individuals – exactly the ones who will
"push our buttons." 

This happens because those people feel familiar. Unfortunately in childhood the people whom we trusted the most – were the most familiar, and also hurt us the most. So the effect is that we keep repeating our patterns and being given the reminder that it is not safe to trust ourselves or other people.

Once we begin Healing we can see that the Truth is, that it is not safe to trust as long as we are reacting out of the emotional wounds and attitudes of our childhoods. Once we start Recovering, then we can begin to see that on a Spiritual level these repeating behavior patterns “are opportunities to heal the childhood wounds.”

"I spent most of my life being the victim of my own thoughts, my own emotions and my own behaviors.  I was consistently picking untrustworthy people to trust and unavailable people to love. I could not trust my own emotions because I was incapable of being honest with myself emotionally – which made me incapable of truly being honest on any level." *

Codependency is an incredibly insidious, treacherous disease. It is a compulsively reactive condition in which our ego programming from childhood dictates how we live our lives today. As long as we are not in recovery from our codependency, we are powerless to make clear choices in discerning whether or not someone we are attracted to is available for a healthy relationship – we are in fact, doomed to keep repeating patterns. 

Emotionally we are drawn to people who feel familiar on an energetic level. That is, people who, on an emotional vibrational level, resonate with us as being familiar. It feels to us as if we have a strong connection to those people. In other words, we have an inner radar system that causes us to be attracted to people who resonate vibrationally in a way that is familiar on an emotionally intimate level.  We are attracted to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our most powerful and earliest experience of emotional intimacy and love – our parents.

No matter how much we are making an effort on a conscious level to not pick anyone like our parents, energetically we feel a strong attraction to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our first experience
of love. It was very important for me to get aware of the reality that
if I met someone who felt like my soul mate, I had better watch out. Those are exactly the people who will fit my patterns – and recreate my wounding.

It was very important for me to recognize the power of this type of attraction. And also to realize, that on a Spiritual level, these people were teachers who were in my life to help me get in touch with my childhood wounds. It was vital for me to start being aware that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate, it did not mean we were going to live happily ever after. What it meant was that I was being given another wonderful, and painful, opportunity for growth.

Becoming conscious of these emotional energetic dynamics was a very important part of owning my power. My power to make choices, to accept consequences, to take responsibility for my choices and consequences – and to not buy into the belief that I was being victimized by the other person, or my own defectiveness [woundedness – rbd].

Recognizing unavailability in the other person does not mean that
I have to let go of the relationship – at least not immediately, but it could be something I will decide to do eventually. 

What is so important, is to let go of focusing on that person as the cause of, or solution to, my problems.  We are in our codependency as long as we are focusing on the other person and buying into the illusion that if we just: work a little harder, lose some more weight; make some more money; do and/or say the right things – whatever – that the other person will change and be everything we want them to be.

Codependents focus on others to keep from looking at themselves.  We need to let go of focusing on the other person and start focusing inside to understand what is happening. Our adult patterns, the people we have been in relationship with, are symptoms – effects of our childhood wounding. We cannot solve a problem without looking at the cause. Focusing on symptoms (which our society is famous for:  war on drugs, war on poverty, etc.) will not heal the cause.

The reason that we get involved with people who are unavailable, is because we are unavailable. We are attracted to people who feel familiar because on some level we are still trying to prove our worth by earning the Love and respect of our unavailable parents. We think we are going to rescue the other person which will prove our worth – or that we need them to rescue us because of our lack of worth. The princess will kiss me and turn me from a frog into a prince, the prince will rescue
me and take me to live in the castle, syndrome. We need to own our own worth – our own "Prince- or Princess-ness" before we can be available for a healthy relationship with someone who has owned their own worth. 

It is not possible to love someone enough to get them to stop hating and being unavailable to them self. We need to let go of that delusion. We need [each of us - rbd] to focus on healing our self – on understanding
and healing the emotional wounds that have driven us to pick people who could not give us what we want emotionally. We need to develop some healthy emotional intimacy with ourselves before we are capable of being available for a healthy relationship with someone who is also available.

*All quotes in this color are from the book
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
http://www.recoverycodependence.com/

 

 

In Search of a "Soul Mate"

Are Soul Mates Real, or a Myth?

An Article by John Grey, Ph.D  

Most People Dream about Having a Soul Mate. . .
But Few Turn the Dream into a Reality

The idea of a Soul Mate has both, conscious or unconscious, elements. Even if we do not intellectually believe in Soul Mates, we are still affected. Many people openly and consciously yearn for a Soul Mate. They may even believe one person is out there for them, that “right” person.

In Rutgers University’s National Marriage Project Survey, 94% of people surveyed said: “When you marry, you want your spouse to be your soul mate, first and foremost.” Another 88% said: “There is a special person,
a Soul Mate, waiting for you out there.” But even those who don’t believe
in Soul Mates consciously are just as affected by a similar idea that operates unconsciously – and more powerfully. We all hold some unconscious list of notions describing an “ideal” relationship partner.

But reality inevitably fails to match our ideals. And we judge and react to real people according to our ideals. As a result, many relationships that have potential are blocked, if not lost. And dissatisfaction, unhappiness and upsets are unconsciously generated. Is the very notion of “Soul Mate” (conscious or unconscious) just a self-limiting fantasy – an idealization which only keeps us from ever feeling truly satisfied with a real-life human partner? Or are we not seeing a positive potential here?

Something Vital about Relationships

What I will tell you about Soul Mates is a paradox that goes beyond fantasies, myths, empty hopes or hype. It may get you to realize something vital about relationships, no matter what you believe
about Soul Mates.

Perhaps I have nothing more useful to say than the next guy, if all you want to talk about is belief systems or occult theories. But I’m not going
to discuss beliefs or theories here. They don’t interest me at all. I’m only interested in practical results that you can see, hear, touch and feel – something that you can live!

Day in and day out I work with couples in all situations and predicaments. I witness what builds true, lasting, and profoundly satisfying Love. This is a Love which sometimes fills couples when they are starting out. They say they feel just like “Soul Mates” – so enormous and enveloping is the Love they feel. It’s easy to feel like you are Soul Mates in the midst of a passionate and seemingly endless honeymoon.

When you feel like Soul Mates at the end of a decade, something else is involved. It is not a fantasy, but a realization based on a real-world track record, already well-tested by time.

Meeting Your Soul Mate vs. Becoming Soul Mates

I figure this – you don’t just meet a “Soul Mate” and live happily ever
after, like the myth that we all would prefer to believe says. Instead, I
have observed that real world Soul Mates become that – by growing together in certain ways and working through challenges successfully –
as contrasted with how many other couples get stuck in less fulfilling, impoverished relationships. Putting this together, the following formula occurred to me:

Love at First Sight + Honeymoon = Potential Soul Mates

Love that Overcomes Challenges = Real-World Soul Mates

I define real-world Soul Mates as two partners who engage in overcoming challenges that test their relationship.

This is not something you can forecast in advance, when you initially fall in love. So, in a real sense, whether you feel like “Soul Mates” or not at the start of a relationship does not tell you how you will end up a decade later. Real-world Soul Mates are tempered by time, like metal by fire. Time reveals that they persistently chose to learn and grow when confronted by challenges.

All relationships get tested and challenged, simply because all of us
have some personal growth to do – no matter who your partner is. Soul Mates are partners who actually do their growth in the face of a challenge. Many couples start off with great hopes and dreams, are potential Soul Mates, but then falter when challenges arise.

With today’s high rate of relationship dissatisfaction, and divorce, it’s
time for major change. Regardless of intellectual beliefs, most of us unconsciously hold onto a fantasy-based Soul Mate Myth. The danger with this Soul Mate ideal – whether we subscribe consciously, or unconsciously – is that in times of challenge, we usually find our real-world partner comes up short of our internal idealized, hoped-for
mate. And then we, ourselves, start to think and act in ways that hurt our real-world relationship. I find it critical to turn the myth inside-out, to create an inspiring and useful approach to long-term happiness in Love.

The Honeymoon. . .
Falling in Love is like a Spiritual Experience

When couples first fall in love, it is the “Honeymoon” – a time of magic and wonder. Hearts open. Spirits soar. In this expansive state, with ecstatic feelings of being in love, couples may feel they are Soul Mates. Here is the sense I make of this. The feeling of “being Soul Mates” is all about the incredible openness and receptivity, the expansion so far beyond our norm and comfort zone, the heightened clear access to energy and passion.

This is our internal state. We assume it comes from outside of us – from the other person we are with. In a word, we call them our “Soul Mate”. But, what we are really talking about is our own internal state of expansion. Some say the honeymoon is like a spiritual experience. But, reality says the honeymoon does not last forever. So it’s important to refine our thinking about Soul Mates, True Love, and what is essential for
a lasting relationship.

Love is everything, right? We want the honeymoon to last forever. If you find your Soul Mate, you live happily ever after, right? It’s predestined, right? What every honeymoon lover hopes for, and wants to believe, is that famous song verse is going to be true for them: “All you need is Love…”

Love is Not Enough

It takes more than just love – or that incomparable opening and expansion in the honeymoon – to have a lasting relationship. Countless couples start with total positive feelings of being “In Love,” and then somewhere down the road, they painfully split up. What does this reality tell us?

In the honeymoon, we coast along in a purely receptive role. There is nothing we have to do. We just enjoy all those great honeymoon feelings of being in love. During this phase, we feel our partner inspires and uplifts us. Yet when differences or upset feelings arise in a relationship, as inevitably they will, we find ourselves without our source of inspiration. Both partners want that missing uplift, and neither is able to
inspire it.

Finding a “Soul Mate” is Not Enough

There is the moment in all relationships when a couple turns from the bliss of the honeymoon and encounters their first problem, issue, difference or upset. This is a shock, and may lead to disappointment or doubts. The expansion and openness of the honeymoon reverses, and there is a contraction. Just like the initial opening, the contraction – the closing down – is an internal state. Yet, just as before, it is blamed on the other person. Now, we think, “This is not the right person after all…”

That is the Soul Mate Myth coming alive inside of us, affecting us
to think and possibly act in ways that will take our relationship down a negative path. In this sense, the common myth of Soul Mates is a very dangerous one indeed – because it usually ends
up being a relationship-breaker.

Often people can't see what to do when their relationship gets challenged or tested by time. Each partner hopes the other will re-inspire all those great “In Love” feelings of opening and expanding. This way of thinking is a trap. You make it the other person’s job to open you. It cannot be done. When you get right down to it, couples in this trap are being passive and out of touch with their own true power of loving.

The trap is this: Each person is depending on the other person to make things better again. That’s called co-dependency. As it never works, each ends up resenting the other person. In the honeymoon, the relationship theme is: “YOU make me feel great!” But when challenges arise, in the next phase of Love – and if couples remain passive – the next theme becomes: “YOU make me feel bad.”

Deepening Love Beyond the Honeymoon –
Lasting Soul Mates are Not Passive

There is that next phase to Love, the one beyond the honeymoon. If we want a great relationship to deepen and last, we need to realize that “happily ever after” includes feelings other than happiness. There will also be challenges. We are the ones who must realize it is our own openness that is the key to keeping a relationship great and growing – and then learn to re-open ourselves – even when there are challenges. Especially when there are challenges!

The myth of “Soul Mates” is about a relationship that is blue sky forever – always sunny, and that sunshine pours down on us, brightens us up, and lifts us. In real-world relationships, challenges come. The sky occasionally clouds. We are asked to stay present with what is – not run and hide, waiting for the rainy day to pass. We are challenged to put aside limiting beliefs and embrace the rain, realizing that even rain has
a positive purpose.

Relationship is our greatest teacher. It tells us what we need to learn next in life for our personal growth. In love we are called on to “do the work” – to become more skillful in relating, move beyond our past wounds and limits, and grow as human beings. This personal growth will include learning new tools and strategies in how we communicate, behave, and process emotions.

Soul Mates Engage in Personal Growth –
Love Brings Up Our Lesson Plan

In the most challenging case, relationship work means showing up in a new way when both partners are stuck in negativity. It means embracing the upsets and learning how to expand and elevate the situation.

Couples who are becoming Soul Mates are willing to learn how to open themselves, even when the going gets rough. They commit to learn to bring out their best, instead of passively giving way to their habitual reactions. They refuse to simply close down into fear, withdrawal, self-defensiveness, resentment, blame, criticism, or the many other common ways we destroy our own relationships. As a Japanese proverb suggests: “The Obstacle IS the Path.”

You are called on to instigate positive transformation. Each partner needs to come forward in times of challenge and expand to the occasion, rather than closing down. What prevents us from doing this work is the lack of a good model for how to do it. How many couples did you witness doing this when you were growing up?

Did We Learn to "Do the Work" of Relationship?

We were told “Relationships take work.” But, we are sadly lacking in useful guidelines, strategies or models for doing that work. We have few tools or understandings that lift us to transform, much less resolve, our upsets.

Most of us were raised in families which did not model how to do the work. We have seldom seen it done well, and may not even know a couple that can do it at all. For over three decades, our society has had persistently poor statistics on the lasting success of love, relationship or marriage. It is becoming clear that if we want to beat the odds and succeed in a great, long-term relationship, we need to learn to do the work of relationship ourselves. We need to pioneer a new path.

Let’s start this work now, by consciously proposing a real-world definition for the word “Soul Mates.” A useful definition:

How Do You Know if You Are True “Soul Mates”?

You are real-world Soul Mates if you’re both doing your personal growth work in the face of challenges. You cannot know it by the honeymoon phase alone. To know you are real-world Soul Mates, you need to see how you both show up to work with real-world upsets, sensitivities, differences and challenges.

Some couples start with all the magic feelings about being Soul Mates – and then it fizzles. Continuing to want a passive solution to love, they conclude their partner was not the “right person” after all. They then look for the next honeymoon high, hitch the next passive ride – until it crashes.

Other couples do not even think the word Soul Mate, nor do they believe in magic. But they commit to personal growth and face each lesson that Love brings up. After awhile, doing the work of relationship over the years, they can see the solid trust and intimacy they have built, and there is little doubt in their hearts – they ARE Soul Mates, in the sense that they are now experiencing a solidity in their Love which has never occurred previously in their lives.

The solidity and clarity of this feeling of being “Soul Mates” is based
on the personal growth which enables you, yourself, to stay open even
in the face of a challenge, problem or emotionally-charged issue. It is in that openness that these difficulties resolve and Love grows even stronger. In many ways, the expectations of the normal myth of Soul Mates is what keeps us from opening to our real-world mate – once we feel closed, upset, disappointed, or any other negative feeling.

But paradoxically, it is in the willingness to open, and re-open again – as often as needed – and embrace the obstacle directly in front
of you – that you finally get to a more continual and expanded state, a reliable fullness of love, and the deep core sense of being Soul Mates. This is very different than the early sense of openness and expansiveness in the honeymoon, where you get your first glimpse of the feeling of being Soul Mates. It is based on real world experience, and passing the tests where most couples fail. And you KNOW that. There is no longer any doubt.

Soul Mates happen, of course, when both partners are simultaneously doing this. Becoming Soul Mates is not a solitary process. It is the result of two people opening, even in the face of challenges. You know you are with a “Soul Mate” if you are both doing your Soul-Work together. Soul-Work is that courageous self-opening, expanding and growing as a chosen response to challenges that close down most people.

In doing that work, you evolve yourself and your soul matures.
The requirement is being willing to take a challenge to heart and respond to it by learning new tools, strategies or understandings
to overcome it. Doing that enables you to succeed in building a partnership so unparalleled that the best way you have to describe that in words – is that you are truly Soul Mates.

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