Healthy & Healing Relationships

It's an Agreement of the Hearts

(An Article by Copan & David) 
 
A friend and I were talking the other day about relationships – in particular, Healthy and Healing Relationships. While thinking about past relationships in my life, I recall that some of those weren’t all that healthy to begin with. Other relationships became less healthy over time. One thing for sure –
all relationships can benefit from some healing, both as they develop and surely, long before they ever might come to an end. Our conversation continued and the subject of reconciliation also arose. What does that word really mean in a relationship? Is there a “healthy and healing” part that needs to be included? Perhaps instead of asking the question about whether or not two people want to reconcile, the better question would be, “Do you want (desire) to have a healthy relationship with this person, and what is that going to involve?”  When asked, the answer to that question would most likely reveal the condition and attitude of one’s heart toward another person. 

I’ve been told, and I agree, that true reconciliation is a Heart-Matter. 
It’s about “An agreement of the hearts (of both people) as it relates to 
the ‘issues’ that caused the two people to become estranged in the first place.” Those issues are caused by: 1) the hurts that each person carried into the relationship from their own past, 2) the hurts that two people have put on each other, and 3) the hurts caused by others outside of that personal relationship that still have an impact upon those two people, individually or collectively. It sounds like a 3-Strikes and You're Out Formula for disaster.Yet, I sincerely believe that healthy relationships are possible, but not without each person involved being willing to do the work. More often than not, that work needs to be done within ourselves, first. 

Our individual hurts can often lead us down a path where we want to
blame someone else for a failing, unhappy or miserable relationship. But often, it's our own individual hurts, that is, the unhealed wounds and pain we carry in our own hearts, which is responsible for the lack of true Joy (the unhappiness we feel) in our lives. Yet, instead of seeking the healing for our own wounds, we often look past ourselves and instead, look for someone else as a source to provide the wholeness and happiness we lack. It's kind of like being diagnosed with a cancer and then asking the doctor if he has a large enough band-aid to fix it. Some wounds simply won't heal without surgery. 

I remember thinking, “I have issues with you and problems with our relationship.” Yet, as my healing journey progressed, I found that wasn’t the primary case at all. Surely, relationships will have issues and hurts that exist within and between two people. There’s no denying that. But,
I came to understand that, “I had issues within my own heart – things (hurts) that needed to be addressed and healed within myself.” I found that the issues and problems really weren't so much between me and the other person; they were about me, first. In time, all of us might come to that same understanding. Everyone who was ever born has, at one time or another, experienced a broken heart – that is, an emotional wounding to their soul. Some people have experienced that kind of wounding many, many times throughout their life. And as a result – Hurt People, hurt people (HPx2). I've found that a broken heart simply doesn't lend itself well to loving people unconditionally, nor does a broken leg lend itself to running very well. 

Our History Plays a Part. . .

Another thing that makes it difficult to have a healthy relationship 
is the history. The history of our current relationships can often provide, what seems to be, an insurmountable obstacle. In new relationships there literally is no history. The history gets written as the relationship develops. But unfortunately, everyone is bringing their own baggage (past hurts and unresolved issues) of personal history into every new relationship they have. And, that history includes all of the unhealed hurts from previous relationships in our lives that were never dealt with. Then, it’s really only a matter of time. One person says or does something that presses on “a previously unhealed hurt” and BOOM – it hurts all over again, if not even worse. Now the current relationship is affected, as well, from a past hurt. The real problem is that those wounds have been festering for a long time. They were never dealt with and healed – they were just pushed down or forgotten about. 

The history of two people can have some good things, too. They involve the sharing of positive things like quality time, intimacy, understanding, promises, hopes, dreams, plans and accomplishments – all that were given with the best of intentions, even in love. Often, as the history of a relationship develops, it can cause the good things to diminish and walls to go up. Walls goes up when unhealed and unresolved hurts come into that current relationship – even causing and allowing the “sun going down on our anger" (wounds), over and over. Those hurts can be from the current relationship, previous relationships and experiences, or both. Hurts cause walls to go up between two hearts that are supposed to be one. Walls are barriers to communication – they keep things in and they keep things out. Without open and healthy communication, conflict resolution and healing, there will truly be no relationship. 

The wall that goes up between two people will often be made of hardened stone. The stones used in that wall come from the wounds we receive 
and will be supported by a mortar (glue) which has ingredients (feelings) like anger, resentment, disappointment, bitterness, pain, hatred, fear, suspicion, despair, disgust, mistrust, unhappiness and sometimes even hopelessness. I am sure there are other negative feelings, as well. Those feelings often develop as a result of the hurt and pain which we carry in our hearts, because of the wounds we've received in our relationships. Walls are an indication of a hardened heart. And, it's a hardened heart that comes from a broken, wounded heart. Soft (healing) hearts don't break – they're pliable and they bend. 

The hurts we take on in our relationships have a history attached to them, along with the negative and unloving feelings that develop as a result. Left unchecked, unaccounted for, unresolved and unhealed, the trauma and infection from those hurts and wounds will be devastating, even to a relationship that started out with a “whole lotta love,” like most of our relationships do. The hurts we place upon others often aren’t intentional, but they still happen and we hurt others, just the same. And, as I think we’ve all experienced, it can hurt real badly. So, I've learned that the history of hurts within our relationships needs to be healed, as well.

A Healing Solution 

I've come to realize there is something else desperately needed to have Healthy and Healing Relationships – that is Forgiveness. I've learned that without forgiveness, the way Christ forgives us, we have no capacity to truly Love. Yet, we need to feel that forgiveness within and for ourselves, first, before we can even begin to forgive others. I know I had to. I've come to learn we simply can't give to others what we don't feel, or have, within ourselves. So maybe, the first relationship I need to work on is between myself and Someone who has the absolute Authority to Forgive and Heal.

Without my having a truly intimate relationship with Christ, I’ve come
to experience that most of my relationships would fail, sooner or later. I feel that’s part of what is meant when He says, “Without Me, you can do nothing.” I found that I really needed to start focusing on my own personal relationship with Him. I realized that I need to depend upon Him, rather than someone else, for my sense of wholeness and well-being. I've also realized that the main reason I didn't have many healthy relationships with people, is because my heart had been broken from all of the hurts I had taken on in my life. The healing of my wounded heart, which I badly needed, had to come from Someone who has the Power to Heal. It had 
to come from a Higher Place. 

Christ came to tear down walls, as the curtain in the Temple was torn.
He came to bridge the gap (brokenness) between each of us and God,
and also each other. He alone can "fill in the gaps," and even heal all of the broken places within our hearts. No escape, in any form, will do it (Heal us) – Time won’t do it. Keeping ourselves busy won’t do it.
A successful career, fame, fortune and money won't do it. Alcohol, drugs, sex or some other passion won't do it. Religion won't do it. New relationships and running away won't do it. And, our own minds definitely can't do it. It really is a "Heart-Matter." Christ is the Chief Surgeon who wants to heal our broken hearts – literally, and in reality, "He came to HEAL the brokenhearted." (Luke 4:18)* He also wants to heal our broken and wounded relationships. After all, if we're going to spend Eternity together, then maybe our desire should be in asking Him to heal these broken relationships while we're still here. It would be great practice for getting along later on, don't you think? 

A friend of mine seldom, if ever, uses the word "sin." He almost always refers to "sin" as "hurts." When I asked why he said, “That’s easy – because sin HURTS, doesn’t it?” Yes, it surely does – it hurts the person who carries it and the person it is placed upon. In effect, both the offended and the offender will suffer. I truly wish that people would be willing to ask (and answer) that better question: “Do you want to have
a Healthy and Healing Relationship with this person?”  

I believe that healthy relationships can happen and are definitely possible, even despite the history of hurts that are involved. An “Agreement of the Hearts” is where two people must first meet, in Christ. He alone is the provider of Healing and Peace within ourselves and in our relationships with others. Another friend shared that the “Unequally Yoked” part in the Bible is not just about whether or not both people are Believers. It’s about whether they have the same “Spirit of Agreement” with each other – that is, within and between their hearts. Perhaps the question of “Do you want to get well?” or in effect, “Do you want to be healthy?” not only pertains to the individual, but to our relationships with others also. 

*Luke 4:18  "The Spirit of the LORD is upon Me, Because He has anointed Me to preach the Gospel (Good News) to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty (freedom) to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty (free) those who are oppressed."