Understanding Relationship Breakdowns

Taking a Look at Commitments and Communication

Some of us know how it is – one day, a spouse or partner just decides that they simply “don’t want to (or can’t) do this, anymore.” It’s something that seemingly happens “out of the blue,” so to speak. But chances are, as I’ve experienced, the breakdown of the relationship DIDN’T just happen overnight. More likely, it was something that had been building up, or rather breaking down, for quite some time.

Perhaps one or both partners simply weren’t PAYING ATTENTION to what was occurring, relationally. But then again, either partner might have been aware of exactly what was happening (along with the resulting emotional distance) and yet, simply didn’t know WHAT to do to or HOW to “fix it.” All too often, we wind up just pretending (denial) that something that was said or done (or wasn’t said or done) simply wasn’t all that important, and that we need to “let it go” or perhaps “get over it.” Then again, maybe we just made up our minds to “Be Nice” to each other. Now unfortunately, most of those perspectives usually go along with the “don’t sweat the small stuff” ideal. But when the “small stuff” involves feelings and relational matters, well I’ve learned (the hard way) that it’s probably best to deal with these issues, as they occur. In my own life, I’ve learned that the “small stuff” often DOES matter, and I’ve wished that I had known better.

Quite often, it’s in our inability (and/or unwillingness) to deal with things in a “healthy way,” as they occur, that allows the “sun to go down on our anger” (our relational hurts) over and over. Then one day, it would seem that the sun just doesn’t come out, anymore. Personally, I know what that’s like and maybe you do, too – and eventually it really hurts.

Now although I don’t believe that “time heals” anything, I do believe that
in time, ALL THINGS are revealed – even the true heartfelt feelings of
our supposedly committed relationships. I’ve also experienced that, over time, our deepest unhealed hurts and the true condition of our previously wounded hearts will eventually come to the surface in any relationship – committed or otherwise. But in sharing my thoughts and experiences here, I’ll be writing about relationships in which there IS some defined sense of commitment – verbal, vowed or otherwise.

Commitments are On-Going. . .
They’re NOT just One-Time Events

Commitments in relationships are often made with the best of intentions. However, I’ve come to accept that there’s a really big difference between being “In Love” versus our being committed (and able) to Loving
one another unconditionally and without expectations. And for our commitments to truly last, I’ve also found that Forgiveness will play a HUGE role.  

Still, when either partner in a relationship decides that it’s over (unless
the breakup is mutual), it’s often quite easy for one partner to remind
the other, “We had a commitment – we made vows to each other.”
Honestly, I tried using that “Statement of Judgment” and it didn’t
work at all. If anything, it resulted in creating even more animosity and a greater emotional distance. People who are hurting don’t need to be challenged about vows and obligations – they need to be Loved, unconditionally. Truly, I've wished I could have known what I've been learning over the past few years, prior to the breakup of my marriage.
But, perhaps I needed to go through that difficult and painful experience just so that I could come to the place of really WANTING to LEARN how to do things differently – especially in a committed relationship.

Unfortunately, as time goes on, the “for better or worse” vows which
so many of us have shared with each other can often seem to disappear. Now the strange thing about reciting those words, for those of us who are “Believers” so to speak, is that those particular words are nowhere to be found in the Bible. So if God’s Word is Eternal, which I believe it is, it’s really no particular wonder to me that the “words of man” often don’t last. Promises and vows, just like a “ring,” are simply no guarantee for having a committed, lasting, healthy and happy relationship with another person.

Pastor and author Andy Stanley recently did a 4-part video series called “Staying in Love.” I encourage you to consider taking the time to view the short videos by clicking on this link: http://yourmove.is/watch/staying-in-love/

Here are a few quotes from Andy's series:

-  Promises and Vows (Commitments) don’t make us capable or able,
   they just make us accountable.

-  When you become accountable for something you’re not capable
   of doing, you become miserable.

-  Just because we make a promise to someone, doesn’t mean
   we have the ability to “pull it off.”

-  When you commit to something you can’t do, the Promise is worthless.

-  Without our individual willingness to look at our past and change
   [often, Healing is necessary - rbd], it’s likely that our future will be
   a mere reflection of our past.

When people are disappointed or hurt over an ongoing period of time in which there’s no healthy conflict resolution, the continuing “heartbreak” can eventually have a “last straw.” In my experience with a 17-year marriage, the “last straw” didn't seem to be all that devastating (at least
to me) at the time of the actual breakup. But, that’s why it’s referred to
as a “straw” – straws aren’t all that heavy until they’re the “last one” which breaks the proverbial “camels back.” Eventually, without reconciling the painful relational events that occur and being able to relieve the ongoing burdens of an unhealthy relationship (and the wounded hearts that are involved), it just gets to be too much for one or both partners.

I feel that a truly committed relationship is NOT a “one-time event” based upon some heartfelt words that are shared between two people during a special ceremony. It’s really something that has to be WORKED AT and re-committed to on a daily basis. And very much like the concept of “Soul-Mates,” I've come to truly believe something I recently read by psychologist John Grey, Ph.D: “You don’t just meet a “Soul-Mate”
and live happily ever after, like the myth that we would all prefer
to believe says. Instead, I’ve observed that real world Soul-Mates BECOME that – by growing together in certain ways and working through challenges successfully.” And let’s be honest – who HASN’T felt “challenged” in their committed relationship at one time or another, or perhaps even over and over?  

To have a truly “Healthy Committed Relationship” with another person requires something more than just words and promises. Ideally, it requires an “Agreement of Two Hearts.” Now there’s something in the Word of God which I have come to personally believe and experience in my own life. And that is, “Can two walk together, unless they have agreed to do so?” (Amos 3:3). The bottom-line is when two people are no longer
“in agreement” over “whatever,” the supposedly committed relationship is going to be difficult, if not eventually impossible. So, perhaps we need to take a look at a larger component of committed relationships – and that’s in the area of “Healthy Communication.”

Healthy Communication –
It’s HOW we SAY it. . . and HOW WELL we LISTEN

As my older, wise brother told me during the break-up of our marriage, “BOTH of you need to be willing to LEARN a ‘whole new style of communicating’ with one another, if there’s going to be any hope
of a reconciliation and restoration of your broken relationship.”
And truly. . . he was right. It wasn’t just me or just her – it was BOTH of us. “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” (James 1:19)

Quite often, what we say and what another person actually “hears” can really be two very different things. And to make our committed relationships even more difficult, if there are unresolved issues (unhealed hurts) that we’re carrying within us, which we haven’t been able (or willing) to deal with, then our ability to speak and/or listen to our partners in a healthy way will be negatively affected – even if those unresolved issues were from other relationships in our past.

Part of the growing problems in my failed committed relationship stemmed from the fact that neither of us we’re really all that capable of expressing
or sharing our feelings in a “Healthy Way.” For many of us, we’ve learned these unhealthy styles of communication by the examples we were given during our childhood. Many of us grew up in households which had a “No-Talk Rule.” That is, rather than observing our parents working through differences and challenging relational issues in a “Healthy Way,” we saw them respond harshly to one another, disengage, or perhaps even just “play nice.” The heartfelt issues simply weren’t addressed and seemed to disappear. Truly, I think we all know better?

This month, I’ll be sharing the introduction to an article on Healthy Communication referred to as “Imago Dialogue.” I’ve divided the article into three parts (Parts 2 & 3 to follow) to eliminate the need for one long reading. I’m hoping you’ll take the time to read the articles and think
about (even consider practicing) what is shared. Here’s to “going back
to school” so we can hopefully learn some “Healthy Stuff” about developing Committed, Lasting, Healthy and Happy Relationships.

R Butch David