Back when I
was in high school, I had a science teacher who was really quite a “Wise Guy.”
Some of us who didn’t know any better thought he was really funny. But in
truth, despite his knowledge of science and his ability to teach the subject,
he was really one sarcastic guy. Perhaps, in some ways, the subject of science
wasn’t all that he was teaching. . .
Throughout
the
one hour class, the teacher would often make sarcastic remarks. At a
given moment, it could have been any one of us that he’d wind up picking
on. Unfortunately, the rest of us would often laugh. And just in case a
student was openly offended by one of his remarks, he’d cover up his
hurtful comment up with “Oh, I was just
kidding! Come on now, don’t be so sensitive (while laughing). Besides, I only pick on
people I like – so, I guess I’ll have to quit picking on you.” I’ve come to experience that people who hurt
others with sarcasm often defend
their hurtful remarks, toward the victim, through their own denial or by invalidating another's feelings – and that tends to hurt even more.
their hurtful remarks, toward the victim, through their own denial or by invalidating another's feelings – and that tends to hurt even more.
In my own
life, I was always smaller in size than a lot of my peers – at least until I
was in my late teens. Over time, part of my defense in being picked on by
others. . . was in my words. When people hurt me physically or verbally, I
would often retaliate by making cutting remarks or purposely hurtful comments. It was my way of “getting back at them.” In my own immature (wounded) thinking at the time, “All’s fair in love and war,”
isn't that right?
Unfortunately, I carried that same attitude with me for a good part of my life. Eventually, I came to realize that sarcasm wasn’t funny and by no means was it Truly Loving. I had hurt a lot of people with my careless words through sarcasm – even those that I supposedly cared about and loved. In my own wounded and rationalizing defense, I would somehow try to convince myself, and others, that I was merely giving them “attention.” And, that I was somehow showing them that “I cared about them” with
my thoughtless words. But honestly, I’ve come to learn there are far better ways to show someone that you care about them – other than the use of sarcasm.
isn't that right?
Unfortunately, I carried that same attitude with me for a good part of my life. Eventually, I came to realize that sarcasm wasn’t funny and by no means was it Truly Loving. I had hurt a lot of people with my careless words through sarcasm – even those that I supposedly cared about and loved. In my own wounded and rationalizing defense, I would somehow try to convince myself, and others, that I was merely giving them “attention.” And, that I was somehow showing them that “I cared about them” with
my thoughtless words. But honestly, I’ve come to learn there are far better ways to show someone that you care about them – other than the use of sarcasm.
Now, it
seemed that the “I only pick on people I like” statement really stuck with me
for a long time. Perhaps it got stuck in one of the “broken places in my
heart.” Truly, that’s not a defense on my part. Rather, I’ve come to learn and
accept that we often wind up treating others the way we truly feel about
ourselves deep inside – even in the hurtful ways that others have treated us.
You see, people use to pick on me verbally quite a bit. And, I guess that “a
hurt” is often a lot like the common cold – once we get it, it’s easy to pass it on. In
time, I came to discover How Sarcasm Destroys Relationships.
Fortunately,
God allowed me to come to a place in my own Healing Journey in which I seldom, if ever,
use sarcasm in my conversation with others anymore. But before I got
there, I was allowed to experience how badly sarcasm hurts – all over again.
And honestly, it hurts real badly. Still, there’s been an occasion where I’ve
caught myself making a joke (sarcastic comment) to someone only to realize soon
after, that I hurt them. By Grace, they were the kind of friends who would
quickly “call me on my stuff.” And, I’ve learned to be sensitive enough to
acknowledge their hurt feelings and even more so. . . to apologize. Humor is great, but when our humor is at another person’s expense – well, it’s
just not funny and it hurts. I’ve been learning to be a bit more sensitive,
both to
the hurts that I’ve encountered and to others, as well.
The following article shares some insight as to why sarcasm should be eliminated in our conversations. Although the article is written about the use of sarcasm in Marriage, I feel it provides an understanding of how hurtful sarcasm can be in any relationship. I also believe that God can heal the hurts within us that cause us to be sarcastic with others. Sometimes, we need to get to the source of our own pain before we can truly learn how to Love and communicate in a healthy way.
the hurts that I’ve encountered and to others, as well.
The following article shares some insight as to why sarcasm should be eliminated in our conversations. Although the article is written about the use of sarcasm in Marriage, I feel it provides an understanding of how hurtful sarcasm can be in any relationship. I also believe that God can heal the hurts within us that cause us to be sarcastic with others. Sometimes, we need to get to the source of our own pain before we can truly learn how to Love and communicate in a healthy way.
R Butch David
Sarcasm: The Verbal Enemy at the Gate
The word sarcasm doesn't sound too pleasant. It seems to
leave a bad taste in your mouth when you say it, but even more so when you use
it. The Greek form of this word, sarkasmos, means "to tear flesh, bite
the lips in rage, sneer." And Webster's dictionary defines sarcasm as "a sharp utterance designed to cut or give pain." Wow, all of that in one small word. Yet, from experience, we know that the emotional impact of sarcasm is far from small.
the lips in rage, sneer." And Webster's dictionary defines sarcasm as "a sharp utterance designed to cut or give pain." Wow, all of that in one small word. Yet, from experience, we know that the emotional impact of sarcasm is far from small.
Sarcasm to Divide and Conquer
Sarcasm is one of the
most harmful verbal tactics used against a spouse. It destroys communication
and unity in marriage. One of
the oldest military strategies is to divide and conquer. Our enemy, Satan, still uses that tactic to destroy families. Satan first seeks to separate you and your spouse emotionally. Then he moves in and seeks to separate you and your spouse physically. When this occurs, he is in the perfect position to conquer your marriage. In the midst of conflict, the enemy begins outside the gate of your marriage, cunningly tempting you and
your spouse to wage war through verbal attacks. And sarcasm often is Satan's weapon of choice. We've all used comments like, "Whatever"
or "Oh yeah, I forgot. You're perfect." And the list goes on. The following acrostic will help you understand why sarcastic remarks are so damaging to marriages. As you read, prayerfully consider how sarcasm shows up
in your relationship with your spouse.
the oldest military strategies is to divide and conquer. Our enemy, Satan, still uses that tactic to destroy families. Satan first seeks to separate you and your spouse emotionally. Then he moves in and seeks to separate you and your spouse physically. When this occurs, he is in the perfect position to conquer your marriage. In the midst of conflict, the enemy begins outside the gate of your marriage, cunningly tempting you and
your spouse to wage war through verbal attacks. And sarcasm often is Satan's weapon of choice. We've all used comments like, "Whatever"
or "Oh yeah, I forgot. You're perfect." And the list goes on. The following acrostic will help you understand why sarcastic remarks are so damaging to marriages. As you read, prayerfully consider how sarcasm shows up
in your relationship with your spouse.
Sarcasm Stings
Sarcasm is much like a
bee sting. When a
bee stings, the direct hit
of poison causes immediate pain and inflammation. Sarcasm does the same thing. Sometimes, we use sarcasm to voice harsh words we otherwise would not say, often intentionally hurting others. Once the pain is inflicted, however, we retreat, saying, "Oh, I was just kidding." But
the sting of our words hurts so much that those we have injured withdraw. Our words don't feel like jokes at all. Jesus' words should be
a warning to those of us who are tempted to use sarcasm as a weapon: "But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken." (Matt 12:36).
of poison causes immediate pain and inflammation. Sarcasm does the same thing. Sometimes, we use sarcasm to voice harsh words we otherwise would not say, often intentionally hurting others. Once the pain is inflicted, however, we retreat, saying, "Oh, I was just kidding." But
the sting of our words hurts so much that those we have injured withdraw. Our words don't feel like jokes at all. Jesus' words should be
a warning to those of us who are tempted to use sarcasm as a weapon: "But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken." (Matt 12:36).
Sarcasm Aggravates
Do you want to make an
already bad situation even worse? Then use sarcasm. Sarcasm
will aggravate rather than improve any situation. Just as a child continues to scratch
an insect bite, further irritating the area and causing infection, the use of
sarcasm can take a small disagreement and turn it into a verbal war with
emotional casualties. In Paul's letter to Titus, he said we are to live "self-controlled, upright and godly lives" (Titus 2:12). Sarcasm is not evidence of a
self-controlled or godly life.
Sarcasm for Retaliation
Often the motivation
for sarcasm is retaliation: "You hurt me, so
I'll hurt you." When this occurs, the conflict usually escalates to a game of verbal one-upmanship. The enemy wants you to recall every single argument or unkind word your spouse has ever spoken. In response, your words often drip with sarcasm as you exhume and relive past hurts and pains again and again. In Luke 6:37, Jesus admonished His followers to "forgive, and you will be forgiven." Forgiveness means letting go of past hurts rather than holding on to them and attacking your spouse with reminders of them.
I'll hurt you." When this occurs, the conflict usually escalates to a game of verbal one-upmanship. The enemy wants you to recall every single argument or unkind word your spouse has ever spoken. In response, your words often drip with sarcasm as you exhume and relive past hurts and pains again and again. In Luke 6:37, Jesus admonished His followers to "forgive, and you will be forgiven." Forgiveness means letting go of past hurts rather than holding on to them and attacking your spouse with reminders of them.
Sarcasm for Control
Sarcasm can be used to
control a conversation. The more sarcastic
a person becomes, the more control he or she has over the conversation. The other party will often yield territory or end the conversation just to escape the verbal darts. Jesus said that "Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." (Matt 12:34). What are your words saying about your heart?
a person becomes, the more control he or she has over the conversation. The other party will often yield territory or end the conversation just to escape the verbal darts. Jesus said that "Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." (Matt 12:34). What are your words saying about your heart?
Sarcasm Alienates
Sarcasm alienates and
often humiliates the other person. Some people seem to think if they can get the first verbal
shot in during a disagreement, their spouses will retreat. In the process of
trying to
protect themselves with sarcasm, they damage their partners in ways
that are often irreparable. James 1:19 reminds believers that we should
be "quick to listen" and "slow to speak." Instead of trying to get
the first verbal shot in, listen to your spouse and really seek to understand his or her point of view.
protect themselves with sarcasm, they damage their partners in ways
that are often irreparable. James 1:19 reminds believers that we should
be "quick to listen" and "slow to speak." Instead of trying to get
the first verbal shot in, listen to your spouse and really seek to understand his or her point of view.
Sarcasm Shames
Sarcastic remarks
usually seem like no big deal to the person
who makes them. But to the recipient, those words make lasting impressions that scar to the very core of the heart. Many times, sarcasm shames a person, causing them to feel belittled and unworthy. When shame takes root in the heart, it can cause disastrous behavior, because the person now feels worthless and seeks desperately to find anything that will make them feel otherwise. Shaming a partner or spouse is a serious offense with serious consequences. Jesus said, "By your words you will be justified, and by your words you will
be condemned." (Matt 12:37).
who makes them. But to the recipient, those words make lasting impressions that scar to the very core of the heart. Many times, sarcasm shames a person, causing them to feel belittled and unworthy. When shame takes root in the heart, it can cause disastrous behavior, because the person now feels worthless and seeks desperately to find anything that will make them feel otherwise. Shaming a partner or spouse is a serious offense with serious consequences. Jesus said, "By your words you will be justified, and by your words you will
be condemned." (Matt 12:37).
Sarcasm Manipulates
Often,
self-centeredness motivates a person to use sarcasm.
A person seeking to have their own needs for approval, affirmation, and value met by a spouse may use sarcasm to convey that those needs are not being met to his satisfaction. In contrast, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." (Philippians 2:3-4) It is foolish to think sarcasm is going to draw your spouse to you. Sarcasm destroys intimacy, but putting your spouse's needs first is a sure way to
build intimacy.
A person seeking to have their own needs for approval, affirmation, and value met by a spouse may use sarcasm to convey that those needs are not being met to his satisfaction. In contrast, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." (Philippians 2:3-4) It is foolish to think sarcasm is going to draw your spouse to you. Sarcasm destroys intimacy, but putting your spouse's needs first is a sure way to
build intimacy.
Lay It Down
If we know the enemy uses sarcasm to tear down marriages,
then what can we do about it? We need to lay down the weapons of our enemy and
pick up the weapon God has given us through His Word. Colossians
3:12-17 provides the perfect answer:
"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and
dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness
and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have
against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these
virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the
peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were
called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as
you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms,
hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever
you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus,
giving thanks to God the Father through him."
The apostle Paul made it very clear that we are to put on
the Heart of Christ. This involves a daily dying to self – putting off self to
make room
for putting on Christ. He calls us to forgive one another. If you have used sarcasm in your relationship, you need to ask your partner's forgiveness. Then, seek the love of Christ as your sole motivation and focus, so you and your spouse can live in perfect unity. The love of Christ is the glue that bonds Christians together perfectly. And the peace of God is what should control us. Are your words controlled by
a desire to seek peace and unity, or are they driven by your fleshly desire to sting, aggravate, retaliate, control, alienate, shame, and manipulate through sarcasm?
for putting on Christ. He calls us to forgive one another. If you have used sarcasm in your relationship, you need to ask your partner's forgiveness. Then, seek the love of Christ as your sole motivation and focus, so you and your spouse can live in perfect unity. The love of Christ is the glue that bonds Christians together perfectly. And the peace of God is what should control us. Are your words controlled by
a desire to seek peace and unity, or are they driven by your fleshly desire to sting, aggravate, retaliate, control, alienate, shame, and manipulate through sarcasm?
The enemy is camping out at the gate of your marriage. He is
lurking about, seeking to find that one open crevice where he can enter. If he
has been entering in and camping out in your home through the use of sarcasm, it is time to cast this verbal enemy out and lock the gate behind him. Die to yourself; fill your heart and mind with the words of Christ – and allow His love, peace, and compassion to be the source of every word that proceeds from your mouth.
*www.stainedglassministry.com/
Lastly, here's a music video reminder about our need for healthy and positive communication in all of our relationships. And if not, well then. . . "One Thing Leads to Another."
has been entering in and camping out in your home through the use of sarcasm, it is time to cast this verbal enemy out and lock the gate behind him. Die to yourself; fill your heart and mind with the words of Christ – and allow His love, peace, and compassion to be the source of every word that proceeds from your mouth.
*www.stainedglassministry.com/
Lastly, here's a music video reminder about our need for healthy and positive communication in all of our relationships. And if not, well then. . . "One Thing Leads to Another."
No comments:
Post a Comment