Healthy & Healing Relationships

It's an Agreement of the Hearts

(An Article by Copan & David) 
 
A friend and I were talking the other day about relationships – in particular, Healthy and Healing Relationships. While thinking about past relationships in my life, I recall that some of those weren’t all that healthy to begin with. Other relationships became less healthy over time. One thing for sure –
all relationships can benefit from some healing, both as they develop and surely, long before they ever might come to an end. Our conversation continued and the subject of reconciliation also arose. What does that word really mean in a relationship? Is there a “healthy and healing” part that needs to be included? Perhaps instead of asking the question about whether or not two people want to reconcile, the better question would be, “Do you want (desire) to have a healthy relationship with this person, and what is that going to involve?”  When asked, the answer to that question would most likely reveal the condition and attitude of one’s heart toward another person. 

I’ve been told, and I agree, that true reconciliation is a Heart-Matter. 
It’s about “An agreement of the hearts (of both people) as it relates to 
the ‘issues’ that caused the two people to become estranged in the first place.” Those issues are caused by: 1) the hurts that each person carried into the relationship from their own past, 2) the hurts that two people have put on each other, and 3) the hurts caused by others outside of that personal relationship that still have an impact upon those two people, individually or collectively. It sounds like a 3-Strikes and You're Out Formula for disaster.Yet, I sincerely believe that healthy relationships are possible, but not without each person involved being willing to do the work. More often than not, that work needs to be done within ourselves, first. 

Our individual hurts can often lead us down a path where we want to
blame someone else for a failing, unhappy or miserable relationship. But often, it's our own individual hurts, that is, the unhealed wounds and pain we carry in our own hearts, which is responsible for the lack of true Joy (the unhappiness we feel) in our lives. Yet, instead of seeking the healing for our own wounds, we often look past ourselves and instead, look for someone else as a source to provide the wholeness and happiness we lack. It's kind of like being diagnosed with a cancer and then asking the doctor if he has a large enough band-aid to fix it. Some wounds simply won't heal without surgery. 

I remember thinking, “I have issues with you and problems with our relationship.” Yet, as my healing journey progressed, I found that wasn’t the primary case at all. Surely, relationships will have issues and hurts that exist within and between two people. There’s no denying that. But,
I came to understand that, “I had issues within my own heart – things (hurts) that needed to be addressed and healed within myself.” I found that the issues and problems really weren't so much between me and the other person; they were about me, first. In time, all of us might come to that same understanding. Everyone who was ever born has, at one time or another, experienced a broken heart – that is, an emotional wounding to their soul. Some people have experienced that kind of wounding many, many times throughout their life. And as a result – Hurt People, hurt people (HPx2). I've found that a broken heart simply doesn't lend itself well to loving people unconditionally, nor does a broken leg lend itself to running very well. 

Our History Plays a Part. . .

Another thing that makes it difficult to have a healthy relationship 
is the history. The history of our current relationships can often provide, what seems to be, an insurmountable obstacle. In new relationships there literally is no history. The history gets written as the relationship develops. But unfortunately, everyone is bringing their own baggage (past hurts and unresolved issues) of personal history into every new relationship they have. And, that history includes all of the unhealed hurts from previous relationships in our lives that were never dealt with. Then, it’s really only a matter of time. One person says or does something that presses on “a previously unhealed hurt” and BOOM – it hurts all over again, if not even worse. Now the current relationship is affected, as well, from a past hurt. The real problem is that those wounds have been festering for a long time. They were never dealt with and healed – they were just pushed down or forgotten about. 

The history of two people can have some good things, too. They involve the sharing of positive things like quality time, intimacy, understanding, promises, hopes, dreams, plans and accomplishments – all that were given with the best of intentions, even in love. Often, as the history of a relationship develops, it can cause the good things to diminish and walls to go up. Walls goes up when unhealed and unresolved hurts come into that current relationship – even causing and allowing the “sun going down on our anger" (wounds), over and over. Those hurts can be from the current relationship, previous relationships and experiences, or both. Hurts cause walls to go up between two hearts that are supposed to be one. Walls are barriers to communication – they keep things in and they keep things out. Without open and healthy communication, conflict resolution and healing, there will truly be no relationship. 

The wall that goes up between two people will often be made of hardened stone. The stones used in that wall come from the wounds we receive 
and will be supported by a mortar (glue) which has ingredients (feelings) like anger, resentment, disappointment, bitterness, pain, hatred, fear, suspicion, despair, disgust, mistrust, unhappiness and sometimes even hopelessness. I am sure there are other negative feelings, as well. Those feelings often develop as a result of the hurt and pain which we carry in our hearts, because of the wounds we've received in our relationships. Walls are an indication of a hardened heart. And, it's a hardened heart that comes from a broken, wounded heart. Soft (healing) hearts don't break – they're pliable and they bend. 

The hurts we take on in our relationships have a history attached to them, along with the negative and unloving feelings that develop as a result. Left unchecked, unaccounted for, unresolved and unhealed, the trauma and infection from those hurts and wounds will be devastating, even to a relationship that started out with a “whole lotta love,” like most of our relationships do. The hurts we place upon others often aren’t intentional, but they still happen and we hurt others, just the same. And, as I think we’ve all experienced, it can hurt real badly. So, I've learned that the history of hurts within our relationships needs to be healed, as well.

A Healing Solution 

I've come to realize there is something else desperately needed to have Healthy and Healing Relationships – that is Forgiveness. I've learned that without forgiveness, the way Christ forgives us, we have no capacity to truly Love. Yet, we need to feel that forgiveness within and for ourselves, first, before we can even begin to forgive others. I know I had to. I've come to learn we simply can't give to others what we don't feel, or have, within ourselves. So maybe, the first relationship I need to work on is between myself and Someone who has the absolute Authority to Forgive and Heal.

Without my having a truly intimate relationship with Christ, I’ve come
to experience that most of my relationships would fail, sooner or later. I feel that’s part of what is meant when He says, “Without Me, you can do nothing.” I found that I really needed to start focusing on my own personal relationship with Him. I realized that I need to depend upon Him, rather than someone else, for my sense of wholeness and well-being. I've also realized that the main reason I didn't have many healthy relationships with people, is because my heart had been broken from all of the hurts I had taken on in my life. The healing of my wounded heart, which I badly needed, had to come from Someone who has the Power to Heal. It had 
to come from a Higher Place. 

Christ came to tear down walls, as the curtain in the Temple was torn.
He came to bridge the gap (brokenness) between each of us and God,
and also each other. He alone can "fill in the gaps," and even heal all of the broken places within our hearts. No escape, in any form, will do it (Heal us) – Time won’t do it. Keeping ourselves busy won’t do it.
A successful career, fame, fortune and money won't do it. Alcohol, drugs, sex or some other passion won't do it. Religion won't do it. New relationships and running away won't do it. And, our own minds definitely can't do it. It really is a "Heart-Matter." Christ is the Chief Surgeon who wants to heal our broken hearts – literally, and in reality, "He came to HEAL the brokenhearted." (Luke 4:18)* He also wants to heal our broken and wounded relationships. After all, if we're going to spend Eternity together, then maybe our desire should be in asking Him to heal these broken relationships while we're still here. It would be great practice for getting along later on, don't you think? 

A friend of mine seldom, if ever, uses the word "sin." He almost always refers to "sin" as "hurts." When I asked why he said, “That’s easy – because sin HURTS, doesn’t it?” Yes, it surely does – it hurts the person who carries it and the person it is placed upon. In effect, both the offended and the offender will suffer. I truly wish that people would be willing to ask (and answer) that better question: “Do you want to have
a Healthy and Healing Relationship with this person?”  

I believe that healthy relationships can happen and are definitely possible, even despite the history of hurts that are involved. An “Agreement of the Hearts” is where two people must first meet, in Christ. He alone is the provider of Healing and Peace within ourselves and in our relationships with others. Another friend shared that the “Unequally Yoked” part in the Bible is not just about whether or not both people are Believers. It’s about whether they have the same “Spirit of Agreement” with each other – that is, within and between their hearts. Perhaps the question of “Do you want to get well?” or in effect, “Do you want to be healthy?” not only pertains to the individual, but to our relationships with others also. 

*Luke 4:18  "The Spirit of the LORD is upon Me, Because He has anointed Me to preach the Gospel (Good News) to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty (freedom) to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty (free) those who are oppressed."

Making 'Love' a Verb. . .

It’s Really About Love in Action 

Sharing some thoughts from Andy Stanley on “Staying in Love”

I'm sure many of you have seen the movie, When Harry Met Sally, starring Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan. Until recently, I’d only seen parts
of the rather well-known comedy. It’s about two people who develop a relationship over several years. In their case, it took over ten years. During that time, each of them had other relationships which struggled and failed – some sooner, rather than later. As their own relationship grows, they share their past experiences and what they learned in the process. They openly talk about physical attraction, personality and compatibility issues, likes and dislikes, personal desires, shattered dreams, feelings and yes, even love. Their open communication, as friends without expectations, was one of the greatest strengths in the positive and healthy development of their own relationship. But most of life isn’t like the “movies”. . . or is it?

Despite our initial attraction to another person, it would seem that a heartfelt lasting relationship truly does develop over time. And regardless of the vows we’ve made, time will indeed test our hearts in the matter. I do believe what God says (asks), "Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?" (Amos 3:3) I’ve come to accept that “agreement” most certainly must involve Unconditional Love and Heartfelt Forgiveness, as Jesus taught. And, perhaps it also involves a willingness, desire and ability to continue to "dance” long after the music stops playing. Unfortunately as time goes on, our happiness with our partners can fade, as can our desire to keep on “dancing.” Quoting from the movie The Scent of a Woman, “Well, if you get all tangled up – just Tango on.” The question is: Did anyone ever teach us “how to tango” in the first place? Perhaps, a more appropriate question is: “Who taught us how to Love?”  Hmmm? 

Recently, Andy Stanley (son of Charles Stanley) did a video series called Staying in Love.* He made the point that all of us need to learn about “MakIng ‘Love’ a Verb.” That is to say, Love truly needs to take a position of action in our relationships IF they're going to endure. In effect, It’s Really About Love in Action. He also mentioned that verse from Proverbs 4:23 – “Above all else, PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR HEART, for EVERYTHING YOU DO comes from it.”

Following, are some of Andy Stanley’s personal thoughts on the matter: 

“Your ability to Stay in Love has as much to do with the condition of your heart, as it does with the behavior of your partner or spouse. . . The key to staying in love is not finding the right person. It's finding someone who is committed to becoming the right person while you work to become the right person. It's finding someone who is not afraid to put you first while you overcome your fear of putting him
or her first – It's about “Making Love a Verb” . . . To stay in love you have to choose to love each other the way that Christ loved us. In other words, you have to choose to treat the person you love as
the most important person in the world to you. . .  You have to be willing to put them first.

So, perhaps our relationships are like going on a trip, or even a rather long vacation. And, who doesn’t go on a trip or vacation without taking along some baggage. Unfortunately, but in reality, all of us are bringing baggage with us into every new relationship we have. As Andy stated, if we’ve been hurt (which all of us have been) and our hearts are wounded (broken), unhealed, perhaps hard and unforgiving (of those who have hurt us in our past), then those are the very things that will come from our hearts, eventually, in every relationship we’re in. Although the pain from our past unhealed hurts can be hidden for a while, especially in new relationships, the growing infection from our past hurts eventually comes to the surface – regardless of who we're with. It often seems that “Falling in Love” is easy and it would appear that "Falling OUT of Love" is, as well. Maybe the old saying that “Time will tell” really isn’t that far off from the truth. Staying in Love. . . well, I’ve found that’s going to take a little more than what I have to offer, on my own. It has to come from a Higher Place – even from the Heart and Mind of Christ.

Now most of us are familiar with 1Corinthians 13 – The Love Chapter. We’ve heard those verses preached in our churches and perhaps we’ve even recited them ourselves during our wedding vows. Maybe if we could
personalize and expand those verses into verb-oriented actions, they would go something like this. . .

Love means. . . I WILL be patient with you.

Love means. . . I WILL be kind to you.

Love means. . . I WILL NOT envy you.

Love means. . . I WILL NOT boast about myself to you.

Love means. . . I WILL NOT be proud (of who I think I am).

Love means. . . I WILL NOT be rude to you.

Love means. . . I WILL NOT be selfish in seeking my own ways.

Love means. . . I WILL NOT be easily angered at you.

Love means. . . I WILL NOT keep a record of wrongs
                        (even when you fail to live up to my expectations).

Love means. . . I WILL NOT delight in your downfalls
                        or shortcomings.

Love means. . . I WILL rejoice with the Truth
                        (because the Truth is – God IS Love).

Love means. . . I WILL protect you and guard our relationship.

Love means. . . I WILL always Trust in you and God’s plan
                        for our lives.

Love means. . . I WILL always Hope the best about you
                        and will not assume the worst.

Love means. . . I WILL always persevere with you and help
                        bear your burdens, just as Christ does for me.

Love means. . . Although I'm not perfect, my Love for you will
                        NEVER FAIL and I WILL NOT let the sun go down
                        on my anger or yours, when I’m aware of it.

Christ's Healing of our past hurts, in our willingness to “forgive from the heart,” plays a huge role in the transformation of our lives, and in our ability to have healthy and healing relationships with others. Christ’s Transformation isn’t about us returning to who we were or even "being all we can be.” It’s really about being transformed (made new) into who God intends for us to be. Truly, it’s in being transformed into His Likeness that we become able to Love with the Forgiving Heart of Jesus. 

Unfortunately, it often appears that in any given relationship, without Christ’s Transformation taking place in our individual hearts, the person we are in the end is likely to be the same person we were in the beginning – if not even worse. The “Good News” is, God isn’t done with any of us, just yet. He stands at the door of each of our hearts – knocking. In quoting some lyrics from a song by Paul McCartney:

Someone’s knocking at the door –
Somebody’s ringing the bell. . .

Do me a favor – open the door,
and let ‘em (Him) in.”

And Jesus says, to each of us, a couple of things. . . "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me." (The Book of Revelations 3:20), and "Abide (live) in Me, and I in you. . . If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you.” (The Book of John Chapter 15).

Perhaps we could all consider praying, “Lord, this is my greatest desire: Heal my broken and wounded heart, and transform (change) me. Teach me how to Love, the way You Love me – unconditionally.”

I believe that "Staying in Love" is quite possible and that it is attainable.
Here's a video which I hope that many of us may still desire to relate to:

And although our expectations of others may often fall short, Love (truly) Never Fails. Maybe, each of us needs to go to Christ to have Him show us exactly how that plays out in our personal relationships. I feel it’s only in truly knowing Christ – in our living with Him and allowing Him to live with us, that we’ll be able to follow His command which says, "These things
I command you, that you love one another.” (John 15:17)

Let’s ALL open the door to our hearts and invite in “The Christ who came to Heal the brokenhearted.” As we do, the future of our healthy, healing and lasting relationships is truly the prize.

R Butch David

* To view Andy Stanley’s 4-part video series called “Staying in Love,”
   just click on the following links (below) and then click on the
  "Play Arrow" on the page.

Staying in Love, Ep1 – Love Is a Verb
Is it possible for two people to fall in love and actually stay there?

 

Staying in Love, Ep2 – Re-Modeling
Falling in love comes naturally. Staying in love requires a plan.

Staying in Love, Ep3 – Feelin’ It
(What EACH PARTNER is bringing with them - a MUST SEE!)
Why do we really fall out of love?

Staying in Love, Ep4 – Multiple Choice Marriage
Relationships will grow or fade depending on what you choose.

 

The Real Reason Why People Blame God

Making Changes for the Better

An Article by David Truman 

People are often mystified when they look at the reality of the world we live in, and try to reconcile that with a good and loving God. We frequently face difficulties of all kinds, big and small; personal as well as global tragedies. Seeing this, we can't help but ask, "How can this be? How can a loving God have created this? There is something missing from this picture. It doesn't add up!" That's true. There is a piece missing from our equation.

There IS something that we are refusing to look at, which would reconcile these contradictions in our minds and heal our discomfiture with God. We need to understand what that is, because that missing piece is causing a breakdown of affinity between mankind and God, and making us miserable.

This article is to help you find the missing piece, and by doing so, heal your relationship with God, and empower you to have a better life.

The Truth No One Wants to Know – and Why

The truth is not hidden; it's not cryptic; it's not far away. It's HERE. Anybody who is willing to be implicated by the truth can easily discover it. But friends, there is no higher truth that does not implicate the hearer of it. If we saw the truth about God, we'd see the truth about ourselves too, and what's wrong about the way we live and think. That truth would hold us responsible for living much more beautifully than we tend to do.

We don't want to know the truth that we are enormously powerful, creative children of the Creator; that we are always connected to God and all; and that we are truly very sensitive, loving, and good. In God's words: "If you knew who you were, and you were acting like yourself [that is, who God INTENDS you to be - rbd], you would naturally be responsible for everyone. You would naturally feel love for everyone. You would naturally reach out, and help, and heal."

In our current, ego-identified level of consciousness, most of us can hardly face our ordinary human responsibilities, let alone the ultimate responsibility of living as the Godly creatures we truly are.

Furthermore, we don't want to face the IMPLICATIONS of how uncomfortable we REALLY ARE with our ego-driven lifestyle; how much better we actually KNOW than what our behavior suggests; how much it pains us to be selfish; and how many problems it really causes. We're attached to our self-centered ideas, desires, and ways of doing things.

It is said, "Know the truth, and the truth will set you free." But, if the price of freedom is to give up our egotistical habits and false ideas -- which it IS -- WE DON'T WANT the truth that sets us free. We're like a man who's married to an ill-tempered wife. She's making his life a living nightmare, but he's attached to her. He's got a problem: He wants to keep his wife, but if he does, she will continue to make his life miserable. The same could be said for egotism. It causes us all kinds of problems, but we're attached to it.

Therefore, we feel we can't AFFORD to know the truth about God. We don't want the RESPONSIBILITY of knowing. Now we're getting to the heart of the matter: we don't want to be responsible.

God is a Victim of Our War Against Responsibility

Isn't it obvious that, all around the world, countless people avoid personal responsibility, or minimize it? When things go wrong, we tend to point the finger of blame at everybody ELSE -- and especially at God. We may admit that human beings are responsible to a degree; but usually that means OTHER human beings, rather than, say, oneself.

Unfortunately, when we reject personal responsibility, we also reject the truth about God. Can we be honest? Our war against responsibility is war on God, war on our fellow man. We attack those we blame with negative judgments -- "God is mean, and other people are mean" -- and we hold them hostage in our minds. For example, if I think my mate is responsible for my feelings of depression, then I resent my mate, or anxiously try to change my mate; or at least, I'll sit with folded arms, waiting for my mate to change.

Inevitably, in our war against responsibility, God's reputation takes a beating. When bad things happen, we think that God is either wrongly doing them, or wrongly allowing them to be done. We resent God for the sorry state of the world we see. So we ask accusatory questions like these:

Why does God let all these bad things happen?

Why doesn't God make people do the right thing?

Why does God allow people to suffer?

Why won't God let me succeed at this or that?

Why is God always testing me?

All those questions assume that God has huge responsibility for the troubles of the world -- as well as huge responsibility for our own difficulties.

So you see, the human penchant for blame -- that is, the desire to displace responsibility -- has a major effect on our view of God. Where the relationship to God is concerned, it is crucial to admit that negative views of God result directly from our reluctance to take responsibility for difficulties we and other humans create. As long as it exists, that pattern will always foster an unfavorable view of God. To improve our view of God we must upgrade our willingness to take responsibility.

The World We Create

How much better EVERYTHING would be if we would start taking more responsibility! Because, if the truth be told, most of the events and circumstances in our life are generated by what WE think and do.

Granted, some of the trouble that befalls us is caused by other people, out of their will and actions, but generally the overall impact of others' actions on our lives is greatly exaggerated. Even when others say or do things that are hurtful, often we are largely responsible for HOW MUCH those things hurt us. MOST of the negative impact of others' actions results not from the actions themselves, but from the way WE interpret and respond to those actions. For example, somebody makes a thoughtless and offensive remark, and then we spend days hurting ourselves by harboring resentment. Let it go! Honestly, each of us has a MUCH larger share in the creation of our own suffering than we prefer to admit.

The world we see is the world we are creating around ourselves. That world includes not just the lifestyle that we live, but also the people surrounding us, and the way they relate to us. One man works hard to be reliable, and has the happy experience of being trusted, while another earns distrust, and suffers THAT unpleasant experience. A reactive person evokes negative reactions in others; then there are two reactive people -- or a roomful. Conditions deteriorate instantly. . . Mayhem!

Look around at what man hath wrought:

A bar fight breaks out. Did God create it?

A couple argues. Did God create that argument?

A world leader decides to wage war. Did God create that war?

Clearly, God is not creating those things -- PEOPLE are! And yet, people suffering those experiences will cry, "God, why did You make such a miserable, horrible world?" Poor God! And, poor blaming, irresponsible, disempowered humanity! If people would take responsibility, we'd create differently. Otherwise, we will continue to create the 'cruel world' in which we live.

We seem to have a blind spot that prevents us from seeing the relationship between what we do and what "happens to" us. Could it be that we're covering our eyes with our own hands? For example: A person steals at work, gets caught and sent to jail. The thief complains, "The world is a cruel place -- it jails people." But a wise voice replies, "The world jails THIEVES. You went to jail because you were stealing. You don't do the time if you don't do the crime." If we would admit that, we could get off blame, and onto a MUCH better life.

It's hard to admit we're creating a cruel world. Consequently, we're quick to defend against that realization, saying, "How could I have created THIS? This is NOT the world I want to see!" Wisdom would reply, "True! This is not the world you want to see; but this is the world that reflects who you are WILLING to be." If you are willing to start a fight, the next thing you know, you have a fight on your hands. If you're willing to steal, you may get caught. Since that is not a world you want to SEE, those are ways you'd better not BE.

Dividing up the "Why Pie"

"The love you take is equal to the love you make."

"We make our bed and we lie in it."

Those expressions remind us that we are the creators of what happens in our lives. To understand and accept that principle is to take responsibility -- which is EXACTLY what the ego wants to avoid. So, to make matters worse, we make our bed and we lie ABOUT it (that is, we deny or overlook the fact that we ourselves made it).

As long as we keep ourselves in the dark about our own responsibility for the world we live in, we won't be motivated to create differently. People often concern themselves almost obsessively with the behavior of others, constantly asking, "Why do people do this and that; and why does God do this and that?" Rarely do people ask, "What am I doing -- and why am I doing it?" Evidently, people do want to know "why," but not if it means they have to eat their share of the "why pie" -- that is, assume their rightful share of the responsibility.

Oftentimes, the "why pie" is humble pie; that's why so many of us show an aversion to eating it. We think we're better off NOT being responsible. But, if we give the lion's share of the responsibility to God and others, we count ourselves out of the world we see, for all practical purposes. We deny or underestimate our role in the creation of that world. So, once we get the WHY -- that is, the responsibility -- wrongly allocated, nothing makes sense any more. And, nothing works. Displaced responsibility means confusion and delusion, powerlessness and suffering.

We would be wise to develop a taste for why pie. It's good for us -- really! Any displaced responsibility robs us of a portion of our actual power and control. And in our minds, it makes God and everybody else responsible for our well-being and happiness. Then, when we find ourselves to be miserable -- because it's impossible for God or anyone else to make us happy if we don't do our part -- we feel like victims. We complain that God victimized us, or everybody else victimized us. But the fact is, we have victimized ourselves. We've defaulted from our own, rightful, God-given responsibility.

Friends, that's how God, among others, got in the doghouse. And until we take true responsibility, that's where they're going to stay. They have to, because we keep putting them back there, every time something goes wrong. It's up to us to let them free.

Wake Up at the Wheel

Just as spouses sit in counseling waiting for one another to change, people sit waiting for God to become less mean; or to stop allowing bad things to happen -- or to make sure more good things happen. But, in fact, we -- the people waiting for God -- hold the steering wheel. And if we are looking to God, or to others, when we should be watching the road, we steer ourselves into a ditch with our own hands.

God can't do anything about the fact that human beings are creating so much pain. We're doing it with our own free will. We've got to wake up at the wheel. We've got to pay attention to what's really happening. We've got to see how WE'RE creating the pain we suffer. We've got to take control ... and responsibility.

It is wise to control your whys, and tragic NOT to do so. Don't say, "They made me feel this way, or act this way." That's blame. Instead, take responsibility! Simply and honestly say, "I have capitulated to culture. I have capitulated to my husband. I have caved in to expectations. I did that. That's my responsibility. I have displaced my why to my mate, to common culture, etc., instead of authentically sourcing my own existence. I need to take my power back; and the only way I can do that is by being who I am, and taking responsibility for what I do."

Then take responsibility! Admit and correct your mistakes; but more than that, start creating BEAUTIFULLY. And do it all in a joyful, loving, Godly way -- as is fitting for a child of God -- not in a reactive, fiercely independent way, as a martyr or a bitter victim would do. (That would still be blaming and harvest all of blame's bad results.) If we would embrace our responsibility in a good spirit, we'd find nothing left to blame God for -- and MUCH to be thankful for.

God-Seeking is Fruitless without Responsibility

This world is full of seekers who would like to see God, but too often, their motivations are related to blame. "I'm glad I finally got to meet You, God, because I've got some grievances ...." Or, "I'm glad I finally got to meet You, God, because I've got a few problems I'm hoping You can fix for me." Relying on God's help is not necessarily a form of blame -- in fact, it is appropriate to depend rightly on God. But dependence on God reflects blame if we put all the responsibility for fixing our problems on God, and take too little responsibility ourselves.

It's a given, in the world of ego, that people hate taking responsibility, or being accountable for their lives. But until we stop displacing our problems on God, how CAN we rightly understand God? We can't. How can we succeed in loving, knowing, understanding God, when we are constantly putting God in the doghouse by blaming God for the results of OUR choices.

Only if we will stop blaming God can we SEE the beauty of God, and the beauty of ourselves. Our world will not be beautiful until we take responsibility for being beautiful -- as we ARE, as God made us. When we stop blaming God, and start living as we ARE, we will finally see heaven on earth, where heaven really already IS.

God is waiting for each and every one of us to take responsibility, so that our relationship with God can be fulfilled, and so that WE can be fulfilled. So, stop being an irresponsible person looking for a scapegoat. Stop making yourself miserable that way. Get back to responsibility. Back to power. Back to control. Only then can you know the truth about yourself. And others. And God.

This is the truth: God is love. God loves you. And God only wants to help you see a better world -- the world GOD created. . . And, it doesn’t get any more “personally relational” between you and God, than that.

http://www.soulprogress.com/html/ArticlesFolder/Articles/RealReason.shtml

Big Boys (& Girls) Don't Cry -

But, Have YOU Cried Lately? 

Okay, maybe you'll start thinking, “Hmmm, where’s he going with this one?” Well, bear with me as we go down a small rabbit trail, or perhaps on a short fishing trip – it's really about "The Journey," not the destination. 

Now truly, I’ve just never been into fishing. But, I’ve heard it’s really quite a wonderful sport. I’ve also seen the metaphorical significance from the Bible when Jesus said to a couple of fishermen, "Come, follow me and I will make you fishers of men." (Matt 4:19)  And as it is, one of my favorite movies is the Robert Redford film from 1992, A River Runs Through It. Yes indeed, perhaps God wants all of us to learn how to be “fine fishermen and fisherwomen.” And chances are if we accept that, then it’s likely that we’ll get wet – sooner or later. 

However, maybe in some ways I am just a little familiar with fishing – because I’ve certainly encountered a few “whoppers” in my lifetime. Stuff like, “I’m okay and you’re okay” and then the proverbial, “Big Boys
(& Girls) Don’t Cry.” In all honesty, I feel there is nothing further from the truth than those self-deceiving and self-defeating statements (mantras). Unfortunately and sadly, I’ve also known many people who actually believe those things. Maybe those people are also into fishing? Yeah, as some experienced fishermen will say, “Well, sometimes when you catch
a ‘whopper’, you just have to let it go and throw it back in.” And perhaps when you do that, you might just “shed a tear.” The truth is that none of us are okay and that's why God sent His Son. God also gave us tears for a reason – just like laughter, tears can help us Heal. 

Here are some lyrics from a song called, Is it Okay? 

Is it okay to doubt, is it okay to fear?

Is it okay to lose someone who’s very dear?

And is it okay to cry, only if no one’s there?

Tell me, is it okay to dream – is it okay? 

For me personally, the date was October 11, 1974 at approximately 6:20 a.m. I awoke to a loud uncontrollable scream coming from outside of my bedroom. I quickly jumped out of bed thinking, “Oh no, my mom cut herself while making breakfast.” As I swung the bedroom door open, I looked down the hall and saw my mom standing there with clenched fists by her mouth and great fear in her eyes – my dad was dead. He was just 55-years old and as it turned out, he died unexpectedly in his sleep. At the time, I was just sixteen. . . 

I cried a little, off and on, when no one was watching for nearly a week while the funeral was coming to pass. The day before the funeral, I quit crying. I felt like it was time to be "a man" and be strong for my mom and other family members. After that, it turned out that I never really cried again for a very, very long time. And, it wasn’t that painful things weren’t happening in my life. Painful things happen to all of us. For me, it was more like I just made a conscious decision NOT to cry – anymore.
I just wasn’t going to go there again because “Big boys don’t cry.”
Boy, OH BOY – Was I ever wrong about that! 

As it turned out, the next time I really cried was nearly thirty-four years later. And, I did so in front of a man whom I was just introduced to by a life-long friend, a few hours earlier. Now to this day, I really can’t explain WHY I was willing to share my deepest heartaches with that man. Maybe it was, indeed, the right time. But maybe more so, it was “the look in
his eyes” as I talked with him. For some reason, and I feel by Grace,
I just sensed that I could trust him and that he actually cared. 

There were moments while I shared the heartaches of my story that
he looked as if HE was going to cry. I must admit that in my ignorance, there were times I was thinking, “Maybe you should just stop – maybe this guy just ‘can’t handle it’.” But as I continued to share my current personal life tragedies with him, I began to sense a feeling of sincere compassion from him toward me. As he continued to listen, he rarely spoke a word – and he never took his eyes off of me. When I was done,
I recall him saying to me, “You know I get the sense you’re carrying around a lot pain in your heart from unhealed hurts in your past –
I might be able to help you with that. . . if you like?” 

Later in a near-empty coffee house that same morning, our conversation continued. As we sat together the man asked me, “What’s the earliest hurt you can remember in your life?” My response was, “Oh, that’s
an easy one. . .”  He asked, “Would you be willing to go there, right now – would you like to get Christ’s Healing for that?” I said, “Sure,
I guess so.”  And then I recall saying, “Man – THIS is gonna hurt!” 

As we faced each other, sitting knee-to-knee, he gently held my hands. After he prayed a short intercessory prayer, I started to share the story of my “first heartfelt wounding” as a three year old child. . .

As it turned out, I cried uncontrollably for nearly 3-1/2 hours. Some time later, my new friend (who is physically a much “Bigger Boy” than I am) said, “It felt like you were going to break my hands.” I guess the pain from just that one hurt, which I had repressed for nearly forty-seven years (which was finally being acknowledged), was just that painfully great. 

Later, after I got cleaned up in the restroom, my new friend asked, “How are you feeling?” My response was, “I feel like I just went ten-rounds with Mike Tyson.” He said, "Yeah, I know what that feels like." Then he asked me, “Are you feeling anything else?”  I paused for a moment and then said, “Yeah, it’s really weird – I feel like I’m about to float up in the air like a butterfly.” Now with a huge smile on his face, Daniel said to me, “Kinda cool, isn’t it?”  And then, I too began to (really) smile. . . maybe for the first time in nearly twenty years.

Now at that moment, I really didn’t know just “how cool” it was – or just how cool (freeing) this Healing Journey in Christ was going to be for me. In some ways, it seemed like the most painful experience I ever had. I guess “surgery” often is. But at the same time, I felt like it was also the most PAIN RELIEVING experience I’ve ever had, as well. My friend Sam, who introduced me to Daniel, described my experience as “Spiritual Heart Surgery with the Chief Surgeon, Himself (Jesus Christ).” And, this was just the first of many Spiritual Healing Sessions (surgeries) that
I would (willingly) encounter on my Healing Journey through Christ’s Transformation of my broken heart. 

Usually, tears are an indication that we’ve been hurt. And tears will often accompany our having surgery. Indeed, sometimes surgery is necessary for True Healing to occur, whether it’s for physical, emotional or spiritual wounds. But sometimes, we’re just not ready for surgery until the pain gets bad enough. For me, after living for nearly fifty years, I guess (by Grace and Mercy) my time had come. To quote Ken Unger, “That’s why the first exercise we use at our Spiritual Healing Retreat helps people reconnect with long forgotten pains and deficiencies from their parents. Hardly anyone finishes that exercise without lots of tears.”  *

I’ve come to accept what author John Eldredge also confirms, “It’s God’s intention to allow us to be hurt in the same place as our original wounds – so that we'll (hopefully) bring Christ into that past hurt to
get it healed.” It seems that God is both willing and able to stir our hidden memories and feelings through people, places, circumstances, events or even the smallest of things. And as the saying goes, “If you're willing to feel it, Christ can (and will) Heal it.” 

In my experience, I've also come to believe that Heartfelt Forgiveness
is the most significant factor in God's Healing of our past unhealed hurts. Over time, I’ve actually been learning how to trust Christ with everything He brings to my attention, especially when it comes to my feelings and past memories. It's part of His Transformational Healing Process that I’ve come to embrace. 

"Go back and tell Hezekiah, the leader of my people,
'This is what the LORD, the God of your father David, says:
     I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you. . ." (2Kings 20:5) 

In reality, all of us will get hurt in this life and PAIN has no prejudice. . . not toward anyone. To quote Sylvester Stallone (from his 2006 movie, Rocky Balboa), "Let me tell you something you already know – the world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently, if you let it. . . no matter
what happens, I'm always gonna Love you."

I get the sense that God feels the same way. . . "I'm ALWAYS gonna Love you." And sometimes, that place of being "on our knees" is where we might have to go, to get the Healing that we really need. Or maybe,
it's just sitting face-to-face with someone who knows what it feels like. . .
and actually cares enough to go there, to that "painful place," with you.
Following, is a short music video from YouTube, if you feel like watching. 

 In Christ's Healing Name,

R Butch David

*  Ken R. Unger is known as America's Soul Doctor. His new book,
The Ultimate Breakthrough – Spiritual Therapy for Emotional Pain actually heals emotional pain. You can purchase the book online by clicking on this link: http://transformationincorporated.com/
 
You can learn more about the book and Ken by clicking on this link:
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyGa79NOwBY
 

 

Baggage Check - For Your Soul

What's in the Basement of Your Heart?

(Sharing an Internet Article)

During the past year or so, most airlines have changed their policies regarding “baggage.” It used to be that when you bought an airline ticket (seat), that price would include your baggage. Of course there were always limits on how much baggage you could take and what you could "carry on." But, what used to be “FREE” (?) now has an additional charge. Your BAGGAGE has a SEPARATE FEE – and it ain’t cheap.

I think the same “policy” is in effect in most of our lives and relationships.
There’s Me & You, and then there’s My & Your “Baggage.” And, our baggage carries a separate price also – individually AND relationally.
I’m talking about “the stuff that’s buried in our Hearts” – the “Carry-on Baggage” that’s with us, throughout our lives. Sometimes, the price we pay for our heartfelt baggage is minimal. Other times, the price is really MAXED OUT. And yet, it seems that we really don’t have a choice. Our baggage follows us wherever we go, and unfortunately, there’s always a price to pay.

Honestly, I’ve come to learn and experience that we DO have a choice. We have a choice to deal with our baggage, and get it “in order” – that is to clean it up and get it Healed. Or, we make the choice to just keep pushing it down into the Basement of our Heart, trying to pretend it doesn’t exist. For the majority of my life, I tended to do the latter. . .

Now I really wasn’t pretending that I didn’t have any baggage (unhealed hurts) – I knew that I did. But like many people, I just dismissed those things as if they were “in the past.” I lived the “get over it – let it go – move on and forget about it” fantasy. I even bought into the “Time heals all wounds” baloney. In my “I’m okay” mindset, I never paid attention to how much that “stuff” DID matter – until I started to get the separate “Baggage Fees.” And the price I wound up paying was costing me dearly – in terms of my own health AND in my closest personal relationships.

Emotional wounds and physical wounds are really quite similar. That is,
if you don’t “get the wound treated so it can heal,” it will only wind up getting worse due to the ensuing infection. And if infections aren’t treated, they just continue to grow and get worse, as well. What I experienced
was that until I was WILLING to start dealing with my “own stuff”
(the unresolved issues and unhealed hurts buried in my Heart), I would be carrying ALL of that STUFF with me wherever I went. And, that kind of "Baggage" is NOT discriminating. It goes with us into every relationship we have – be that family, friends, work, church, our personal time and especially. . . our intimate relationships.

Dealing with our baggage isn’t easy. It takes WORK and there is some pain involved. As the adage goes. . . "No Pain – No Gain." But in reality, I've experienced that the techniques, steps and processes for True Healing aren’t nearly as painful as continuing to carry around all of those past unhealed hurts. For me, it wasn't until my pain got bad enough – that I truly "wanted to get well." And the relational benefits and Blessings have been flowing ever since.

The saying goes like this: “If you’re willing to FEEL it – Christ can
(and will) Heal it.” In my own Healing Journey, I’ve found that to be true, and our willingness to Forgive plays a HUGE role. God knows about ALL the hurts that we carry. He knows the WHO, the WHEN and HOW BADLY we were hurt. I believe He came “to set the captives free and to Heal the brokenhearted.” The question is, “are we willing to go there” and DEAL WITH that STUFF to get it Healed?

I’d encourage you to consider reading the following article I found on the internet. And maybe, when the time is right, consider talking to someone whom you feel you can trust. Pray about it and ask for help, and I believe you’ll find it. There are people who care and who can help us in our Healing Journeys. But truly. . . “God is the One who Heals” – not us.

R Butch David

Recovered Memories Helped Me Heal

(An Article by BlueCascade)

Up until several years ago, I had no memory prior to the age of eight. I didn't wonder about it much. I knew I had a bad childhood, endured sexual abuse from my father, a friend's dad, and my grandfather (mom's dad). After a series of events, I felt I really needed to get therapy for the sexual abuse I endured. I was in my mid-30s. 

After I started therapy, I became more depressed and started having
panic attacks. There were times I wanted to hide under a bed or in a closet. The fear was paralyzing and didn't seem to be connected to the abuse I remembered. I thought I was going crazy. I started hearing, feeling and seeing things. Sometimes, at night while I was asleep, I had horrifying nightmares that left me unable to move when I woke up.

I am lucky that I had a gifted therapist who recognized my symptoms – "trigger" and "dissociate". My abuse started in earliest childhood.
I don't like to mention age, because I get responses that range from doubt, to some people saying that there is no way I could remember things from when I was that young. . . but I do.

Trauma memory is not like the regular kind of memories. Some people believe in the help from a Higher Power. They were taken away when the abuse occurred. Some believe it is a coping mechanism in the brain: dissociation. In my experience, I believe it was a combination of both. 

I was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, (DID) and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, (PTSD). DID is also referred to as Multiple Personality Disorder, but in my case, I was atypical. I joked with my therapist that I didn't even do mental illness right.

I had parts. The most severe abuse was locked into parts of my brain that I learned to recognize, as myself, at different ages. There is the baby, the 2 year old, the 3 year old, the 5 year old, and the 8 year old. I also have a 21 year old, and parts that stored some of the worst things. They were called, Shame, Impulse, and Body sensations. They were all parts of
me, and I recognized them as such, even though, at times it was excruciatingly painful to do so.

When I would go into a dissociative state, I would experience the abuse like I was there again. I would see, hear, feel, and taste, just as I do when I am present. But this was a nightmare world of torture and abuse. I had more perpetrators: an aunt, my dad's brothers, and a church friend of my dad's that swapped daughters with him. I had always told myself that I was lucky. My abuse wasn't as bad as some.

At least in my life, before these things surfaced, the "worst" didn't happen. But the worst did happen, and more. I didn't want to know all this. I didn't want to accept it. I wished I was crazy, I wished I was dead. My therapist would remind me that I had already gone through these things at a very young age, and I had survived it.

This process was about Healing. It was about taking the pain and suffering from the baby, and all the others. It was about assimilation of these parts and bringing myself together.  When I look back on those days, I wonder how I survived it. The thing that was always on my mind was that I wanted to be happy one day. I wanted to feel joy, and as long as my parts were separate, that would never happen. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through.

It takes courage so strong that I didn't think I could find it. Think about the child I was, the baby, the 2 year old, etc. – I was able to survive thanks to Divine Intervention and the amazing mechanism that allows children to dissociate.

I have felt happiness, I have felt joy. If I didn't commit to my healing journey, I don't think I ever would have felt those things. To those of you with repressed memories, get help. Find it, it is out there. 

In order to heal you have to remember, but you don't have to remember everything. You have to bring yourself together, you have to accept things no person should have to accept, but you can get through it. When you do, life starts to look good. For me, life looked good for the first time in 40 years. What has been fun is I can enjoy things. I experience things, like a child does, at times. I'm filled with wonder and awe. Sometimes I feel a little foolish when I feel, and act, like a kid. But I figure I deserve it. I didn't get the opportunity when I was a child, and I am trying to make the most of that now.

http://healingsisters.org/bluecascade/recovered-memories-helped-me-heal