Understanding Poor Communication

10 Reasons You Can’t Say How You Feel

(Sharing an Article by John M. Grohol, Psy.D.)

Here at 1HeartMatters, our primary focus is to help others develop and maintain Healthy & Healing Relationships through our sharing of insightful articles from various sources and authors. Many of the articles we post have come to our attention through our own personal life experiences and trials that we’ve had the opportunity, and Blessing, to encounter. But sometimes, to be able to see trials as “Blessings” is just a deeper part
of the Journey. And in reality, each of us needs to be willing to "go there and look at our own stuff."

Still, when we encounter difficulties in relationships, it's often easy to see those situations as “problems or obstacles.” But in my own Journey, I’ve come to have a different viewpoint. By Grace, I’ve been learning how to view those things as “opportunities” – to learn about myself, about my partner and, ideally, as an opportunity to learn how to Love others Unconditionally, and how to Forgive from the Heart.

Now honestly in my own relationships, I guess I could say things like,
“I SHOULD have done (or said) this,” or perhaps even, “I SHOULD NOT have done (or said) that.” But the reality is. . . I did or maybe didn’t do the “right thing” and now look at the consequences. And, that’s just part of accepting the reality of life. But also from an emotional and Healing perspective, it’s just not healthy for us to do that (“shoulding”)
to others or to ourselves. Just ask anyone who’s ever participated in an
AA Program.  

Ideally, with the help of a few friends, I’ve also been learning how to turn the “Shoulds and Should Not’s” into. . . WISHES. When we’re able to say “I wish. . .” then there’s always Hope. And if we’re able to learn from our past mistakes, then perhaps those mistakes were exactly what we needed to go through – to get to a better place.  And that doesn’t make those past mistakes “right.” Just, perhaps, necessary in securing our “desire to get well.”

My Hope is that by sharing much of the information that we do, that we can actually help to improve some of our personal relationships – before it’s too late. Paying attention to our own hearts, as well as the hearts of our partners, can help secure Healthy & Healing Relationships for all of us. And ideally, “I’ve wished” I had known some of these things earlier in my life. But that’s okay – because there’s always Hope for the future. And, in God I Trust. . .

R Butch David

10 Reasons You Can’t Say How You Feel
(By John M. Grohol, Psy.D.)

Not everyone finds expressing their feelings easy or having it come naturally. While the stereotype is that men have the hardest time expressing their emotions, everyone at one time or another in their life may find it difficult to say how they feel.

Learning why you have trouble expressing your feelings can go a long way into changing that behavior. Saying how you feel is something you can learn how to do, just as readily as you can learn how to fix a faucet or mend a button on a shirt. Here are ten common reasons why people find it difficult to express their emotions to someone else:

1. Conflict Phobia

You are afraid of angry feelings or conflicts with people. You may
believe that people with good relationships should not engage in verbal “fights” or intense arguments. In addition, you may believe that disclosing your thoughts and feelings to those you care about would result in
their rejection of you. This is sometimes referred to as the “ostrich phenomenon” – burying your head in the sand instead of
addressing relationship problems.

2. Emotional Perfectionism

You believe that you should not have feelings such as anger, jealousy, depression, or anxiety. You think you should always be rational and in control of your emotions. You are afraid of being exposed as weak and vulnerable. You believe that people will belittle or reject you if they know how you really feel.

3. Fear of Disapproval and Rejection

You are so terrified by rejection and ending up alone that you would rather swallow your feelings and put up with some abuse than take the chance of making anyone mad at you. You feel an excessive need to please people and to meet what you perceive to be their expectations. You are afraid that people would not like you if you expressed your thoughts
and feelings.

4. Passive-Aggressive Behavior

You pout and hold your hurt or angry feelings inside instead of
disclosing what you feel. You give others the silent treatment,
which is inappropriate, and a common strategy to elicit feelings
of guilt (on their part).

5. Hopelessness

You are convinced that your relationship cannot improve no matter what you do. You may feel that you have already tried everything and nothing works. You may believe that your spouse (or partner) is just too stubborn and insensitive to be able to change. These positions represent a self-fulfilling prophecy – once you give up, an established position of hopelessness supports your predicted outcome.

6. Low Self-Esteem

You believe that you are not entitled to express your feelings or to ask others for what you want. You think you should always please other people and meet their expectations.

7. Spontaneity

You believe that you have the right to say what you think and feel when you are upset. (Generally, feelings are best expressed during a
calm and structured or semi-structured exchange.) Structuring your communication does not result in a perception that you are “faking” or attempting to inappropriately manipulate others.

8. Mind Reading

You believe that others should know how you feel and what you need (although you have not disclosed what you need). The position that individuals close to you can “divine” what you need provides an excuse
to engage in non-disclosure, and thereafter, to feel resentful because people do not appear to care about your needs.

9. Martyrdom

You are afraid to admit that you are angry, hurt, or resentful because you do not want to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing that her or his behavior is unacceptable. Taking pride in controlling your emotions and experiencing hurt or resentment does not support clear and functional communication.

10. Need to Solve Problems

When you have a conflict with an individual (i.e., your needs are not being met), avoiding the associated issues is not a functional solution. Disclosing your feelings and being willing to listen to the other person, without judgment, is constructive.

www. psychcentral.com/lib/2009/10-reasons-you-cant-say-how-you-feel/

Emotional Abandonment in Relationships

How to Avoid the “Shut-Out”

(By Dr. Dave Currie and Glen Hoos)

It’s a complaint I hear quite regularly from people looking for help for their marriages – “I feel distant from my spouse.” “I try to get my husband to open up, but instead he just shuts down.” “My wife just doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. I feel like we’re a million miles apart.” “I don’t know if I love him (her) anymore.”

What we’re talking about here is emotional abandonment. Instead
of physically leaving the relationship, your spouse simply checks out emotionally. They stop investing in the marriage, leaving their mate feeling detached and unwanted. To the outside world the situation can still look rosy, but in reality the relationship is dying a slow, quiet death.

How does a marriage reach this point? Sometimes it’s a slow slide into complacency, and other times it’s a little more sudden. Realize that
if it’s a sudden abandonment, there likely is some precipitating event or incident between the two of you that needs to be resolved. On the other hand, if the deterioration has been more gradual, there are probably a lot
of little things that have gone unresolved and are taking their toll on the relationship.

Here are some of the specific, primary causes of emotional distance between mates:

1.       Unforgiveness. Emotional abandonment is unforgiveness taken to
its extreme conclusion. When we feel that our spouse has hurt
us and we refuse to forgive them, we look for ways to protect ourselves from being hurt again in the future. Closing off our heart from the other person is an easy way to do this, but it has deadly consequences. Unforgiveness always leads to isolation. Overcoming unforgiveness requires a willingness to humble ourselves and seek forgiveness when we have hurt our spouse. It also requires that we be willing to graciously extend forgiveness when our spouse has hurt us. This forgiveness step is based on a desire to re-unite.

2.       Callous Treatment. When I am careless in how I treat my spouse,
it gets old really quickly. Whether it’s being discourteous, or unkindness, or something worse, it creates a hurt that may start out small, but can grow into deep wounds as it festers over time. To avoid this, each partner needs to look at their own behavior regularly and consider whether they are treating their spouse well.
A mate, above all people, needs to be treated with gentleness and respect. Remember, your spouse is a gift to you, and they deserve to be treated as something precious.

3.       Lack of Effort. Sometimes the problem is a little less obvious than unforgiveness or harsh treatment. It is easy, especially for men, to
just assume that the relationship is going along just fine, and so we don’t put in as much effort as we once did. We start to take our spouse for granted, leading them to think that they are not important in our lives. When the marriage slips from being one of the top priorities in the heart of one or both spouses, the other person feels abandoned. This causes them to feel unwanted and then to withdraw into their own world.

4.       Lack of Time. Many of us simply try to pack too much into a day. Ruled by the urgent, we fail to make time for the truly important: things like romancing, talking about issues and really developing
a friendship with our spouse. We stay constantly busy, erasing “quality couple times” from our schedules. A marriage relationship cannot thrive if our contact with one another is limited to a quick bite of supper or a brief chat before bed. A good marriage requires weekly face-to-face time – both talk and fun.

5.       Fear of Talking through Issues. Emotional detachment does not just happen out of the blue; there is always something behind it. If one or both of the spouses has an inability or fear of talking through the issues in their relationship, then this kind of disconnect will be the likely result. Usually both know there is something wrong, but they are hesitant to bring it up because they fear their spouse’s reaction. Or perhaps they feel like they’ve been through this before and it hasn’t helped, so why bother? In these cases, there needs to be a clear second look at what it means to resolve conflict in a marriage – how to have a “good fight,” as it were, that really bring things to resolution. Without these skills, and a real courage to step up and deal with problems, the emotional distance will just continue to grow.

6.       Living in Denial. A lot of times, when things have started to go
a bit sideways in the relationship, we don’t want to admit that it’s happening. Often the person truly needing to make some significant changes is most content to deny the existence
of any real issues. We kind of live in denial, as if it’s not really happening, or it’s not that bad, or things will get better in time. But living in denial doesn’t fix things; it only causes the marriage
to deteriorate to the point where the couple just does not feel close anymore.

Working Through Emotional Distance

The first step to dealing with emotional abandonment is to identify the root cause and to begin to deal with it. Don’t settle for living in isolation. Ask God for more in your marriage and then trust Him as you faithfully try to make changes. Here are some suggestions for re-establishing a loving connection with your spouse:

1.       Agree to Talk – At some point you have to agree to talk about the problems that exist between you. If you’re going to resolve issues, there needs to be a mutual commitment to listen to the other person’s concerns and to work towards improving the situation. Don’t corner your spouse with an unexpected lecture, but set a time and agree to start to work through your issues.

2.       Be Prepared – Before you have the talk, take the time separately
to think through the unresolved issues that you’ll be discussing.
What are your concerns in the relationship? In what areas do you feel you need to improve? What are your expectations of your spouse?
To put your thoughts down on paper may be best, but either way, be prepared to be open and honest with each other about the real issues between you. Be sure to take the time to really listen to what your spouse is saying. Give each other uninterrupted time to share your view on things.

3.       Be Direct but Gentle – Neither of you has anything to gain by holding back your true feelings. Remember that unresolved issues lie at the heart of emotional detachment. So lay all your cards out on the table by sharing your hurts clearly. Don’t allow things to get out of hand. Be committed to talk through things sensibly. Take breaks to cool it if necessary, but agree to continue. Ask each other the tough questions, and talk through the difficult issues that have been eating away at your relationship. Regardless of which partner initiated the wrong, you both need [to be willing - rbd] to work at resolving the problem.

4.       Begin to Meet Unmet Needs – Often a person pulls back from the relationship because, in their mind, their needs are not being met.
A healthy marriage demands that both partners actively work
to discern the needs of their spouse, and work to meet those needs. Seek to understand your spouse’s needs and ask yourself how you can start to better express love by meeting these needs. Make your spouse and sorting things out your new priority.

5.       DEAL WITH YOUR OWN STUFF – If I am feeling abandoned by my spouse, I need to ask myself a tough question: What have I done to drive my spouse away? Now it may not be only your responsibility. Nevertheless, you have to find out what you are responsible
for and take ownership for your actions. Really listen to your spouse. Of course, there are things that your mate needs to deal with, and they may be withdrawing from you for selfish reasons, but that can’t stop you from taking the steps that you know you need to take. Both parties must be prepared to make apologies and extend forgiveness as part of your recovery from the emotional detachment.

6.       Intentionally Re-Engage – If you are to re-establish your emotional connection, it won’t happen by accident and it won’t happen overnight. You need to agree to make your relationship a priority and spend some quality time together. Plan a few dates and put each other in your schedules. It’s time to re-enter one another’s lives again.

7.       Act Kindly – This may not be a revolutionary new idea, but it can have that kind of an effect on your marriage. You must act kindly toward your spouse. Small gestures of warmth, acts of kindness, and efforts to rekindle the romance between you will go a long way toward renewing your bond with one another. Do this from the heart with real commitment to make the necessary changes.

8.       Love Unconditionally – Somebody has to break out of the negative cycle of eye-for an eye, poor treatment for poor treatment. You need
to step out of the insult-for-insult cycle and respond differently. You cannot control your spouse’s behavior, but you can control your own. Regardless of how your spouse responds, you must choose to treat them with love. This is not easy to do when your partner is not reciprocating, but it is what you vowed to do when you promised to love each other “for better or for worse.” And nothing breaks down emotional barriers like unconditional love.

9.       Allow God to Work – I’m going to challenge you to ask God to change you. God wants your best and He’ll always be ready to take full responsibility for any life that is totally surrendered to Him. That also includes re-engaging with your spouse and getting attached in love again. God wants that and He will guide you in that, if you’ll allow Him to.

We all [each of us, individually - rbd] have issues we need to
work through in our relationships. Whether your problems stem from bitterness, unforgiveness, dishonesty, lack of kindness, unfaithfulness, or something else, God offers you His power to enable you to live in a way that honors Him. There’s no doubt in my mind that God wants your marriage to work and that you desire to have warmth and a close connection with your spouse. That’s His design. Let’s go after it.

www.powertochange.com/experience/sex-love/disengagedspouse/

P.S. Ideally, as we come to develop and exercise these principles in our relationships, it might be a good idea to consider "giving each other a break." Compassion, Understanding, Love and Forgiveness can go a long way, and after all, like the song says. . .
I hope you enjoy the short Music Video - R Butch David

Relationship Questions We Often Have

Healthy Communication – Imago Dialogue (Part-2)

A Summary of the Need for Imago Dialogue:

–    Falling in love is amazing – we feel complete and whole.

–    After a while we often feel frustrated with our partner and have
painful disagreements.

–    The pain is particularly acute because the frustrations with our partner usually remind us of some painful childhood experiences.

–    It often doesn’t make sense to us why our partner gets upset so much over the things we argue about. We may even imagine they are just doing it to hurt us.

–    The Imago dialogue is a process which makes it easier to understand our partner, without feeling threatened or under attack ourselves. And for them to understand us in the same way.

–    When we do understand that our partner’s experience is so different from ours, they make sense! Then we find it easier to meet their needs. And they find it easier to meet ours!

­–    With our new understanding, we can learn to stretch a little more to provide what our partner needs.

–    Imago provides a whole set of relationship fitness exercises to guide us through the process.

Why is my Partner so Annoying at Times?

We fall in love with someone, and imagine that now at last life will be full of peace, joy, companionship and hope. But after a while we often become aware that our partner seems to stand in the way of us achieving our own dreams of peace and fulfillment.

We become angry with our partner, because we feel they aren’t able to provide what we expected of them, when we fell in love. And now we are committed to them – we can’t get those things from someone else either! They stand between us, and the life we dreamed of. And, that can make us very angry and frustrated.

Why Doesn’t my Partner Love me a Little Better?

In our dreams, maybe we imagine the perfect partner to be the one who we fall in love with, and it carries on that way for ever. They understand
us so well, they are there for us when we need them, saying the right words, providing the right support that we need. Perhaps in our dreams
we don’t have those big arguments, or disappointments. It really is “happily ever after!”

Why couldn’t we find that perfect partner? Maybe we secretly wish that our partner was a little bit quieter, or noisier. We wish they were more generous, or better with money! We wish they liked sex more, or left us alone occasionally.

There’s a reason why we fall in love with the partner who doesn’t seem quite able to match our dreams. We see in them an ability to love us,
in a way that we learned from people who loved us in our earliest years.
We recognize that kind of ability to love in the partner we choose.

But however strongly we were loved, there was always a little bit of love
we didn’t get. And it turns out that this partner we choose isn’t very good at providing that bit of love either, just like those who loved us when we were children.

That bit of love we didn’t get as children often goes back to some painful memories from childhood. When our partner can’t love us that way either, it touches some tender spots [unhealed hurts - rbd] inside, and can bring out some of our deepest fears that we may have tried for years to hide away.

How can I Make Things in my Relationship Better?

We seem to always choose a partner who isn’t very good at meeting some of our needs in life, even though there was something about them that caused us to fall head-over-heals in love with them.

Wouldn’t it help if our partner really understood what is going on in our world. Maybe then they would stretch a little bit more towards us, and provide those needs. Maybe they would spend a little more time with us, or leave us alone a little more – or whatever it is that is important to our happiness.

Some of the most important issues may seem small, but are actually loaded with emotions. They emerge time and time again at the very heart of all the big arguments we have. How can we talk about them in a way that doesn’t trigger yet another big argument? The first step towards a better relationship is to have a calm and effective way to talk about these big issues.

The Imago Dialogue is a way to have a deep and rewarding conversation, that helps you and your partner really understand
the issues that seem to recur in the heat of conflict.

How can we Talk about Difficult Things? It Often Leads to an Argument.

Do you ever find yourself getting a little tense before a “serious talk?”
Is your partner once again going to tell you what you do wrong, and what you need to do right! What do they expect you to do? Maybe you will get angry and deny it all, and who can blame you! Or maybe you will sit through it feeling wretched and miserable, wondering how you can have been so unkind and uncaring. It’s very hard to hear what your partner needs without some kind of reaction!

The Imago Dialogue is a way to have those difficult conversations while feeling strong and loving for your partner’s sake. You can trust a process that is safe, respectful, caring, and very interesting!

Imagine that you can take a holiday from being you for a moment. You
can walk across a bridge to sit for a while in the land of your partner, as a welcome and valued guest. There, without judgment, you can learn about what it is to be them, what they need, and how you can help them, just by listening, and sharing their experience. And then they can do the same for you. It’s fascinating, to be able to learn so much about the person you love most in the world!

One thing many of us learn when we do this, is how different our partner really is from us! The things they did never made sense before we really listened. They may have just seemed a little selfish, or irresponsible, or uncaring. But now when we really listen to them speak, we realize that to them, it all makes perfect sense in a way that is amazing! Our partner isn’t like us at all – how interesting. The Dialogue can become
a huge voyage of discovery.

Things don’t ever Really Change in a Relationship,
do they?

After a while we get to know our partners very well. It can get to seem
like nothing is ever really going to change. We enjoy the good moments, and put up with the bad. Maybe if there are too many bad ones, we are wondering if it will be time to leave soon, unless something changes
pretty fast.

There are things you can do to create change. Most of them need to be done by you and your partner together. They are simple, but can be very powerful. To learn more, follow the link below.

1.       You can learn more about your partners through Imago Dialogue
and learn to see why everything they do makes sense from their
point of view.

2.       You and your partner can use Imago Dialogue to share some of the things that you have always feared. These often are the things that lie behind those big arguments. Just understanding them can create a huge transformation.

3.       You can decide to simply leave behind things which are destructive
for a relationship, like all shame, blame and criticism of each other.

4.       You can introduce some new habits, like each day finding a moment to share an appreciation with each other.

5.       You can learn to stretch a little, now you understand more what your partner wants. This may be just the thing to help you feel better about yourself too!

http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/articles/imago_dialogue.html

3-Things Needed for Relationships to Work

Healthy Communication – Imago Dialogue (Part-3)

Why Dialogue?

Dialogue can help you to keep relationships fresh and dynamic, and to
get beneath conflict to rediscover a deeper connection. If I try to resolve conflict in my relationship without creating a true connection with my partner, I may just be patching things up until the next big fight comes along, or even reinforcing the problem. Imago shows that most conflicts that have a painful “charge” are only 10% about the present situation and 90% about some past wound that is causing pain now. Imagine if you could truly heal old wounds. Your partner is the
ideal person to help you do just that!

Dialogue vs. Discussion

Often when I am listening to my partner, I might also be planning how to respond. I may be fervently figuring out how to show them that they are wrong, or how to defend myself from things they say that I don’t want to hear. My reply would contain carefully chosen words which show just how much I am “in the right”, and are designed so I don’t have to hear
any more.

What I have described is not really a discussion between me and my partner. It’s what the philosopher Martin Buber called an “I - It” relationship. I'm not dealing with their reality – I’m working hard to give them a fake shiny version of me.

When we try to solve conflict in an “I - It” discussion, we may get a solution which works for a while. But it is unlikely to be the best solution for us both long-term, and leaves the true underlying reasons for conflict unresolved.

Dialogue helps people cut through their natural defenses to create a more genuine connection, which Buber called “I - You.” When we are both honestly and openly involved in exploring issues, we can discover the real source of pain. Listening and talking about this in a loving, safe space can open up within ourselves amazing potential for an improved relationship.

When my partner and I fell in love, we had a sense of destiny drawing us together. It felt like there was a path together which was greater than the course of our separate lives. Dialogue enables us to unfold that path, and experience the love we dreamed of. 

“Your Partner is Another Person – Get it!”

There are many ways in which dialogue can enrich our lives:

•     We can make better decisions, because we can share together
      a full understanding of what we both need. 

•     It’s a lot more fun and passionate. I get to continue discovering
      the amazing other person who loves me.

•     It can be a wonderful path of discovery, not just of my partner,
      but about me. Often I find that our partner’s thinks better of me,
      than I do of myself.

Imago Dialogue Starts with Safety

If I am going to meet others in an authentic way, and lower my protective shell, I need to feel safe. The structure of the Imago Dialogue provides safety. The first rule is to banish all shame, blame and criticism. That might sound tough if I am really angry at my partner for all the things they did or didn’t do. How can I tell them how much they are hurting me,
if I can’t criticize?

But, I also need to make it safe for my partner to listen to me. And that means to always talk about my own feelings, not about their actions. What does this mean to me? Why am I frustrated? What do
I feel? The key is to make it easy for my partner to remain open,
and to be available to hear.

Stop Talking, Start Connecting

Listening to my partner may be the most difficult part of the Imago Dialogue, especially if we are going to talk about a hard subject. Am I going to hear something painful? Will I want to jump out of my chair and run out? Will I want to shout and deny it?

Listening well can sometimes be a very courageous act. To be available to listen and truly hear what concerns your partner means putting aside all my spontaneous reactions to it. As the words come out, my first reaction might be to think “No – they've got it wrong – it’s not like that!” The key to creating an “I - You” relationship is to put that aside, and instead listen without judgment. I need to open myself up to hearing my partner’s reality and, by hearing that, to truly connect with them. If I deny it, then I break the connection, and start an argument.
Try it and practice.

Create Space for the Relationship

Before you start to dialogue, it’s good to create some space where your relationship can grow. You can do this in the room, by sitting on facing chairs, knees close together, with eye contact. But it’s also a good idea
to spend a few moments quietly too, and become aware of the two of
you. Let your breathing be quiet, and remind yourself to be calm, with
no shame, blame or criticism as you speak, no judgment as you listen. Something beautiful is being created between you. Martin Buber called it the “sacred space” when two people met as “I - You”.
Now you can start!

The Steps of Imago Dialogue

Imago Dialogue is a unique three step process for connection, developed by Harville Hendrix PhD and Helen LaKelly Hunt PhD. Although it looks simple, the process was formulated through extensive study of psycho-logical theories of relationship, and clinical work with couples.

The three steps are Mirroring, Validation and Empathy, and they are described in detail below. The essence of dialogue is any conversation in which people agree to listen to others without judgment, and accept their views as equally valid as their own. We have found the Imago Dialogue to be a particularly effective way to start off on your journey
to connection.

You can find directions on how to use the Imago dialogue here. What follows is a description of how to use each step. The Imago Dialogue is initiated when a partner asks for an appointment and the other partner agrees to participate.

3-Things Needed for Relationships to Work

1 – Mirroring

Using “I” language, one person sends a “message” to convey his/her thoughts, feelings, or experiences to the Receiver (“I feel. . .” “I love. . .” “I need. . .”). They should avoid shaming, blaming or criticizing their partner, and instead talk about themselves.

In response, the Receiver echoes the Sender’s message word-for-word or by paraphrasing, using a lead sentence like, “Let me see if I’ve got you. You said. . .”

Mirroring helps me to listen to what the other person is actually saying rather than listening to the reactions and responses going
on in my head while my partner is talking.

Then there’s a beautiful question the receiver can ask. “Is There More?” When I ask that question I leave a little time, to show I really mean it, and want to hear more. Often my partner might pause, “Well no. . .
er. . . let me see. . . maybe there is.” Often as they are given space and time, they will go deeper and share more with me, and that sharing can be the most fascinating part.

Keep on with it. You might be more encouraging – “Wow. Interesting.
Is there more about that?” The more I reassure my partner that I am open to what they are saying, the more I can voyage on a wonderful journey into their world, and experience connection, even if do find the subject area challenging or unfamiliar.

When my partner says “No, that’s all,” then I can try a summary.
“So, in summary I heard you say that. . .“  Then check that you got
it ALL. My partner might often say “Well you missed this little bit –
and it’s quite important to me that you hear it.”

2 – Validation

When I mirror my partner well, they will probably already be feeling that I have heard their point of view, and seen that for
them it is valid. But it’s nice to say that too.

This part of the process can be quite hard too, if my partner has a very different perspective on things from me. But to be connected, it’s important for me to recognize that what my partner says makes sense for them. Sometimes their view might be so different from mine that I am tempted to think that they must be wrong. But in dialogue, creating the connection is paramount. Who is right and who is wrong doesn’t matter. Harville Hendrix likes to say: “You can be right, or you can be married!” With this process, you might even discover that you can find a solution together where it doesn’t matter whether either of you are right or wrong over this issue, because the underlying pain is what really needs to be addressed. Precisely because you are in relationship with another person, it is healthy to be able to accept that
you hold different viewpoints.

After I have summarized my partner, I can validate them by simply saying “That makes sense to me.” I don’t have to agree with them, but show that I respect their reality. If I can, I might go on “That makes sense to me because. . .” Sometimes as I watch my partner when I see this, I can see a physical sign of relief. It’s a lovely thing to have your views
[and feelings - rbd] validated by another.

3 – Empathy

The third and final step of the Imago Dialogue is empathy. In the empathy step, I imagine what my partner might be feeling. Feelings are simple words like “Angry, Sad, Lonely, Afraid, Happy, Joyful, etc.”

I would just ask my partner “I imagine you might be feeling afraid, and perhaps a little sad too. Is that what you are feeling?” Then I check in with my partner, and if they share other feelings, then mirror them to show I heard. “Ah, a little excited too.”

Did you try that with your partner? How do you feel? Did it help you understand them a little more, and bring you closer? I hope so. It has made a huge difference in my life.

Directions for a Simple Imago Dialogue

You can begin to use the Imago Dialogue to share with your partner something that concerns you, and that you would like to share with them. A great way to start using the dialogue is to share something that you appreciate about your partner. Try it, and see how you feel when your partner mirrors back your appreciation of them.

Here are some specific phrases you can use as you
practice dialogue:

SENDER
I would like to dialogue (talk) about. . .     Is now okay?     I feel. . .    
I love. . .     I need. . .     What’s bothering me is. . .
 
RECEIVER
1 – Mirroring
Let me see if I’ve got you.     I heard you say. . .     Or, You said. . .
Am I getting you?     Or, Did I get that?     Is there more about that?
 

(Summary Mirror)
Let me see if I got it all. . .?     Am I getting you?     Did I get all of that?     Or, Is that a good summary?
 
2 – Validation
You make sense to me, and what makes sense is. . .     I can understand that. . .     Given that. . . I can see how you would see it that way because sometimes I do . . .

3 – Empathy
I imagine you might be feeling. . . Is that what you’re feeling?

NOW. . . SWITCH ROLES!

http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/articles/imago_dialogue.html 
  

Relationships – From Conflict to Hope

An Introduction to Healthy Communication
through Imago Dialogue (Part-1)

 
(An Article by Harville Hendrix)

At some point in their relationship, couples often find themselves struggling with anger and shock, despair and sadness. Some are newlyweds, and can’t understand how they have plummeted from the heights of love and glory into a swamp of hopelessness and conflict. Others have been married for many years, and though they have been slogging along – in calm or storm – their days of wine and roses are a
dim memory. Even if life at home is relatively peaceful, couples lament
that they have “nothing in common anymore.” And so they lead a disappointed or angry co-existence, each with their own friends and interests, in a marriage of convenience, or an arrangement they endure
“for the sake of the children.”

Shattered dreams, whatever form they take, are painful. But there is hope. In fact, the pain and conflict of committed relationships arise not out of lack of love for our partners, but from a misunderstanding of what love relationships are about. Your conflict can be the very fuel for the fulfillment you seek.

Why do We Fall in Love?

What is really happening when we fall in – and out of – love? What's really going on when couples fight?

To gain insight into the hidden agenda of a relationship, we need to look
at the complex process of human growth and development, and at how
we human beings fit into the larger scheme of things.

I believe that we are creatures of nature, and that we all begin life in a state of relaxed and joyful bliss. If our caretakers are attuned to our wants and needs, ready and able to provide warmth safety and sustenance, our feelings of aliveness and well-being are sustained. We remain whole.

But even in the best of circumstances, our parents are not able to maintain perfect standards, to be available every minute, to always understand exactly what is needed or to meet every demand. Tired,
angry, depressed, busy, ill, distracted, afraid – our parents fail to sustain our feelings of security and comfort.

Every unmet need causes fear and pain and, in our infantile ignorance,
we have no idea how to stop it and restore our feeling of safety. As a response, we adopt primitive coping mechanisms ranging from constant crying to get attention to withdrawing inward and denying that we even have needs. Meanwhile, throughout our childhood, we are also
being socialized, molded by our caretakers and communities to fit into society. Observant and malleable, we learn what to do to gain love and acceptance. We repress or disown parts of ourselves that society finds unacceptable or unlovable. Our sense of "all-rightness" diminishes, and we end up as shadows of our whole, true selves.

Most of us had “good enough” caretakers; we do all right. Some of us didn’t fare so well, and our lives are handicapped by deep hurts. All of us were wounded in childhood to some extent. We are now coping as well as we can with the world and our relationships, but parts of our true nature were suppressed in the unconscious. We look grown up – we have jobs and responsibilities – but we are walking wounded, trying to live life fully while unconsciously hoping to somehow restore the sense of joyful aliveness we began with.

When we fall in love, we believe we've found that sense of joyful aliveness! Suddenly, we see life in technicolor. We nibble each others' ears and tell each other everything; our limitations and rigidities melt away. We're sexier, smarter, funnier, more giving. We feel whole, we feel like ourselves. Finally we feel safe, and breathe a sigh of relieved deliverance. It looks like everything is going to turn out all right, after all.

Why does Falling in Love go Wrong?

But inevitably – often when we marry or move in together – things just
start to go wrong. In some cases, all hell breaks loose. The veil of illusion falls away, and it seems that our partners are different than we thought they were. It turns out they have qualities that we can't bear. Even qualities we once admired grate on us. Old hurts are reactivated as we realize that our partners cannot or will not love and care for us as they promised. Our dream shatters.

Disillusionment turns to anger, fueled by fear that we won't survive without the love and safety that was within our grasp. Since our partner is no longer willing to give us what we need, we change tactics, trying to maneuver our partners into caring – through anger, crying, withdrawal, shame, intimidation, criticism – whatever works. We will make them love us. Or we may negotiate for time, love, chores, or gifts.

The power struggle has begun, and may go on for many years, until
we split. Or we settle into an uneasy truce. What is going on here? Apparently you have found an Imago Partner. Someone, I'm afraid, who is uniquely unqualified (at the moment), to give you the love you want. Furthermore, this is what's supposed to happen!

Let me explain. . . We all think that we have freedom of choice when it comes to selecting our partners. But regardless of what it is we think we're looking for in a mate, our unconscious has its own agenda.

Our primitive "old" brain has a compelling, non-negotiable drive to restore the feeling of aliveness and wholeness that we came into the world with. To accomplish that, it must repair the damage done in childhood as a result of unmet needs, and the way it does that is to find a partner who can give us what our caretakers failed to provide.

You'd think, then, that we would choose someone who has what our caretakers lacked. If only that were so! But the old brain has a mind of its own, with its own checklist of desired qualities. It is carrying around its own image of the perfect partner, a complex synthesis of qualities formed in reaction to the way our caretakers responded to our needs. Every pleasure or pain, every transaction of childhood, has left its mark on us, and these collective impressions form an unconscious picture we're always trying to replicate as we scan our environment for a suitable
mate. This image of "the person who can make me whole again,"
I call that the Imago.

Though we consciously seek only the positive traits, the negative traits of our caretakers are more indelibly imprinted in our Imago picture, because those are the traits which caused the painful experiences we now seek to heal. Our unconscious need is to have our feelings of aliveness and wholeness restored by someone who reminds us of our caretakers. In other words, we look for someone with the same deficits of care and attention that hurt us in the first place.

So when we fall in love, when bells ring and the world seems altogether
a better place, our old brain is telling us that we've found someone with whom we can finally get our needs met. Unfortunately, since we don't understand what's going on, we're shocked when the awful truth of our beloved surfaces and our first impulse is to run screaming in the opposite direction.

But that's not all the bad news. Another powerful component of
our Imago is that we seek the qualities missing in ourselves that got lost in the shuffle of socialization. If we are shy, we seek someone outgoing; if we’re disorganized, we’re attracted to someone cool and rational. But eventually, when our own feelings – our repressed exuberance or anger are stirred, we are uncomfortable, and criticize our partners for being too outgoing, too coldly rational, too temperamental.

Why is Conflict Good?

Being aware of ourselves is the key; it changes everything. When we understand that we have chosen our partners to heal certain painful experiences, and that the healing of those experiences is the key to
the end of longing, we have taken the first step on the journey to
Real Love.

What we need to understand and accept is that conflict is
supposed to happen. This is as nature intended it: Everything in
nature is in conflict. Conflict is a sign that the psyche is trying to
survive, to get its needs met and become whole. It's only without this knowledge that conflict is destructive. Divorce does not solve the problems of relationship. We may get rid of our partners, but
we keep our problems, carting them into the next relationship.
Divorce is incompatible with the intentions of nature.

Romantic love is supposed to end. It is the glue that initially bonds two incompatible people together so that they will do what needs to be done
to heal themselves. The good news is that although many couples become hopelessly locked in the power struggle, it too is supposed to end. Regardless of what we may believe, relationships are not born of love, but of need; Real Love is born in relationships, as a result of understanding what they are about and doing what is necessary to have them.

You may already be with your dream partner, but at the moment, he or she is in disguise – and, like you, is in pain. A Conscious Relationship itself is the practice you need to restore your sense of aliveness. The goal of Imago Practice is to change the power struggle and set you on the path of Real Love.

How to Make Conflict bring us Closer

Many couples' problems are rooted in misunderstood, manipulated, or avoided communications. To correct this, we have created the Imago Dialogue, the core skill of Imago Practice.

Using this effective communications technique, you can restructure the way you talk to each other, so that what you say to each other is mirrored back to you, is validated, and empathized with. You can use the Imago Dialogue to tell each other all about your childhoods, to state your frustrations clearly, and to articulate exactly what you need from each other in order to heal. Clear communication is a window into the world of your partner; truly being heard is a powerful aphrodisiac.

Over time, we move from a staring at exteriors to a sharing of interiors, as we learn to participate in the emotional realm of the other, while holding onto our own, separate experience. Initially, Dialogue may feel artificial. With practice, it will become seamless and connecting. In the Dialogue, both partners cross a bridge into each other’s worlds, motivated not only by the Receiver’s desire to be “hear and understand” but also to meet the Sender’s need to be “heard and understood.” The Dialogue fosters intentionality, a commitment to slow down our lives and devote specific uninterrupted time to our relationships. The Dialogue ultimately says to the other, “I respect your otherness; I want to
learn from it. And I want to share mine with you.”

One of the greatest learnings of Dialogue is the discovery of two distinct worlds. Whenever two people are involved, there are always two realities. These realities will always be different in small and large ways, no matter what. And the reality of the other person can be understood, accepted, valued, and even loved but not made to be identical to our own.

Finding True Love

The Dialogue must also be turned into action: we give our partners what they need, and not just what is easy to give. Now we come to the heart of the matter: in a Conscious relationship we agree to change
in order to give our partner what he/she needs. This is a radical idea. Conventional wisdom says that people don’t change, that we should simply learn to accept each other as we are. But without change [real Transformation - rbd], there is no growth; we are confined to the fate, to remaining stuck in our unhappiness.

Change is the catalyst for healing. In changing to give our partners what they need, we heal our own painful experiences. Our own behavior was born in response to our particular deprivations; it is our adaptation to loss. In giving our partners what is hardest for us to give, we have to bring our hidden selves out into the light, owning and enlivening parts of ourselves. When we change our behavior in response to our mate, we heal our partner and ourselves.

I call the process by which we alter our entrenched behaviors to give
our partners what they need “stretching,” for it requires that we conquer our fears and do what comes unnaturally. Our resistance reflects our defenses. Often we may feel that we're losing ourselves but we are
not ourselves now; it is in the crucible of change that we regain ourselves.

Over the course of time, as our partners demonstrate their love for us, as they learn about and accept our hidden selves, and as we stretch to love our partners, our pain and self-absorption diminishes. We restore our empathic feelings for our partners, and our feelings of connection to the other that were lost in the pain of our childhood. Finally we learn to
see our partners for themselves, with their own private world of personal meaning, their own ideas and dreams, and not merely as extensions of ourselves, or as we wish they were. We no longer say, "You liked that awful movie?" but rather, "Tell me why you liked that movie.
I want to know how you think."

Finally, we can relax; everything is all right.

A conscious relationship is a spiritual path which leads us home again,
to joy and aliveness, to the feeling of oneness we started out with. All through the course of Imago Practice, we learn to express love as a behavior daily, in large and small ways: in other words, in stretching to give our partner what they need, we learn to love. The transformation of our relationships may not be accomplished easily or quickly; we are setting off on a lifelong journey.

http://www.harvillehendrix.com/