Understanding Poor Communication

10 Reasons You Can’t Say How You Feel

(Sharing an Article by John M. Grohol, Psy.D.)

Here at 1HeartMatters, our primary focus is to help others develop and maintain Healthy & Healing Relationships through our sharing of insightful articles from various sources and authors. Many of the articles we post have come to our attention through our own personal life experiences and trials that we’ve had the opportunity, and Blessing, to encounter. But sometimes, to be able to see trials as “Blessings” is just a deeper part
of the Journey. And in reality, each of us needs to be willing to "go there and look at our own stuff."

Still, when we encounter difficulties in relationships, it's often easy to see those situations as “problems or obstacles.” But in my own Journey, I’ve come to have a different viewpoint. By Grace, I’ve been learning how to view those things as “opportunities” – to learn about myself, about my partner and, ideally, as an opportunity to learn how to Love others Unconditionally, and how to Forgive from the Heart.

Now honestly in my own relationships, I guess I could say things like,
“I SHOULD have done (or said) this,” or perhaps even, “I SHOULD NOT have done (or said) that.” But the reality is. . . I did or maybe didn’t do the “right thing” and now look at the consequences. And, that’s just part of accepting the reality of life. But also from an emotional and Healing perspective, it’s just not healthy for us to do that (“shoulding”)
to others or to ourselves. Just ask anyone who’s ever participated in an
AA Program.  

Ideally, with the help of a few friends, I’ve also been learning how to turn the “Shoulds and Should Not’s” into. . . WISHES. When we’re able to say “I wish. . .” then there’s always Hope. And if we’re able to learn from our past mistakes, then perhaps those mistakes were exactly what we needed to go through – to get to a better place.  And that doesn’t make those past mistakes “right.” Just, perhaps, necessary in securing our “desire to get well.”

My Hope is that by sharing much of the information that we do, that we can actually help to improve some of our personal relationships – before it’s too late. Paying attention to our own hearts, as well as the hearts of our partners, can help secure Healthy & Healing Relationships for all of us. And ideally, “I’ve wished” I had known some of these things earlier in my life. But that’s okay – because there’s always Hope for the future. And, in God I Trust. . .

R Butch David

10 Reasons You Can’t Say How You Feel
(By John M. Grohol, Psy.D.)

Not everyone finds expressing their feelings easy or having it come naturally. While the stereotype is that men have the hardest time expressing their emotions, everyone at one time or another in their life may find it difficult to say how they feel.

Learning why you have trouble expressing your feelings can go a long way into changing that behavior. Saying how you feel is something you can learn how to do, just as readily as you can learn how to fix a faucet or mend a button on a shirt. Here are ten common reasons why people find it difficult to express their emotions to someone else:

1. Conflict Phobia

You are afraid of angry feelings or conflicts with people. You may
believe that people with good relationships should not engage in verbal “fights” or intense arguments. In addition, you may believe that disclosing your thoughts and feelings to those you care about would result in
their rejection of you. This is sometimes referred to as the “ostrich phenomenon” – burying your head in the sand instead of
addressing relationship problems.

2. Emotional Perfectionism

You believe that you should not have feelings such as anger, jealousy, depression, or anxiety. You think you should always be rational and in control of your emotions. You are afraid of being exposed as weak and vulnerable. You believe that people will belittle or reject you if they know how you really feel.

3. Fear of Disapproval and Rejection

You are so terrified by rejection and ending up alone that you would rather swallow your feelings and put up with some abuse than take the chance of making anyone mad at you. You feel an excessive need to please people and to meet what you perceive to be their expectations. You are afraid that people would not like you if you expressed your thoughts
and feelings.

4. Passive-Aggressive Behavior

You pout and hold your hurt or angry feelings inside instead of
disclosing what you feel. You give others the silent treatment,
which is inappropriate, and a common strategy to elicit feelings
of guilt (on their part).

5. Hopelessness

You are convinced that your relationship cannot improve no matter what you do. You may feel that you have already tried everything and nothing works. You may believe that your spouse (or partner) is just too stubborn and insensitive to be able to change. These positions represent a self-fulfilling prophecy – once you give up, an established position of hopelessness supports your predicted outcome.

6. Low Self-Esteem

You believe that you are not entitled to express your feelings or to ask others for what you want. You think you should always please other people and meet their expectations.

7. Spontaneity

You believe that you have the right to say what you think and feel when you are upset. (Generally, feelings are best expressed during a
calm and structured or semi-structured exchange.) Structuring your communication does not result in a perception that you are “faking” or attempting to inappropriately manipulate others.

8. Mind Reading

You believe that others should know how you feel and what you need (although you have not disclosed what you need). The position that individuals close to you can “divine” what you need provides an excuse
to engage in non-disclosure, and thereafter, to feel resentful because people do not appear to care about your needs.

9. Martyrdom

You are afraid to admit that you are angry, hurt, or resentful because you do not want to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing that her or his behavior is unacceptable. Taking pride in controlling your emotions and experiencing hurt or resentment does not support clear and functional communication.

10. Need to Solve Problems

When you have a conflict with an individual (i.e., your needs are not being met), avoiding the associated issues is not a functional solution. Disclosing your feelings and being willing to listen to the other person, without judgment, is constructive.

www. psychcentral.com/lib/2009/10-reasons-you-cant-say-how-you-feel/