Coping with Our Critics

(By Lewis B. Smedes)

I am going to talk with you about how to cope with people who set themselves up as your critics. We all have critics; I have had a fair share of them in my time. All of us have people around us who tell us whether we dress right, talk right, think right, or do right. Critics can make us
feel guilty, or ashamed, or just plain incompetent – if we let them. So one of the most important lessons about life that I, for one, am still learning, and maybe you are too is this: How to cope with our critics?

There are two mistakes people often make when they are trying to cope with their critics. One mistake is to ignore them. But the trouble with ignoring our critics is that we may discover that they were right and that we would have been better off if we had listened to them. So it is a mistake to ignore our critics. On the other hand, it is an even bigger mistake to take them too seriously – to let them have the last word, as if they were our judges and were always right. The trick, then, is to listen to our critics, but never, never let our critics be our judges.

Here is the key. A critic is one thing. A judge is another. Critics give us their own opinion, and it is up to us to take it or leave it. But judges are different; when they deliver their judgment, we have no choice, we simply have to take it. This is why I say: listen to your critics, but never let them be your judges.

The Apostle Paul had his share of critics and what he said to his critics has always been helpful to me. I recommend it to you. You can find his words in the New Testament at the very beginning of the 4th chapter of
1 Corinthians. "With me it is a small thing that I should be judged by you – or anybody else for that matter. I do not even judge myself. . .
It is the Lord who judges me."

You will notice that he had three kinds of critics: first, other people, second, himself, and, third, the Lord. Three critics. We have the very
same ones: other people, our own selves, and the Lord.

Let’s first talk about our human critics: Our friends, people who go to our church, our mothers, even our own children. They can criticize us for just about everything. The apostle’s critics, for instance, were carping at him for the way he carried on his missionary work. How did he respond? He simply said: "I am listening. I hear what you are saying. What you say matters to me. But when the chips are down, and you have
had your say, your words are never the last word for me. You are not my judges."

When we let our critics become our judges, we let them decide whether we are good enough or beautiful enough to be loved and accepted. I knew a woman once who had just about everything a beautiful woman, fifty-ish, could want: besides being good looking, she was well educated, and wealthy, and on top of that she was a very good, generous human being.

But with all her fine qualities, she was miserable. Deeply depressed, sometimes thought of taking her own life. How did she get in that terribly sad state of mind? I will tell you. She got into that sad state of mind by letting her critics become her judges. She had lived her whole life to win their approval. She lived in fear that if she did not measure up to their judgments, she would not be good enough for anyone, especially God, to love her. What happened to this wonderful woman? I am happy to say that she finally learned how to deal with her critics. She found the courage to say to them all, "I respect your criticism, but from now on, I will not let you be my judge."

Very often we have the hardest time when our critics are the very people we love and admire. When I was in college, I had a wonderful teacher whom I greatly admired. And I wanted his approval above almost every thing else. And if I did not have his approval I would be crushed. In short I was letting my professor and critic be my judge. It took me a long time to say to myself: "I want him to be my critic, I will always take his opinion seriously. But I will not let him be my judge." I can tell you that the day I decided that my college idol would not be my judge, I found a new freedom to follow my own path without worrying about what he thought of what I was doing. Critics are a blessing. We can all profit from them. But they can be a curse if we let them be our judges.

Our second critic is our own self. God has made us with the ability to examine our own lives, to take stock of ourselves and be our own critics. The only way we will ever improve our lives is by being critical of ourselves. But, oh, we make a huge mistake if we become our own judges. The apostle Paul knew this, so when he refused to let his critics be his judges, he added these words: I do not even judge myself.

It is important here to recall the difference between a critic and a judge: a critic gives you his or her opinion and you can accept it or your can reject it. But when a judge pronounces his or judgment, you are stuck with it.

The apostle was his own toughest critic. He took the measure of his own life and criticized himself very honestly. He said: "I find that I often do the very things that—in my deepest spirit – I do not really want to do. And I often fail to do the very things that, deep in my spirit, I really want to do." Yes, the apostle was his own toughest critic. And he urged us to examine ourselves and be critical of what we see in ourselves. But be our own judges? Not on your life.

We are simply not competent to judge ourselves. When we take stock of
ourselves, we tend to see what we want to see. When we're feeling good about ourselves we want to see only the good things about ourselves. When we get down on ourselves we actually look for bad things in ourselves. How we see ourselves is always blurred by the mood we are in. When we feel good about ourselves, we are too easy on ourselves. When we feel down, depressed, we are too hard on ourselves. The Bible says that all our hearts are deceitful, and they never deceive us so badly as when we are trying to examine our own selves.

Besides, we are too complicated for us to understand ourselves – even when we are honest with ourselves. The smartest psychiatrist in the world can spend five years with a patient and never really unravel the mystery of his patient’s spirit. Look inside yourself, and you will find shadow and light, evil and goodness, ugliness and beauty, hate and love, all mixed up together like a tossed salad.

I worry about people who, when they look inside themselves, always come up feeling smug, and thoroughly pleased with themselves. I also worry about people who look inside themselves and come up feeling as if their souls were cesspools. Neither of them has seen themselves for what they really are.

Their mistake is not that they criticize themselves. Their mistake is that they judge themselves. I know good people who are going through life judging themselves to be flawed and blemished and hopeless persons. Yes, I worry about good people who judge themselves and always find themselves wanting.

On the other hand, I have known people who made a living by lying and cheating and stealing who convinced themselves that they were really models of good character. Yes, I worry about people judge themselves and always find themselves innocent.

No wonder the apostle Paul said to his critics: I not only refuse to let you be my judges, I do not judge myself. I criticize myself, but I do not judge myself. Which leaves just one more critic – The Lord Himself.

The apostle not only refused to let his human critics be his judges, he would not let himself be his own judge. But now comes the clincher. It was not as if he refused to be judged by anyone. He had a judge and told his critics who his judge was. He said: "My judge is the Lord." Think for a moment. God is qualified to be our judge because he knows us right down to the core, knows everything there is to know about us, good, bad, and indifferent.

How can we live with the one critic who really has the competence to be our judge? For myself, I have found that the way to live with my divine critic is to know that whenever he judges me, he also loves me, forgives me, and accepts me. Nothing I have ever done or ever will do can persuade God to reject me.

Jesus himself had critics who judged him to be deserving of the death penalty. But, what his judges didn't know was that when they condemned Jesus to death, God himself was in Jesus bearing their judgment. And since that moment when God was judged, He is the God who forgives.

One last word. . . We all have to live with critics. That’s life. But the
only critic who is qualified to be our judge is the Lord himself. And the good news about our divine judge is that He refuses to condemn us. Let me put it in Paul the apostle’s own words: There is therefore no condemnation. No condemnation. No condemnation at all. There is only forgiveness. There is only Love.

  

But, I'll NEVER Forget

What to Do – When You Can’t Forgive 

An Article by David Nelmes

“I can forgive, but I cannot forget,”
is only another way of saying,

“I WILL NOT FORGIVE.”
Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note –

torn in two and burned up,
so that it never can be shown against one.

(Henry Ward Beecher)

It was a dark night and the attack upon you was vicious, or perhaps a cherished person in your life abandons you for another. . . or perhaps school-mates or co-workers are very cruel in their treatment of you.
These are three of what could be endless trillions of reasons to be
upset, endless trillions of reasons to not forgive.

It's easy to say "You must forgive," when the situation that requires forgiveness does not directly affect you. It's easy to preach these words, but focus and clarity in thinking are required to practice these words.

Before we go on, it can be helpful for you to understand that everything I ever express to you or provide as suggestions, does not mean that I have mastered that problem or situation. It only means that I am aware what the best steps are and I am sharing this information with you. I also struggle with practicing those things that are best, just like you, so don't be so hard on yourself when you feel you cannot do something. This situation makes you no different than anyone and it's the reason why the rest of us are here for you – and why you are here for the rest of us.

When you can't forgive somebody or something, you are not hurting that person or thing. The only result of not forgiving, is a perpetuating sadness within yourself. Unforgiveness sets your mind in a place where you will gravitate to more things that are sad, to more things that are not peaceful. The lack of forgiveness leads to increased misery in your life and in the way you see all the things in the world. Everything you see will be tainted by your misery and the things you see and experience will be twisted in your mind and will serve as evidence to you that the world is responsible for your pain, but not you.

Knowing that you should forgive, how do you even attempt to forgive somebody when every cell in your body is crying with hate and screaming for vengeance? Even when you attempt to force yourself to say the words, "I forgive you," you know you are lying and have accomplished nothing other than having made sounds with your vocal cords. Words mean nothing when the heart is not in sync. God is neither fooled nor upset by this. He is just patiently waiting for your heart to open for this issue to be healed.

An important lesson I learned was to "live on the level you believe." For example, if you have a severe toothache, spend a moment in prayer and do your best to be open for healing. But if nothing happens, do not be upset, because this is not God punishing you or testing you. It is simply
a matter that you really do not believe you will be healed, so instead of writhing in pain, do the thing you do believe – take the pain killer or go to the dentist, but don't punish yourself for not believing. Live on the level you do believe so that you can restore your peace and regain your focus and return to a place where you can work on being open to increase the level you believe.

If you can't forgive, step back for a moment and stop wasting your time trying to do something you don't believe you can do. Before you can forgive what you believe somebody has done to you, you must first fix what you have surely done to yourself. Your desire to forgive has become clouded and needs to be healed. Simply clear your mind for a moment and focus on what you know you can do or what you know is true for you. When you say "I forgive you" and you know it is not true, you are just wasting your time. Instead, try to find something that is true. Say,
"I would rather that I could forgive," because that is the truth and you can only start healing from a point in which you truly believe.

The purpose of the Holy Spirit is for the correction of errors in how we
see things, how we experience things and for what we believe is true. When you know you would rather forgive, but just can't – what are you really doing? You are believing you can't forgive, and therefore, you can't forgive. There is actually nothing wrong with your ability to forgive – you just don't believe you can and so your mind is not open to allow this
to happen.

Sit back. Remind yourself that God wants what is best for you. He sent Jesus to help open your mind and he sent the Holy Spirit to guide your mind, when it is open. Be open to see that he is looking to help you remove any discomfort in your life and that he wants your mind fully healed and he wants you to be able to communicate with him fully once again. When you are open for inner healing, the answer is always "Yes" because that's where all our real problems originate and that's the only place where real change can actually occur [in your Heart – rbd].

Basically, most of our problems stem from us disbelieving things that should just naturally occur. We are created in our creators image. He is perpetually forgiving and so are we. It is your 100% natural ability to forgive without any hesitation or condition, just like your creator. Our errors in thinking make us disbelieve those things which should be totally natural for us.

Consider this. All the miracles Jesus did, were not great feats of God's powers or just special moments to rarely occur again. Those miracles were simply the direct result of Jesus doing what came naturally
to Him, because He didn't believe He couldn't. . . He just knew that He could. We are no different than Jesus – we just don't believe it and so we don't often achieve those things that occurred so naturally for Him – but eventually we all will.

When you can't forgive, when you can't find peace, when you don't want to get out of bed anymore and when you hate your job – don't get trapped into thinking you have to be brave by sacrificing your true happiness and lie to yourself about what you know doesn't feel true to you. Don't pretend to forgive if you can't. Don't pretend to be at peace if you're not. Instead, start with a real thought that is true. “I would rather that I wasn't so sad.”
“I would rather I didn't hate my job.” “I would rather that I wanted to get out of bed.” Hand those thoughts over to the Holy Spirit. Don't focus on what you don't think you can do, but focus on what you would rather you could do.

For example, if my thought was “I can't forgive,” I would pray, "This thought that 'I can't forgive', I hand over to you to correct. I would rather I could forgive.” Similarly, if my thought was “I can't get out of bed and have a good day.” I would pray, "This thought that 'I can't get out of bed and have a good day', I hand over to you to correct. I would rather that I could get out of bed and have a great day."

Upon handing over these errors in thinking, the Holy Spirit is invited to intervene in this part of your mind, and where He goes, healing and greater perception of truth follows. The errors in thinking will cease to exist and that part of your mind will be healed. There will be no boom – there will be no flashing light – there will be no burning bush. What will occur is a gentle and peaceful reorganization of your thoughts. There will not be a spike at the moment where you feel the miracle of new thinking. Instead, later that day, you will just notice that you are now seeing that problem differently. You will see that you can now move forward to the next stage of your healing because now you can forgive, or now you want to get out of bed or now you no longer hate your job.

Now, with your mind clear of the lies of what it can't do, you can now more readily move on to what it can do, which often consists of identifying more and more areas of your life where you believe you can't do something. This is fine and most likely, necessary. Hand over all your “can’ts” to the Holy Spirit and then you will discover, that no matter the situation, you can.

So, when you think you can't forgive, you are simply mistaken and have simply forgotten how. The Holy Spirit will help you to remember that
You can forgive. . . and you will be at peace again. Here's a Heartfelt Song, as a reminder:

For more information on David Nelmes, visit 

www.beingwilling.com/index.php

 

Getting Along With People

(An Article by Andrew Wommack)

Did you know that the greatest commandments of all are not part of the Ten Commandments? In fact, all of the commandments and laws are an outgrowth of just two. Jesus said this in answer to the lawyer’s question in Matthew 22:36-40, “Master, which is the great commandment in the law?” Jesus said unto him, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.”

Many of us are praying for healing, deliverance, and prosperity. We want joy, peace, and happiness in our homes. We want better relationships
with family and friends, especially during the Christmas season. However, the answer to seeing these needs and desires met is all wrapped up in receiving God’s Love and then walking in that Love toward others.

In September, I wrote to you about God’s Love toward you in the article, “Look Who Jesus Loves.” Once you understand just how much He loves you, it’s not hard to love Him with all your heart, soul, and mind and to love others as yourself. Yet, many claim to love God and still don’t walk in Love toward others.

1 John 4:19-21 says, “We love Him, because He first loved us. If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen? And this commandment have we from Him, That he who loveth God love his brother also.”

That is a strong, strong passage of Scripture. Most of us want to interpret that some other way to take the bite out of it, but I just can’t see any way around this. If someone says they love God but harbor hate and resentment toward others, they are lying. We need to understand that this is the truth and begin to allow God’s Love to flow through us to others, including those we don’t like and those who have
hurt us.

In James 2:8 it is called the Royal Law: “If ye fulfil the royal law according to the scripture, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself, ye do well.”

This means that it is the highest of all the Laws, which is the same point that Jesus made in Matthew 22. The greatest thing any of us can do is to love God and to love people. That is the number one thing that God has given us to do. Until this becomes the focus of our lives, we are not going to benefit from His love working in us, and we will give Satan a tremendous inroad.

The Bible says that offenses will come. If you live on this earth among people, someone is going to rub you the wrong way sooner or later. And, according to 2 Timothy 3:12, just because you are a Christian and identify with Jesus, some are going to hate you: “Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution.”

Most of the problems we have with people are the result of envy and strife. It might be our fault, their fault, or both, but strife is still the result. James 3:16 states: “For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.”

People often think of jealousy and envy as the same thing, but they are not. Jealousy desires what someone else has. But envy, according to the dictionary, is not just jealousy. It is jealousy with malice, with intent to hurt or bring another person down. Envy means you are bitter and angry; strife is when you vent that bitterness and anger.

James continues by saying that with those two things come confusion and every evil work. If God is not the author of confusion that means Satan is. So you could say that where envy and strife are found, you will also find Satan and all his evil works. Not some, but every evil work.

So, how do you deal with strife or other problems in relationships? First, evaluate the source. It is always one of four: It could be your fault, the other person’s fault, or both of you may be at fault. The fourth source occurs less often and is not the result of strife: God may want you to end a relationship that is hindering your future.

Most people do not want to accept personal responsibility. It’s much easier just to point a finger at someone else. The danger with this
is that you can develop a victim mentality. You begin to believe
that the reason you act the way you do is because of what other people have done to you. You don’t believe it is ever your fault. Always begin by looking at yourself first.

Often the problem is only in your mind and doesn’t actually exist. It is
the result of judging the motives behind the actions of others. You jump to conclusions and take offense based on speculations. One of the qualifications of a minister is that he is sober minded. That means he is void of speculative imaginations. By assuming people’s motives are good, most offenses will never develop.

There is a time and place to discern and judge the motives of others, but it must be done properly. I don’t have the space in this letter to teach on this, so I recommend you get my new series, God’s Kind of Love Through You, which discusses speculative imaginations and godly judgment.

But, what if it’s the other person’s fault? No matter what they have done, you have a choice in your response. You have 100 percent authority over yourself. You can start walking in Love toward another person anytime you decide to. Paul said, “I die daily.” And, in 2 Corinthians 4:17, he stated: “For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of Glory.”

I won’t list them here, but Paul’s light afflictions weren’t exactly light. They were just light in comparison to the Glory he would experience in eternity. If we compared all the hurtful things people have done to us to what Jesus suffered for our sake, our suffering becomes insignificant. It’s all a matter of perspective; Paul understood that.

Most of the time broken relationships are the fault of both the people involved. That is especially true in marriage. No man has ever loved his wife the way Christ loves the church, and no woman has ever honored her husband the way the church is to honor God. The key to resolving problems in all relationships begins with Forgiveness.

“Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven." (Matt. 18:21-22)

“Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him.” (Luke 17:3-4)

No one is going to sin against you 490 times in one day! What Jesus is saying is that if a person humbles himself and asks for forgiveness, then forgive him. Forgiveness is the most powerful weapon of all in ending strife and restoring relationships.

If this does not resolve the problem, God has a plan in His Word to help you. Again, I do not have space here to teach on this subject, but it is
very important that you know what to do next. In my series, God’s Kind of Love Through You, one of the messages is titled, “Dealing with Offenses When All Else Fails.” In it, I talk about confronting the person with two or three witnesses present, taking the issue before the church, and turning someone over to Satan for the destruction of their flesh and the salvation
of their soul. [Be VERY careful with that last part – rbd]  “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” (Matt 7:2)

In some instances, it might actually be God causing a relationship to break up. There are some relationships that God just doesn’t want you
to have. For example, He doesn’t want you to be unequally yoked with unbelievers. He also doesn’t want you to have relationships that might keep you from your destiny. However, this should not be misused as an excuse to end a relationship just because you’re unhappy. 

(http://www.awmi.net/)

  

Sacrilegious Jesus

(An Article by Keith Giles)

“You study the Scriptures diligently because
you think that in them you have eternal life.
These are the very Scriptures that testify about me,
yet you refuse to come to me to have life.”
(John 5:39-40)

Sacrilegious: (Adjective) – “Gross irreverence toward a hallowed person, place, or thing.”

It occurs to me that Jesus, the Messiah, was profoundly sacrilegious.
He healed on the Sabbath, picked grain on the Sabbath, and defied the Jewish High Priest and the ruling religious class on an almost daily basis.

This is part of what confounded the Jewish leaders of his day. They were looking for a Messiah who would fit into their program, a star quarterback they could draft who would take their team to the Super Bowl.

Instead, what they got was an outlaw who wore his own uniform, played
by his own rules and had the audacity to expect them to join his team.
Of course, they were scandalized by this sort of take charge Messiah. They couldn’t accept that the Chosen One might kick things off by correcting them publicly, pointing out their flaws, their pride and their errors in front of everyone. How could he be so cruel? Why would he expose their inconsistencies that way?

Even worse, this back water Rabbi from Nazareth recruited his disciples from among the peasant class rather than selecting the children of the wealthiest and most intelligent in Jerusalem. Instead of choosing to teach the sons of priests and governors, he selected a revolutionary extremist, a tax collector, some smelly fishermen, and a few random Gallileans of no fame or lineage. This is why his ministry required the support of outsiders like women, and prostitutes, and other tax collectors. It was really shameful, to be honest.

But what really rubbed the Pharisees the wrong way was his constant breaking of the Sabbath. In fact, it almost seemed to be intentional on his part to work miracles on the very day that he should be at home resting. What’s more, when confronted about this, he had the audacity to suggest that the reason he was breaking the Sabbath was because God was also at work on the Sabbath. So, if God doesn’t rest on the Sabbath why should he? (John 5:17)

What makes the sacrilegious actions of Jesus so profound is that
His irreverence wasn’t towards God, but instead, pointed out the hypocrisy of men and the emptiness of tradition and religion itself.

Jesus wanted people to come to Himself,
not to a temple.
He wanted people to spend time with Him,
not a book of rules.
Jesus wanted people to look to Him for answers,
not to religious leaders.

 

Jesus didn’t ever play church. He spent most of his time among the poor and the broken, the outcast and the weak. When he did go to the Temple, it was to point out the hypocrisy of the religious charlatans and to call people to follow Him and to enter the Kingdom of God in humility.

Sacrilegious people do not care for pretense. They do not care about faux (artificial) Religiosity. They roll their eyes at the pomp and circumstance of religious show and have no patience for a sermon and a song.

Like Jesus, the sacrilegious person is only interested in cutting through the nonsense to get to the “Heart of the Matter.” Spare the flowery speeches and the platitudes, just show them what’s real and cut to
the chase.

Jesus didn’t come to start a new religion, or to validate an existing one. He came to announce that the Kingdom of God had come and that, through submission to Himself, anyone could live in it right away.

Jesus cuts to the chase by simply saying, “Repent [think differently –
“be transformed” - dc] because the Kingdom of God is within you.”

Submission to His Kingship in your actual life on a daily basis is all that matters. The rest is just Religiosity.

Seems we could use a dose of good old fashioned sacrilege today. . .

“Yet a time is coming and has now come
when the true worshipers will worship the Father
in the Spirit and in Truth, for they are
the kind of worshipers the Father seeks.
God is Spirit, and His worshipers must worship
in the Spirit and in Truth.”

(John 4:23-24)

http://subversive1.blogspot.com/2012/08/sacrilegious-jesus.html

  

Validation and Acknowledgement –

Good Habits for a Healthy Relationship

You know, we all tend to go through some difficult times in our lives – perhaps you can relate. Several years ago, I feel that by Grace, God had sent a few people to me as a means of helping me through those trying times. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, certain key people would be playing a major role in the development of my future relationships with others (along with the Healing of some existing relationships). It seemed that they had learned a few things about relationships in their own Journey – in particular, how to have Healthy, Healing and Loving Relationships.

Initially, I was given the opportunity to share my story of heartbreak with two different people on two separate occasions – and the responses
(and outcomes) were quite different. With one person, I felt completely “challenged” as I shared my story of personal tragedies. And the more I was challenged about “how I could be wrong about things” – the more hurt (and defensive) I became. It felt like I was being admonished (told) to “get my act together,” even from a Spiritual perspective. As it was, I left that meeting feeling even more upset and disheartened than when I first arrived.

But with the other person, just a week later, something different occurred. Although I basically did a “re-run” in sharing my personal tragedies all over again – this person responded in a different way. They patiently listened and empathized with me. At times, they even appeared to be deeply saddened by my story. This time, I didn’t feel that I wasn’t being rebuked or challenged, nor was I given Scriptural references to consider. Rather, I felt that I was really being “cared for.” Although I didn’t quite understand the interpersonal dynamics of what was happening, I later came to appreciate what I had just encountered. Relationally speaking, I had been presented with a “Gift” – The Gift of “Validation and Acknowledgement.”

I think many of us have experienced “Invalidation” in our lives and personal relationships. And often when relationships fail, it’s because of
a simple lack of Validation and Acknowledgement regarding our feelings.
I’ve come to learn that when people are hurting, they aren’t necessarily seeking answers, opinions, directions or advice. Sometimes, it’s just that we want someone to listen to us, and perhaps, even identify with our pain. And when that happens – True Healing can begin.

Following is an article about Validation and its importance in developing and maintaining Healthy & Healing Relationships. It was first provided to the Transformational Healing Community by a fellow member and Friend, back in 2008. My thanks and gratefulness goes out to that Friend who had the loving desire to share this information, from an anonymous source.

R Butch David

How to Validate Someone

One of the most important emotional skills is the skill of Validation. 

It is a skill because it can be learned. Whether it is, or ever will be, part
of the academic or corporate measures of emotional intelligence, I really don't know. But I do know that if you want to have better (healthy) relationships with people, the skill of emotional validation is extremely useful.

The relationship will be better because with more validation you are
going to have less debating, less conflicts, and less disagreement.
You will also find that validation opens people up and helps them feel
free to communicate with you. In fact, if there is a communication breakdown, if there is a wall between you and someone else, it probably has been built with the bricks of Invalidation. Validation
is the means of chipping away at the wall and opening the free flow of communication.

What Validation Is

To validate someone's feelings is first to accept someone's feelings.
Next, it is to understand them, and finally it is to nurture them. To validate is to acknowledge and accept one's unique identity and individuality. Invalidation, the other hand, is to reject, ignore, or judge their feelings, and hence, their individual identity.

When we validate someone, we allow them to safely share their feelings and thoughts. We are reassuring them that it is okay to have the feelings they have. We are demonstrating that we will
still accept them after they have shared their feelings. We let them know that we respect their perception of things at that moment. We help them feel heard, acknowledged, understood and accepted.

Sometimes validation entails listening, sometimes it is a nod or a sign of agreement or understanding, sometimes it can be a hug or a gentle touch. Sometimes it means being patient when the other person is not ready
to talk.

Painful feelings that are expressed, acknowledged and validated by a trusted listener will diminish.
– Painful feelings that are ignored will gain strength –

Basic Steps to Validation

1)  Acknowledging the other person's feelings
2)  Identifying the feelings
3)  Offering to listen
4)  Helping them label the feelings
5)  Being there for them; remaining present physically and emotionally
6)  Feeling patient
7)  Feeling accepting and non-judgmental

Here are some simple ways to validate someone when they talking to you and they are feeling upset, hurt, sad, etc.

Awww – Yeah – Mmm (watch this one – it’s sometimes referred to
as the “Christian Moo”) – I hear you. – That hurts. – That's not good. – Wow, that's a lot to deal with. – That's no fun. – I would feel the same way. – I would feel hurt (sad/angry/jealous, etc.) too. – That is sad. – That sounds discouraging. – That sounds like it would really hurt. – That must really hurt. – I know just what you mean. – I would feel the same way. –
I can understand how you feel. – It sounds like you are really feeling ____. – It sounds like _____ is really important to you.

Most of us truly want to help other people, but often we don't know how,
or we try too hard and we start giving advice, as our parents did to us.
But I have found that usually if I just validate someone, they are often
able to work out their own emotional problems even faster than if I were
to give them my advice. This I believe is a sign of not only high EQ (Emotional Quotient), but of Wisdom. Though I read about validation and "active listening" I didn't learn the importance of it. I learned it from life. And from watching what works and what doesn't work. If you want to help someone, try some of these. I have found they have amazing power.

For some people all you need to do is use these short, validating comments and they will continue to talk. For others, you might encourage them to keep talking with
short questions such as:

Really? – Yeah? – How's that? – You did? – She did?

If you find yourself in a position of needing to lead the conversation you might try:

I can see that you are really upset. – You look pretty sad. – You seem a little worried, troubled, scared, etc. Would you like to talk about it? –
That really bothered you, didn't it? – How did you feel when ______?

Also, to help someone release their feelings try:

What bothers you the most about it? – How strongly are you feeling that (on a scale of 0 - 10)? How come? – How's that? So you really felt _____?
– Is that close? – So what bothered you was that _____? – What else bothered you______? How else did you feel______? – What would help you feel better?

Often, the fewer words from you, the better, especially when someone needs to talk and they are both willing and able. I have found, as I am sure you have, that it takes more to get some people talking than others. But once most people start, and feel safe and validated, they will continue.

Validation allows a person to release their feelings in a healthy, safe and supportive way. It also helps us get to know them better. Thus it builds bonds of caring, support, acceptance, understanding and trust. When a person is feeling down, these bonds are sometimes all that another person needs to begin to feel better and solve their own problems.

On the other hand, when they are feeling excited and enthusiastic, this validation encourages them and helps keep their spirits high.

For example when someone is excited, proud etc.
You might say:

Cool – Neat – Wow – Excellent. etc. – That must have been fun/exciting. – I can see why you are proud.

Why Validation is SO Important

By validating someone we demonstrate that we care and that their feelings matter to us – in other words, that they matter to us. By "mirroring" someone's feelings, we show them that we are in tune with them. We feel connected with them and they feel connected with us.  (You can learn more by visiting: www.eqi.org)

But, WHY Did They DO That?

Because. . . Hurt People, hurt people (HPx2)

Sharing an Article by Ken Unger

A few years ago, it just so happened that I found myself in an unusually awkward and uncomfortable position. After being married for sixteen years, I was now suddenly “Single.” I’m sure that many of us have experienced similar circumstances in life. The truth is, seasons change and so do people. Over time, our desires can change as well. That’s just a part of life. But perhaps the real question is: As life goes on and we get older,
are we “getting bitter or better?” I feel that’s a choice we all get to make, although sometimes it’s a hard choice. Maybe it depends on our perspective – and our Journey?

Upon becoming single, I did discover a whole new set of friends and activities. One of those activities (events) that I once attended was a Christmas Singles Party. My new (single) buddies and I decided to go
and see what kind of FUN we could have. As it turned out, the food was quite good and the company was rather. . . interesting.

Now truly, we would hope that Christmas-Time is a time of Love, Peace, Joy and maybe even some fun. But in reality, it’s also a time of sorrow, sadness, regret and bad memories for many people. Being single during the Holiday Season is often a reminder of a past failed relationship for those of us who used to have partners. So being alone and without a “Partner” during Christmas isn’t always that much fun. I guess that’s why they have “Singles Events.” 

Although I don’t mean this as any type of criticism or judgment, I noticed that some of the people at the party appeared to be rather distraught – perhaps even sad. You could see it in their faces. What made things
even more interesting was when, by the Host's request, people began introducing themselves and sharing about their various “Ministries.” Now
at one point, a man stood up, and after introducing himself said: “This is Christmas and yet I see so many sad people here. I have a question – Divorce, WHY DIVORCE? This should not be so. . .” Almost immediately, the level of discomfort and silence that ensued seemed to be deafening. As it was, two people later, it was my turn to speak. . . yeah right?

Now although I don’t have a “Ministry” per se, I did take the opportunity
to share with others what I had recently been encountering. That is,
“The Christ who came to Heal the brokenhearted.” (Luke 4:18)  As
this particular party was a “Christian Singles Event,” I thought that sharing some Hope could make a difference. While I spoke, I also shared what
I had come to know about WHY our relationships often fail and why we sometimes hurt each other (HPx2). The following article shares some of the insights and perspective I’ve gained while being on my own Healing Journey. Ideally, I feel it’s in our willingness and ability to “Forgive from the Heart” that can mend and Heal a broken heart, and set it Free. . . even to Love, again.

R Butch David

Hurt People, hurt people

(By Ken Unger*)

That phrase says a lot. People who are hurt often afflict others with their pain. People who had raging parents usually take it out on their own kids. Those who were rejected often sabotage their next relationship. Child abusers were usually abused as children.

We’ve all been hurt. No one can escape childhood without suffering some serious ego bruising even if the home front is a safe haven. Schools are toxic. So is dating. So is much of life. The issue isn’t if we’ll be hurt, it’s when and by whom. But the outcome of our life isn’t decided by how we’ve been hurt, but rather by what we do with it. Many people who started out awful created beautiful lives for themselves. Helen Keller comes to mind. Others who didn’t have it nearly so bad can embrace a victim mind set, making their life immeasurably worse.

The question was asked of Ernest Hemingway, “What was the best preparation for being a great writer” His answer? “An unhappy childhood.” Yet, he funneled his early suffering into a creative channel to become the greatest novelist of his generation. Sadly, he never found what he needed to get over that childhood pain. He committed suicide after a life filled with failed relationships, alcoholism, and much personal tragedy.

Ultimately, we have no one to blame for our lives but ourselves. Years
ago I heard a great teacher refer to this as the PIT: Personally Induced Turbulence. Can you see this in your life – times when you stir up the very things that cause your own misery? I know I can. We are all our own worst enemies.

That’s why a biblical lifestyle is so healthy. We are promised that if we love God and follow His call on our life, everything will work for our good. Amazing. Everything? What people do to us? What we do to ourselves? Our own shortcomings, injustices, personal tragedy – even our sins? Everything helps us? Now there’s an absolute I like.

We’re also promised that life will improve. The path of the righteous grows brighter and brighter the longer they live. Someone explained it this way. For a nonbeliever life starts out easy – babies have no problems – but it gets harder and harder. For a Christian, their early spiritual life is difficult, but it gets easier as you grow and learn life’s manifold lessons.

The reason for this is simple. Once a person becomes a Christian, that person’s whole life needs to change. Paul stated that as followers of Christ we needed to be transformed according to Romans 12:2 which says,
“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” That’s because everything in God’s Kingdom is upside down. It’s blessed to be poor in spirit. Meekness causes us to inherit the earth. When someone hits you, you’re to turn the other cheek. If they steal from you; give them more than they took. If they force you to do something; go further than they demand. Christianity is the only religion with the audacity to tell us to Love our enemies – the very people who HURT us. [rbd]

None of these things are natural. Such spiritual responses defy our
natural inclinations. In fact, you could say that living like this is humanly impossible – Which brings to mind the story of Corrie Ten Boom. She’s the Dutch Christian whose family helped Jews escape in World War II, only to be imprisoned in a concentration camp where most of her family died. Years later she came face to face with a prison guard who tortured her and killed her sister. She not only forgave the guard, but she also led her to Christ.

How could she do that? The things that are impossible for men are HIM-possible. The same Christ who forgave his killers and torturers lived
in her, also lives in you. His strength is perfected in our weakness. His Love revealed in our rejection. His Joy transformed through our agony.

No one likes to talk about the baptism of fire mentioned in the New Testament, but few things help us more. Life is like a refining fire – one that purges out the dross that holds us back. But with God’s help, we can celebrate our suffering. I’m not suggesting being a masochist for Christ. Properly handled, suffering shapes us for a fuller, happier, more loving and joyful existence.

Whenever I think I have it bad, I reflect on Paul the Apostle. He wrote Colossians from the most despicable, miserable prison cell you can imagine, yet this epistle contains more about joy than any other book in the Bible. It is said so often it’s almost trite: when life gives you lemons make lemonade.

I know this: were it not for my own brokenness, I would not be helping others Heal their pain, and nothing in life is more rewarding for me than that. I also know that if we love God and do His will, everything that comes into our life makes us better. And the better we get, the better our lives get. That’s Great News!

*Ken R. Unger is known as America's Soul Doctor. His new book,
The Ultimate Breakthrough – Spiritual Therapy for Emotional Pain can help heal emotional pain. You can purchase the book online at http://transformationincorporated.com/  You can also learn more about
Ken and his book in a short video interview, at the following link: 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyGa79NOwBY
 

Reciprocation: A Key to Healthy Relationships

It's kind of like. . . “Tennis Anyone?”

Sharing an Article by Anne Ream

Did you ever play tennis by yourself? It’s really not all that possible, unless of course you find a wall to hit the ball up against. And although
it might be fun for a little while, eventually you’ll probably get tired of it
and your tennis skills will only slightly improve. The reason is because YOU are the one who’s in control of the game. You can actually control the return (response) by how you decide to deliver your next swing.

Now that might be great to learn a few things, but truly, your game will never really improve and your skills will never be tested until you step
out on the court – with another real player. Still, the more you work on developing your own personal tennis skills, the more you’ll eventually be able to contribute to a real game. To really play tennis, you have to find a partner who’s truly interested in the game and who is committed to it. 

Likewise, having a healthy relationship with someone will also involve having a partner who is truly interested in working on that, and who is committed to developing that kind of relationship with you, as well. In
order to have a happy, healthy and lasting relationship with someone, Reciprocation must be included and practiced by both partners.
In effect, when you hit the ball. . . someone has to "hit the ball back."

In reality, developing a loving and healthy relationship with another person is going to involve each partner’s willingness, desire and commitment to “doing the work” necessary to promote that kind of a relationship. Our individual willingness to “work on our own stuff” (past unhealed hurts and unresolved emotional issues) is really important. All of us have things (baggage) that we bring with us into every new relationship. And the “healthier” we are, individually, the greater the potential will be for each of us to contribute in having a happy, healthy, loving, lasting and meaningful relationship with someone else.

I've heard it said that “Falling in Love is easy – and falling out of Love is even easier.” Often, finding someone to play tennis with is easy. But, finding the “ideal” tennis partner can be a real challenge. Still when you do, it truly becomes an enjoyable and rewarding game. And in real life, finding the ideal relationship partner can sometimes be a real challenge, as well. To some extent, I feel that relationships are kind of like playing tennis. I also find it interesting that in intimate personal relationships, just like in the game of tennis, the “Score” is often based upon. . . “Love.” 

In a quote from relationship coach Tony Robbins, “Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter into a relationship in order to GET something. They're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to GIVE, and not a place that you go to take.” Truly, it seems that the happiest and healthiest relationships have a strong sense of reciprocation at their core, that is, at the Heart of the Relationship. And ideally, “Two must be in Agreement to walk together.” Following, is an article about Reciprocation in Healthy Relationships.

R Butch David

Relationship Reciprocity

(By Anne Ream, ATR-BC, LPC*)

Most of us do not consciously think about reciprocity in our intimate relationships and when we do, we might say, “of course it is important.” And as we think about “The Golden Rule,” we recognize it as a valuable principle to live by. Reciprocity is not something that can be exact, because what one person can do, another person cannot. The most obvious example of this dichotomy is that most women do not have the strength men have to lift and carry heavy items. On the other hand men cannot have babies and many have difficulty threading a needle. These
are general and physical examples, of course, but they can help us begin thinking about reciprocity in intimate relationships. Reciprocity and cooperation are so valuable, precisely because we do have various strengths and weaknesses.

Although people have long-recognized the importance of reciprocity, Marsha Linehan explained its value in intimate relationships in her dialectical behavioral therapy theory. Her work continues to be taught, appreciated, and used in many therapeutic settings, with men, as well
as women. Reciprocity is also mentioned as an important relationship characteristic in the Trauma Recovery and Empowerment Model, developed by a group of women led by Maxine Harris PhD (1998).
This model is often used to help women who have been abused.

Reciprocity will be difficult or impossible to develop and maintain
if one partner in the relationship believes that he, or she, is and must be superior, or in control. Likewise, a person who is highly competitive may have difficulty understanding and learning how to create reciprocity in an intimate relationship. Reciprocal relationships require
a spirit of cooperation, as well as, an understanding of and ability to embrace interdependence. To cultivate a lasting, committed relationship, both partners must have and be able to continue
to nurture feelings of love for each other.

Reciprocity is developed and woven into good enough relationships, sometimes without participants knowing that is what they are doing. With awareness, it can become a robust, healthy feature of the relationship. Reciprocity requires people to be invested in their relationship.
If a relationship is important enough to them, partners will be emotionally invested in it enough to work at building and maintaining it. Commitment
is sustained through the improvement of reward-cost balance in relationships. Weeks and Treat (2009) point out that “the most useful investments are those that tap into what the partner has contributed emotionally.” Passion is a vital condition in healthy relationships. Reciprocated love is related to feeling fulfilled. Reciprocated love and emotional contribution are behavioral investments that sustain a committed relationship.

To create a reciprocal relationship, both partners need to be able to
accept responsibility for that creation. The interdependence of a healthy relationship requires that both people accept personal responsibility.
One partner cannot take all the blame, while the other partner gives all the blame. Acceptance of responsibility for the creation of a reciprocal relationship takes a high degree of emotional maturity, which takes awareness, time and personal work to develop. This can be the most rewarding work a person will do in his or her lifetime. It is the work of maturation.

When two people decide to develop a healthy, interdependent, and reciprocal relationship, it is wise for them to take the time to talk about their personal value system and what characteristics they believe create 

a healthy relationship. For instance, some people value affection as an important condition for a healthy relationship, while others do not. In
such a situation, reciprocity will be difficult. Respect is another value that needs to be discussed. Aretha Franklin states in her song, “find out what it means to me.” Asking one another to define “respect” is an excellent place to start the discussion. Respect must be reciprocal and each person needs to be able to articulate it when he or she he feels disrespected. Examples of a few areas that involve respect are; philosophy [Spirituality – rbd], profession, principles, intelligence, creativity, parenting and personal growth process. Reciprocal respect will be difficult or impossible if one partner does not respect the other’s beliefs in those subjects. People need to be honest with themselves first, so they can then be honest with their partner. If there is a lack of respect, love cannot continue to grow and the relationship will be difficult, if not impossible.

A basic building block of intimate relationships concerns how people define reciprocity about the exchange of goods and labor [gifts and acts
of service – rbd]. It is prudent to have discussions about those issues, before committing. Reciprocity in other areas of the relationship, such as emotional, physical or sexual intimacy also needs to be discussed. Negotiating reciprocity is a skill that people can build with one another.

Negative reciprocity often occurs when a behavior has had a negative effect on one person and he or she reciprocates with a behavior that
has an equally negative effect. People react to each other without thinking. Partners need to discuss this sort of exchange order to prevent it from spiraling out of control and to learn how to respond thoughtfully. If partners have built an emotionally healthy relationship, they can work it out by themselves. Sometimes it is helpful to work with a counselor.

Reciprocation in intimate relationships is vital for the relationship
to continue growing and becoming a healthy, lasting, committed relationship. This type of reciprocity differs from the reciprocity that occurs in other types of relationships. Couples getting ready to commit
to a relationship should engage in deep, intimate discussions with each other about how they define love and how they plan to develop reciprocity with each other and keep it growing. Knowing that change is a consistent process in life will help people recognize the value of preparing the soil for a relationship from the beginning. The thrill of the adrenaline rush that comes from [the initial – rbd] attraction is never enough. That ends, often quickly. It is easy to delude ourselves into believing that our partner can and will be able to build the kind of loving, committed relationship that most of us want. Talking, openly, honestly and deeply with our partner can help us make a better decision about whether or not we are genuinely capable of building a healthy reciprocal relationship.

*Copyright 2010 by Anne D. Ream MA, ATR-BC, LPC.