The Truth about Relationship Expectations

(Sharing an Article by Larry James*)

Blaming others for the pain we feel each time
someone fails to live up to our expectations is no different
  than burning our tongue on coffee that's too hot to swallow --
and then calling our cup an idiot!
(Guy Finley)

Unfulfilled expectations always cause problems

Having expectations in our culture is expected. We are brought up
that way. Having great expectations sounds great however when the expectation is unfulfilled, we bitch, we moan, we become disappointed. That’s a problem for most.

For example, if I expect you to love me a certain way and your love
doesn't show up that way for me, I will most likely be disappointed. A better way might be to strive to get the need of being loved fulfilled by allowing your love partner to love you the way they love you. Your need to be loved a certain way is not a healthy need, it is only and always an unrealistic expectation.

Another disappointing thing about expectations is that they often do not come true. One love partner knows the expectation. The other love partner doesn't know the expectation of the other. Expectations are in the eye of the beholder. Can you see the problem?

Needs must be communicated. Expectations are rarely ever communicated. Needs can be cussed and discussed. You must give careful thought to what needs must be fulfilled for you to know you have
a healthy love relationship.

"Expect the best," is certainly a better attitude than the alternative. Some say, "If you always expect the best for your relationship, everything will work out better." This is a myth. It will work out the way it works out and you will be disappointed because it didn't work out the way you expected it to. You don't always get what you expect.

We often expect our love partner to make the best choices for themselves and our relationship and when they are not our choices, we often get angry or disappointed. . . or both. Most people call this situation a problem:
a problem we create by our expectations. Try this: "No expectations, fewer disappointments!" It's that simple. Not easy. . . Simple.

By considering a new point of view, by changing our thinking about expectations, we open ourselves up to whatever good the 'us' of the committed you and me may be working on together at the time. Since
we are detached from the way things need to work out, we may be surprised by the result. Even when we imagine the very best, we are
often surprised, because if there were shades of doubt present in our imaginings, things may turn out better than we imagined – or worse.

Once we learn to identify our own individual, healthy needs, we must also learn not to be attached to the expectation of how those needs get fulfilled. This will always generate lots of surprises. That is when the adventure begins; the adventure the heart was crying for. Surprises create a sense of adventure; surprises you can enjoy together; surprises that create new and exciting possibilities for the two of you to experience.

Some of the surprises may show up as challenges for the relationship. They bring couples together and give them something to share. When two people really love each other and are committed to work together, those kind of surprises create the kind of conversation that empowers both love partners to continue to self-inquire, to investigate their curiosities about what they can do to stand together, to be challenged by the surprise and know that everything is going to be okay.

Problems are not to break us –
Working together on problems makes us strong

While there is something to be said about "expecting the best,"
we must remember that disappointment comes from unfulfilled expectations. This does not mean that when your expectations do not get met, that the results are always bad. It only means that if your expectations don't get met. Disappointment usually follows.

By thinking in terms of needs instead of expectations, we create vulnerability. Having needs with no expectations about how they will be fulfilled causes us to feel vulnerable. We have more to lose because now we know what we want. The outcome is less predictable. There is some risk involved. And we have a responsibility for getting our needs met.

Never give yourself away in the relationship. By "give yourself away,"
I mean making sacrifices that conflict with what you need from the relationship. Never sacrifice your own personal integrity with regard to getting your needs met. The healthier image you have of yourself, the
less likely this will occur.

There is a difference between duty and responsibility. When duty does not meet our needs, it is something to be avoided. For example, if there are children in the relationship you have a responsibility to take care of them. When it feels like duty, you have a responsibility to take care of your need to not have it feel like duty.

We all experience the need to have healthy choices exercised and
when they don't show up in our relationship, we either choose to have conversations about them or not. If the choices are abusive and therefore unacceptable, we begin to think about making a responsible choice to leave the relationship. However, always picking our lover apart because their choices are not the ones we would make can only point the relationship in the wrong direction.

If we could accept the notion that everyone is doing the best they can, regardless of whether their choices are our choices, our attitude about our relationship would improve and perhaps the relationship we have would become the relationship we enjoy being in.

We must learn to distinguish between expectations and needs. Everyone has a need to be loved, to be understood, to be accepted and to be forgiven when necessary. For us to have expectations about how those needs get fulfilled can only cause disappointment.

The number one problem in relationships is undelivered communication. It's the things we don't communicate because the
last time we did, it caused a confrontation, argument, anger, frustration and we want to avoid these feelings so we stuff them. The next thing you know is, your partner didn't take out the garbage and you want a divorce and it's not about the garbage.

In my opinion, the number two problem in relationships revolves around unfulfilled expectations. So, how do you sidestep the disappointment that always comes from unfulfilled expectations? Who wins the "expectations versus needs" dilemma? Needs, of course!
You focus on your needs and make a commitment to never have any undelivered communication about them. Talk about what you need
with your partner. Express your needs with love.  

Again, unfulfilled expectations always cause problems. We often
call things that happen, that cause disappointment, problems. To avoid disappointment or problems. . . as best you can, have no expectations, good or bad. When you have expectations there are never any surprises because the outcome is almost always predictable.

Disappointment follows unfulfilled expectations. The predicaments that follow are predictable. If your relationship is not full of surprises, it
is most likely very boring and may border on being unhealthy. Having healthy needs is a natural and creative attitude to embrace.

It is important to allow your love partner the freedom to fulfill your needs in their own best way. What you can be with in life lets you be! When you know what you need from your relationship and can express those needs to your partner and be okay with allowing them to love you the way they can love you, you will see a shift in your relationship that goes far beyond what you ever could have imagined!

*Copyright © 2011  Adapted from the book by Larry James:
"How to Really Love the One You're With:
Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship”. 

www.celebratelove.com/expectations.htm

  

Just Because – You Are. . .

WHO You Are

I recall a scene from Sylvester Stallone’s last Rocky movie in 2007,
Rocky Balboa. Through circumstances, Rocky had met up with the little girl, Marie, who had once said to him several years earlier, “Screw you, Creepo.” At the time, Rocky was expressing his heartfelt concern about Lil’ Marie’s choices and lifestyle, and where they might lead. Like all of us, Marie had a life to discover for herself and, at the time, she really didn’t understand how much Rocky really cared. And as time would have it,
life goes on. . .

Now it’s some twenty years later and as their platonic friendship develops, Rocky extends a series of kind gestures and opportunities toward Marie and her teenage son. He even offers Marie a hostess job at his restaurant. At one point, Marie says to Rocky, “Why are you being so nice to me – you don’t owe me nothin’?” Rocky replies, “Why do you gotta owe somethin’ just to get somethin’?” In a short period of time, Rocky’s care, friendship, sincerity and appreciation for Marie becomes apparent
to her and a true heartfelt friendship that never was – now is.

 

I get the feeling that our spouses, partners,
loved-ones, friends and associates would truly feel
more loved, cared for and appreciated, IF. . .

We were to just tell them that we love them, care for them, or that we simply appreciate "WHO" they are in our life. . .  And to do that just
"Out of the Blue," for no particular reason, or for any specific occasion – but rather, to do that at any given moment in time,
on any given day.

When we feel (or sense) that we have to "earn" someone’s love, care and appreciation, the love we then receive isn’t nearly as gratifying as when we're loved, cared for and appreciated, just for who we are. Although hopefully well intended, the typical “I Love You” that we often hear from each other at the end of a phone conversation, before we go to work, or before we go to sleep, isn’t nearly as deep and meaningful as an “I Love YOU” that comes from deep within someone’s heart at an unexpected moment. Love is best when it’s spontaneous and free. Perhaps indeed, there’s something about that thought, “The Truth will set you free”. . . perhaps even to Truly Love.

Maybe with just a little effort, each of us can learn how to freely and openly express our love, care and appreciation for our friends, relatives, associates, and even for that “Special Someone” who is a part of our lives. Regardless of our personal “Love Languages,” words are important and communication is essential for loving, meaningful, lasting, healthy
and healing relationships.

Granted, words are just a start. Without the follow-up of “I mean (and
am willing to show you) that I mean what I say – that it’s REAL,” then perhaps our words alone can feel empty. Still, it starts with the Heart. . . and every (one) Heart Matters. For it is said that, “Out of your mouth, proceeds the words from your heart.” In as much, words can fill us or they can empty us  – words can build us up or they can tear us down – words can bring joy or cause sorrow – words can heal or they can destroy. Maybe we should all pray, regularly, “Lord, teach me how to Love.”

I think God knows something about communication. . . maybe that’s why Jesus is referred to as The Word of Life. God wants to personally show us how much He cares and Loves us. His intent is to communicate with each of us, directly, to have a relationship with Him so that we might learn how to communicate with, care for, appreciate and love others. Let’s all consider calling, sending a card, emailing or visiting someone today just to tell them, “I Love You,” or “I appreciate You,” or “I Care for You”. . . “Just Because – You Are. . . WHO You Are.”

Attached below is a link to a truly wonderful short video (3-minutes long) that I'm hoping you'll take the time to watch. It's a true story that really touched my heart and I'm praying it will touch yours, as well.

R Butch David

http://www.appreciationmovie.com/

So, WHY Did That Hurt?

Finding the Root of Our Emotional Wounds 

Sharing an article by Farouk Radwan

I'm recalling from a few years ago, as a close friend was helping me with my Healing Journey. He was there for my first Spiritual Heart Surgery and cared enough that he continued to call me everyday afterward (literally) – for years. Today, we’re very close friends and continue to share our “Journeys of Learning” with each other. By Grace, we have a healthy and healing relationship. That doesn’t mean there hasn’t been some “rough moments” in our relationship. I've come to accept that God allows conflicts and (apparent) obstacles in our relationships to occur so that we have opportunities to learn how to love one another unconditionally and to
learn how to forgive one another from the heart, the way Jesus taught. 

I recall one instance, about two years into my Healing Journey, my friend said something that really irritated me – well, that’s not being completely honest. What he said to me actually “pissed me off” in the biggest way imaginable. So you might be wondering, what did he say that made me so upset? In all truth, it wasn’t what he said because he really didn't make any judgment against me, neither did he condemn me or reject me. All he did was ASK me a question. And, that’s all it took to trigger an old emotional wound – one that I had yet to deal with. 

For the first time in nearly two years, my close friend and I did not speak. He did me call daily, as usual. But, I was so mad that I wouldn’t even take his calls. On the third day I finally called him and we spoke. I was still pretty uptight and I told him how he had hurt me and that I was expecting an apology. After listening to my complaint against him, my friend lovingly asked me another question. He asked, “So, WHY did that hurt?” I got real quiet and then said, “Well, I guess there’s something else in there (in my heart) that I need to take a look at. Are you willing to go there with me?” He said, “Of course I am, I’m here for you – let’s do it.” And so, we took the time to examine my feelings and where the ORIGINAL WOUND came from. From my previous experience with Healing sessions, I knew that we had to get to the “root cause” of my pain. As usual, Forgiveness was going to play a huge part in the Healing of the unhealed hurt that was causing my pain. 

The funny thing is, my friend never did apologize to me for what he said (asked me). In all honestly, I came to accept and realize that he didn’t have to. What he did, which originally upset me so, was simply part of “sharing the truth (with me) in Love.” Perhaps like the song says, “Love hurts.” But then again, even Scripture says, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” (Prov. 27:6) 

In as much, it was Judas who betrayed Christ with a kiss. But it was Jesus who wounded (hurt) Peter when He told him, in advance, about his upcoming betrayal. Yet, Christ loved Peter just as He loves you and me – unconditionally and without expectations. For me, I’m still working on that in my relationships. Following is an article sharing some truth about the need for healing of our past, hidden emotional wounds.

Copan & David

Love hurts. . .
But sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive.
Love sings, when it transcends the bad things.
Have a heart and try me,
'cause without Love I won't survive.
(Incubus)

Healing Emotional Wounds

(By Farouk Radwan)

Are you wounded?

Have you ever tried to put some water on a fresh wound? If you have,
you must have felt some pain. Water, which can never harm you if you were not injured, has just made you feel some pain when it touched
your wound, simply because when we develop a wound we tend
to become over sensitive to factors that didn’t bother us before.

The same goes for emotional wounds: What if you have some emotional wounds that are making you over-sensitive to factors that other people don’t even notice? All of these small things that are bothering you may
be harmless on their own, but they hurt you because they touch your wounds just like the water did.

Emotional Wounds and Emotional Pain

Why do you think you felt that bad when they didn’t call you? Is it because they are bad people? And why wasn’t your friend, whom they also didn’t call, bothered the way you are? It’s because he is not wounded [in that area – rbd]. Your wound in this case may be social approval; you may have been wounded before by people who didn’t approve of you and so whenever someone ignores you again it hurts, not because it should hurt, but because it touched your wound and reminded you of the past rejection.

How many times do you find a girl asking her friends for reassurance of her good looks just after breaking up? Why did she feel pain? Did she love him that much? No, it’s just that she was wounded before. When she was young, people always used to make fun of her because she was too slim; now whenever someone rejects her, she feels bad, not because of the rejection, but because this rejection touched her old wound.

Why do you think a guy may feel broken and devastated when he gets
a rejection letter? Is it because he really wanted the job that much? Not really. If he wanted it that much, he would have felt bad about the rejection but not broken; it’s just that this rejection touched an old wound. As
a child he was seldom encouraged by his parents and so he grew up lacking self-confidence in his abilities. Whenever he gets a rejection letter, he feels much pain, not because of being worried about his future, but because of his old wound that hasn’t yet healed.

Those Wounds Are Making You Vulnerable

Those wounds are making you vulnerable! Things that others usually don’t pay attention to may prevent you from sleeping just because you have some wounds that haven’t healed. The more wounds you have, the more you’ll find that small things bother you and eventually become over-sensitive to every critical comment even if the other person didn’t really mean to offend you.

The more wounds you have the less time you will feel happy, because every now and then, something will touch your wound and make you feel bad, just like the water touches your wounded hand in the example above. Some people think that they can heal their wounds by forgetting about them or by keeping themselves busy, however, this strategy always works against them.

Happiness can’t be really achieved unless you get rid of your emotional wounds or at least start dealing with them. Heal your wounds, face your problems, stop turning your back to them and you will kill depression.

How to Heal These Wounds?

Before you can heal any of these wounds you should first identify their location, or in other words, know the reason behind that wound. Don’t
just be passive; seek your answers and trace your wounds to their origin. If critical comments bother you, then don’t just stay like that. Search the web, read more, think and analyze until you know the root cause and when you finally know the [root –rdb] cause, healing the wound itself becomes much simpler.

Reading in a website like this may let you discover the cause of many
of your wounds and so help you to recover. Remember, if you try to
just escape or forget about these wounds, they aren’t going to leave you alone, they will remind you of their existence with
each rejection, critical comment or whenever you get dumped or ignored. Don’t leave your wounds like that, [let Christ – rbd] heal them and eliminate some of your weak points. 

Love Your Neighbor As Yourself

So WHO, Exactly, is My Neighbor?

Sharing an Article by Keith Giles

Did you ever move into a new neighborhood and wonder what your new neighbors would be like? Sometimes, before we choose our location for living, we try to find out as much as we can. Other times, it may be less significant to us because we really don’t have a choice based upon our employment needs, our income and affordability or other circumstances.

Suppose once we do move in, we discover that our new neighbors aren’t exactly what we’d prefer. Maybe they’re of a different color, or race, or religion. Or, they have a different political mindset than we do. Maybe they don’t drive as nice of a car as we do or keep their yard looking the way we’d like. Or, they’re just too noisy. Maybe, they have friends that are the kind of people we don’t like. Suppose they turn out to be someone who has a different sexual preference than we do.

Well, let me ask the question. . . If your house was burning down and you were in dire need of help, would you give a damn about who your neighbor was then? My guess is at that point, we really wouldn’t care WHO are neighbor is, especially if they were willing to help us. Yeah, I suppose that all of those other preferences which we might have for our neighbors would simply vanish – like the smoke from our burning house.

Following is an article written by author Keith Giles. It made me think about what kind of “neighbor” I would be to MY neighbors. . . And ideally, what if the “neighbor question” really isn’t about who lives next-door to us? But rather, is about EVERY person we come in contact with on any given day – whether we know and associate with them, or not.

Here’s to Loving our Neighbors (people) – regardless of WHO they are.

R Butch David

Who Exactly is My Neighbor

(By Keith Giles*)

In the Gospels, Jesus addresses the Great Command twice. The first time he refers to this, it’s to illustrate how all of the law can be summarized by loving God and loving your neighbor. (Matt 22:34-40) The second time, he expands on the same thought in response to the question, “Who is my neighbor?” (Luke 10:25-37)

In each case, the person who initiated the conversation was a lawyer. In Matthew, the question is asked in order to test Jesus and, possibly, make him look foolish to the crowds who were following him. In the second case, the lawyer asks a different question, “What must I do to inherit eternal life?” but the question is also intended to test Jesus. His response to the lawyer in this second case is to ask the lawyer, “What is written in the Law?” and it is the lawyer who says, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and love your neighbor as yourself.”

To the lawyer Jesus says, "You have answered correctly. Do this and you will live." (v. 28)

But the lawyer isn’t satisfied with this answer. Instead, he wants to “justify himself” (v.29) and so he asks, “So WHO, Exactly, is My Neighbor?” (paraphrased – rbd).

To set this man straight, Jesus tells a parable that most of us know as the Good Samaritan. However, most of what is really going on in this exchange is lost to us today.

What we miss, first, is that Jesus flips the story around so that the person who is in need of mercy and love is the Jew. In effect, he’s saying, “You are walking along a dangerous road and a group of thieves jump out and beat the stuffing out of you. They rob you and leave you laying on the road to die.” Now the person who is in need of mercy isn't “your neighbor”. . . it’s YOU.

The lawyer asked “Who is my neighbor?” because he wanted to know where the line was drawn when it came to showing love to others. Obviously we’re not supposed to just love anyone and everyone, right? God just wants us to love the people who are like us, and who agree with us, right? WRONG.

This is why Jesus chooses the hero of the story to be a Samaritan. They were very much disliked in this day and time by the Jews. For you and I, Jesus might alter the parable to read something like this:

“But an illegal immigrant from Mexico, as he traveled, came where the man was…” Or maybe: "...and when the Muslim man saw him, he took pity on him." Or perhaps: “The homosexual, liberal, democrat went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine.” Or even: “Then the Republican Senator put the man on his own donkey, took him to an inn and took care of him.”

You see, it doesn’t matter really. You probably know already what person – or persons – Jesus would insert into your version of the parable if he were telling it to you. Maybe it’s a member of a political party, or an ethnic group, or someone who doesn’t share your family values. Who knows? God does. And He expects you to see that person as your neighbor, and therefore, someone worthy of love and compassion.

At the end of the parable, Jesus asks, “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of the robbers?” (v. 36) The lawyer cannot even bring himself to say the word ‘Samaritan’, he only says, “The one who had mercy on him.”

Here, the point is, that when we are the ones laying in the ditch, we really stop caring who comes to help us – we just want someone to show us a little human kindness. That’s why Jesus flips the story around. He wants us to understand that color, and politics, and differences of opinion mean nothing when it comes right down to it. Love is our calling, and we have no excuses in God’s eyes when it comes to who deserves to be loved.

One of my all-time favorite verses in the New Testament is 1Corinthians 6:9-11 which says: “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.”

That sounds pretty harsh, doesn’t it? And it might be if Paul didn’t add the very next sentence. Just about the time everyone is making a fist and getting ready to slam it down to say, “That’s right!” he adds:

“And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”

See that? The church in Corinth was composed of former adulterers, sexual deviants, male prostitutes, idolaters, homosexual offenders, thieves, drunks, grifters, liars and sinners. Yet, somehow all of them managed to receive the love of Jesus without feeling condemned or ashamed. Instead, they were all loved and washed and set apart for the work of the Gospel and justified by the same, loving Jesus.

Apparently they had forgotten this fact. Paul had to remind them who they were when they were called. Maybe we need to stop and remember who we were when we first came to Jesus, too?  

“Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many
of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.” 

(1Corinthians 1:26-31)

*www.subversive1.blogspot.com

  

Thoughts from the PEACEFUL WARRIOR

(Based on a true story by Dan Millman - Copyright 2007 Universal Picture Studios)

For me, I first saw the film Peaceful Warrior in the Summer of 2008, about 3-months into my Healing Journey. Along with the book, Wild at Heart by author John Eldredge, I felt that God was intending to use these resources to help me understand some things that I needed to learn.

So, I guess if the Lord can use a jackass to talk to a man (Balaam), then He can use whatever He chooses, in addition to His Holy Word, to speak to us. Perhaps the real question is: “Are we listening?” To quote the music artist, Sting, “This is an inspiring film that could change lives.”

Following are some direct quotes from the movie, Peaceful Warrior, starring Nick Nolte. I hope you both enjoy them and are enlightened.

R Butch David

 

“NOT KNOWING” is the FIRST REALIZATION
of a Peaceful Warrior.

Knowledge is NOT the same as Wisdom –
Wisdom is actually DOING what you know and applying it.

Questions to ask yourself:  1) Are you happy?
2) Why can’t you sleep at night?

Start asking BETTER questions. . .

Start gathering information from inside of yourself,
find your own answers from within.

People are afraid of what’s inside – and that’s the only place
they’re going to find what they need.

You will learn to use your mind and body in ways that
most people would never have the courage to.

People are NOT their thoughts – they think they are,
and it brings them all kinds of sadness.
Our thoughts don’t necessarily reveal ANYTHING about us.

SERVICE – There is NO HIGHER PURPOSE.

What your life is truly about, is learning the Wisdom to apply:
The Right Leverage – In the Right Place – At the Right Time.

Take out the TRASH in your MIND. . .
Learn to THROW OUT everything that you DON’T NEED.

The TRASH is the only thing that is keeping you from
EXPERIENCING this moment: HERE and NOW.

When you are truly in the Here and Now –
you’ll be amazed at what you can do and accomplish,
and how well you can do it.

Maybe you never really LISTENED before.

Don’t be in the past “gloating” (over some apparent victory) or
“hurting” (over some apparent defeat). Be in the NOW – LIVING.

Become 100% devoted to the “experience” you are having
right now, at the moment – Empty your Mind.

Get out of YOUR MIND to pay attention to EVERYTHING
that is “Going On.” There is never NOTHING going on.

Sometimes you have to lose your mind –
before you can come to your senses. 

Do not worry about what “did happen, might happen
or could happen.” Clear your mind to be flawless.

All you truly have is RIGHT NOW. . .

When you let your emotional thoughts control you –
you will act like a JACKASS.

Pay attention to the “SCARY MOMENTS” – FEEL THEM.

What are you holding on to, that’s in YOUR WAY?
Let go of your “Negative Self-Image” – It’s NOT REAL.

Emotions are natural – like the passing weather.

Everything has a purpose, even tragedy in one’s life –
it’s up to you to find it (that purpose).

The people that are the hardest to love,
are usually the ones who need it the most.

There are NO ORDINARY MOMENTS –
There’s ALWAYS something happening.

The HABIT is the problem – all you need
to do is to be CONSCIOUS about your CHOICES
and RESPONSIBLE for your ACTIONS.

  A Warrior does NOT give up what they love –
You must find the LOVE in WHAT YOU DO.

A Warrior ACTS – a Fool REACTS.

A Warrior is NOT about perfection or victory, or invulnerability.
He is about ABSOLUTE VULNERABILITY –
That’s the ONLY true courage.

You don’t surrender your dreams, you surrender the one thing
you never have and you never will – CONTROL.

Accept that you may, or may not, achieve what you desire –
and that YOU ARE SOMETHING EXCEPTIONAL, either way.

A Warrior DOES what they love, regardless of the outcome.
Winning or losing is INSIGNIFICANT
when you are DOING WHAT YOU LOVE.

The Journey itself is what is significant,
NOT what you Find at the end of it.

The Journey is what brings us happiness –
NOT the Destination.

Make EVERY moment – about THAT MOMENT.

True happiness can only come from within – Not from without.

 

Why Do We Need Healing?

Who. . . Me?

 

Sharing an article by Ken Unger

To quote the Book of Jeremiah 30:12-13: "This is what the LORD says: 'Your wound is incurable, your injury beyond healing. There is no one to plead your cause, no remedy for your sore, no healing for you’.” I’ve come to accept that the “wound” God is referring to is that of a broken heart. Afterall, there is no surgery, therapy or medicine available that can CURE that kind of wound. It’s something only Christ can do, WHEN we see our need to be healed. And, as I’ve mentioned before –
"It would seem that God often allows and creates a need within us, before He willingly fills (Heals) it."

When we’ve been hurt by someone, the emotional wounds we receive will often result in a broken heart. In my own healing journey, I’ve come to recognize and acknowledge just how badly I had been wounded during my lifetime. Fortunately, God brought me to the place where I could no longer deny the pain and infection from my past hurts that had been building up (tearing me down) for so many years. And, not only were those hidden, past, heartfelt wounds affecting me personally, but they were also affecting my relationships with others and the choices in life that I was making.

Prior to beginning my Healing Journey in Christ, I never knew just how blind I was. Not only regarding my own woundedness, but also in regard
to seeing the effects of a broken heart within others. To make my point –
if you never had the measles, than you probably wouldn’t recognize the symptoms in someone who does. But once you’ve had that infection, you can easily spot that sickness in others, because “you’ve been there.” Yes indeed, for a while I was truly blind. Not only did I have “eyes, but could not see” – “ears, but could not hear” – and “a heart that didn’t understand,” there were also many other “symptoms” of my wounds and brokenness.

Following is a list of symptoms that people tend to have when they’re suffering from a broken and wounded heart. And truly, I’m not providing this information to “point the finger” at anyone in particular. But when it came to my own past woundedness, I recall having a number of these symptoms, prior to beginning my Healing Journey in Christ. I found the information while I was researching How Forgiveness affects our ability to Heal. You can find the entire article on Forgiveness, Healing and Transformation at www.annemurchison.com/forgiveness.htm

Here's a direct excerpt from the article written by Anne Murchison:
 

In the table below we see just a few of the poisonous fruit of unforgiveness* [*symptoms of a broken heart - rbd] in no particular order of importance. They are all devastating to our relationships with God and one another.

Bitterness                        Resentment            Unbelief          Impatience

Hopelessness                  Rebellion                 Tension          Passivity

Being Judgmental             Negativism              Self-Pity         Anxiety

Self-Righteousness           Selfishness             Gossip           Racism

Broken Relationships        Rejection                 Criticism        Pride

Chronic Unmet Needs       Addictions               Deception       Rigidity

Punishing Silence             Frustration               Legalism        Adultery

Perfectionism                   Manipulation            Sarcasm        Divorce

Physical Abuse                Verbal Abuse           Isolation         Control

Loneliness                        Backbiting               Whining         Hatred

Some Depression              Some Sickness       Jealousy        Rage

Shallowness in Relationships                            Despair          Blame

Dishonesty with Self, Others & God      Withholding of Love and Affection

Insensitivity to Self, Others & God         Lying to Self, Others & God

These are not endearing qualities nor are they easy to live with in others
or ourselves. Unforgiveness is fertile soil for their propagation and growth. God's Love and Forgiveness are our only hope and remedy for a broken heart, a shattered life and a wicked world.

So when we see all of this “stuff” going on, what are we to do? Well, I’ve personally experienced that each of us needs to come to that place of hearing Jesus ask: “Do YOU want to get well?” You see sometimes it IS about us, and our personal need for Healing through Heartfelt Forgiveness. And sometimes, the first person we need to Forgive. . . is ourselves. You just can’t give to others what you don’t have and possess within yourself.

The following article is part of a monthly newsletter* which is published by Ken Unger. After being introduced by Dan Copan and then talking with him on the phone, I first met Ken when I attended a Transformational Healing Retreat with Dan back in May of 2008. Ken and Dan have been close friends for nearly thirty years now and have been working on Dan’s own Transformational Healing Journey for over twenty years.

In Dan’s own words, “Ken personally showed me a love and concern that
I had not experienced before. I felt he really accepted me and listened to me as I gradually opened up and shared the painful hurts of my past with him. His true friendship simplified the Healing Process for me and made it accessible. Despite my own previous religious mindset and background, Ken helped undo the “religious shoulding process” and helped bring me
to a healing place in Christ through his true unconditional love. Similarly,
I feel that Jesus did the same thing. He abolished religion and established relationships – in Love.”

And wouldn’t you know it. . . it was Dan Copan who brought what he had received and learned, through Ken and others, to me. I get the feeling that just like when you throw a stone in a pond – True Unconditional Love has a ripple effect. Once we receive and experience it, it goes on and on. Yes indeed. . . “Love Never Fails!”

Copan & David

Why Do We Need Healing?

(By Ken Unger)

I once wondered that. The whole healing quest evolved from my journey of leading spiritual growth retreats and finding ways to help my counselees get healthier. When it happened, I felt it was a diversion from my calling to equip the church to make disciples through learning how to love God and one another.

Then I saw the amazing results in churches where I led Transformational Healing Seminars and realized how badly God wanted His people healed. Only healed people could risk the radical love necessary to become true disciple makers. Those churches that embraced this usually doubled in 

a matter of months as the fire of God’s awesome love began to radiate, shine and warm the surrounding community. One pastor told me this seminar changed his whole city!

Only later did I discover how deeply rooted such healing is in the purposes of God. Biblical names reveal a person’s calling and destiny. Jesus name means salvation, for He will “save us from our sins.” Christ’s name shows us how He does that. Christ means Messiah, which in turn means "the Anointed." What was Jesus anointed for? To heal the broken, liberate the bruised, free the captives, bring good news to the poor, the year of Jubilee that releases us from our spiritual debts, and restoration of sight to the blind. (Isaiah 61:1 and Luke 4:18)

I’ve seen all those things happen and more through Transformational Healing. People are sufficiently humbled to ask forgiveness. They’re often adequately convinced of God’s love for them even at their worst depravity that they can freely accept His love without feeling they must deserve it. This frees them from judgmentalism to truly love others, risk rejection, go the second mile and find compassion for the hurting, even those who have wronged them. It liberates them to care about the things God cares about: loving Him above all and their neighbors as themselves. In other words, it transforms them enough that they can now make disciples. And that’s why we're here. Unless we are doing that we will never experience the abundant life He came to give us.

Is healing necessary? Yes. Without it, most people will never be able to truly follow the Spirit.  A better question is what are you waiting for? Find 

a way to bring healing to yourself and your church. It will change your life, your church and maybe even your city like nothing else ever can. It’s why Jesus is the Christ.

*You can receive a free subscription to Ken’s newsletters by emailing him at KenRUnger@aol.com and putting the word “NEWSLETTER” in the email subject line.

    

Only The Losers

But, Are WE Really in Need?

Sharing an Article by Keith Giles

I recall the words I saw on the T-shirt of a guy who was in a hardcore “Death-Metal” band, some 15-years ago. On the front of the shirt it said, “What a Bunch of Losers.” On the back of the shirt it said:

How foolish are those

that worship such a King,

Who was hung on a Cross – 

Between two thieves!

Ever feel foolish, or maybe like you were some kind of “LOSER”? Well, wait a minute – No Way! Not me, and certainly not you. Afterall, you’re my friend and besides, the Holy Bible says we’re both “New Creations in Christ” – right? So, let's do our best to “leave the past behind and press on.” Yep, we put on our best clothes and a happy face and we go about life.

Now in reality, it would seem that the “true character” of a man or woman is not how we are when people are watching and everything’s going just fine. But rather, how we are (truly feeling) when no one is watching and nothing seems to be going right in our lives. Perhaps we might consider how we feel and act when things aren’t going the way we would like them to, according to “our plans, hopes, dreams and expectations.”

Unfortunately, all of us have endured some painful experiences in life, and no one is exempt. Some of those hurts, wounds and consequences were brought about by our own choices. Sometimes, it’s what other people have done that has had a negative impact upon us. And yet, some of us seem to handle the negativity in life a little better than others.

A close friend once said to me, “Man, I just don’t know how you do it. You keep getting in these (emotional) car crashes and then you get up, dust yourself off and walk away like NOTHING happened.” At the time, I felt good about him saying that, but it WASN’T a compliment. My friend saw the heartfelt wounds of life taking their toll on me, and unfortunately I didn’t. Perhaps, I was truly Blessed when God stopped the “car crashes” and then finally just “dropped a mountain on me.” I think it was at that point that I eventually heard God say. . . “STAY DOWN.” Yes indeed, the Lord loved me enough to finally CRUSH me. In reality, I finally came to that place of saying, “I give up, Lord – have Your Way with me.” So, I must confess. . . I became a “Loser.”

Perhaps in “His Ways being Higher than our ways,” God allows some hurtful things to happen to all of us for a reason. I believe that reason is, ultimately, His desire for Transformation in our individual hearts and lives. I think Paul the Apostle knew something about “being a Loser.” Prior to his Transformational Journey in Christ, Paul (Saul) was truly “on top of his game.” He openly shared his accomplishments (and previous [wounded] pride) in the Book of Philippians – “. . . though I myself have reasons
for such confidence. If anyone else thinks he has reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for legalistic righteousness, faultless.” (Phil. 3:4-6)  Well, Paul previously WAS an obvious “Winner.”

But, as Paul continues in verses 7-8, he writes, “But whatever was to
my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things.
I consider them RUBBISH, that I may gain Christ.” (Phil. 3:7-8)  Well,
I guess it happened – Paul became a “Loser” in Christ.

For King David, the Lord allowed him to make some choices that would eventually bring him down. And, it was in David’s acceptance of the Lord’s loving him enough to crush him, that he wrote, “It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.” (Psalm 119:71)

As Job was experiencing extreme tribulation in his life, he wrote, "Oh, that I might have my request, that God would grant what I hope for, that God would be willing to crush me, to let loose his hand and cut me off!” (Job 6:8-9)  As I researched this last verse, I noted the “exclamation point” – it’s in EVERY version of the Bible, going back to the original King James. Seems to me that Job "was cryin’ out loud,” just a bit – Hmmm.

Even Naomi is noted as saying, "Don't call me Naomi," she told them. "Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but the LORD has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The LORD has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me." (Ruth 1:20-21) 

Hmmm – again. I’m not sure how you feel, but I’m starting to like this list of “Losers.” Maybe with some of the unfortunate experiences I’ve had in my life, God actually loves me, too. So, how about you? Do you see God’s Loving Hand of Kindness at work in your life? Following, is an article I received from a fellow “Loser,” which was written by Keith Giles. May the Truth be told and shared – Glory to God!  And take heart – The Lord Loves each of us so much, that He’s not done with any of us – just yet.

R Butch David

Only The Losers

(By Keith Giles – www.subversive1.blogspot.com)

Only the broken can know the unending joy that comes from being re-formed [transformed - rbd] again into something beautiful. Only the hopeless can experience the astounding relief that comes from being rescued at the last moment. Only the poor can understand what it feels like to receive that undeserved gift of mercy, or food, or rent. Only the losers appreciate the fact that they have been given a trophy that they know they could ever earn on their own.

This is the Kingdom of God. It is scandalously inclusive. It runs against the grain of fairness and tramples on our sense of equality.

Jesus came announcing the Good News that the Kingdom of God was wide open. Anyone could enter it on the spot. However, there were a few conditions. His Sermon on the Mount outlined the requirements for seeing and entering the Kingdom of God. “Blessed are the poor. Blessed are the meek. Blessed are those who mourn.”

As John Fischer points out, when it comes to the Kingdom of God – “Proud people don't get in. Rich people don't get in. Successful people don't get in. Self-righteous people don't get in. Happy people don't get in. Competent people don't get in. And it's more than just getting in. People like this don't even see it. They don't know what
it is. They can't. They are blinded by their own sufficiency.”

This is why Jesus proclaimed that it was not for those who are well that he came, but for those who are sick. It was not for the righteous that he came, but for the sinners who were desperate for salvation and
had no way of measuring up without a Messiah who was full of mercy.
(Luke 5:31-32)

I love the account in the Gospel of John (Chapter 9) where Jesus heals
a man born blind. The entire chapter chronicles a kangaroo court where the Pharisees attempt to get at the bottom of this miracle (which Jesus decided to perform on the Sabbath, of course). Throughout the chapter there is a fascinating juxtaposition of the physical blindness the beggar experienced and the spiritual blindness of the Pharisees. At the end of
the chapter, Jesus says, “For judgment I came into this world, that those who do not see may see, and those who see may become blind.” (John 9:39) Hearing this, some of the Pharisees asked him,
“Are we also blind?” Jesus said to them, “If you were blind, you would have no guilt; but now that you say, ‘We see,’ your guilt remains.” (John 9:40-41)

See? Those who know that they are blind [wounded/brokenhearted - rbd] receive sight [healing - rbd]. Those who pretend that they can see are without hope because if they would simply admit that they were in need of Jesus, He would reach out and heal them.

  

Sinners Make Better Lovers

Sharing an Article by Ken Unger*

Some churches make it seem as if the goal of Christianity is to make
us holy. My problem is, the harder I tried the worse I became. Then I remembered why I liked Jesus in the first place. He is the sinner’s
best Friend.

Jesus hung out with some tawdry characters – people who ate and drank too much, shady businessmen and even women of questionable repute. He seemed more comfortable with sinners than “saints.” When a religious leader invited him to dinner, a woman (The Message Bible calls her the "town harlot") knelt at his feet, kissing and washing them with her tears. Behind his back, the religious leaders wondered why he didn’t know what kind of woman she was.

Jesus knew what they were thinking and asked his host a poignant question. “Who would be more grateful,” he asked, “someone who was forgiven a huge debt or a small one?” His host said he guessed the person who was forgiven a large one would be more appreciative. Jesus then pointed out that his host had done nothing to refresh him, while this woman had not ceased to do all she could to make him comfortable and to show her gratitude. He then said, “Those who are forgiven much, love much.” The religious people didn’t get it, grumbling amongst themselves at the audacity of one who felt he could forgive sins.

I recently spoke with a Christian single mom about helping her kids make good decisions. It’s a real challenge. Often, we well-meaning Christians ride our kids so hard they feel they must mess up their lives just to break free. I shared with her a scripture I love – one I never heard a sermon on: “Be not overly righteous, nor be overly wise. Why should you destroy yourself?” (Ecclesiastes 7:16)

Shocking, isn’t it? How can being too righteous destroy us? When she asked me that, I reminded her of a great Christian leader whose dynamic seminars packed out auditoriums for years, but the weight of unrealistic expectations caught up to him. His brother fell into adultery, rumors surfaced of financial irregularities, and the ministry was discredited. Perfectionism is a killer. We can try so hard to be good that we put ourselves under “the law of sin and death.” We get trapped in religious bondage, creating a downward spiral that leads us into deeper depravity.

You see, God’s goal isn’t to make us perfect in the way that we commonly think. When the Bible calls us to be perfect, the word for ‘perfect’ means whole and complete. The goal of the law is to be perfect as our heavenly Father is perfect – perfect in our Love for sinners and saints alike.
We can easily miss the true goal of the law and settle for petty behavior modification. Eternal life is more than that. It prepares us for eternity. Heaven wouldn’t be heavenly if it were packed with groups of gossiping religious prudes.

Sin hurts us, and that’s why God wants to free us from it. But Love is the prevailing lifestyle of God’s Kingdom. John Wesley, who had the strictest doctrine on perfection of any theologian rightly taught that biblical perfection is perfect love. All God’s laws point to Love because God is Love and He created us to be like Him.

A dear friend once taught me a sweet little camp song: “Heaven is, a
wonderful place, filled with, glory and grace, I wanna see my Savior’s
face, heaven is a wonderful place, I wanna be there.” What makes
heaven wonderful? Love! Not only God’s love, but incredible love from everyone else as well. That’s why Jesus’ vignette about the town harlot makes so much sense. That’s why His reputation as a wine bibber and friend of sinners draws me. I don’t know about you but I have sinned
much. I have a great debt that is forgiven daily. I need grace, again
and again, and I need to somehow reconnect with God’s Love every day of my life.

Sadly, such a message is more often heard in new age churches and cults than in Christ’s Church. Churchianity majors in minors and minors in majors. If we could change that, the world would beat a path
to our door.

I once envisioned a church where love reigned supreme, every Christian ministered, and retreats and small groups were committed to love, spiritual growth and nurture. I soon realized I was not called to pastor such a church, but to write and lead retreats and seminars that helped churches do that. I eventually gave up on ever finding a church like that. . . perhaps the most successful churches will show that the goal of the church
is to equip people to love sinners and one another [unconditionally and without judgment – rbd].

A favorite seminary professor used to say, “The world has a right
to look at the church and see Love. Where they don’t, they can conclude that the church doesn’t exist.”

Love is God’s goal for us. It’s far more difficult and immeasurably more blessed than lining up doctrinal ducks and getting everyone to appear squeaky clean.  It’s what brings God’s Kingdom to earth. And when that happens, you can’t keep people away. That’s why Jesus is the friend of sinners. And boy, am I ever glad he is! We sinners really do make better lovers.

*  Ken R. Unger is known as America's Soul Doctor. His new book,
The Ultimate Breakthrough – Spiritual Therapy for Emotional Pain actually heals emotional pain. You can purchase the book online by clicking on this link: http://transformationincorporated.com/
 
You can learn more about the book and Ken by clicking on this link:
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyGa79NOwBY