Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch – Changes in Relationships

No. . . YOU Go First!

(Sharing an Article by Laura Schenck, M.A.)

Recently, I posted the following 1HeartMatters “Thought for the Day”
on Facebook which stated:

The inability to selflessly give yourself over to another person, is the ultimate relationship downfall. No matter how much you may try to ignore it, there's no escaping its fate. If you don't give your friend, your partner, power to change you, I don't think you love them, and your unconscious knows that. Your soul knows that. (Richard Rohr)

Now, although I often do agree with much of what author Richard Rohr shares in his articles, interviews and books, there are some things I don’t necessarily agree with. The reality of being human is that no one person is always right – nor are they always left. There is a sense of both “good and bad/right and wrong” in all of us. And that’s okay, because each and every one of us is. . . VALID.

In regards to the above quote, I feel the part about “If you don’t give
your friend/partner ‘power to change you’. . .” is really somewhat unrealistic and misleading (unless of course we’re speaking about our individual relationships with Jesus Christ). The relational reality is. . . if we’re thinking that it’s “our job or responsibility” to change another person – LET ME KNOW HOW THAT WORKS OUT FOR YOU. . . because truly, IT’S NOT!

All too often, we consciously (or subconsciously) enter into relationships with the naïve thinking that we CAN CHANGE our partners. And honestly, my experiences in life have taught me otherwise. People “are who they are” and change ONLY occurs when an individual really WANTS to change – NOT when WE desire it, or require it. The only power we have for change is within ourselves, not within someone else.

I, personally, have found that my relationships with others are far more rewarding and loving when I can accept others for who they are –
right where they’re at in their own Journey of Life. . . without any expectations of who, or how, I WANT THEM TO BE. And, I have a Peace and Comfort in knowing (in my Heart) that my relationship with that person is "real and genuine". . . and that it's far less self-serving, selfish, manipulative and controlling, on my part.

Relationships are not “jobs” in which we need to perform to some level in order to keep them. Loving relationships are an agreement by which we, hopefully, enter into willingly with a desire to Love one another unconditionally and without expectations. So, if we’re looking for a REAL CHANGE to occur, perhaps that “change” needs to come from within each of us, first. As author Ken Unger says, “Nothing changes. . . until I do.”  

Following is the article from Laura Schenck.

R Butch David

Stop Trying to Change Your Partner

Change YOUR Attitude, Instead

(By Laura Schenck, M.A.)

“Our capacity to make peace with another person
and with the world, depends very much on
our capacity to make peace with ourselves.” 

(Thich Nhat Hanh)

Relationships naturally go through various stages of development and changes over time as couples transition between romance, conflict, and resolution. Quite often, the same qualities that served as powerful early attractors toward your partner later become perceived as sources of discontent. The expectation for long-term relationships to remain entrenched in blissful romance, without any negotiation of needs/expectations or commitment to growth as a couple is unrealistic. It is when we start to view these natural relationship transitions as threatening and absolve ourselves of responsibility that a problematic
relationship cycle can intensify.

While there are certainly a host of serious issues that can plague the core of any relationship, it is often the case that problems begin to appear larger than they truly are due to the attitude that WE take toward them, the responsibility that WE assume for the role WE play in the relationship dynamic, and the meaning or interpretation that WE assign (consciously or otherwise) to our partners’ behaviors.

It is important to recognize that when you enter into a romantic relationship with another individual, you bring with you a large body of personal values, goals, expectations, personality traits, and temperament that are all your own. Your partner is not responsible for the way that you were raised, your past relationship history, your belief system, or your sense of yourself as an individual. A relationship is the connection of two separate individuals who come together in the hopes
of finding compatibility, sharing hopes/dreams, finding love/support, and building a life together rich with shared meaning and purpose.

Many relationship expectations are artifacts from your own history that you may be unwittingly bringing into your current partnership. For example, if your parent or previous partner(s) always did something like take out the trash, cook dinner, or pick their socks up off the floor, the absence of these habits in your current partner may stand out to you as being much more important than someone who was not “taught” to have these expectations in relationships.

The idea is that we learn through repeated experiences with our parents and romantic partners what to expect (and not expect)
from current relationships. Awareness of these expectations can be
an important step toward developing compassion for your partner and releasing expectations that may not be all that important in the
grand scheme of things. When expectations go unmet that truly are non-negotiable in your mind, the onus is on you to directly communicate those needs.

If you find yourself navigating through what feels like a conflict stage of your relationship, take a few moments to mindfully step back and look at the big picture. Take stock of what other factors in each of your individual and shared lives may be contributing to your sense of distress. Consider ways in which that distress can be transformed into a form of fulfillment that strengthens your relationship. If you truly want to work through the conflict in your relationship, you must be willing to clearly state your needs/expectations. . . [with a willingness to let go of any expectations that may be unrealistic and/or harmful to your relationship, as a whole – rbd] and then be willing to leave the relationship if you reach a point where it becomes clear that compromise cannot be reached.

During times of external stress, it is easy for judgments to become clouded and to direct negativity toward yourself, your partner, and the relationship. Rather than express your stress by labeling and judging each and every thing your partner does and doesn’t do, imagine what it would be like to focus on the things that you can do differently to bring about the playfulness, love, compromise, and harmony in your relationship. Unwillingness to reflect on the role that you play in creating the relationship dynamic has the potential of prematurely ending a relationship and ultimately trading one set of relationship problems for a “new” set of problems with another partner.

If you truly want to stay in your relationship, it is clear that things must change. Rather than focusing immediately on all the ways in which your partner could change, try starting with yourself. You may be surprised by the power that changing your attitude, perspective, and behaviors can actually have on influencing your authentic emotions in the relationship, as well as indirectly “changing” your partner for the better. Make the choice to put “we” before “me” in the relationship and notice the consequences.

Remember that if you look for something long enough and persistently enough, you’re quite likely to find some evidence to confirm your hypotheses about “what kind of person” your partner may or may not be. In fact, expecting negative qualities from your partner and being reluctant to give them the benefit of the doubt may even lead to confirmation that you were “right” after all, simply because your partner became increasingly influenced by YOUR attitudes and judgments.

When you choose to focus on what you’re getting in a relationship, as opposed to what you’re giving, resentment and frustration may naturally build. No matter how irritating your partner’s behavior may be in the moment, remember that your interpretation of that behavior and the meaning that you assign to it plays a powerful role in determining a positive or negative outcome.

http://www.mindfulnessmuse.com/interpersonal-relationships/stop-trying-to-change-your-partner-change-your-attitude-part-one