1HeartMatters: Efficiency vs. Love

When "Working" Relationships Still Fail

(Sharing a Video Series by Andy Stanley)

In a part-time job that I’ve recently taken on, I’ve had the pleasure of meeting over sixty people. The thing I appreciate most about my work is the people that I work with. I know each of them by name and have made it a priority to talk with them every day that I’m there. As we’ve gotten to know each other, some of these new friends have opened up about their personal lives and I’ve made it a point to practice listening. As a friend once shared with me, I’ve also found that most people are just looking for someone who cares enough and is willing. . . to LISTEN.

On more than one occasion, some of my new friends have referred to me as “The Relationship Expert.” However, as Forrest Gump would say, “Now, I don’t know much about thaaat.” They’ve even told others that they should speak with me and get my advice. And quite honestly, I’ve come to believe that I’m really not in a position to give anyone advice. So, as we talk about our personal lives, I simply share what I’ve been learning on my own Journey of Life, as I’m given the opportunity.

To set the record straight, I’m really NOT an “Expert” at anything.
Like you, I only know what I’ve personally experienced and, hopefully,
am learning along the way. After two failed marriages, I’m certainly not qualified as a “Relationship Expert.” I mean, if I had all this “Healthy Relationship Stuff” down, I’d probably never have gotten divorced in the first (or second) place, right? Yes I know, it does “take two to Tango.” Yet, because of those past experiences, I have endeavored to study relationships more closely. In as much, what makes them “work”
and what doesn’t. So, I guess these experiences in my own Journey have caused a desire within me to become a “Relationship Student.” And truly, in the “Journey of Learning,” I have a long way to go. . .

My first marriage didn’t last that long and really wasn’t all that “Healthy” from the get-go. Two young, wounded and naïve people who had a lot of “expectations” – and that’s a subject we’ll get to, shortly. I did learn that in order to move on, in a Healthy and Healing Way, it was necessary
for me to take a look at that with a sincere willingness to Forgive. And
on my end, that Forgiveness had to be extended to both to my ex-partner, and also to myself.

Now, my second marriage was a relationship of nearly 18-years. In the “School of Life,” the opportunities which were present there afforded a lot to be learned – mostly about myself and “why I do the things I do.” Perhaps, all of us could benefit from “looking in the mirror,” rather than pointing our finger at our (ex) partners as we play the “Blame Game.” But then again, that’s a decision that each of us gets to make, IF we are willing to go there. As I’ve often quoted from author Ken Unger, “Nothing changes until I change.”

What had really surprised me (and perhaps, only me), at the time of
the breakup of this marriage, was how the relationship APPEARED to be “working” on several levels. You see, over the course of many years, my wife and I had developed a real “Efficiency” when it came to “getting things done.” What I’m saying is that “we seemed to work well together.” Yes together, we worked at this and accomplished that, and a lot of cards appeared to be falling into place as the years went on. And, the best I can figure is that this "working" mindset of "Efficiency" had somehow become the priority in our relationship, rather than what really mattered. And truly, without placing any blame, I'm not saying
that this is what either of us really wanted, rather it's just where the relationship had gone. . . because something else was missing.

Unfortunately, like most failed relationships, our marriage lacked. . . Unconditional Love. I’m not saying that we didn’t love each other at some level – I feel we did. Although in looking back, it seemed that
(over time) each of us became more committed to the “Marriage” than we were to “Truly Loving” each other, unconditionally – and THAT too, was part of the “work.” In reality, each of us had “expectations” as to how things should really be. And, regardless of how well things “seemed” to be “efficiently working” – with our goals, plans, dreams and acquisitions, the reality was that the Love we shared was simply disintegrating over the years. I’ve often said, when it comes to our own personal woundedness, “Time doesn’t Heal, but it does reveal. . .”

The truth is, each of us brought many unresolved and unhealed hurts (baggage) into our relationship that we were simply unable and/or unwilling to deal with in a Healthy and Healing Way. And the reality was, neither of us knew how to FIX it. So, perhaps our work
of “Efficiency” was also part of our escape from the pain which each
of us carried in our Hearts. And I've concluded, those are the things (emotional wounds) that needed to be Healed before we could do
a little more than giving our “crummy best” in trying to make a relationship really "work".

You see, I’ve come to learn that having an “Efficient Marriage” – one
in which we accomplish all these “things” and acquire all this “stuff” simply won’t make up for a relationship that lacks Unconditional Love. And truly, I’m talking about a Love that never fails. Here are some thoughts from Andy Stanley that seem to ring true with what I’m trying
to share:

- Promises and Vows (Commitments) don’t make us capable
or able, they just make us accountable.

- When you become accountable for something you’re
not capable of doing, you become miserable.

- Just because we make a promise to someone, doesn’t mean
we have the ability to “pull it off.”

- When you commit to something you can’t do,
the Promise is worthless.

- Without our individual willingness to look at our past
and change [often, Healing is necessary - rbd], it’s likely that
our future will be a mere reflection of our past.

What I’ve learned is that Love has to come first, and everything else needs to come second, or even last. But again, to quote Ken Unger, “Asking someone with a broken heart to truly Love others, is like asking someone with a broken leg to get up and run – it just won’t happen until you get it healed.”

Having experienced that, personally, I’ve come to accept that I really can’t give to someone else that which I don’t feel or have within myself. And the things that really matter – like Love, Compassion and Forgiveness, need to come from a Higher Place. As a close friend often says, “Without our willingness to Forgive from the Heart, as Jesus taught, we’ll have no capacity to Truly Love one another – unconditionally.” (Dan Copan)

Enclosed is a 3-Part Video Series (on YouTube) from Andy Stanley.

He shares some really great insights as to how our “relationship expectations” can contribute to a less than healthy, happy, committed relationship and marriage. I’m hoping you’ll take the time to watch the series, as I’ve been doing. For me, personally, this enlightening and positive message, by Andy, is really some “powerful stuff” when it comes to my wanting to “get things right” in my future relationships. As I’ve often shared before, it really takes two people who are in “Agreement” to make something work, in a Healthy and Healing Way. And, perhaps as it’s said. . . “All things in due time. . .”

To Your Journey and My Journey. . . with Love,

R Butch David

Here are the video links, if you feel like going there (each Video is about 20-min. in length):

Part-1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-Z-WeQkYKk