Overcoming Relationship Problems

How Can I Be ME. . . When You're Being YOU!

(Sharing an Article by Steven Stosny)

You know. . . sometimes, we can see it coming and sometimes we simply can’t. And then, there are times we can openly acknowledge the truth (that is, reality) and other times we simply DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT.
I guess it truly depends upon where we’re at in our own Journey of Life. Ideally (we hope), that Journey is leading all of us to a Destination that provides Healing, Wholeness, Peace and True Heartfelt Joy. But,
I also think it’s in how we get there that can make a real difference. . .
even if only to each of us, individually.

A Case in Point

After my first (short-term) marriage ended in divorce, I recall talking
with my eldest Brother. He openly acknowledged how unhealthy that relationship appeared to him and that he knew it wouldn’t last. When I questioned (challenged?) him about WHY he never said anything in the first place, he simply replied, “Well, for a few reasons. . . One – you weren’t asking for my opinion; Two – you wouldn’t have listened, because you already had your mind made up; And Three – I loved you too much to start telling you how to live your life.”

When asked for advice, another long-time, close and rather wise friend of mine usually says. . . “Do what you want – you’re going to anyway.” And honestly, I’ve learned the hard way that “sometimes the only way to really figure some things out (for ourselves) – is that WE NEED TO GO THROUGH IT. . .” And let’s just HOPE that we’re NOT going “through it” over and over, again. As it is, one of my favorite lines from the movie “The Sting” (1973 with Robert Redford) has always been: “Figure it out for YOURSELF, Kelly!”

In recent years, I can appreciate where my friend is coming from with his type of advice. You see, for the longest time, I pretty much had some great advice for nearly everyone – whether they were asking for it or not. In my foolish pride (which I discovered a bit later, was due to my own personal woundedness), I actually believed that I had the unique ability to somehow fix everyone else’s problems. . . that is, except for MY OWN. Hmmm. . . ?

I guess it was just a matter of time before I would literally “bury myself” with many of my own unwise and unhealthy decisions in life. And some
of those decisions involved the kind of people I was attracted to and, ultimately, the relationships I became attached to (entangled in?). Fortunately, there always seems to be a “light at the end of the tunnel.” Let’s just hope it’s not a freight train coming. . . with no way out.

I’ve come to understand that, often, we tend to be attracted to people who are in a “similar station of life.” And unfortunately, part of that attraction comes from the unhealed hurts (wounds) that we carry within our own hearts – regardless of whether or not we recognize, acknowledge and are willing to deal with (resolve and heal) those issues, or if we’ve simply REPRESSED all of that painful stuff. In the former case, the result can become a Path of Healing in which we’re able to work on ourselves and in the foreseeable process, become able to make healthier relationship choices. But in the latter case. . . we go on making the familiar and painful choices that we so often have made in our past. But that’s okay. . . because I KNOW IT’S THE OTHER PERSON – NOT ME!
Oh really. . . ?

While researching the topic of “Compatibility in Relationships,” I came across the following article. I feel that the article explains a little bit of what’s really going on. . . when our seemingly committed relationships start to “Go South.” I’ve come to learn that unless we’re really willing
to take a good look at ourselves, it’s likely that we’ll spend a majority of our time looking out the window and pointing our finger at someone else (i.e. playing the Victim, while identifying the “Bad Guy/Girl” in our lives). Perhaps, when going through our own house, we might be better off having a few less windows and a lot more mirrors. As a friend of mine often says, “Nothing changes until I change.”

These days, I make it a point NOT to offer advice – even when someone is asking me. Rather, I can only share what I’ve experienced and have come to learn (for myself) while on my own Journey of Life. Realistically, the ONLY person we can truly fix is. . . ourselves. In reality, the emotionally healthier we are individually, the more likely it is that we’ll attract someone who’s in that same “Station of Life,” with the hope of developing a Happy, Healthy, Committed and Lasting Relationship. And as the saying goes, “Two cannot walk together unless they are agreed.” 

I hope you enjoy the enclosed article and the short music video which follows, as well. I consider this song, from the video, to be a shared moment of Hope for all of us. . . as we come to that place where we're willing and able to discover who we really are. And, to come to understand what True Love is really all about. Because, as I've been learning over the past several years – True Love Never Fails.

R Butch David

Marriage Problems:
How Can I Be Me – When You're Being You?

(How You Would Like to Be vs. Who You Are)

(By Steven Stosny, Ph D – Published on August 18, 2008)

Most people get married because they like the way they are with their partners – loving, compassionate, engaging, supportive, sexy, and flexible. They get divorced because they don't like the way they are with their partners – resentful, turned off, frustrated, rigid, or bored, all of which they blame on their relationship.

In the course of this death march, many go into marriage therapy to find better ways to manipulate their partners into, at best, doing what they want or, at worst, becoming who they want. The self-defeating flaw in this strategy, apart from the fact that it hardly ever works, is cognitive dissonance – that is, the discomfort generated by holding contradictory cognitions.

In marriage [and supposedly committed relationships – rbd], cognitive dissonance is the difference between how you would like to be and how you are. For instance, "I am loving, compassionate, supportive, sexy, etc. . . yet I am NOT these things with you."

This aspect of cognitive dissonance isn't bad; it can act as a motivation to be true to your deepest values, by making you behave in more loving and compassionate ways. Unfortunately, most people who divorce or go to marriage therapy choose to resolve their cognitive dissonance with something like this:

"Since I am unable to be my loving
and compassionate self with you,
you must be too selfish, insensitive,
withholding, demanding, emotional, rigid,
sick, or defective in some way."

This ill-fated resolution of cognitive dissonance only makes you both feel like victims and sends you searching online or in self-help aisles for a checklist that validates your suffering and a diagnosis that nails your partner.

Cognitive dissonance can undermine marriage (and marriage therapy) in sneaky ways, even when you are successful at getting what you want, namely, change in the other person. If you do get what you want by changing your partner, your own self-concept is reduced to:

"I am loving, compassionate, supportive, etc. . .
as long as you do what I want."

Do you really want this on your tombstone?:

"As long as I got what I wanted,
I was great to the people I love.”

The irony is that the last thing you need is an externally regulated self concept, i.e., one determined not by your own behavior but by
what your partner does for you. Externally regulated, your sense of self becomes totally dependent on your partner, not just for consistently doing what you want but for doing it with love and joy in his/her heart, since resentful submission is far from satisfying. Externally regulated, self-concept needs more and more validation, if not submission, from the partner to stay afloat. This sends satisfaction on a downward spiral as it necessarily destabilizes both the sense
of self and the relationship.

Successful relationships are not about getting your partner to do what you want; it's about being who you are, i.e., behaving according to your deepest values. For most people, this means being loving and compassionate to the people they love.

Happily, you have the best chance of getting your partner to do what you want by being who you are.

Consider the effects of positive reciprocity and negative reactivity [within a relationship – rbd]. Which of the following is more likely to inspire cooperation?

1. Approaching your spouse/partner as your authentic, loving and
   compassionate self.

2. Approaching your spouse/partner with entitlement and demands
   (even if couched in the rehearsed language of "behavior requests")?

Marriage (and marriage therapy) run into a brick wall of cognitive dissonance when they focus on "getting your needs met," or "getting the love you want." They are more likely to have lasting success with a focus on each of you being the partner you most want to be.

www.compassionpower.com