Forgiveness. . .

Does it Still Make Sense to Forgive?

An Article by Lewis B. Smedes*

If you live long enough, some day, some time, you may be let down by somebody you trusted, and somebody you trusted to do you good will be disloyal to you. Somebody you trusted with your whole self can betray you, or perhaps even brutalize you.

The sad and tough fact is that we live in the kind of a world where decent people hurt each other, and where bad people can hurt us a lot. And sometimes what somebody else did to us seems so unfair and hurts us so deeply that it lodges inside of our soul like an indigestible lump.

Or — it’s like a video-tape playing its wretched reruns of the pain inside of our mind. And we can’t forget it, and we don’t know what to do with it, and the person who hurt us once keeps hurting us in our memories.

How do we cope, creatively, with hurts we didn’t deserve and we didn’t have coming? How do we turn them into redemptive renewal for peace and happiness in our own lives?

God invented Forgiveness as the remedy for healing the hurts we don’t deserve. He tried it on us. It was his way of coping with hurts that we caused him that He never deserved. And He invites us to try it on one another, coping with hurts we didn’t have coming through the surprising, the unexpected, the revolutionary power of forgiving.

A great Jewish philosopher echoed Jesus sometime ago when she said, “The only remedy for the irreversibility of our histories is the power to forgive.” Maybe you think there are a lot of ways. She says there is only one remedy for the pains (the hurts) of the past that we cannot undo — "The Power to Forgive."

Since I wrote my book on forgiving, I discovered that there are two questions that gnaw at peoples’ hearts and guts after they have been
hurt — especially if the hurt went deep and lasted long. One of them is — “Is it fair, is it really fair that I who have been hurt have to treat the person who walloped me as if nothing had happened? Is it fair?” And I know from my experience with people that sometimes their hurts are so deep, and the pain is so intense, and the memory is so sad, that it simply doesn’t seem fair.

Is it fair to forgive? I want to tell you that the only fair way for the person who has been hurt is to be healed of the hurt, and the only way to be healed is to forgive. Consider this. Once somebody has hurt you and you know that they didn’t have to do it, and you know that they are to blame — what are your alternatives? One alternative is to repress it and try to forget it and that spells trouble later on. That is the way of denial, and denial never works in real life.

The other way is to get even, to follow the old bumper sticker, “We don’t get mad; we get even.” I’ve got news for you — getting even never works. Getting revenge just doesn’t do it for you. In the first place, nobody ever gets even in the game of pain. Have you ever wondered why family feuds lasted until finally people got too old to lift a rifle? It’s because they were always trying to get even, and it never worked. And it won’t work with you. It doesn’t work with me.

Consider this. . . Supposing the other person isn’t even around for you to
get even with them so that it is impossible. Where does that leave you? Supposing the person who hurt you has moved away, out of reach, perhaps dead and gone. Perhaps the person who hurt you tells you to take your forgiveness and flush it down the garbage disposal, supposing you just can’t get even. Are you going to be tied forever to the escalator of pain? Are you going to be a bond slave of your own hurt? Are you going to let that person who hurt you once go on hurting by way of your memory as long as you live?

I want to tell you that the only way to be fair to the victim of hurt is for the victim to forgive. I want you to remember that the first person who gets the pay-off from forgiving is the person who does the forgiving. And remember this, forgiving is not being a patsy. Forgiving is not being a doormat. Forgivers do not tolerate everything. Forgiving is not the same thing as putting up with bad things.

I don’t know of anything that is harder to do than to forgive, but there are a lot of us who make it even harder than we need to. I’d like to tell you a few things that I have learned that don’t make forgiving easy but at least make it less hard than it has to be. Let me suggest a few to you.

The first one is this. . .

Don’t forgive because someone tells you it’s your duty to forgive.

I have never met a person yet who forgave another human being because she felt it was an obligation. Don’t do it because you have to. Do it because you want to. And when you think about it, you will realize that wallowing in the bilge of your own hate and resentment and pain is not nearly as much fun as dancing on stage to the melody of healing freedom.

Ask yourself what you really want. Do you really want to stew? Do you really want to develop ulcers? Do you really want to be hurt continually in your life? Or do you want to be free of the hurt you never had coming in 
the first place? Wait until you want to and then God will give you 
the power.

Here's another hint. . .

Don’t force yourself to do it fast.

Forgiving is tough. Forgiving is hard. God can do it in a single swoosh, but you’re not God. The first thing to remember in forgiving is that you’re not God. It takes time.

Forgiving doesn’t come for most of us in one big clump. It's like an IRA account. It’s not a bonanza at the beginning, but you work up with increments, and if you stick at it for a while you will discover that you
built up a pretty good account of forgiving power in your life. Be patient with yourself. Take your time.

Here's another hint. . .

Don't wait for the other person to come to you to say, “I’m sorry.”

That may never happen. The person who hurt you may be dead and gone. The person who hurt you may have moved away. The person who hurt you may not believe that he or she hurt you unfairly. They may never come back. And then the question is, “Do you want that person to have such control over your life that by his or her refusal to say ‘I’m sorry’, you’re stuck with your pain?” I just can’t imagine anything more unreasonable than to inflict pain on yourself that you don’t deserve just because somebody doesn’t come and say “I’m sorry.” If they come — wonderful! If they don’t — take a solo flight to freedom 
and heal yourself with the power that God gives you to forgive.

Here’s another hint. . .

Don’t demand a Hollywood ending.

Some people think that every time you forgive somebody, it has to end immediately with an embrace, and tears flowing down your cheek, and then you love each other and are better friends than you’ve ever been before. That may work sometimes but it doesn’t have to. The important thing is to heal yourself, then go on from there and take whatever God in His providence gives you by way of a new relationship with the person who hurt you.

This is going to be my last hint. . .

Don’t forgive too much.

Don’t try to forgive too much at a time. God can forgive wholesale. We need to forgive retail — one thing at a time. Be concrete. Don’t try to forgive people for what they are. Don’t try to forgive people for being slobs or unkind or cruel people. Forgive them for what they did to you last Thursday. Write it down. Be specific. Be concrete. Stick to one thing at a time.

I find in my life that most of the jobs that I do can be handled more successfully if I section them off, if I don’t try to think about doing the whole job. If I’m writing a book, I get paralyzed if I think I have to write a whole book. Sometimes I get stymied if I’m trying to write a whole chapter. But if I take this paragraph and this sentence one at a time, then finally something happens. The same is true in the game of healing ourselves.

And here’s one last thing that I have discovered in my life. I don’t have the power to forgive anybody else until I feel forgiven myself. When I know, and when I feel that nothing I have ever done will get God to love me less, and nothing I will ever do will get God to love me less, I know that he surrenders any right that he has to get even with me, and I know that he looks at me and feels about me as if I were his friend, and he blots out the memory. When I know that that’s what has happened to me, I gradually get the power to do it on other people. Feeling free to forgive because I feel freely forgiven.

When you forgive somebody who hurt you, 
you ride the crest of love’s great wave.

When you forgive somebody who hurt you, 
you walk in stride with God.

When you forgive somebody who hurt you, you set a prisoner free and then you discover that the prisoner you set free was you.

When you forgive somebody, you begin to heal the hurts 
you never deserved to have in the first place.

*Lewis B. Smedes is a professor of Theology and Ethics at Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, California, and a member of the editorial board of The Reformed Journal. He is a graduate of Calvin College and Seminary, Grand Rapids, Michigan, and has his Doctor of Theology from the Free University of Amsterdam. Dr. Smedes is a frequent lecturer and preacher, and is also the author of a number of very successful books.  www.csec.org/csec/sermon/smedes_3010.htm

Over The Relationship - But Not Past The Hurt. . .

“There’s STUFF in the Basement.”

   

(By R Butch David)

I like the question posed in the song, People Are People, by a music group from the 80s called Depeche Mode. “People are people so why should it be – You and I should get along so awfully?” Unfortunately, people are people, and we’ve all been hurt at one time or another. As 

the formula in life seems to go, “Hurt People, hurt people” (HPx2).

All of us have had some painful experiences in our lives and many of 

those involve people whom we’ve had a close personal relationship with. Over time, because none of us are perfect, we’re likely to hurt (or be hurt by) the very ones we love the most. Sometimes, those hurts can be easily forgiven. A simple “I’m sorry” will suffice. As some people would say, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” But what about when the hurt is something more devastating like abuse or neglect or a deep betrayal of some sort? How do we get over that kind of hurt – the kind that’s not so easy to forgive? What if we feel we’ve been hurt so badly that we simply can’t, won’t or shouldn’t forgive? When that happens, some people feel the best thing to do is to just “move on.” We might decide that we simply need to get over that relationship and leave those hurts, and that person, behind. Maybe it’s just better to start over with someone new – someone who will treat us right and who won’t hurt us that way. As a “wise-guy” once said, “Let me know how that works (out) for you. . . ?”

Unfortunately, the emotional wounds (hurts) we’ve experienced, if not treated so they can heal, will simply wind up being carried over into the next relationship. Think of it this way – if you had an accident at your job and broke your leg while at work one day, the solution wouldn’t be just to get a new job. If that were the case, then you’d simply be taking that broken leg with you into your next place of employment. Your work environment may have changed, but the unhealed wound would still be there and it would most likely affect your ability to perform. Granted, if your new employer didn’t mind you performing at a substandard level – lets say for a few years while your broken leg healed to some degree on its own, then you could go about your new job like you would 

in life – hobbling around and just barely getting by. My guess is though, the new employer probably wouldn’t be too pleased about your disabled performance, and likely, neither would you.

The same goes for our unhealed emotional wounds. Without treatment (real healing) for our past hurts, we can change relationships as often as we like. Unfortunately, we’ll carry those unhealed hurts with us and it will affect our ability to perform and in this case, to be free to truly Love others, unconditionally. As a close friend says, “Because of our past (unhealed) hurts, we’re all doing our ‘crummy-best’ in life and in every relationship 

we have.”

I’ve found the Real Solution to the healing of my past hurts has not been 

in trying to “get over it, let it go, forget about it or move on.” There were times I’ve felt that I was indeed “over that relationship.” But as it turned out, I came to discover that “the hurts” hadn’t been healed, at all. I had unhealed “emotional baggage” that I was carrying with me. Over time, 

the infection from those unhealed wounds eventually came to the surface. 

I found myself responding to someone new, the same way I did when I was in a previous hurtful relationship. Inevitably, something they would say or do (or perhaps not say or do) would trigger the old, unhealed hurts. Psychologists and counselors often refer to that as “Pushing our Hot Buttons.” I’ve often said that “A fresh accidental ‘punch in the nose’ might have an old infected bruise behind it.” My mind and the heartfelt reality of my past were truly on a collision course. It seemed that I was Over The Relationship – But Not Past The Hurt. It would appear that my mind was telling me one thing, but deep within my heart, “There’s STUFF in The Basement” that needed to be dealt with and healed.

I like what was said in the latest of the “Rocky Movies,” Rocky Balboa. As the story goes, Rocky’s life had moved on. After a long successful career in boxing, he was now a bit older, a bit wiser, and was currently doing quite well in the restaurant business. Overall, Rocky seemed to be pretty content, happy and accepting of who he was and how things had turned out in his life. But in one particular scene, Rocky was talking to Pauly and he said, “I don’t know, there’s stuff. . . stuff in the basement – in here” (pointing to his heart). Pauly’s advice to Rocky was something like,  

“Well, you gotta deal with it – once and for all, Rocko. You need to get ‘that stuff’ out of there.”

It’s likely that we ALL have some “Stuff in the Basement” of our hearts that needs to be dealt with and healed – once and for all. That too, is a process. It takes real courage and strength to “go into the basement” and deal with it. And sometimes, we need help from someone who has been there – that is, in “the basement” of their own heart and soul. In reality, 

we also need Someone who has the Power to Heal.

In his book The Ultimate Breakthrough, (focusing on personal healing*), Ken Unger talks about something called “Premature Forgiveness.” 

He writes, “True Forgiveness is MORE than a simple act of the will 

[the mind- rd]. It's a HEARTFELT RELEASE of our judgments against another, and that's a LOT more complicated.” I’ve personally found that 

the key to the “real healing” of our emotional wounds, that is our broken hearts, is in Forgiveness. And it has to be the “kind of Forgiveness” Jesus talks about in the Book of Matthew. . . “Forgiveness from the Heart.” (Matthew 18:35)

Ken goes on to write, “Unforgiveness is one of the terrible ways we bind people on earth. Heartfelt Forgiveness is one of the marvelous ways we can loose them. If you're having a hard time forgiving, relax. . . ask the Lord for help. Pray for wisdom, work on healing your own pain, and ask Christ to enable you to release your judgments. If necessary, talk through the issues with the people who have wronged you. One way or another, you'll EVENTUALLY be able to Forgive them from the heart. . . How do you KNOW when you've done that? If you find yourself saying, ‘I forgive you, but I never want to see you again’ – YOU HAVE NOT FORGIVEN.”

While on my own Healing Journey, I’ve slowly been cleaning out “The Stuff in The Basement” of my own heart. And let me tell you, at over 50-years old – there is a “LOT OF STUFF” (past unhealed hurts) down there. Some counselors agree that many of our emotional wounds were incurred during our early childhood, before the age of eight, and we’ve had many more since then. Again, the healing of our broken hearts is a process. Christ is the Chief Surgeon who came to “Heal the brokenhearted” (Luke 4:18). If we're willing to go there, He knows how to help us “Deal with that STUFF.”

Granted, time will be necessary for healing, AFTER we’ve had surgery. But without “The Surgery,” we’ll all simply be hobbling around – a broken heart is a lot like a broken leg. And that won’t do us, or anyone else, much good – in life or in any of our relationships. In fact, unforgiveness actually does more harm to the person who carries it than it does to the person who isn’t being forgiven. An unforgiving spirit is a painfully heavy burden that we can carry within our own hearts. It can cost us dearly, in many ways. Maybe you’ve felt that you have forgiven someone. But, if you’re still having negative thoughts about the person who you feel hurt you, then you might want to consider how your “brand of forgiveness” compares with Christ’s. . .

I asked another friend, “When will I know for sure that I’ve completely Forgiven someone – from my heart?” He said, “Well that’s easy – you’ll 

be able to talk about what happened (the hurt) and it just won’t hurt, anymore.” I’ve also come to experience the Healing Power of True Forgiveness another way. As by Grace, when I’ve been able to completely forgive someone who hurt me real badly, I can then think of them with fondness, gratefulness and even some appreciation – for who they were, who they are now, and even for who God intends for them to be - through His Personal Healing Touch in their lives. As Jesus says, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute (hurt) you.” (Matthew 5:44)

Lastly, I’ve been learning to “leave the door open” when it comes to my relationships with others – even those who I feel had hurt me and those whom I have hurt. A good prayer for each of us to consider, when it comes to those who offended us might be: “Father, please ‘shower them’ with your Lovingkindness – Amen.”

Love Never Fails – Love Always Forgives. . .

*For more information on Ken Unger, Transformational Healing or 

to order his book The Ultimate Breakthrough, visit his website at www.TransformationIncorporated.com

I Call You. . . Friend

A Personal Letter from Jesus to Each of Us

Dear Friends,

I remember early on in my Journey, back in 1992, I heard a most touching song on the radio. The words from this particular song really spoke to my heart. Almost immediately, I went to a Christian bookstore and bought the tape. This was back when they only made cassettes. Remember those tapes that would all too often get "stuck"?

Anyhow, in 2008 I attended a concert at a Temple (Church) on the east-side of Cleveland. And who was the performing artist? None other than Marty Goetz - the man who had written and recorded "the song." After performing a number of his many well-known songs, Marty asked 

the audience for "requests." As I stood in the back of the Temple, I raised my hand and wouldn't you have known - Marty saw and acknowledged me, first. Now I don't intend to sound too selfish, but at that moment, I felt like 

I was the only one there in that Messianic Jewish Temple. I felt like God had brought me there for a reason, just to speak to ME, or perhaps to 

my Heart - once again.

The song and the words were coming back to me, and this time they were becoming even a little more personal. This time it was LIVE right there on the stage in front of me (or perhaps really "Alive" in me). In sharing the following, my hope is that you too will hear what Christ is saying to each of us through these heart-felt words. As I re-read the words to this song, I thought of it as being like A Personal Letter from Jesus to Each of Us - 

and that it was signed:

In My Love - Everlasting,

  Jesus (Yeshua)

I Call You Friend

(The Book of John - Chapters 14 & 15)

Words and Music By Marty Goetz  ©1992 Singin’ in the Reign Music/ASCAP

I Call You Friend, that’s what you are

All that I do, I share with you

I have no secrets, I have no need

To keep them to myself, for I tell you to the end

I Call You My Friend

You call me Master, and so I am

All that I do, you will do too.

Secret’s I’ll whisper, and what you hear

You’ll shout aloud out to a world that’s near it’s end

I Call You My Friend

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you

Truly I say to you, you’ll have tribulation

But have no fear dear one, be of good cheer

Truly I have overcome, you too will overcome

So, come my friend

I know who you are

Before you were I knew of you

You’ve so many secrets,

you’ve so many needs

Don’t keep them to yourself, no one to help you in the end.

Just call my name, I’m always the same

I search for all who will claim the love I send

So I can call them friend

Say, can I call you my friend?

Yes, I Call You My Friend. . .

For More Information on Marty Goetz, His Music and Ministry go to  

www.martygoetz.com

Time Doesn't Heal

"Time (alone) actually wounds the Healing Process"

An Introduction to the Book 

“The Ultimate Breakthrough”

   

(By Ken Unger - Copyright 2008   www.transformationincorporated.com)

Time does not heal all wounds. It really doesn't heal any – that is an illusion. “Time [alone - rd] actually wounds the Healing process.” As time progresses, the perception of pain merely subsides. New experiences merely displace our harmful memories, driving them deeper into the subconscious, the basement of the soul, where they lurk to ambush, to corrupt, to undermine us [and our future relationships with others – rd], 

yet again. Unless our deepest wounds are truly healed, until the core hurts are appropriately resolved, these hidden denizens of emotional darkness return at the worst possible moments.

These hurts may come from many sources, from outright abuse to 

“mere” neglect. A woman could have been molested, physically abused 

or emotionally battered. But she also could have had none of those things happen. She may have lived in a beautiful home and had plenty to eat 

but been starved for affection. Many bulimics can tell you that sad tale. Perhaps Mommy and Daddy were so busy working they never had time 

to play, or read to her, or even say I love you.

I was physically and emotionally wounded during childhood. My father 

was a rageaholic. He was angry at his life and he often took it out on me. Other people I know have never heard their parents say, “I love you.” While neglect is far subtler than abuse, that is exactly what makes it so difficult. It is equally damaging and harder to see. Denial is a greater temptation.

Our wounds don’t have to be parental. Siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles, schoolmates, teachers, preachers and neighbors could have harmed us. But wherever our hurts come from, they complicate, inhibit and plunder our lives, sabotaging our well-being and even possibly destroying our health.

Unhealed pain can fuel alcohol abuse, overeating, codependency, work addiction, perfectionism and other compulsions. It can cause our feelings and our bodies to drive us, instead of us them. It pollutes the very things we care about most: our loved ones, our work, our friendships, even our health and prosperity. Unhealed emotional wounds and pain are the invisible enemy that causes most of our suffering and failures in life. I know, because they have done all that and more to me.

One of my all time favorite opening sentences in a book was from M. Scott Peck’s, The Road Less Traveled. He said something like this: “Life is difficult. But once we accept that fact that life is difficult, life becomes much less difficult.” While this is true, life does not have to be as difficult as we make it. Much of life’s struggle is fueled by past hurts that cause us to unwittingly complicate out life. But if our life is to change, we must find the courage to examine it. The unexamined life is, at best, disappointing.

Though many want us to think otherwise, our past is extremely important. Who we are today is largely a result of who we were yesterday and how we handled our problems and hurts. But there is nothing that has damaged us that cannot be undone. There is gold in our most sinister shadows, silver linings to our most menacing inner clouds. Even our worst tragedies, properly resolved, can make us immeasurably better instead of bitter, more whole rather than further fractured, happier instead of more miserable. Indeed, the very things that weakened us can bestow upon us new strength, power and vitality. There are countless examples of people who overcame unbearable odds to make their lives successful and beautiful. You can do that as well.

Nothing will help you more than healing the pain that holds you back. It can do more for your future happiness than anything else you can do. I know. For over twenty-five years, it has done this for me and for thousands of my clients, friends, parishioners, and those who attended my seminars and retreats.

Frankly, if you don't believe in God, this approach won't help you. Only God can heal our broken hearts. Only He can free us from stubborn bondage to self-destructive patterns. I make no apologies for advocating what God alone can do for you.

Ken Unger  (www.TransformationIncorporated)

A final thought from R Butch David:

Granted, if we are willing to “get surgery” for our past emotional wounds, then something referred to as “Redemptive Time” is necessary for our complete healing to occur, and that too, is a process. It’s like taking the necessary time to heal after we’ve had heart surgery. Without the surgery, our damaged heart condition will only get worse. With the necessary surgery, our heart condition will improve over time and we’ll begin to heal. “Christ (alone) came to HEAL the brokenhearted.”
(Isaiah 61:1 and Luke 4:18)

Talking About Problems. . .

"WHAT - You talkin' to Me ???"

(By R Butch David)

Recently, I came across another relationship website, so I'm checking it out (lots of stuff there). And of course, like in most sources, there's the usual sorting out of the "Meat and Bones".

I remember early on when a good friend first started helping me to see some things about myself and my relationships. With a lot of practice,
I eventually began to think of problems that I was experiencing in a relationship as being "opportunities,"  and not so much as being "obstacles." It was a lot more about learning how to Love and Forgive, than it was about who was to blame for hurting me or letting me down. Healthy communication was something I had to learn - and I'm still learning. Still, problems and hurts are going to occur in every relationship - that's all part of "none of us being perfect." I agree with what my friend showed me. It's a far more relationally-healthy approach to tell someone, "When you did this, or said that - I felt . . . (such and such)" 

But then again, if you could "care less" about the person whom you feel offended you (and you have decidedly "written them off"), and you have no ability or willingness to Forgive, than it's probably in your own best interest to "blast them" and condemn them to hell. Of course, when that is our (wounded) choice, as one would say. . . "Let me know how that works out for you?"  Bitterness, resentment, anger and unforgiveness usually does far more harm to the person who carries it, than it does to the person whom it is directed toward.

Enclosed below is a short article, from a website, which has to do with communicating about problems in relationships. It can be found at: http://www.truthaboutdeception.com (found under Relationship Issues).

Remember. . . LNF - LAF (Love Never Fails - Love Always Forgives).

What is the BEST WAY to
Talk About Problems?

When problems arise in a relationship, couples are often told they need to "communicate" - or talk to each other.

In many cases, however, couples do not know how to talk about problems and communication only makes the situation worse.

For the most part, there are two basic ways talking about problems: Direct Accusation versus Problem Identification (described below). Unfortunately, most couples use Direct Accusation rather than Problem Identification when trying to resolve conflict.

The idea that Problem Identification is a better way of solving problems draws upon Gibb's work on defensive communication and Cupach and Canary's work on conflict management. Cupach and Canary's book is a great resource for dealing with conflict management.

Direct Accusation 

(Focus on Partner’s Behavior)

When upset or angry, many people confront their spouses by focusing on their partner’s behavior. These accusations can be made directly “I am upset because you…” or even in the form of a question “Why did you…?”

The motivation behind making such accusations is typically to change a spouse’s or partner’s behavior. People believe that if 

they get upset and point out their partner’s mistakes, things will change. This rarely works.

If you accuse a partner of wrongdoing, partners typically:

• get defensive – fight back or withdraw (stop listening)

• offer an (insincere) apology designed to stop your attack

• hide and conceal similar behavior in the future

The long term outcome of directly confronting a partner is:

• increased distance

• less understanding and greater dissatisfaction

• the lack of a genuine resolution

• increased future conflict

  

A more effective approach involves focusing on one’s feelings, and NOT on a partner’s behavior.

Problem Identification 

(Focus on One’s Feelings)

A better way to resolve relationship problems involves focusing on one’s feelings, rather than blaming a partner for what happened (even if [you feel - rd] your partner deserves blame).

It is easier for a partner or spouse to hear what you have to say when 

you focus on your own feelings and not dwell on his or her mistakes. For example, if your spouse has a habit of coming home late – rather than make a direct accusation – “I hate when you're so late – why do you do that?” – it helps if you can focus on your feelings instead “I am feeling sad and a little frustrated. I sometimes feel lonely when you are not home.”

When trying to discuss a problem - it's important not to assign blame. Even saying something as simple as "It makes me feel uncomfortable..." can come across as an accusation - leading to a defensive response. Phrasing a concern as "I feel..." rather than
"It makes..." is a more effective way of solving problems.

Your motivation for dealing with problems this way should be to get 

your partner to hear what you have to say. If you can get your partner to understand your point of view, you are much more likely to create a meaningful and lasting resolution.

By focusing on your feelings instead of your spouse’s behavior, partners are more likely to:

• listen to what you have to say

• empathize with your position

• discuss the problem in a constructive manner

And there are many benefits of approaching relationship problems with this way:

• increased closeness, satisfaction and understanding

• greater potential for resolution and change

• less future conflict

Simply put, directly confronting a partner often leads to greater resistance, more conflict and deception. Of course, it is easier to get angry and make accusations, but doing so rarely leads positive, long term outcomes.

A Personal Testimony

Christ's Healing Confirmation

(By R Butch David)

Dear Friends,

Many of you have responded to my forwarding these "Daily Readings"
from John Eldredge (enclosed below) - Thank You. My hope is, that you continue to be blessed and enlightened by John's messages - I feel he is bringing forth the Truth (Way and Life).

To me, I've come to believe that if Jesus ONLY purpose was about dealing with the issue of Heaven and hell, than "Why didn't He just come down on a Thursday afternoon and be home (back in Heaven) in time for Sunday Brunch?" Yeah, by Grace, I found out Christ was about a bit more than just that. It would seem that God wanted to "expand my Theology" and understanding, just a bit. He also desired a change (Healing) in me. I feel He's probably wanting to do that for all of us. . . 

if we are willing.

While on my Healing Journey for only a short time now (a little over 2-1/2 years), I first came to know of Eldredge when my Brother-in-Law (Bill) in Columbus lovingly reached out to help me, back in 2008. Bill sent me a copy of Eldredge's book, Wild at Heart. At that time, God seemed to be confirming to me His Desire for the Healing of my (severely) broken heart, by sending me the same "message" over and over, through various people that were coming into my life.

First there was Sam, then Daniel and Olya, then Ken, then Dave and 

Rich and Kevin and Randy and Paul and Dottie, and others (you know who you are - Thank You! ). And, the ever-increasing list of "Christ's Healing Confirmation" through those He was touching in this Way, just kept growing - Glory to God. The interesting thing is though. . . I never ASKED for any of these kind-hearted, understanding, unconditionally loving, forgiving, compassionate and caring people - they just started "showing up" in my life. And all I did, one day while I was crying on my knees on 

my kitchen floor (it FELT like tears of blood), was to cry out to Christ - "Jesus, I NEED to get well."

Since that time, I've been on this Wonderful Healing Journey - and its a Transformational (Sanctifying) Process. Often now, when I cry, my tears are somehow filled with Joy. Again, Praise and Glory to God.

Here's the latest "Confirmation" of Christ's Purpose  by John Eldredge.

(As proclaimed by Jesus, in Luke 4:18 - 21)

LNF (Love Never Fails) - LAF (Love Always Forgives),

Roger

The Stream of Healing 

(by John Eldredge)

For this people's heart has become calloused;

they hardly hear with their ears,

and they have closed their eyes.

Otherwise they might see with their eyes,

hear with their ears,

understand with their hearts

and turn, and I would heal them. (Matt. 13:15)

"And I would heal them." That's a different offer from: "And I would forgive them." It's a different offer from: "And I will give them a place 

in heaven." No, Jesus is offering healing to us. Look at what he does to people who are broken. How does he handle them? The blind are able to see like a hawk. The deaf are able to hear a pin drop. The lame do hurdles. The corroding skin of the leper is cleansed and made new. The woman with the issue of blood stops hemorrhaging. The paralyzed servant hops out of bed. They are, every last one of them, healed. Now follow this closely: everything Jesus did was to illustrate what he was trying to say. Here - look at this. . . this is what I'm offering to do for you. Not just 

for your body, but more important, for your soul. I can heal your heart. I can restore your soul.

(From the Eldredge Book, Waking the Dead, pp.134-35)

Hurts & Rugs, Specks & Logs

Let’s ALL Take "The Dixie-Cup Test" *

(By Copan & David)

 

*CAUTION: The following article contains some direct quotes,
in the words and language used, which may be viewed as
"harsh and innappropriate" by some readers. However, to quote (paraphrase) author Larry Crabb from his book Shattered Dreams,  

"Quite often, some people in the church are more concerned
with the language that others use, rather than the
    heartfelt feelings and pain which are being expressed. . .
and that is most unfortunate."

My friend called the other morning with a request. After a meeting he had with another friend, he asked me to send him a copy of the article I wrote called, The Dixie-Cup Test. He said he had told his friend about it and the other guy “cracked up laughing and thought it was great.” Well, as Forrest Gump would say, “Now, I don’t know much about that.” Unfortunately, at that time, I never wrote the article. It was just something we had talked about, more than once, after a get-together we had attended nearly a
year earlier.

At that time, another close friend was stating their case against someone who had hurt them – and rightfully so. They had been hurt real badly, over and over. I think we’ve all experienced that at one time or another. Still,
it was during that get-together where the subject of “wrongs and hurts”
(sins) came up. So here goes, as I attempt to share our thoughts on
Hurts & Rugs, Specks & Logs – Let's ALL Take "The Dixie Cup Test". But first, let me share some lyrics from a song called Sanctify Me.

I was talking to God about you,
and He showed me the STICK in my eye.
I was hoping to criticize you,
but His Truth made me realize. . .
It’s not you who’s the problem, it’s me –
I’m as blind as a fool could be.
When I think of all I have to give,
it’s like dirty rags, Lord, let me live.

Oh Lord, Sanctify Me –
Make me clean and let me see.
Oh Lord, will You Sanctify Me –
And make me all You want me to be.

Hurts & Rugs

I think every one of us has experienced “the Formula” in our lives – HPx2 (Hurt People, hurt people). Most of the time, we’re not hurting others and they are not hurting us, intentionally. But unfortunately, the hurts (wounds) still happen in relationships. I think that’s because learning how to Love unconditionally, like learning how to Forgive (from the heart), is a process – it’s all part of the Journey for each of us. . . IF we're willing?

I think rugs are great for bare floors, but rugs really aren't so great for bare hearts. Love, in most relationships, usually involves some degree of transparency, vulnerability and trust, among other things. Often, but not always, the more “In Love” we are with someone, the more willing and
able we are to bare our hearts and souls to that person – that is to say, our personal Joys and Aches. Unfortunately, I think most of my past relationships also came with rugs. In so much, I would often look past a particular offense (hurt) that I received from someone. It would appear that the more I loved someone, the more I was (seemingly) willing to “just let
it go.” After all, “Love covers a multitude of sins (hurts),” right? In my hidden pride, maybe I pretended I was a “bigger or better person” than that, rather then tell them how I really felt. Maybe in my imagination, I pretended that the offense of what someone said or did, or perhaps didn’t say or do, really didn’t bother me. In that relationship, I just swept it (the hurt) under the rug. Let’s just keep everything nice and clean, and move on – Oh really?

But in a deeper reality, those hurts DID BOTHER ME. I think that in some hidden place in my wounded and broken heart, I felt I had tucked that hurt away – perhaps maybe in one of the cracks. Unfortunately, I found out later that I was silently “keeping score.” Over time, I came to acknowledge that “If Love keeps no record of wrongs, then why do I have a score SO STEEP?” After many years of sweeping all the “little hurts” under the rug, I think the lump became so big that one day I tripped over it – and broke my neck, or maybe it was my back, or maybe it was just my heart that was broken. I think the same thing happens to others. It would seem that the “sun went down on my (our) anger” regarding those hurts, over and over – for many years.

The hurts in that relationship eventually added up and the infection from those wounds kept growing. My inability to deal with hurtful issues in a healthy and healing way, as they occurred, didn’t help. My “niceness” in not wanting (or being able) to express my feelings, as the offense took place, was actually quite contrary to what Jesus instructs. He says,
“If your brother (or sister) offends (hurts) you, go and TELL THEM.”

I had to learn how to do that – without being condemning or judgmental. I had to learn how to share with someone about what they did or said, and how I felt as a result. I also had to learn how to validate and acknowledge them when I had done something hurtful, so as not to deny their feelings. Granted, the other person also has to be willing to work through the issues (hurts) as they happen, as well. Relationships are often like a dance contest and I’ve learned it does “Take two to Tango” if you’re going to “Win the Prize”.

But sometimes, I’ve experienced the offense may have happened so quickly that I didn’t have time, at that moment, to address what took place. Nor, was I able to truly identify and understand my own feelings and share with someone, why I felt hurt. I’ve been learning
to take “the hurt” to the Lord when that happens.

Specks & Logs

When things aren’t going well in relationships, it’s often quite common for one or both partners to engage in "The Blame Game." Personally, I do believe in the “pointing the finger”. . . I’ve just learned to do that in front of
a mirror, before I ever do it in front of a window. You see, there’s something about “first removing the log from your own eye, so that you can see clearly how to remove the speck from someone else’s. . .” Strange thing is though, about specks and logs. It would seem that often when
I brought something to God, as a complaint against someone else,
He would show me that I was guilty of the same thing, or worse.

I’d thought, “they weren’t there for me” – and truly, neither was I there
for them. I thought, “they just aren’t treating me fairly or with love and kindness” – and neither was I treating them likewise. I felt “unappreciated in my efforts” – and in reality, I’d been most unappreciative of their efforts for me. I felt “judged and condemned” – but maybe, I had been judgmental and condemning of them, as well. And, I'm sure I had thoughts like,
“I would never. . .” – but in fact I had, and did. I could go on, but I think
you get the point. Needless to say, I don’t think any of us really has a handle on how to Forgive, “Seventy Times Seven” when someone has hurt us, especially more than once.

There are lots of hurts (trespasses) that each of us has experienced
from those who claim to love us. Hurts like adultery, murder (even if it’s only in our minds), stealing, lying, cheating, selfishness, unfairness, unappreciation, invalidation, jealousy, bitterness, quarreling, resentment, judgment, condemnation, being taken for granted or advantage of, and even a genuine lack of heartfelt concern, and let’s not forget – a lack of forgiveness, from the heart. Those are just some of the hurts we’ve each experienced and, often unintentionally, have put upon others whom we
are supposed to love, as well. Yes, maybe those are the very things we’re holding against someone else, that we’re actually guilty of ourselves. You know, it’s the “Speck and the Log” thing. I really wonder where all of those hurts (sins) line up with Christ, in terms of which one is the worst? Surely, adultery and murder have to be at the top of the “worst sins” list. Oh, and how about the sin of “My shit don’t stink”? I wonder where that one falls in Christ’s list of “bad to worst sins.”

The Dixie-Cup Test

How about if each one of us, who is finding fault with someone else, takes a crap in a little Dixie-Cup and sets it up on a shelf to be examined. In fact, maybe we should all do that. And, I wonder “who’s cup” wouldn’t stink? I believe what Jesus said – “Why do you judge (and find fault with) your neighbor when you, too, are guilty of the same things?” “Do NOT judge, as for how you judge another, you too shall be judged.” Wow! – I came to see that I had so much crap (woundedness) in my own heart, that a Dixie-Cup probably wouldn’t hold it all. And, those wounds were coming out in all sorts of, let's say, less than loving ways.
It didn't happen all the time, but when it did. . . Watch out, that's all. 

Ideally, I believe that’s where Christ comes in – to help clean up our crap. That is to say, “to Heal our broken hearts (wounds).” Sometimes we have to be blinded, before we can truly see. By Grace, I do know what that’s like. Fortunately, Jesus also said that He came “to restore sight to the blind” – like me. Still, it’s a Journey for each of us who, indeed, want to follow. . . and for those of us who truly “want to get well” (be Healed).

I’ve come to the place of wanting to have more honesty and openness in all my relationships. Since being on my Healing Journey, I’ve been blessed with others who, like me, are learning HOW to address the hurts as they happen. We’re also learning how to share our feelings with others, without judgment or condemnation.

It’s become an unwritten rule in many of these relationships. . . like an agreed “healthy understanding.” That is, whenever any of us does or says something that hurts or offends another, we talk about it as
it happens – when that’s possible. It a difficult process to learn and practice, but it’s quite possible when two people are of the same mindset and heart (Spirit). One Heart Matters – and the sooner we recognize that True Love comes from the heart, the sooner we’ll all be FREE to Love each other unconditionally and to Forgive – the way Christ Loves and Forgives each of us.

P.S. I’m not sure that Forrest Gump would “crack up” and think any of

this is all that funny. However, he did say, “I might not be a smart man, but I do know what Love is.” And without the willingness to Forgive, from the Heart, we will have no capacity to Truly Love. Ideally, when it comes to our most personal and intimate relationships, there's just the two of us. . . and without Love, we are nothing. I hope you enjoy the music video and the short story (true account) that follows.

*The Account of God and Two Men
[or Two Women, or a Man and a Woman – You get to choose]

(Jesus, from the Book of Luke 18: 9-14)

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable:

"Two men (or women) went up to the Church to pray, one a Pharisee
(a Good, Honorable, Religious, Holy, Proper and [self] Righteous Man)
and the other a tax collector (someone who obviously “Had PROBLEMS” and who was a Sinner). The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men – robbers, evildoers, adulterers – or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give
a tenth of all I get.' 

"But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a Sinner’.” 

"I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

  

About Forgiveness. . .

And sometimes, it's PLAIN DAMN HARD!

"It's quite true that a 'Lack of Forgiveness' from the Heart, 
as Jesus taught, often does more harm to the person who carries it, 
than it does to the person who isn't being Forgiven.

True Forgiveness is MORE than a simple act of the will.
It's a HEARTFELT RELEASE of our judgments against another, 

 and that's a LOT more complicated. Unforgiveness is one of 
the terrible ways we bind people on earth. Heartfelt Forgiveness is one of the marvelous ways we can loose them. If you're having 
a hard time forgiving, relax. . . ask the Lord for help.

Pray for wisdom, work on healing your own pain, and ask Christ to enable you to release your judgments. If necessary, talk through the issues with the people who have wronged you. One way or another, you'll EVENTUALLY be able to Forgive them from the heart. . . 

How do you KNOW when you've done that? If you find
yourself saying, "I forgive you, but I never want to see you again" -
YOU HAVE NOT FORGIVEN.

(Ken Unger - TransformationIncorporated.com)

How to Forgive Someone

(An Internet Article by Jim Messina)

It's likely you've felt hurt by people in your life by something they said, did or did not do to you. Most probably, you have not always forgiven these people. In fact, you have probably harbored a deep resentment toward them for the way they hurt you. But now, you recognize that it's not good for you to harbor such resentments since they tend to bring you down and depress you. The way to deal with the situation is to revisit and resolve it and that entails forgiving the person who hurt you. Unsure how to do it? Sure you are. But it's not as difficult as you might first think. Here's how to go about forgiving people for something they did in the past-possibly something they don't even remember doing or saying to you.

Step 1 - Recognize the people against whom you harbor resentments: When you are with a person, be it a family member, friend, work colleague, neighbor or associate, and you feel an inner repulsion or negative impulse to avoid and negate them from your space, you can be sure you're resentful towards this person for some reason.

Step 2 - Recognize what the person did that causes you to harbor a resentment: Scroll through the history of your life to identify just what it was that this person you hold a resentment for said or did that hurt you so badly. See TIPS below for identifying what could be the thing that holds your resentment to this person.

Step 3 - Identify for what you are forgiving this person in a script: Now that you have identified the person you want to forgive, you need to get down in writing a "script" which you will follow as you tell this person that you are forgiving her for what was done. See TIPS below for writing a forgiveness script.

Step 4 - Make an assessment as to whether the person is able to receive being forgiven: You need to be sure that if you take the risk to forgive this person that the person will accept it the way it's intended. If the person does not accept your forgiveness in the right way there is a good chance that you will be hurt again-but this time in a more destructive way because your "good intentions" were not accepted in a healing way. If your gesture gets ignored or "played down" then you will feel devalued, unloved, and dismissed all over again by this person. Even if the person is not ready to accept your forgiveness you still need to go to the next step.

Step 5 - Proceed to forgive the person in your heart for the hurts from the past: Once you have scripted out what you are forgiving this person for, do this forgiveness script over and over again in your mind so that, in your heart of hearts, you have forgiven this person for the past hurt.

Continue to work on the forgiveness within your heart over and over again if, by chance, you fall back into hurt and resentment towards this person in the future. Now, however, if in Step 4, after assessing the potential of this person's ability to hear your offer of forgiveness, you recognized that this person was indeed capable of accepting an open statement of forgiveness from you, then you move on to the next step.

Step 6 - Proceed with forgiving the person face to face: Contact the target of your forgiveness to set up a time to meet. Let the person know that you would like the meeting to be held in a quiet setting with no interruptions so that you can share a heartfelt and private concern with the person. Once the person and you are alone in an appropriate environment, proceed to tell the person your script which you prepared in Step 3. Use the TIPS below for how to conduct yourself at this meeting. Also check out the Warnings for what not to expect from this meeting.

Tips & Warnings

How to Identifying the Source of Resentment: Try to figure out: was it an act of commission (meaning the person did something to you directly) or was it an act of omission (meaning the person did not do something to you directly which you wish they had done for you - like accepting your offer to a prom, accepting your offer of engagement, recognized your value and worth as a human being, giving you the job you wanted, etc).

How to Prepare a Forgiveness Script: To prepare your script you need to consider the following: 1. Identify the situation: "When you did such and such to me..." 2. Identify how you felt about it: "I felt such and such ..."(put in how you felt at the time and still feel in some cases). 3. Identify that you now want to forgive this person for what the person did: "When you did such and such, I felt such and such. I want you to know that I forgive you for this and hope that from this point on that we can have a healthy and productive relationship with no harboring of ill will or resentment over this past offense."

What to Assess if a Person is Able to Accept Your Forgiveness: These are some things to look for to determine if a person is ready to receive your heartfelt forgiveness: 1. Does this person have an addiction problem (such as alcohol or drug dependency; gambling; sexual addiction; etc) and is incapable of understanding your offer of forgiveness? 2. Is this person open to "psychologically or spiritually minded" discussions, or is this person so narrow minded that your offer of forgiveness will be handled in a mean spirited way by being put down or diminished? 3. Does this person have an open mind to hear what you have to say or is this person so closed minded that anything you did say in the process of forgiving would be turned around to make you "look stupid" for bringing this issue up in the first place? If the person you want to forgive fits any of the above categories, then you need to forgive this person in your heart but not in an open communications process

What to Do in Your Face to Face Forgiveness Meeting: • Allow the person to feel your sincere feelings of forgiveness. • Let this person see that your words are coming from your heart and that no one has coerced or forced you to take this step. • Help this person recognize that you do not need this person to accept your forgiveness for you to forgive this person. • Let this person know that from this point on in your life you want transparency and openness with him or her. • Let the person know that if in the future, something is said or done in an hurtful way in your dealings together, let the person know that you want to honest, assertive and straight forward and let this person know on the spot. • Make sure the person is clear that at no point in this forgiveness process are you trying to inflict guilt or shame on the person for what that person did in the past • Help the person see that your heart is in need of healing and the best way for you to do this was the pathway of forgiveness of other

What not to expect from a Face to Face Forgiveness Meeting: • Do not expect anything else from this meeting. Do not expect the person to fully understand the importance of why you have just done what you did.

About the Author – Jim Messina: I am a licensed psychologist with over 35 years of experience. I now provide services to children and adults with cancer and to their caretakers and families. I also teach in the Masters Counseling Program at Argosy University. I have written self-help books which are now all available as free-public readings at www.coping.org. My professional career passion has been to assist people improve their low self-esteem. I have been married 35 years and my wife and I have two adult children. You can read more information from Jim at his website: http://www.jamesjmessina.com/home.html