Seeking The Ideal Partner. . .

Why Finding a “Good Christian” Just isn’t Enough

First, some lyrics from the song Man In The Mirror (Michael Jackson).

I'm starting with the man in the mirror,
I'm asking him to change his ways.
No message could have been any clearer –
If you wanna make the world a better place,
   Take a look at yourself and then make the change. . .

You gotta get it right, while you got the time –
'Cause when you close your heart,
then you close your. . . mind!

I recall a conversation with some close friends a few years ago. At the time, I was going through the breakup of an 18-year relationship. My friends had gone through similar painful experiences in their lives, as well. I think it’s good to share our past hurts with others who truly care, provided it involves self-examination and forgiveness.

I’ve experienced that often when people talk about their past relationships, it’s usually (but not always) quite negative. Typically, there’s a lot of the “she did this” or “he did that” (the “blame game”) kind of stuff being shared. However, as one relationship coach said, “If the person you’re interested in is only able to share the negative things about their ex-partner, you might want to think twice about getting seriously involved.” Still, there are the unique exceptions in which some people are able to stop "the finger-pointing” and start “looking in the mirror.” I feel it’s in these rare cases that personal growth and healing can occur.

As our conversation continued, the subject of finding “The Ideal Partner” came up. Granted, we all have our personal preferences as to what the ideal partner might be like – inside and out. As we shared our thoughts and feelings, the subject of “Christianity” also came into the conversation. I listened as the focus began to shift toward the other person’s faith. The shared thought was, “Well you know, if we could ONLY find a ‘Good Christian’ (woman or man) to marry.”  

After listening a bit longer, I spoke up and said, “WAIT A MINUTE – weren’t all of us involved in divorces with people who feel they're ‘Good Christians’ just like us? You know, I think I've learned that having a good, healthy, loving, committed and lasting relationship involves a lot more than just finding a ‘Good Christian.' Maybe it’s going to involve us getting Healing for our past hurts so that we can LEARN how to Forgive and Love, unconditionally.” And, given the rather high divorce rate among “Believers” – well, a majority of my friends are “Good Christians” and many of us have experienced divorce, even more than once. And yes, “God does hate Divorce” – but, He still Loves those of us who go through it. . . unconditionally.

In continuing, I made the point that unless we’re willing to look deeply within ourselves, at our own unhealed wounds and shortcomings, there's a likely chance we could find ourselves in similar unhealthy, unloving, unforgiving and hurtful relationships in the future. It’s really kind of like, “wherever you go (and whomever you’re with) – there YOU are.”

Think about it? Often, our initial emotional attraction to another person involves the similarity of our wounds. It's like, "WOW, that happened to you – well, that happened to me, too." Our hearts meet at the place of woundedness. And, if those wounds haven't been treated so they could heal, it’s often a "painful bloody mess" in the making. It can take a matter of weeks, months or even many long years. Eventually, "the pain and infection from our unhealed hurts comes to the surface," and often upon those whom we've vowed to Love.  

Some psychologists say, “Subconsciously (deep within our hearts), we’re looking to 'relive our past unhealed hurts' in choosing our partners – secretly hoping that somehow, we can rearrange the past negative outcome. Unfortunately and all too often, we just wind up ‘reliving’ the past hurt, making the 'original wound' EVEN WORSE."

Personally, I think the concept of "Pay it Forward" is a just GREAT, but not when it involves "OUR PAIN." Maybe that’s one way of considering what God is talking about in saying, “The sins (hurts) are passed on.” Now, Christ identifies with our wounds and pain, but He never "pays them forward." Instead, “He came to Heal.” (*Isaiah 61:1 & Luke 4:18 KJV). Without His Healing for our past hurts, it's likely that we will "Pain it Forward" to our next "Ideal Partner.”

By Grace, I found that I needed Healing for my own past hurts so that I wouldn’t carry them forward – I needed to be "Set Free." I’ve come to experience that it’s those very (often hidden) “past hurts,” which most of us still carry, that Christ wants to Heal – IF we are willing. Needless to say, my friends and I concluded that having a shared faith in Christ is important, but that being a “Good Christian” (in our own minds) just isn’t enough. Maybe finding someone who's on a similar "Healing Journey" (or who desires that kind of Healing) is equally important? Each of has to be willing to “do the work,” within ourselves. In reality, none of us can “rescue” anyone else. Yes, we can help others in “their Journey,” but we can't heal them – Christ, alone, has that Power.

So, perhaps the true measure of our being a “Good Christian” isn’t about our particular denomination, church attendance, how much we give, how well or often we pray, how loud we sing, or how many Bible verses we’ve memorized. Rather, it’s in our learning how to love, the way God loves us.
 

I believe (and have experienced) that without our willingness to "forgive from the heart" as Jesus taught, we'll have no capacity to Truly Love. It would seem that in every lasting relationship, True Love (sooner or later) will require Heartfelt Forgiveness. God is quite good at that – for us, it may take a little work and practice. I admit that it has for me. 

As I recently shared with a close friend, “The less forgiveness we have toward those who have hurt us in our past relationships, the less likely we’ll be able to express any appreciation for who they were in our lives and what they gave to us – even when they were doing their ‘crummy best’, just like we were.” And, the less willing we are to forgive those in our past relationships, the more likely we’ll be unable to forgive others in our future. The baggage and pain of unforgiveness always seems to follow us forward – that is, until we’re ready and willing to deal with it.

Maybe our prayers need to change from, “Lord, make me a better Christian” to “Lord, show me the ‘man (or woman) in the mirror’. Heal me through Your Forgiveness and teach me how to Love, unconditionally.” Perhaps if we get a “good look in the mirror,” we’ll all be fighting for “a seat in the back of the Temple. . .” It would seem that God will justify (heal) us ONLY when we “get real” about ourselves and where we stand with Christ, regarding the issue of Heartfelt Forgiveness. As Ken Unger once said, “God hears the prayers of desperate people.”

And within ourselves, well, sometimes we just don't have the power to change. But, perhaps we can decide to come to God and simply pray: "Father, You know everything about me – the good and the bad, and yet You still Love me. Lord, I'm asking YOU to Heal me and change me. Help me to Forgive and teach me how to Love, because I just can't do this by myself. I ask this Lord, in Jesus name. Amen."

 

Here's a Beautiful Song about. . . Humility. Maybe, "Give it a Think?" 

 

Search me Lord and know my [broken] heart.
Test me in my anxious thoughts.
See if there are any offensive [hurtful] ways within me
and lead me in Your Way everlasting. (King David)

*The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because He has anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty (free) them that are bruised, to preach the acceptable year of the Lord.(Jesus from the Book of Luke 4:18 (NKJV) 

May this be the "Acceptable Year" that your Healing Journey begins. . .

R Butch David