The School of Life. . . "One on One"

Achieving Straight-A’s in “Relationships-101”

Sharing an Article by Carol McCall 

Perhaps at times, our close, personal and intimate relationships are
like mirrors to some degree. That is, there can be a reflection of each of us, coming from our partners. When problems or disagreements occur,
it can be hard to see those situations in a positive light. But maybe, it’s during those occasions that we have the best opportunities to learn. . .
even how to Love one another, unconditionally. 

I feel God often allows us to experience certain things in our relationships to teach us – primarily about ourselves, and not so much about the other person. According to Scripture (Isaiah 58:9), God appears to have a REAL PROBLEM when we engage in finger-pointing (“The Blame Game"). Unfortunately, most all of us have done that. So, the greatest question
I now often ask is, "Lord, what is it You’re trying to teach ME here, what is it You want me to learn. . . about ME?"

Maybe that question could also be summed-up by asking, "Why do
I do, what I do?" I've often found that it was my past unhealed hurts
(and parental blueprints) that were "driving me” to do things – even to
have the kinds of relationships that I willingly engaged in. Some of those relationships weren't all that "healthy" to begin with. And more often than not, I was bringing some "rather unhealthy stuff" (baggage, attitudes, ways of communicating and unrealistic expectations) into that relationship, as well. In reality, all of us are going to do – what we want to do. And sometimes, it appears that no one can tell us otherwise. It's something we have to figure out and learn for ourselves – God gives all of us a “free-will.”

Having a "Healthy and Healing Relationship" with someone takes a lot
of work. Both people have to be willing and able to "do the work." Most relationships, especially emotionally intimate ones, are kind of like a "Dance Contest." And I've experienced that, sometimes, we and/or our partners just can't dance all that well – or maybe, we (or they) just don't want to, at least not with that particular person. In that case, the dance
is over. . . or so it would often seem.

I've come to really appreciate what God says (asks): "Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?" (Amos 3:3) In reality, I feel that He
is telling us, "Two people CANNOT walk together, UNLESS they ARE in agreement." So, when either person decides that they don't want to "do this dance” (walk together in a relationship). . . well, then I guess I’ll have to accept that reality, along with any disappointment. Hopefully, I can do that without any bitterness, resentment, anger, hostility or vengeance
(in mind). It's usually at that point that I'm asking God for His perspective, understanding, healing, forgiveness (for myself and the other person) and to show me His Way. Ideally, we can't lose anybody because, in Truth,
we don't own anyone in the first place – right? Perhaps, I might have been better off asking for some Wisdom, insight and perspective, in regards to that relationship, from the get-go? Or, did my apparent needs and/or desires (at the time) dictate my actions? 

When I take the time to look at my past (and current) relationships, I often find myself "wishing" that I would’ve done (or said) some things differently. It’s like in the movie What About Bob?, starring Bill Murray. Bob had been trying desperately to get a hold of Dr. Marvin (played by Richard Dreyfuss). But because Dr. Marvin was on vacation and unavailable, Bob decides to "recruit" a hooker to call Dr. Marvin and pretend that she's Dr. Marvin's sister. When the call goes through and Dr. Marvin answers, Bob gets on the line and the resulting "cut-off" by Dr. Marvin, because of the deceit involved, was rather predictable. Bob, realizing his foolishness in trying to get his way, then says, “Oh gosh – that was not smart!”  

Yes, regret is often inevitable. Still, those are the times that I ask God about what it is He wants me to learn. The focus is often on relational areas that I need to improve in. Some of those areas involve how well
I communicate with and relate to others, how I respond, how I initiate, how well I listen (truly hear), how well I acknowledge and validate others and, ultimately, how well I Love unconditionally and without expectations. Also, when people hurt me – even how well I’m able and/or are willing to Forgive from the Heart.  

I've often found that it was in my "expectations" of others that I would usually get let down the most. As a close friend says, "Our expectations of others will often cause us pain and suffering – and sometimes we just haven't 'suffered enough'. . . and we have to go through that." For me, learning how to "place my expectations upon God" has been, and will continue to be, a BIG PART of my Healing Journey. I also really like that saying, "Be patient with me, 'cause God's not done with me, just yet." 

Maybe our relationships are like “classes” and we’re really all enrolled in “The School of Life.” Before we can graduate from school, we have to take various classes (courses) and get a passing grade. And, perhaps those classes involve our personal (intimate) relationships. To me, that makes sense because God sent us His Son primarily to teach us about "relationships." What I've personally experienced is this – if I don't "learn a particular lesson" (very well), it would seem that I’ll have to take that class over and go through it again – this time with a different person, until ideally, I pass that class and learn what it is that I’m supposed to learn. And once again. . . it’s usually NOT about the “other person.” 

Most of us know the saying, “Practice make Perfect.” However, I recall my son sharing with me (at age ten) what his bowling instructor once told him. . . “Practice makes Permanent.” It would seem that if we’re not willing to “look at our own stuff” (and deal with it), then perhaps the same mistakes that we make over and over, start to seem a bit permanent – until we’re willing to learn how to do some things differently. . . especially when it comes to our personal relationships.

I think that's how we learn and, maybe, that's part of the Transformation that we have to go through, if we’re willing. I get the sense that God is rather serious about us being conformed (transformed) into the "Image and Likeness" of His Son. And truly, without Unconditional Love and Heartfelt Forgiveness, we'll never get there – at least not any time soon. So in His Love, God will keep bringing up the same heart-matters and personal issues, and He’ll often use our relationships with others to do so. And,
I truly believe that God wants His very best for each of us.

 

Sometimes, it's during the difficulties and pain we experience that we're actually able to grow and learn the most. Now hopefully, there's some Healing of our past and current hurts taking place, as well. I've learned
and experienced that the "Healing" won't happen without our willingness
to “Forgive from the Heart,” which is what Jesus taught. And, that’s something we need Him to help us with. He knows what it's like to be rejected, abandoned, lied to, manipulated, scoffed at, beaten, bruised 

and broken – and yet He Forgives, completely. That's why we need Him – He can (and does) identify with ALL of our wounds. I feel I also need Him to teach me about how to have loving relationships – to do them “right.” Maybe, I’m just starting to understand that saying, “When the student
is willing. . . The Teacher is ready.”

 
Following, is an article I found on having successful relationships. The article was written by a woman, primarily for women. However, I feel
these are things that should be expressed in EVERY relationship and, ideally, they should go both ways – from men to women, as well. Granted, there are many more relational aspects involved in having a happy, healthy, committed and lasting relationship, but I also think this
is a great place to start. And truly, I want to get this stuff down – so that eventually I’ll pass this “Relationship Class” and be able to graduate. . . maybe even with a close, personal, intimate partner and friend.

Here's a short music-video that I hope you'll enjoy, and following is an article that relates to having "Healthy and Healing Relationships" with one another. I hope you'll take the time to watch, listen, read and learn. After all, Life IS a Journey. . .

R Butch David 

The Three A’s For A Successful Relationship

(By Carol McCall Ph. D., M.C.C.*)

What are the 3-A’s For A Successful Relationship?

 

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT  –  APPRECIATION  –  ACCEPTANCE

The 3-A’s work particularly well when done consistently (daily) in all cases, between partners. This article addresses the relationship between women and men. While the 3-A’s apply equally as well to men relating to women, the focus of this article relates to the program, The Possibility of Woman (POW).

1 – ACKNOWLEDGEMENT: Recognition of the existence
     or the truth of something. 

Many women neglect to say “Thank You” for the numerous things that
the men in their lives do for them. Whether he’s a life partner, son, father, brother or male relative, men enjoy being acknowledged for thoughtfulness. It’s important to acknowledge the actions taken by men to support any activity that women are engaged in. A simple “Thank You,” given consistently, goes a long way!

According to Dr. David Wexler, founder of The Relationship Training Institute in San Diego, California, “Women don’t realize how much power they have in men’s lives. Many women don’t understand how their level of approval or disapproval, their look of love or disgust can deeply affect a man’s sense of well-being, connection and value.”
A “thank you for your thoughtfulness” can increase and strengthen the value men are looking for in relationships.

2 – APPRECIATION: An expression of admiration or approval;
     an increase in value.

Women often fall into criticizing a man’s effort by telling him he’s not
doing enough and/or ignoring what he does do. After hearing this criticism over a period of time, he will stop doing much of anything. Dr. Wexler calls this a “buzz kill” (a turn-off, discouragement) that prevents the man from becoming the man a woman wants him to be. Pay attention to the things that he does “right” and give him feedback. Say “I really appreciate how you helped me at dinner tonight” or “I appreciate how you spoke to the children about their school work.” Appreciation increases a man’s self-esteem (value).

3 – ACCEPTANCE: A recognition, respect either expressly
     or by conduct to an act or offer.

First, let the men in women’s lives KNOW what’s important to them
(the women). This is NOT asking “permission” – as in “daddy-may-I,”
it’s giving information. The information is to be clear, honest, brief
(no stories/no past histories) and non-defensive.

Second, keep it simple. Explain what about the topic or situation is important – without drama, and what it means to women when men’s actions are consistent with what has been requested. Don’t “expect men to mind-read.” Many women fall into the lazy habit of thinking “well if he loved me, he’d read my mind.” Men need to be accepted for what they do and who they are 99.9% of the time. When women want men to listen without solving their problems, then “ask” them to “listen for 5 minutes” without interruption. . . and make sure they agree to the request BEFORE talking. STOP!!! after five minutes and then let them know it’s time to “accept” feedback, comments and/or input. By the way (in this context) acceptance DOES NOT mean agreement. In this context it means recognition and respect for another perspective. Accept what is said and let the men know their perspectives will be considered when choosing the best solution to a situation.

Third, make it worth his while! When a man is asked to be more romantic and he tells a woman she looks great in a particular outfit – ACCEPT what he says by giving a positive response! Give them the information on “how to” relate to women (men are comfortable with operating instructions) and then acknowledge, appreciate and accept them on becoming “experts” on the “guidelines” that have been provided to them.

*Carol McCall, Ph.D., M.C.C. (Master Certified Coach) is a Social Psychologist with over 40+ yrs of outstanding experience as an entrepreneur, business executive, educator, author and therapist. She
has reached over two million people through her workshops, articles, TV appearances, corporate clients and performance coaching practice.
http://www.listeningprofitsu.com/