Attraction vs. Attachment

Insight on Why We May Choose, Whom We Choose

Based on an Article by Robert Burney entitled:
"Letting Go of Emotionally Unavailable People."
 
While researching information on relationships over the past few years,
I’ve read that “people tend to attract others who are in a ‘similar station of life’.” In a related, but slightly different tone, it’s also been stated that we often “attract others who have a ‘similar woundedness’ to our own.” Subconsciously (or consciously?), it’s kind of like. . .
“That happened to you? Wow, that happened to me, too!” Truly, I feel we can be “attracted” to someone for a variety of reasons. But then, who we become “attached to” often seems to reveal some truth from those previous statements.

There can be many reasons for our “initial attraction” to someone else.
We can be attracted because of their physical appeal or personality, something about their character, or simply because of the way that they treat us. Or it might be their fame, fortune, ministry, occupation or status that attracts us. And then, there’s always the “opposites attract” cliché – which is quite common. Now although opposites may often attract each other, initially, in many cases they seldom wind up staying together, in the long-run. There has to be something shared, relationally, other than just the differences.

Now it’s after the initial attraction (often referred to as “infatuation”) that we either become somewhat “attached” to another person, even if only temporarily, or we don’t. And therein lies the real question, which is:  

“Is our potential ‘attachment’ to
someone moving BOTH of us in a
‘Healthy and Healing’ relational direction –
Or, is it really just ‘two wounded Souls’
finding compatibility in OUR unhealed pain?” 

The former can have positive results – the latter often seems, well, rather predictable. I think that a lasting relationship ("attachment") really boils down to a question of compatibility – especially of the heart and mind.
So maybe, that’s why God asks the question: “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” (Amos 3:3)  Ideally, I feel that the “healthier” each of us is, individually, the better chance there is to having a “Happy and Healthy Relationship” – especially over time. And although it's been proven that time does not heal – it often does reveal. . .

The following article shares some interesting thoughts on “Why We May Choose, Whom We Choose,” relationally speaking. Ideally, I feel that
for a relationship to be Happy, Healthy, Loving and Lasting, BOTH partners need to be focused on a “Healing Path” in which we can help each other to forgive and heal the hurts of our past. And, that also includes helping each other to “deal with” (and Heal) any current and future hurts that may come our way, as a "couple."

For myself and others, we've found that “Forgiveness from the Heart” (which Jesus taught) is the “Path of Healing” that enables us to truly Love each other unconditionally and, perhaps, without expectations. And truly, our expectations of others are often coming from unresolved issues and hurts from our previously unhealed relationships, not to mention the "parental blueprints" and other relational deficiencies which we've experienced from our own childhood. So, maybe the solution is just like when your car is giving you trouble. . . “You can't 'get it fixed' until you know what's broken.” And sometimes, the "brokenness" is within ourselves. . . and THAT'S the part that needs to get fixed, first.

Here's to Hope, Happiness and Healing – For ALL of Us,

R Butch David

Letting Go of Emotionally Unavailable People

(By Robert Burney)

In our diseased [wounded – rbd] defense system we build up huge walls
to protect ourselves and then – as soon as we meet someone who will help us to repeat our patterns of abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and/or deprivation – we lower the drawbridge and invite them in. We, in our Codependence, have radar systems which cause us to be attracted to, and attract to us, the people, who for us personally, are exactly the most untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering or abusive or whatever we
need to repeat our patterns) individuals – exactly the ones who will
"push our buttons." 

This happens because those people feel familiar. Unfortunately in childhood the people whom we trusted the most – were the most familiar, and also hurt us the most. So the effect is that we keep repeating our patterns and being given the reminder that it is not safe to trust ourselves or other people.

Once we begin Healing we can see that the Truth is, that it is not safe to trust as long as we are reacting out of the emotional wounds and attitudes of our childhoods. Once we start Recovering, then we can begin to see that on a Spiritual level these repeating behavior patterns “are opportunities to heal the childhood wounds.”

"I spent most of my life being the victim of my own thoughts, my own emotions and my own behaviors.  I was consistently picking untrustworthy people to trust and unavailable people to love. I could not trust my own emotions because I was incapable of being honest with myself emotionally – which made me incapable of truly being honest on any level." *

Codependency is an incredibly insidious, treacherous disease. It is a compulsively reactive condition in which our ego programming from childhood dictates how we live our lives today. As long as we are not in recovery from our codependency, we are powerless to make clear choices in discerning whether or not someone we are attracted to is available for a healthy relationship – we are in fact, doomed to keep repeating patterns. 

Emotionally we are drawn to people who feel familiar on an energetic level. That is, people who, on an emotional vibrational level, resonate with us as being familiar. It feels to us as if we have a strong connection to those people. In other words, we have an inner radar system that causes us to be attracted to people who resonate vibrationally in a way that is familiar on an emotionally intimate level.  We are attracted to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our most powerful and earliest experience of emotional intimacy and love – our parents.

No matter how much we are making an effort on a conscious level to not pick anyone like our parents, energetically we feel a strong attraction to people whose inner emotional dynamic is similar to our first experience
of love. It was very important for me to get aware of the reality that
if I met someone who felt like my soul mate, I had better watch out. Those are exactly the people who will fit my patterns – and recreate my wounding.

It was very important for me to recognize the power of this type of attraction. And also to realize, that on a Spiritual level, these people were teachers who were in my life to help me get in touch with my childhood wounds. It was vital for me to start being aware that if I met someone who felt like my soul mate, it did not mean we were going to live happily ever after. What it meant was that I was being given another wonderful, and painful, opportunity for growth.

Becoming conscious of these emotional energetic dynamics was a very important part of owning my power. My power to make choices, to accept consequences, to take responsibility for my choices and consequences – and to not buy into the belief that I was being victimized by the other person, or my own defectiveness [woundedness – rbd].

Recognizing unavailability in the other person does not mean that
I have to let go of the relationship – at least not immediately, but it could be something I will decide to do eventually. 

What is so important, is to let go of focusing on that person as the cause of, or solution to, my problems.  We are in our codependency as long as we are focusing on the other person and buying into the illusion that if we just: work a little harder, lose some more weight; make some more money; do and/or say the right things – whatever – that the other person will change and be everything we want them to be.

Codependents focus on others to keep from looking at themselves.  We need to let go of focusing on the other person and start focusing inside to understand what is happening. Our adult patterns, the people we have been in relationship with, are symptoms – effects of our childhood wounding. We cannot solve a problem without looking at the cause. Focusing on symptoms (which our society is famous for:  war on drugs, war on poverty, etc.) will not heal the cause.

The reason that we get involved with people who are unavailable, is because we are unavailable. We are attracted to people who feel familiar because on some level we are still trying to prove our worth by earning the Love and respect of our unavailable parents. We think we are going to rescue the other person which will prove our worth – or that we need them to rescue us because of our lack of worth. The princess will kiss me and turn me from a frog into a prince, the prince will rescue
me and take me to live in the castle, syndrome. We need to own our own worth – our own "Prince- or Princess-ness" before we can be available for a healthy relationship with someone who has owned their own worth. 

It is not possible to love someone enough to get them to stop hating and being unavailable to them self. We need to let go of that delusion. We need [each of us - rbd] to focus on healing our self – on understanding
and healing the emotional wounds that have driven us to pick people who could not give us what we want emotionally. We need to develop some healthy emotional intimacy with ourselves before we are capable of being available for a healthy relationship with someone who is also available.

*All quotes in this color are from the book
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
http://www.recoverycodependence.com/