An Article by John Grey, Ph.D
Most People Dream about Having a Soul Mate. . .
But Few Turn the Dream into a Reality
But Few Turn the Dream into a Reality
The idea of a Soul Mate has both, conscious or unconscious, elements. Even if we do not intellectually believe in Soul Mates, we are still affected. Many people openly and consciously yearn for a Soul Mate. They may even believe one person is out there for them, that “right” person.
In Rutgers University’s National Marriage Project Survey, 94% of people surveyed said: “When you marry, you want your spouse to be your soul mate, first and foremost.” Another 88% said: “There is a special person,
a Soul Mate, waiting for you out there.” But even those who don’t believe
in Soul Mates consciously are just as affected by a similar idea that operates unconsciously – and more powerfully. We all hold some unconscious list of notions describing an “ideal” relationship partner.
a Soul Mate, waiting for you out there.” But even those who don’t believe
in Soul Mates consciously are just as affected by a similar idea that operates unconsciously – and more powerfully. We all hold some unconscious list of notions describing an “ideal” relationship partner.
But reality inevitably fails to match our ideals. And we judge and react to real people according to our ideals. As a result, many relationships that have potential are blocked, if not lost. And dissatisfaction, unhappiness and upsets are unconsciously generated. Is the very notion of “Soul Mate” (conscious or unconscious) just a self-limiting fantasy – an idealization which only keeps us from ever feeling truly satisfied with a real-life human partner? Or are we not seeing a positive potential here?
Something Vital about Relationships
What I will tell you about Soul Mates is a paradox that goes beyond fantasies, myths, empty hopes or hype. It may get you to realize something vital about relationships, no matter what you believe
about Soul Mates.
Perhaps I have nothing more useful to say than the next guy, if all you want to talk about is belief systems or occult theories. But I’m not going
to discuss beliefs or theories here. They don’t interest me at all. I’m only interested in practical results that you can see, hear, touch and feel – something that you can live!
to discuss beliefs or theories here. They don’t interest me at all. I’m only interested in practical results that you can see, hear, touch and feel – something that you can live!
Day in and day out I work with couples in all situations and predicaments. I witness what builds true, lasting, and profoundly satisfying Love. This is a Love which sometimes fills couples when they are starting out. They say they feel just like “Soul Mates” – so enormous and enveloping is the Love they feel. It’s easy to feel like you are Soul Mates in the midst of a passionate and seemingly endless honeymoon.
When you feel like Soul Mates at the end of a decade, something else is involved. It is not a fantasy, but a realization based on a real-world track record, already well-tested by time.
Meeting Your Soul Mate vs. Becoming Soul Mates
I figure this – you don’t just meet a “Soul Mate” and live happily ever
after, like the myth that we all would prefer to believe says. Instead, I
have observed that real world Soul Mates become that – by growing together in certain ways and working through challenges successfully –
as contrasted with how many other couples get stuck in less fulfilling, impoverished relationships. Putting this together, the following formula occurred to me:
after, like the myth that we all would prefer to believe says. Instead, I
have observed that real world Soul Mates become that – by growing together in certain ways and working through challenges successfully –
as contrasted with how many other couples get stuck in less fulfilling, impoverished relationships. Putting this together, the following formula occurred to me:
Love at First Sight + Honeymoon = Potential Soul Mates
Love that Overcomes Challenges = Real-World Soul Mates
I define real-world Soul Mates as two partners who engage in overcoming challenges that test their relationship.
This is not something you can forecast in advance, when you initially fall in love. So, in a real sense, whether you feel like “Soul Mates” or not at the start of a relationship does not tell you how you will end up a decade later. Real-world Soul Mates are tempered by time, like metal by fire. Time reveals that they persistently chose to learn and grow when confronted by challenges.
All relationships get tested and challenged, simply because all of us
have some personal growth to do – no matter who your partner is. Soul Mates are partners who actually do their growth in the face of a challenge. Many couples start off with great hopes and dreams, are potential Soul Mates, but then falter when challenges arise.
have some personal growth to do – no matter who your partner is. Soul Mates are partners who actually do their growth in the face of a challenge. Many couples start off with great hopes and dreams, are potential Soul Mates, but then falter when challenges arise.
With today’s high rate of relationship dissatisfaction, and divorce, it’s
time for major change. Regardless of intellectual beliefs, most of us unconsciously hold onto a fantasy-based Soul Mate Myth. The danger with this Soul Mate ideal – whether we subscribe consciously, or unconsciously – is that in times of challenge, we usually find our real-world partner comes up short of our internal idealized, hoped-for
mate. And then we, ourselves, start to think and act in ways that hurt our real-world relationship. I find it critical to turn the myth inside-out, to create an inspiring and useful approach to long-term happiness in Love.
time for major change. Regardless of intellectual beliefs, most of us unconsciously hold onto a fantasy-based Soul Mate Myth. The danger with this Soul Mate ideal – whether we subscribe consciously, or unconsciously – is that in times of challenge, we usually find our real-world partner comes up short of our internal idealized, hoped-for
mate. And then we, ourselves, start to think and act in ways that hurt our real-world relationship. I find it critical to turn the myth inside-out, to create an inspiring and useful approach to long-term happiness in Love.
The Honeymoon. . .
Falling in Love is like a Spiritual Experience
Falling in Love is like a Spiritual Experience
When couples first fall in love, it is the “Honeymoon” – a time of magic and wonder. Hearts open. Spirits soar. In this expansive state, with ecstatic feelings of being in love, couples may feel they are Soul Mates. Here is the sense I make of this. The feeling of “being Soul Mates” is all about the incredible openness and receptivity, the expansion so far beyond our norm and comfort zone, the heightened clear access to energy and passion.
This is our internal state. We assume it comes from outside of us – from the other person we are with. In a word, we call them our “Soul Mate”. But, what we are really talking about is our own internal state of expansion. Some say the honeymoon is like a spiritual experience. But, reality says the honeymoon does not last forever. So it’s important to refine our thinking about Soul Mates, True Love, and what is essential for
a lasting relationship.
a lasting relationship.
Love is everything, right? We want the honeymoon to last forever. If you find your Soul Mate, you live happily ever after, right? It’s predestined, right? What every honeymoon lover hopes for, and wants to believe, is that famous song verse is going to be true for them: “All you need is Love…”
Love is Not Enough
It takes more than just love – or that incomparable opening and expansion in the honeymoon – to have a lasting relationship. Countless couples start with total positive feelings of being “In Love,” and then somewhere down the road, they painfully split up. What does this reality tell us?
In the honeymoon, we coast along in a purely receptive role. There is nothing we have to do. We just enjoy all those great honeymoon feelings of being in love. During this phase, we feel our partner inspires and uplifts us. Yet when differences or upset feelings arise in a relationship, as inevitably they will, we find ourselves without our source of inspiration. Both partners want that missing uplift, and neither is able to
inspire it.
inspire it.
Finding a “Soul Mate” is Not Enough
There is the moment in all relationships when a couple turns from the bliss of the honeymoon and encounters their first problem, issue, difference or upset. This is a shock, and may lead to disappointment or doubts. The expansion and openness of the honeymoon reverses, and there is a contraction. Just like the initial opening, the contraction – the closing down – is an internal state. Yet, just as before, it is blamed on the other person. Now, we think, “This is not the right person after all…”
That is the Soul Mate Myth coming alive inside of us, affecting us
to think and possibly act in ways that will take our relationship down a negative path. In this sense, the common myth of Soul Mates is a very dangerous one indeed – because it usually ends
up being a relationship-breaker.
to think and possibly act in ways that will take our relationship down a negative path. In this sense, the common myth of Soul Mates is a very dangerous one indeed – because it usually ends
up being a relationship-breaker.
Often people can't see what to do when their relationship gets challenged or tested by time. Each partner hopes the other will re-inspire all those great “In Love” feelings of opening and expanding. This way of thinking is a trap. You make it the other person’s job to open you. It cannot be done. When you get right down to it, couples in this trap are being passive and out of touch with their own true power of loving.
The trap is this: Each person is depending on the other person to make things better again. That’s called co-dependency. As it never works, each ends up resenting the other person. In the honeymoon, the relationship theme is: “YOU make me feel great!” But when challenges arise, in the next phase of Love – and if couples remain passive – the next theme becomes: “YOU make me feel bad.”
Deepening Love Beyond the Honeymoon –
Lasting Soul Mates are Not Passive
Lasting Soul Mates are Not Passive
There is that next phase to Love, the one beyond the honeymoon. If we want a great relationship to deepen and last, we need to realize that “happily ever after” includes feelings other than happiness. There will also be challenges. We are the ones who must realize it is our own openness that is the key to keeping a relationship great and growing – and then learn to re-open ourselves – even when there are challenges. Especially when there are challenges!
The myth of “Soul Mates” is about a relationship that is blue sky forever – always sunny, and that sunshine pours down on us, brightens us up, and lifts us. In real-world relationships, challenges come. The sky occasionally clouds. We are asked to stay present with what is – not run and hide, waiting for the rainy day to pass. We are challenged to put aside limiting beliefs and embrace the rain, realizing that even rain has
a positive purpose.
a positive purpose.
Relationship is our greatest teacher. It tells us what we need to learn next in life for our personal growth. In love we are called on to “do the work” – to become more skillful in relating, move beyond our past wounds and limits, and grow as human beings. This personal growth will include learning new tools and strategies in how we communicate, behave, and process emotions.
Soul Mates Engage in Personal Growth –
Love Brings Up Our Lesson Plan
Love Brings Up Our Lesson Plan
In the most challenging case, relationship work means showing up in a new way when both partners are stuck in negativity. It means embracing the upsets and learning how to expand and elevate the situation.
Couples who are becoming Soul Mates are willing to learn how to open themselves, even when the going gets rough. They commit to learn to bring out their best, instead of passively giving way to their habitual reactions. They refuse to simply close down into fear, withdrawal, self-defensiveness, resentment, blame, criticism, or the many other common ways we destroy our own relationships. As a Japanese proverb suggests: “The Obstacle IS the Path.”
You are called on to instigate positive transformation. Each partner needs to come forward in times of challenge and expand to the occasion, rather than closing down. What prevents us from doing this work is the lack of a good model for how to do it. How many couples did you witness doing this when you were growing up?
Did We Learn to "Do the Work" of Relationship?
We were told “Relationships take work.” But, we are sadly lacking in useful guidelines, strategies or models for doing that work. We have few tools or understandings that lift us to transform, much less resolve, our upsets.
Most of us were raised in families which did not model how to do the work. We have seldom seen it done well, and may not even know a couple that can do it at all. For over three decades, our society has had persistently poor statistics on the lasting success of love, relationship or marriage. It is becoming clear that if we want to beat the odds and succeed in a great, long-term relationship, we need to learn to do the work of relationship ourselves. We need to pioneer a new path.
Let’s start this work now, by consciously proposing a real-world definition for the word “Soul Mates.” A useful definition:
How Do You Know if You Are True “Soul Mates”?
You are real-world Soul Mates if you’re both doing your personal growth work in the face of challenges. You cannot know it by the honeymoon phase alone. To know you are real-world Soul Mates, you need to see how you both show up to work with real-world upsets, sensitivities, differences and challenges.
Some couples start with all the magic feelings about being Soul Mates – and then it fizzles. Continuing to want a passive solution to love, they conclude their partner was not the “right person” after all. They then look for the next honeymoon high, hitch the next passive ride – until it crashes.
Other couples do not even think the word Soul Mate, nor do they believe in magic. But they commit to personal growth and face each lesson that Love brings up. After awhile, doing the work of relationship over the years, they can see the solid trust and intimacy they have built, and there is little doubt in their hearts – they ARE Soul Mates, in the sense that they are now experiencing a solidity in their Love which has never occurred previously in their lives.
The solidity and clarity of this feeling of being “Soul Mates” is based
on the personal growth which enables you, yourself, to stay open even
in the face of a challenge, problem or emotionally-charged issue. It is in that openness that these difficulties resolve and Love grows even stronger. In many ways, the expectations of the normal myth of Soul Mates is what keeps us from opening to our real-world mate – once we feel closed, upset, disappointed, or any other negative feeling.
on the personal growth which enables you, yourself, to stay open even
in the face of a challenge, problem or emotionally-charged issue. It is in that openness that these difficulties resolve and Love grows even stronger. In many ways, the expectations of the normal myth of Soul Mates is what keeps us from opening to our real-world mate – once we feel closed, upset, disappointed, or any other negative feeling.
But paradoxically, it is in the willingness to open, and re-open again – as often as needed – and embrace the obstacle directly in front
of you – that you finally get to a more continual and expanded state, a reliable fullness of love, and the deep core sense of being Soul Mates. This is very different than the early sense of openness and expansiveness in the honeymoon, where you get your first glimpse of the feeling of being Soul Mates. It is based on real world experience, and passing the tests where most couples fail. And you KNOW that. There is no longer any doubt.
of you – that you finally get to a more continual and expanded state, a reliable fullness of love, and the deep core sense of being Soul Mates. This is very different than the early sense of openness and expansiveness in the honeymoon, where you get your first glimpse of the feeling of being Soul Mates. It is based on real world experience, and passing the tests where most couples fail. And you KNOW that. There is no longer any doubt.
Soul Mates happen, of course, when both partners are simultaneously doing this. Becoming Soul Mates is not a solitary process. It is the result of two people opening, even in the face of challenges. You know you are with a “Soul Mate” if you are both doing your Soul-Work together. Soul-Work is that courageous self-opening, expanding and growing as a chosen response to challenges that close down most people.
In doing that work, you evolve yourself and your soul matures.
The requirement is being willing to take a challenge to heart and respond to it by learning new tools, strategies or understandings
to overcome it. Doing that enables you to succeed in building a partnership so unparalleled that the best way you have to describe that in words – is that you are truly Soul Mates.
The requirement is being willing to take a challenge to heart and respond to it by learning new tools, strategies or understandings
to overcome it. Doing that enables you to succeed in building a partnership so unparalleled that the best way you have to describe that in words – is that you are truly Soul Mates.
