Leaving Out the “Ifs,” “Buts” and Expectations

(Sharing an Article by Joseph Burgo, Ph.D)

So let me ask you. . . when God puts it on your Heart, or someone else informs you, that you have OFFENDED, WRONGED or HURT someone (even possibly them) – Do you apologize? And if so, what “form” does
that apology take – I mean, what exactly does that look like and how does it really come across? Sometimes, what we say and what another person actually HEARS can be two very different things – especially if they're "hurting."

Recently, a close friend and I got into a rather “heated” debate about. . . Apologies. And unfortunately, by the time it was over, it actually turned into (what appeared to be) an all-out argument. Fortunately though, this Friend and I, who had previously made an agreement with each other
to “work out ANY disagreement” in a timely fashion – did just that.
The truth be told, I feel that we each became accountable during the disagreement, not only to each other, but also to God. And, I also feel that because of our mutual willingness to work through things –
we grew little closer. . .

Life is tough and relationships can be even tougher. But, my Friend and I are both aware of what God says about “Not letting the Sun go down on our anger.” In effect, settle disputable matters quickly (hopefully sooner rather than later) before the Enemy gets in to sow any seeds of bitterness and resentment in our Hearts.

Truly, I feel that my Friend and I were able to do just that. Sincere apologies were exchanged, and although we may still have to “work through a few things on that subject,” I feel good about the fact that he’s my True Friend. Because ideally, “Love covers (deals with) a multitude of sins (hurts).” Love does NOT IGNORE the hurts, even if they’re unintentional. Neither, does True Love “sweep things under the rug.”
Nor does Love minimize or invalidate what someone else is feeling. Ideally, it would appear that God “wants a clean slate” in ALL of our Hearts and, especially, in our Personal Relationships with others.

In my own experience, I’ve come to the place where I apologize to others, quite freely, as I feel moved in the Spirit to do so. And by Grace, I often (not always) have a sense of “conviction” about having offended someone, even before they bring it to my attention. But, that doesn’t mean that
I would reject someone sharing with me how I may have offended them. Ideally, I agree with another close Friend who sees “disagreements, bumps and obstacles in relationships” as opportunities to learn
how to “Love and Forgive”. . . the way God does.

Now when I do apologize, I seldom follow-up my apology by asking,
“Will you forgive me?” And, you might feel quite differently about
that – and that's okay. But, I’ve come to feel that when I would ask that question, I was actually “placing an expectation” upon the other person. For me, I've come to learn that expectations bring suffering – so I don’t “ask,” nor do I really expect anything. Rather, I do my best to apologize (from my Heart) and leave it at that. In my life, there's been more than one occasion when I’ve apologized to someone and then “asked for Forgiveness” – and as a result, what I "expected" in return, never happened. Perhaps, I was supposed to be learning something?

So with Apologies in mind, I’m sharing the following article written by another author. Perhaps, my Friend (or you) will agree with the perspective which is shared – or maybe not. But I will say this about the subject of “Apologies” – I feel it really takes a “Humble Heart” to look upon one’s own shortcomings, in order to “do the right thing”. . . and Apologize. And in like fashion, it also takes a “Spirit of Humility” to receive an Apology and to “Forgive from the Heart” as Jesus taught. As it is, I’m grateful for my Friend – and I know He has a LOT of Love and Forgiveness in his Heart. . . even for me.

R Butch David 

The Art of the Apology

(By Joseph Burgo, Ph.D)

Over the holidays, I said something hurtful to someone I care about. It got me thinking about how to make a genuine apology, and the emotional obstacles that stand in the way of saying “I’m sorry.”

Nobody likes to admit he or she is wrong, for starters. Most of us want to believe we’re sensitive and that it’s other people who are the problem. Also, the guilty feelings that come with recognizing you’ve hurt someone else, along with the blow to your self-esteem when you see yourself behaving badly, are not easy to tolerate. Typically, we’ll try to defend against those painful feelings by justifying ourselves.

In my own case, I noticed I kept telling myself that the hurtful thing I’d said was actually true. I would focus on the other person’s irritating behavior; although I never told myself so in these exact words, the implication was that they deserved to be told. Repeated self-justification in the form of mental “arguments” in which you keep trying to convince yourself or somebody else that you’re in the right usually means just the opposite. Eventually, I recognized my fault.

So how to apologize?  Here is my cardinal rule for how to frame an apology: genuine apologies never contain the words “IF” or “BUT”.  For example, never say, “I’m sorry IF I hurt your feelings,” or even
“I apologize for being insensitive, BUT such-and-such happened earlier …” Those words have the effect of watering down the apology
by either calling the injury into doubt or assigning true responsibility elsewhere. I’ve often heard people tell me, “I’m sorry IF I came across too strong in what I said to you,” or something similar. . . those apologies always felt half-hearted. I notice that once I decide I’ve
done something wrong and begin to frame an apology, “IF” or “BUT” always appears in the first draft.

Second, keep it simple and straight-forward, then step back. I’ve heard other advice which holds that any genuine apology must include
the asking of forgiveness. I completely disagree. In those cases where I’ve been hurt and eventually received an apology, even in those rare cases where it did not contain the word “IF” or “BUT," by the time the person apologized, I was too angry to offer genuine forgiveness in the moment.  Sometimes, it takes a while for an apology to sink in and you have to leave the person room to get over [hopefully “deal with” – rbd] feeling angry with you for the hurt.  Besides, asking for forgiveness demands something of the other person — that he or she immediately exonerate you by putting an end to your feelings of guilt and regret. By asking for forgiveness, you once again shift responsibility off your own shoulders.

An apology should be a completely one-sided communication, an acknowledgement of guilt and regret on your side, asking nothing in return. You don’t have to grovel. Just give your [sincere – rbd] apology and accept that it may take time to repair the damage. If we’ve done or said something especially hurtful, we may have permanently scarred the relationship. I recall one friendship that I permanently damaged
by telling the truth in a deliberately hurtful way, although I didn’t recognize it at the time, and then offering an apology that included the word “IF.” Tolerating real, possibly lasting guilt and regret are part of tendering a true apology.

Finding Your Own Way:

Make a genuine apology. For most of us, it shouldn’t be too difficult to identify bad behavior on our part. Feel your resistance to owning up, listen for the self-justifications. Try to isolate the other’s person’s behavior or any contributing factors from your own misdeeds; take full responsibility for the hurt YOU inflicted.

Frame your apology, beginning with the words “I’m sorry,” then edit it carefully. Make sure not to include the words “IF” or “BUT”; make no reference to anything the other person did that might qualify your statement of regret.

Then step back and leave the other person alone with your apology. Don’t demand forgiveness. Accept that you may have to
live with guilt and regret, despite having apologized.

www.afterpsychotherapy.com/art-of-the-apology/

Lastly, I'm hoping that you'll consider watching this Music-Video and listening to the "Message" in the lyrics. What Jesus said, God meant. . . "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do." And for me, I feel that "Forgiveness" is something WE do - not only to release someone else, but especially, to take the burden off of our own Heart and shoulders. . . setting ourselves FREE.