Connecting With Our Partners

“The 5 Love Languages” Assessment Test

About twenty years ago, I was privileged to be in an audience listening to a man named Dr. Gary Chapman. At the time, he had recently published his new book entitled, “The 5 Love Languages" – How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.”

As he spoke about relationships and our need for connection through healthy communication, a lot of what he shared just resonated in my heart. I had just been married a year earlier and, together, we felt that
this was the kind of thing that could only help us in the long run.

Gary spoke about each of us having different Love Languages – those
are the ways in which each of us is “wired” or programmed to experience and feel Love from one another. "The 5 Love Languages" he spoke of were these:

– Words of Affirmation   – Acts of Service   – Receiving Gifts  
– Quality Time   – Physical Touch (Intimacy)

These Love Languages are the ways in which we will give (or show) Love to our Partner, and also the ways in which we receive (or feel) Love from our Partner. Now the ways in which we GIVE LOVE and RECEIVE LOVE can be the same. . . or they can be quite different. And to make things slightly more interesting, each of us has both Primary and Secondary Love Languages in both the GIVING and RECEIVING areas. I get the sense that Gary had really given this some thought through his own personal experiences.

How Our Love Languages are Developed

Now this is not a steadfast rule – but for me, I discovered that my Primary
Love Language – in terms of how I GAVE (expressed) LOVE to another, was really grounded in my experiences and conditioning as a young child. And because of how I was raised, my Love Language for GIVING LOVE to others (i.e. my partner) would be through “Acts of Service.” I feel the reason for this was because whenever I “did things” (chores, helping out, etc.), it was confirmed to me that I was being “good.” In effect, I truly only “Felt Love” when I earned that Love by doing something for (giving to) someone else. And as I look back at my adult life, I can now see why
I would OFTEN try to help others – even when they weren't asking for any help. It was my way of (subconsciously?) "seeking to be loved."  And as someone once told me. . . "How sad. . ."

Now honestly, I’m not too fond of the concept that for us to FEEL Love – that we have to earn it. After all, God loves us because of WHO He is and not as a result of how well we do things or perform. But still, I came to recognize what my Love Language was, in terms of GIVING, and ideally why and where it came from. . . my early childhood conditioning.

Now on the flip-side, my Love Language for how I could FEEL and RECEIVE LOVE was also the result of my “parental blueprint” as a child. For me, I FELT LOVE. . . through WORDS. But ironically, it wasn’t because I received “Words of Affirmation” as a child – rather, I feel it’s because I seldom recall hearing any LOVING WORDS from my parents. So in effect, what became my Love Language for FEELING LOVE from someone was WORDS – because THAT was the very thing that was missing – the very thing which was lacking in my Soul. As I look back, I CRAVED hearing Words of Affirmation – and so, that particular Love Language has resonated in my Heart, my whole life.
 
So it would seem that our own Love Languages can develop from what we HAD received and are familiar with from our early years. . . or from what we actually needed to receive (to FEEL Love), but yet never actually experienced – Hmmm. . . ?

Now truly, there are no “right or wrong” Love Languages – they’re ALL good and they’re all valid. Just as it’s important for each of us to know and recognize our own Love Language, it’s even MORE IMPORTANT for
us to KNOW OUR PARTNERS Love Language – Especially, if we truly care about them and want to communicate our Love for them in a way that they can FEEL and RECEIVE that Love, from us. What I had to discover was that for me to really CONNECT with my partner, I would need to learn how to address HER Love Language. For her to FEEL Love from me, I had to be able (and willing) to express (GIVE) Love to her in a Language she could identify with in her own heart.

This is IMPORTANT - Please Read!

Seldom do a husband and wife (partners/mates) have the same primary love language. We tend to speak our OWN Primary Love Language and become confused when our partner doesn’t understand what we’re communicating. Once you identify and learn to speak your PARTNER’S Primary Love Language, you’ll have discovered the key
to a happy, fulfilling, long-lasting and loving relationship.

Determining Your Own Love Language

The quickest way to determine your own Love Language is to take the free online Assessment Test. Either take the test, or since you may be speaking what you need, you can discover your own love language by asking yourself these questions:

–   How do I express love to others?

–   What do I complain about the most?

–   What do I request most often?

Speaking in your spouse's love language probably won't be natural for you. Dr. Chapman says, "We're not talking comfort. We're talking Love. Love is something we do for someone else. So often couples love one another, but they aren't connecting. They ARE sincere, but sincerity isn't enough."

Following this article (below) is a direct link for "The 5 Love Languages" Assessment Test (online) from Dr. Gary Chapman. This assessment test is ABSOLUTELY FREE and it actually includes the “results” (although
you will have to enter your email address to get the results). If you haven’t already done so in the past, I would personally recommend (ask you to consider) taking the test – just to find out where your Heart may be, in terms of how you GIVE and RECEIVE Love according to your Love Languages. I would also like to encourage you – if you ARE currently
in a Relationship – to consider taking the “TEST” with your Partner. And that doesn’t mean necessarily at the same time, but rather, sharing the results with one another after each of you has completed the assessment. There are also links on the same web-page (under “Resources”) should you be interested in purchasing the book.*

In my own experience, I’ve found that knowing our Love Languages, alone, can’t save a relationship. But, I also feel that understanding these principles can certainly help. And like anything else worthwhile, Healthy and Healing Relationships TAKE WORK – from BOTH PARTNERS.
I’d also like to propose that having this Love Language information can certainly help us in the area of better communication in our relationships. Ideally. . . “It Takes Two to Tango.” And I feel most certainly, the more that each of us knows about our Partner, the more likely it is that we'll be able to communicate "A Love that hits home – with THEM."

R Butch David

P.S. So if you feel like going there, just click on the link below for:
“The 5 Love Languages" Assessment

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

Here's a short music video to confirm that "True Love - Never Fails!"

 

* 1HeartMatters is in no way affiliated with Dr. Gary Chapman,
   nor are we compensated for sharing this heartfelt information
   or for your ordering any of his published works.