Understanding Poor Communication

10 Reasons You Can’t Say How You Feel

(Sharing an Article by John M. Grohol, Psy.D.)

Here at 1HeartMatters, our primary focus is to help others develop and maintain Healthy & Healing Relationships through our sharing of insightful articles from various sources and authors. Many of the articles we post have come to our attention through our own personal life experiences and trials that we’ve had the opportunity, and Blessing, to encounter. But sometimes, to be able to see trials as “Blessings” is just a deeper part
of the Journey. And in reality, each of us needs to be willing to "go there and look at our own stuff."

Still, when we encounter difficulties in relationships, it's often easy to see those situations as “problems or obstacles.” But in my own Journey, I’ve come to have a different viewpoint. By Grace, I’ve been learning how to view those things as “opportunities” – to learn about myself, about my partner and, ideally, as an opportunity to learn how to Love others Unconditionally, and how to Forgive from the Heart.

Now honestly in my own relationships, I guess I could say things like,
“I SHOULD have done (or said) this,” or perhaps even, “I SHOULD NOT have done (or said) that.” But the reality is. . . I did or maybe didn’t do the “right thing” and now look at the consequences. And, that’s just part of accepting the reality of life. But also from an emotional and Healing perspective, it’s just not healthy for us to do that (“shoulding”)
to others or to ourselves. Just ask anyone who’s ever participated in an
AA Program.  

Ideally, with the help of a few friends, I’ve also been learning how to turn the “Shoulds and Should Not’s” into. . . WISHES. When we’re able to say “I wish. . .” then there’s always Hope. And if we’re able to learn from our past mistakes, then perhaps those mistakes were exactly what we needed to go through – to get to a better place.  And that doesn’t make those past mistakes “right.” Just, perhaps, necessary in securing our “desire to get well.”

My Hope is that by sharing much of the information that we do, that we can actually help to improve some of our personal relationships – before it’s too late. Paying attention to our own hearts, as well as the hearts of our partners, can help secure Healthy & Healing Relationships for all of us. And ideally, “I’ve wished” I had known some of these things earlier in my life. But that’s okay – because there’s always Hope for the future. And, in God I Trust. . .

R Butch David

10 Reasons You Can’t Say How You Feel
(By John M. Grohol, Psy.D.)

Not everyone finds expressing their feelings easy or having it come naturally. While the stereotype is that men have the hardest time expressing their emotions, everyone at one time or another in their life may find it difficult to say how they feel.

Learning why you have trouble expressing your feelings can go a long way into changing that behavior. Saying how you feel is something you can learn how to do, just as readily as you can learn how to fix a faucet or mend a button on a shirt. Here are ten common reasons why people find it difficult to express their emotions to someone else:

1. Conflict Phobia

You are afraid of angry feelings or conflicts with people. You may
believe that people with good relationships should not engage in verbal “fights” or intense arguments. In addition, you may believe that disclosing your thoughts and feelings to those you care about would result in
their rejection of you. This is sometimes referred to as the “ostrich phenomenon” – burying your head in the sand instead of
addressing relationship problems.

2. Emotional Perfectionism

You believe that you should not have feelings such as anger, jealousy, depression, or anxiety. You think you should always be rational and in control of your emotions. You are afraid of being exposed as weak and vulnerable. You believe that people will belittle or reject you if they know how you really feel.

3. Fear of Disapproval and Rejection

You are so terrified by rejection and ending up alone that you would rather swallow your feelings and put up with some abuse than take the chance of making anyone mad at you. You feel an excessive need to please people and to meet what you perceive to be their expectations. You are afraid that people would not like you if you expressed your thoughts
and feelings.

4. Passive-Aggressive Behavior

You pout and hold your hurt or angry feelings inside instead of
disclosing what you feel. You give others the silent treatment,
which is inappropriate, and a common strategy to elicit feelings
of guilt (on their part).

5. Hopelessness

You are convinced that your relationship cannot improve no matter what you do. You may feel that you have already tried everything and nothing works. You may believe that your spouse (or partner) is just too stubborn and insensitive to be able to change. These positions represent a self-fulfilling prophecy – once you give up, an established position of hopelessness supports your predicted outcome.

6. Low Self-Esteem

You believe that you are not entitled to express your feelings or to ask others for what you want. You think you should always please other people and meet their expectations.

7. Spontaneity

You believe that you have the right to say what you think and feel when you are upset. (Generally, feelings are best expressed during a
calm and structured or semi-structured exchange.) Structuring your communication does not result in a perception that you are “faking” or attempting to inappropriately manipulate others.

8. Mind Reading

You believe that others should know how you feel and what you need (although you have not disclosed what you need). The position that individuals close to you can “divine” what you need provides an excuse
to engage in non-disclosure, and thereafter, to feel resentful because people do not appear to care about your needs.

9. Martyrdom

You are afraid to admit that you are angry, hurt, or resentful because you do not want to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing that her or his behavior is unacceptable. Taking pride in controlling your emotions and experiencing hurt or resentment does not support clear and functional communication.

10. Need to Solve Problems

When you have a conflict with an individual (i.e., your needs are not being met), avoiding the associated issues is not a functional solution. Disclosing your feelings and being willing to listen to the other person, without judgment, is constructive.

www. psychcentral.com/lib/2009/10-reasons-you-cant-say-how-you-feel/

Emotional Abandonment in Relationships

How to Avoid the “Shut-Out”

(By Dr. Dave Currie and Glen Hoos)

It’s a complaint I hear quite regularly from people looking for help for their marriages – “I feel distant from my spouse.” “I try to get my husband to open up, but instead he just shuts down.” “My wife just doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. I feel like we’re a million miles apart.” “I don’t know if I love him (her) anymore.”

What we’re talking about here is emotional abandonment. Instead
of physically leaving the relationship, your spouse simply checks out emotionally. They stop investing in the marriage, leaving their mate feeling detached and unwanted. To the outside world the situation can still look rosy, but in reality the relationship is dying a slow, quiet death.

How does a marriage reach this point? Sometimes it’s a slow slide into complacency, and other times it’s a little more sudden. Realize that
if it’s a sudden abandonment, there likely is some precipitating event or incident between the two of you that needs to be resolved. On the other hand, if the deterioration has been more gradual, there are probably a lot
of little things that have gone unresolved and are taking their toll on the relationship.

Here are some of the specific, primary causes of emotional distance between mates:

1.       Unforgiveness. Emotional abandonment is unforgiveness taken to
its extreme conclusion. When we feel that our spouse has hurt
us and we refuse to forgive them, we look for ways to protect ourselves from being hurt again in the future. Closing off our heart from the other person is an easy way to do this, but it has deadly consequences. Unforgiveness always leads to isolation. Overcoming unforgiveness requires a willingness to humble ourselves and seek forgiveness when we have hurt our spouse. It also requires that we be willing to graciously extend forgiveness when our spouse has hurt us. This forgiveness step is based on a desire to re-unite.

2.       Callous Treatment. When I am careless in how I treat my spouse,
it gets old really quickly. Whether it’s being discourteous, or unkindness, or something worse, it creates a hurt that may start out small, but can grow into deep wounds as it festers over time. To avoid this, each partner needs to look at their own behavior regularly and consider whether they are treating their spouse well.
A mate, above all people, needs to be treated with gentleness and respect. Remember, your spouse is a gift to you, and they deserve to be treated as something precious.

3.       Lack of Effort. Sometimes the problem is a little less obvious than unforgiveness or harsh treatment. It is easy, especially for men, to
just assume that the relationship is going along just fine, and so we don’t put in as much effort as we once did. We start to take our spouse for granted, leading them to think that they are not important in our lives. When the marriage slips from being one of the top priorities in the heart of one or both spouses, the other person feels abandoned. This causes them to feel unwanted and then to withdraw into their own world.

4.       Lack of Time. Many of us simply try to pack too much into a day. Ruled by the urgent, we fail to make time for the truly important: things like romancing, talking about issues and really developing
a friendship with our spouse. We stay constantly busy, erasing “quality couple times” from our schedules. A marriage relationship cannot thrive if our contact with one another is limited to a quick bite of supper or a brief chat before bed. A good marriage requires weekly face-to-face time – both talk and fun.

5.       Fear of Talking through Issues. Emotional detachment does not just happen out of the blue; there is always something behind it. If one or both of the spouses has an inability or fear of talking through the issues in their relationship, then this kind of disconnect will be the likely result. Usually both know there is something wrong, but they are hesitant to bring it up because they fear their spouse’s reaction. Or perhaps they feel like they’ve been through this before and it hasn’t helped, so why bother? In these cases, there needs to be a clear second look at what it means to resolve conflict in a marriage – how to have a “good fight,” as it were, that really bring things to resolution. Without these skills, and a real courage to step up and deal with problems, the emotional distance will just continue to grow.

6.       Living in Denial. A lot of times, when things have started to go
a bit sideways in the relationship, we don’t want to admit that it’s happening. Often the person truly needing to make some significant changes is most content to deny the existence
of any real issues. We kind of live in denial, as if it’s not really happening, or it’s not that bad, or things will get better in time. But living in denial doesn’t fix things; it only causes the marriage
to deteriorate to the point where the couple just does not feel close anymore.

Working Through Emotional Distance

The first step to dealing with emotional abandonment is to identify the root cause and to begin to deal with it. Don’t settle for living in isolation. Ask God for more in your marriage and then trust Him as you faithfully try to make changes. Here are some suggestions for re-establishing a loving connection with your spouse:

1.       Agree to Talk – At some point you have to agree to talk about the problems that exist between you. If you’re going to resolve issues, there needs to be a mutual commitment to listen to the other person’s concerns and to work towards improving the situation. Don’t corner your spouse with an unexpected lecture, but set a time and agree to start to work through your issues.

2.       Be Prepared – Before you have the talk, take the time separately
to think through the unresolved issues that you’ll be discussing.
What are your concerns in the relationship? In what areas do you feel you need to improve? What are your expectations of your spouse?
To put your thoughts down on paper may be best, but either way, be prepared to be open and honest with each other about the real issues between you. Be sure to take the time to really listen to what your spouse is saying. Give each other uninterrupted time to share your view on things.

3.       Be Direct but Gentle – Neither of you has anything to gain by holding back your true feelings. Remember that unresolved issues lie at the heart of emotional detachment. So lay all your cards out on the table by sharing your hurts clearly. Don’t allow things to get out of hand. Be committed to talk through things sensibly. Take breaks to cool it if necessary, but agree to continue. Ask each other the tough questions, and talk through the difficult issues that have been eating away at your relationship. Regardless of which partner initiated the wrong, you both need [to be willing - rbd] to work at resolving the problem.

4.       Begin to Meet Unmet Needs – Often a person pulls back from the relationship because, in their mind, their needs are not being met.
A healthy marriage demands that both partners actively work
to discern the needs of their spouse, and work to meet those needs. Seek to understand your spouse’s needs and ask yourself how you can start to better express love by meeting these needs. Make your spouse and sorting things out your new priority.

5.       DEAL WITH YOUR OWN STUFF – If I am feeling abandoned by my spouse, I need to ask myself a tough question: What have I done to drive my spouse away? Now it may not be only your responsibility. Nevertheless, you have to find out what you are responsible
for and take ownership for your actions. Really listen to your spouse. Of course, there are things that your mate needs to deal with, and they may be withdrawing from you for selfish reasons, but that can’t stop you from taking the steps that you know you need to take. Both parties must be prepared to make apologies and extend forgiveness as part of your recovery from the emotional detachment.

6.       Intentionally Re-Engage – If you are to re-establish your emotional connection, it won’t happen by accident and it won’t happen overnight. You need to agree to make your relationship a priority and spend some quality time together. Plan a few dates and put each other in your schedules. It’s time to re-enter one another’s lives again.

7.       Act Kindly – This may not be a revolutionary new idea, but it can have that kind of an effect on your marriage. You must act kindly toward your spouse. Small gestures of warmth, acts of kindness, and efforts to rekindle the romance between you will go a long way toward renewing your bond with one another. Do this from the heart with real commitment to make the necessary changes.

8.       Love Unconditionally – Somebody has to break out of the negative cycle of eye-for an eye, poor treatment for poor treatment. You need
to step out of the insult-for-insult cycle and respond differently. You cannot control your spouse’s behavior, but you can control your own. Regardless of how your spouse responds, you must choose to treat them with love. This is not easy to do when your partner is not reciprocating, but it is what you vowed to do when you promised to love each other “for better or for worse.” And nothing breaks down emotional barriers like unconditional love.

9.       Allow God to Work – I’m going to challenge you to ask God to change you. God wants your best and He’ll always be ready to take full responsibility for any life that is totally surrendered to Him. That also includes re-engaging with your spouse and getting attached in love again. God wants that and He will guide you in that, if you’ll allow Him to.

We all [each of us, individually - rbd] have issues we need to
work through in our relationships. Whether your problems stem from bitterness, unforgiveness, dishonesty, lack of kindness, unfaithfulness, or something else, God offers you His power to enable you to live in a way that honors Him. There’s no doubt in my mind that God wants your marriage to work and that you desire to have warmth and a close connection with your spouse. That’s His design. Let’s go after it.

www.powertochange.com/experience/sex-love/disengagedspouse/

P.S. Ideally, as we come to develop and exercise these principles in our relationships, it might be a good idea to consider "giving each other a break." Compassion, Understanding, Love and Forgiveness can go a long way, and after all, like the song says. . .
I hope you enjoy the short Music Video - R Butch David