Relationship Questions We Often Have

Healthy Communication – Imago Dialogue (Part-2)

A Summary of the Need for Imago Dialogue:

–    Falling in love is amazing – we feel complete and whole.

–    After a while we often feel frustrated with our partner and have
painful disagreements.

–    The pain is particularly acute because the frustrations with our partner usually remind us of some painful childhood experiences.

–    It often doesn’t make sense to us why our partner gets upset so much over the things we argue about. We may even imagine they are just doing it to hurt us.

–    The Imago dialogue is a process which makes it easier to understand our partner, without feeling threatened or under attack ourselves. And for them to understand us in the same way.

–    When we do understand that our partner’s experience is so different from ours, they make sense! Then we find it easier to meet their needs. And they find it easier to meet ours!

­–    With our new understanding, we can learn to stretch a little more to provide what our partner needs.

–    Imago provides a whole set of relationship fitness exercises to guide us through the process.

Why is my Partner so Annoying at Times?

We fall in love with someone, and imagine that now at last life will be full of peace, joy, companionship and hope. But after a while we often become aware that our partner seems to stand in the way of us achieving our own dreams of peace and fulfillment.

We become angry with our partner, because we feel they aren’t able to provide what we expected of them, when we fell in love. And now we are committed to them – we can’t get those things from someone else either! They stand between us, and the life we dreamed of. And, that can make us very angry and frustrated.

Why Doesn’t my Partner Love me a Little Better?

In our dreams, maybe we imagine the perfect partner to be the one who we fall in love with, and it carries on that way for ever. They understand
us so well, they are there for us when we need them, saying the right words, providing the right support that we need. Perhaps in our dreams
we don’t have those big arguments, or disappointments. It really is “happily ever after!”

Why couldn’t we find that perfect partner? Maybe we secretly wish that our partner was a little bit quieter, or noisier. We wish they were more generous, or better with money! We wish they liked sex more, or left us alone occasionally.

There’s a reason why we fall in love with the partner who doesn’t seem quite able to match our dreams. We see in them an ability to love us,
in a way that we learned from people who loved us in our earliest years.
We recognize that kind of ability to love in the partner we choose.

But however strongly we were loved, there was always a little bit of love
we didn’t get. And it turns out that this partner we choose isn’t very good at providing that bit of love either, just like those who loved us when we were children.

That bit of love we didn’t get as children often goes back to some painful memories from childhood. When our partner can’t love us that way either, it touches some tender spots [unhealed hurts - rbd] inside, and can bring out some of our deepest fears that we may have tried for years to hide away.

How can I Make Things in my Relationship Better?

We seem to always choose a partner who isn’t very good at meeting some of our needs in life, even though there was something about them that caused us to fall head-over-heals in love with them.

Wouldn’t it help if our partner really understood what is going on in our world. Maybe then they would stretch a little bit more towards us, and provide those needs. Maybe they would spend a little more time with us, or leave us alone a little more – or whatever it is that is important to our happiness.

Some of the most important issues may seem small, but are actually loaded with emotions. They emerge time and time again at the very heart of all the big arguments we have. How can we talk about them in a way that doesn’t trigger yet another big argument? The first step towards a better relationship is to have a calm and effective way to talk about these big issues.

The Imago Dialogue is a way to have a deep and rewarding conversation, that helps you and your partner really understand
the issues that seem to recur in the heat of conflict.

How can we Talk about Difficult Things? It Often Leads to an Argument.

Do you ever find yourself getting a little tense before a “serious talk?”
Is your partner once again going to tell you what you do wrong, and what you need to do right! What do they expect you to do? Maybe you will get angry and deny it all, and who can blame you! Or maybe you will sit through it feeling wretched and miserable, wondering how you can have been so unkind and uncaring. It’s very hard to hear what your partner needs without some kind of reaction!

The Imago Dialogue is a way to have those difficult conversations while feeling strong and loving for your partner’s sake. You can trust a process that is safe, respectful, caring, and very interesting!

Imagine that you can take a holiday from being you for a moment. You
can walk across a bridge to sit for a while in the land of your partner, as a welcome and valued guest. There, without judgment, you can learn about what it is to be them, what they need, and how you can help them, just by listening, and sharing their experience. And then they can do the same for you. It’s fascinating, to be able to learn so much about the person you love most in the world!

One thing many of us learn when we do this, is how different our partner really is from us! The things they did never made sense before we really listened. They may have just seemed a little selfish, or irresponsible, or uncaring. But now when we really listen to them speak, we realize that to them, it all makes perfect sense in a way that is amazing! Our partner isn’t like us at all – how interesting. The Dialogue can become
a huge voyage of discovery.

Things don’t ever Really Change in a Relationship,
do they?

After a while we get to know our partners very well. It can get to seem
like nothing is ever really going to change. We enjoy the good moments, and put up with the bad. Maybe if there are too many bad ones, we are wondering if it will be time to leave soon, unless something changes
pretty fast.

There are things you can do to create change. Most of them need to be done by you and your partner together. They are simple, but can be very powerful. To learn more, follow the link below.

1.       You can learn more about your partners through Imago Dialogue
and learn to see why everything they do makes sense from their
point of view.

2.       You and your partner can use Imago Dialogue to share some of the things that you have always feared. These often are the things that lie behind those big arguments. Just understanding them can create a huge transformation.

3.       You can decide to simply leave behind things which are destructive
for a relationship, like all shame, blame and criticism of each other.

4.       You can introduce some new habits, like each day finding a moment to share an appreciation with each other.

5.       You can learn to stretch a little, now you understand more what your partner wants. This may be just the thing to help you feel better about yourself too!

http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/articles/imago_dialogue.html

3-Things Needed for Relationships to Work

Healthy Communication – Imago Dialogue (Part-3)

Why Dialogue?

Dialogue can help you to keep relationships fresh and dynamic, and to
get beneath conflict to rediscover a deeper connection. If I try to resolve conflict in my relationship without creating a true connection with my partner, I may just be patching things up until the next big fight comes along, or even reinforcing the problem. Imago shows that most conflicts that have a painful “charge” are only 10% about the present situation and 90% about some past wound that is causing pain now. Imagine if you could truly heal old wounds. Your partner is the
ideal person to help you do just that!

Dialogue vs. Discussion

Often when I am listening to my partner, I might also be planning how to respond. I may be fervently figuring out how to show them that they are wrong, or how to defend myself from things they say that I don’t want to hear. My reply would contain carefully chosen words which show just how much I am “in the right”, and are designed so I don’t have to hear
any more.

What I have described is not really a discussion between me and my partner. It’s what the philosopher Martin Buber called an “I - It” relationship. I'm not dealing with their reality – I’m working hard to give them a fake shiny version of me.

When we try to solve conflict in an “I - It” discussion, we may get a solution which works for a while. But it is unlikely to be the best solution for us both long-term, and leaves the true underlying reasons for conflict unresolved.

Dialogue helps people cut through their natural defenses to create a more genuine connection, which Buber called “I - You.” When we are both honestly and openly involved in exploring issues, we can discover the real source of pain. Listening and talking about this in a loving, safe space can open up within ourselves amazing potential for an improved relationship.

When my partner and I fell in love, we had a sense of destiny drawing us together. It felt like there was a path together which was greater than the course of our separate lives. Dialogue enables us to unfold that path, and experience the love we dreamed of. 

“Your Partner is Another Person – Get it!”

There are many ways in which dialogue can enrich our lives:

•     We can make better decisions, because we can share together
      a full understanding of what we both need. 

•     It’s a lot more fun and passionate. I get to continue discovering
      the amazing other person who loves me.

•     It can be a wonderful path of discovery, not just of my partner,
      but about me. Often I find that our partner’s thinks better of me,
      than I do of myself.

Imago Dialogue Starts with Safety

If I am going to meet others in an authentic way, and lower my protective shell, I need to feel safe. The structure of the Imago Dialogue provides safety. The first rule is to banish all shame, blame and criticism. That might sound tough if I am really angry at my partner for all the things they did or didn’t do. How can I tell them how much they are hurting me,
if I can’t criticize?

But, I also need to make it safe for my partner to listen to me. And that means to always talk about my own feelings, not about their actions. What does this mean to me? Why am I frustrated? What do
I feel? The key is to make it easy for my partner to remain open,
and to be available to hear.

Stop Talking, Start Connecting

Listening to my partner may be the most difficult part of the Imago Dialogue, especially if we are going to talk about a hard subject. Am I going to hear something painful? Will I want to jump out of my chair and run out? Will I want to shout and deny it?

Listening well can sometimes be a very courageous act. To be available to listen and truly hear what concerns your partner means putting aside all my spontaneous reactions to it. As the words come out, my first reaction might be to think “No – they've got it wrong – it’s not like that!” The key to creating an “I - You” relationship is to put that aside, and instead listen without judgment. I need to open myself up to hearing my partner’s reality and, by hearing that, to truly connect with them. If I deny it, then I break the connection, and start an argument.
Try it and practice.

Create Space for the Relationship

Before you start to dialogue, it’s good to create some space where your relationship can grow. You can do this in the room, by sitting on facing chairs, knees close together, with eye contact. But it’s also a good idea
to spend a few moments quietly too, and become aware of the two of
you. Let your breathing be quiet, and remind yourself to be calm, with
no shame, blame or criticism as you speak, no judgment as you listen. Something beautiful is being created between you. Martin Buber called it the “sacred space” when two people met as “I - You”.
Now you can start!

The Steps of Imago Dialogue

Imago Dialogue is a unique three step process for connection, developed by Harville Hendrix PhD and Helen LaKelly Hunt PhD. Although it looks simple, the process was formulated through extensive study of psycho-logical theories of relationship, and clinical work with couples.

The three steps are Mirroring, Validation and Empathy, and they are described in detail below. The essence of dialogue is any conversation in which people agree to listen to others without judgment, and accept their views as equally valid as their own. We have found the Imago Dialogue to be a particularly effective way to start off on your journey
to connection.

You can find directions on how to use the Imago dialogue here. What follows is a description of how to use each step. The Imago Dialogue is initiated when a partner asks for an appointment and the other partner agrees to participate.

3-Things Needed for Relationships to Work

1 – Mirroring

Using “I” language, one person sends a “message” to convey his/her thoughts, feelings, or experiences to the Receiver (“I feel. . .” “I love. . .” “I need. . .”). They should avoid shaming, blaming or criticizing their partner, and instead talk about themselves.

In response, the Receiver echoes the Sender’s message word-for-word or by paraphrasing, using a lead sentence like, “Let me see if I’ve got you. You said. . .”

Mirroring helps me to listen to what the other person is actually saying rather than listening to the reactions and responses going
on in my head while my partner is talking.

Then there’s a beautiful question the receiver can ask. “Is There More?” When I ask that question I leave a little time, to show I really mean it, and want to hear more. Often my partner might pause, “Well no. . .
er. . . let me see. . . maybe there is.” Often as they are given space and time, they will go deeper and share more with me, and that sharing can be the most fascinating part.

Keep on with it. You might be more encouraging – “Wow. Interesting.
Is there more about that?” The more I reassure my partner that I am open to what they are saying, the more I can voyage on a wonderful journey into their world, and experience connection, even if do find the subject area challenging or unfamiliar.

When my partner says “No, that’s all,” then I can try a summary.
“So, in summary I heard you say that. . .“  Then check that you got
it ALL. My partner might often say “Well you missed this little bit –
and it’s quite important to me that you hear it.”

2 – Validation

When I mirror my partner well, they will probably already be feeling that I have heard their point of view, and seen that for
them it is valid. But it’s nice to say that too.

This part of the process can be quite hard too, if my partner has a very different perspective on things from me. But to be connected, it’s important for me to recognize that what my partner says makes sense for them. Sometimes their view might be so different from mine that I am tempted to think that they must be wrong. But in dialogue, creating the connection is paramount. Who is right and who is wrong doesn’t matter. Harville Hendrix likes to say: “You can be right, or you can be married!” With this process, you might even discover that you can find a solution together where it doesn’t matter whether either of you are right or wrong over this issue, because the underlying pain is what really needs to be addressed. Precisely because you are in relationship with another person, it is healthy to be able to accept that
you hold different viewpoints.

After I have summarized my partner, I can validate them by simply saying “That makes sense to me.” I don’t have to agree with them, but show that I respect their reality. If I can, I might go on “That makes sense to me because. . .” Sometimes as I watch my partner when I see this, I can see a physical sign of relief. It’s a lovely thing to have your views
[and feelings - rbd] validated by another.

3 – Empathy

The third and final step of the Imago Dialogue is empathy. In the empathy step, I imagine what my partner might be feeling. Feelings are simple words like “Angry, Sad, Lonely, Afraid, Happy, Joyful, etc.”

I would just ask my partner “I imagine you might be feeling afraid, and perhaps a little sad too. Is that what you are feeling?” Then I check in with my partner, and if they share other feelings, then mirror them to show I heard. “Ah, a little excited too.”

Did you try that with your partner? How do you feel? Did it help you understand them a little more, and bring you closer? I hope so. It has made a huge difference in my life.

Directions for a Simple Imago Dialogue

You can begin to use the Imago Dialogue to share with your partner something that concerns you, and that you would like to share with them. A great way to start using the dialogue is to share something that you appreciate about your partner. Try it, and see how you feel when your partner mirrors back your appreciation of them.

Here are some specific phrases you can use as you
practice dialogue:

SENDER
I would like to dialogue (talk) about. . .     Is now okay?     I feel. . .    
I love. . .     I need. . .     What’s bothering me is. . .
 
RECEIVER
1 – Mirroring
Let me see if I’ve got you.     I heard you say. . .     Or, You said. . .
Am I getting you?     Or, Did I get that?     Is there more about that?
 

(Summary Mirror)
Let me see if I got it all. . .?     Am I getting you?     Did I get all of that?     Or, Is that a good summary?
 
2 – Validation
You make sense to me, and what makes sense is. . .     I can understand that. . .     Given that. . . I can see how you would see it that way because sometimes I do . . .

3 – Empathy
I imagine you might be feeling. . . Is that what you’re feeling?

NOW. . . SWITCH ROLES!

http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/articles/imago_dialogue.html