Relationships – From Conflict to Hope

An Introduction to Healthy Communication
through Imago Dialogue (Part-1)

 
(An Article by Harville Hendrix)

At some point in their relationship, couples often find themselves struggling with anger and shock, despair and sadness. Some are newlyweds, and can’t understand how they have plummeted from the heights of love and glory into a swamp of hopelessness and conflict. Others have been married for many years, and though they have been slogging along – in calm or storm – their days of wine and roses are a
dim memory. Even if life at home is relatively peaceful, couples lament
that they have “nothing in common anymore.” And so they lead a disappointed or angry co-existence, each with their own friends and interests, in a marriage of convenience, or an arrangement they endure
“for the sake of the children.”

Shattered dreams, whatever form they take, are painful. But there is hope. In fact, the pain and conflict of committed relationships arise not out of lack of love for our partners, but from a misunderstanding of what love relationships are about. Your conflict can be the very fuel for the fulfillment you seek.

Why do We Fall in Love?

What is really happening when we fall in – and out of – love? What's really going on when couples fight?

To gain insight into the hidden agenda of a relationship, we need to look
at the complex process of human growth and development, and at how
we human beings fit into the larger scheme of things.

I believe that we are creatures of nature, and that we all begin life in a state of relaxed and joyful bliss. If our caretakers are attuned to our wants and needs, ready and able to provide warmth safety and sustenance, our feelings of aliveness and well-being are sustained. We remain whole.

But even in the best of circumstances, our parents are not able to maintain perfect standards, to be available every minute, to always understand exactly what is needed or to meet every demand. Tired,
angry, depressed, busy, ill, distracted, afraid – our parents fail to sustain our feelings of security and comfort.

Every unmet need causes fear and pain and, in our infantile ignorance,
we have no idea how to stop it and restore our feeling of safety. As a response, we adopt primitive coping mechanisms ranging from constant crying to get attention to withdrawing inward and denying that we even have needs. Meanwhile, throughout our childhood, we are also
being socialized, molded by our caretakers and communities to fit into society. Observant and malleable, we learn what to do to gain love and acceptance. We repress or disown parts of ourselves that society finds unacceptable or unlovable. Our sense of "all-rightness" diminishes, and we end up as shadows of our whole, true selves.

Most of us had “good enough” caretakers; we do all right. Some of us didn’t fare so well, and our lives are handicapped by deep hurts. All of us were wounded in childhood to some extent. We are now coping as well as we can with the world and our relationships, but parts of our true nature were suppressed in the unconscious. We look grown up – we have jobs and responsibilities – but we are walking wounded, trying to live life fully while unconsciously hoping to somehow restore the sense of joyful aliveness we began with.

When we fall in love, we believe we've found that sense of joyful aliveness! Suddenly, we see life in technicolor. We nibble each others' ears and tell each other everything; our limitations and rigidities melt away. We're sexier, smarter, funnier, more giving. We feel whole, we feel like ourselves. Finally we feel safe, and breathe a sigh of relieved deliverance. It looks like everything is going to turn out all right, after all.

Why does Falling in Love go Wrong?

But inevitably – often when we marry or move in together – things just
start to go wrong. In some cases, all hell breaks loose. The veil of illusion falls away, and it seems that our partners are different than we thought they were. It turns out they have qualities that we can't bear. Even qualities we once admired grate on us. Old hurts are reactivated as we realize that our partners cannot or will not love and care for us as they promised. Our dream shatters.

Disillusionment turns to anger, fueled by fear that we won't survive without the love and safety that was within our grasp. Since our partner is no longer willing to give us what we need, we change tactics, trying to maneuver our partners into caring – through anger, crying, withdrawal, shame, intimidation, criticism – whatever works. We will make them love us. Or we may negotiate for time, love, chores, or gifts.

The power struggle has begun, and may go on for many years, until
we split. Or we settle into an uneasy truce. What is going on here? Apparently you have found an Imago Partner. Someone, I'm afraid, who is uniquely unqualified (at the moment), to give you the love you want. Furthermore, this is what's supposed to happen!

Let me explain. . . We all think that we have freedom of choice when it comes to selecting our partners. But regardless of what it is we think we're looking for in a mate, our unconscious has its own agenda.

Our primitive "old" brain has a compelling, non-negotiable drive to restore the feeling of aliveness and wholeness that we came into the world with. To accomplish that, it must repair the damage done in childhood as a result of unmet needs, and the way it does that is to find a partner who can give us what our caretakers failed to provide.

You'd think, then, that we would choose someone who has what our caretakers lacked. If only that were so! But the old brain has a mind of its own, with its own checklist of desired qualities. It is carrying around its own image of the perfect partner, a complex synthesis of qualities formed in reaction to the way our caretakers responded to our needs. Every pleasure or pain, every transaction of childhood, has left its mark on us, and these collective impressions form an unconscious picture we're always trying to replicate as we scan our environment for a suitable
mate. This image of "the person who can make me whole again,"
I call that the Imago.

Though we consciously seek only the positive traits, the negative traits of our caretakers are more indelibly imprinted in our Imago picture, because those are the traits which caused the painful experiences we now seek to heal. Our unconscious need is to have our feelings of aliveness and wholeness restored by someone who reminds us of our caretakers. In other words, we look for someone with the same deficits of care and attention that hurt us in the first place.

So when we fall in love, when bells ring and the world seems altogether
a better place, our old brain is telling us that we've found someone with whom we can finally get our needs met. Unfortunately, since we don't understand what's going on, we're shocked when the awful truth of our beloved surfaces and our first impulse is to run screaming in the opposite direction.

But that's not all the bad news. Another powerful component of
our Imago is that we seek the qualities missing in ourselves that got lost in the shuffle of socialization. If we are shy, we seek someone outgoing; if we’re disorganized, we’re attracted to someone cool and rational. But eventually, when our own feelings – our repressed exuberance or anger are stirred, we are uncomfortable, and criticize our partners for being too outgoing, too coldly rational, too temperamental.

Why is Conflict Good?

Being aware of ourselves is the key; it changes everything. When we understand that we have chosen our partners to heal certain painful experiences, and that the healing of those experiences is the key to
the end of longing, we have taken the first step on the journey to
Real Love.

What we need to understand and accept is that conflict is
supposed to happen. This is as nature intended it: Everything in
nature is in conflict. Conflict is a sign that the psyche is trying to
survive, to get its needs met and become whole. It's only without this knowledge that conflict is destructive. Divorce does not solve the problems of relationship. We may get rid of our partners, but
we keep our problems, carting them into the next relationship.
Divorce is incompatible with the intentions of nature.

Romantic love is supposed to end. It is the glue that initially bonds two incompatible people together so that they will do what needs to be done
to heal themselves. The good news is that although many couples become hopelessly locked in the power struggle, it too is supposed to end. Regardless of what we may believe, relationships are not born of love, but of need; Real Love is born in relationships, as a result of understanding what they are about and doing what is necessary to have them.

You may already be with your dream partner, but at the moment, he or she is in disguise – and, like you, is in pain. A Conscious Relationship itself is the practice you need to restore your sense of aliveness. The goal of Imago Practice is to change the power struggle and set you on the path of Real Love.

How to Make Conflict bring us Closer

Many couples' problems are rooted in misunderstood, manipulated, or avoided communications. To correct this, we have created the Imago Dialogue, the core skill of Imago Practice.

Using this effective communications technique, you can restructure the way you talk to each other, so that what you say to each other is mirrored back to you, is validated, and empathized with. You can use the Imago Dialogue to tell each other all about your childhoods, to state your frustrations clearly, and to articulate exactly what you need from each other in order to heal. Clear communication is a window into the world of your partner; truly being heard is a powerful aphrodisiac.

Over time, we move from a staring at exteriors to a sharing of interiors, as we learn to participate in the emotional realm of the other, while holding onto our own, separate experience. Initially, Dialogue may feel artificial. With practice, it will become seamless and connecting. In the Dialogue, both partners cross a bridge into each other’s worlds, motivated not only by the Receiver’s desire to be “hear and understand” but also to meet the Sender’s need to be “heard and understood.” The Dialogue fosters intentionality, a commitment to slow down our lives and devote specific uninterrupted time to our relationships. The Dialogue ultimately says to the other, “I respect your otherness; I want to
learn from it. And I want to share mine with you.”

One of the greatest learnings of Dialogue is the discovery of two distinct worlds. Whenever two people are involved, there are always two realities. These realities will always be different in small and large ways, no matter what. And the reality of the other person can be understood, accepted, valued, and even loved but not made to be identical to our own.

Finding True Love

The Dialogue must also be turned into action: we give our partners what they need, and not just what is easy to give. Now we come to the heart of the matter: in a Conscious relationship we agree to change
in order to give our partner what he/she needs. This is a radical idea. Conventional wisdom says that people don’t change, that we should simply learn to accept each other as we are. But without change [real Transformation - rbd], there is no growth; we are confined to the fate, to remaining stuck in our unhappiness.

Change is the catalyst for healing. In changing to give our partners what they need, we heal our own painful experiences. Our own behavior was born in response to our particular deprivations; it is our adaptation to loss. In giving our partners what is hardest for us to give, we have to bring our hidden selves out into the light, owning and enlivening parts of ourselves. When we change our behavior in response to our mate, we heal our partner and ourselves.

I call the process by which we alter our entrenched behaviors to give
our partners what they need “stretching,” for it requires that we conquer our fears and do what comes unnaturally. Our resistance reflects our defenses. Often we may feel that we're losing ourselves but we are
not ourselves now; it is in the crucible of change that we regain ourselves.

Over the course of time, as our partners demonstrate their love for us, as they learn about and accept our hidden selves, and as we stretch to love our partners, our pain and self-absorption diminishes. We restore our empathic feelings for our partners, and our feelings of connection to the other that were lost in the pain of our childhood. Finally we learn to
see our partners for themselves, with their own private world of personal meaning, their own ideas and dreams, and not merely as extensions of ourselves, or as we wish they were. We no longer say, "You liked that awful movie?" but rather, "Tell me why you liked that movie.
I want to know how you think."

Finally, we can relax; everything is all right.

A conscious relationship is a spiritual path which leads us home again,
to joy and aliveness, to the feeling of oneness we started out with. All through the course of Imago Practice, we learn to express love as a behavior daily, in large and small ways: in other words, in stretching to give our partner what they need, we learn to love. The transformation of our relationships may not be accomplished easily or quickly; we are setting off on a lifelong journey.

http://www.harvillehendrix.com/

 

Understanding Relationship Breakdowns

Taking a Look at Commitments and Communication

Some of us know how it is – one day, a spouse or partner just decides that they simply “don’t want to (or can’t) do this, anymore.” It’s something that seemingly happens “out of the blue,” so to speak. But chances are, as I’ve experienced, the breakdown of the relationship DIDN’T just happen overnight. More likely, it was something that had been building up, or rather breaking down, for quite some time.

Perhaps one or both partners simply weren’t PAYING ATTENTION to what was occurring, relationally. But then again, either partner might have been aware of exactly what was happening (along with the resulting emotional distance) and yet, simply didn’t know WHAT to do to or HOW to “fix it.” All too often, we wind up just pretending (denial) that something that was said or done (or wasn’t said or done) simply wasn’t all that important, and that we need to “let it go” or perhaps “get over it.” Then again, maybe we just made up our minds to “Be Nice” to each other. Now unfortunately, most of those perspectives usually go along with the “don’t sweat the small stuff” ideal. But when the “small stuff” involves feelings and relational matters, well I’ve learned (the hard way) that it’s probably best to deal with these issues, as they occur. In my own life, I’ve learned that the “small stuff” often DOES matter, and I’ve wished that I had known better.

Quite often, it’s in our inability (and/or unwillingness) to deal with things in a “healthy way,” as they occur, that allows the “sun to go down on our anger” (our relational hurts) over and over. Then one day, it would seem that the sun just doesn’t come out, anymore. Personally, I know what that’s like and maybe you do, too – and eventually it really hurts.

Now although I don’t believe that “time heals” anything, I do believe that
in time, ALL THINGS are revealed – even the true heartfelt feelings of
our supposedly committed relationships. I’ve also experienced that, over time, our deepest unhealed hurts and the true condition of our previously wounded hearts will eventually come to the surface in any relationship – committed or otherwise. But in sharing my thoughts and experiences here, I’ll be writing about relationships in which there IS some defined sense of commitment – verbal, vowed or otherwise.

Commitments are On-Going. . .
They’re NOT just One-Time Events

Commitments in relationships are often made with the best of intentions. However, I’ve come to accept that there’s a really big difference between being “In Love” versus our being committed (and able) to Loving
one another unconditionally and without expectations. And for our commitments to truly last, I’ve also found that Forgiveness will play a HUGE role.  

Still, when either partner in a relationship decides that it’s over (unless
the breakup is mutual), it’s often quite easy for one partner to remind
the other, “We had a commitment – we made vows to each other.”
Honestly, I tried using that “Statement of Judgment” and it didn’t
work at all. If anything, it resulted in creating even more animosity and a greater emotional distance. People who are hurting don’t need to be challenged about vows and obligations – they need to be Loved, unconditionally. Truly, I've wished I could have known what I've been learning over the past few years, prior to the breakup of my marriage.
But, perhaps I needed to go through that difficult and painful experience just so that I could come to the place of really WANTING to LEARN how to do things differently – especially in a committed relationship.

Unfortunately, as time goes on, the “for better or worse” vows which
so many of us have shared with each other can often seem to disappear. Now the strange thing about reciting those words, for those of us who are “Believers” so to speak, is that those particular words are nowhere to be found in the Bible. So if God’s Word is Eternal, which I believe it is, it’s really no particular wonder to me that the “words of man” often don’t last. Promises and vows, just like a “ring,” are simply no guarantee for having a committed, lasting, healthy and happy relationship with another person.

Pastor and author Andy Stanley recently did a 4-part video series called “Staying in Love.” I encourage you to consider taking the time to view the short videos by clicking on this link: http://yourmove.is/watch/staying-in-love/

Here are a few quotes from Andy's series:

-  Promises and Vows (Commitments) don’t make us capable or able,
   they just make us accountable.

-  When you become accountable for something you’re not capable
   of doing, you become miserable.

-  Just because we make a promise to someone, doesn’t mean
   we have the ability to “pull it off.”

-  When you commit to something you can’t do, the Promise is worthless.

-  Without our individual willingness to look at our past and change
   [often, Healing is necessary - rbd], it’s likely that our future will be
   a mere reflection of our past.

When people are disappointed or hurt over an ongoing period of time in which there’s no healthy conflict resolution, the continuing “heartbreak” can eventually have a “last straw.” In my experience with a 17-year marriage, the “last straw” didn't seem to be all that devastating (at least
to me) at the time of the actual breakup. But, that’s why it’s referred to
as a “straw” – straws aren’t all that heavy until they’re the “last one” which breaks the proverbial “camels back.” Eventually, without reconciling the painful relational events that occur and being able to relieve the ongoing burdens of an unhealthy relationship (and the wounded hearts that are involved), it just gets to be too much for one or both partners.

I feel that a truly committed relationship is NOT a “one-time event” based upon some heartfelt words that are shared between two people during a special ceremony. It’s really something that has to be WORKED AT and re-committed to on a daily basis. And very much like the concept of “Soul-Mates,” I've come to truly believe something I recently read by psychologist John Grey, Ph.D: “You don’t just meet a “Soul-Mate”
and live happily ever after, like the myth that we would all prefer
to believe says. Instead, I’ve observed that real world Soul-Mates BECOME that – by growing together in certain ways and working through challenges successfully.” And let’s be honest – who HASN’T felt “challenged” in their committed relationship at one time or another, or perhaps even over and over?  

To have a truly “Healthy Committed Relationship” with another person requires something more than just words and promises. Ideally, it requires an “Agreement of Two Hearts.” Now there’s something in the Word of God which I have come to personally believe and experience in my own life. And that is, “Can two walk together, unless they have agreed to do so?” (Amos 3:3). The bottom-line is when two people are no longer
“in agreement” over “whatever,” the supposedly committed relationship is going to be difficult, if not eventually impossible. So, perhaps we need to take a look at a larger component of committed relationships – and that’s in the area of “Healthy Communication.”

Healthy Communication –
It’s HOW we SAY it. . . and HOW WELL we LISTEN

As my older, wise brother told me during the break-up of our marriage, “BOTH of you need to be willing to LEARN a ‘whole new style of communicating’ with one another, if there’s going to be any hope
of a reconciliation and restoration of your broken relationship.”
And truly. . . he was right. It wasn’t just me or just her – it was BOTH of us. “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” (James 1:19)

Quite often, what we say and what another person actually “hears” can really be two very different things. And to make our committed relationships even more difficult, if there are unresolved issues (unhealed hurts) that we’re carrying within us, which we haven’t been able (or willing) to deal with, then our ability to speak and/or listen to our partners in a healthy way will be negatively affected – even if those unresolved issues were from other relationships in our past.

Part of the growing problems in my failed committed relationship stemmed from the fact that neither of us we’re really all that capable of expressing
or sharing our feelings in a “Healthy Way.” For many of us, we’ve learned these unhealthy styles of communication by the examples we were given during our childhood. Many of us grew up in households which had a “No-Talk Rule.” That is, rather than observing our parents working through differences and challenging relational issues in a “Healthy Way,” we saw them respond harshly to one another, disengage, or perhaps even just “play nice.” The heartfelt issues simply weren’t addressed and seemed to disappear. Truly, I think we all know better?

This month, I’ll be sharing the introduction to an article on Healthy Communication referred to as “Imago Dialogue.” I’ve divided the article into three parts (Parts 2 & 3 to follow) to eliminate the need for one long reading. I’m hoping you’ll take the time to read the articles and think
about (even consider practicing) what is shared. Here’s to “going back
to school” so we can hopefully learn some “Healthy Stuff” about developing Committed, Lasting, Healthy and Happy Relationships.

R Butch David