You know, we all tend to go through some difficult times in our lives – perhaps you can relate. Several years ago, I feel that by Grace, God had sent a few people to me as a means of helping me through those trying times. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, certain key people would be playing a major role in the development of my future relationships with others (along with the Healing of some existing relationships). It seemed that they had learned a few things about relationships in their own Journey – in particular, how to have Healthy, Healing and Loving Relationships.
Initially, I was given the opportunity to share my story of heartbreak with two different people on two separate occasions – and the responses
(and outcomes) were quite different. With one person, I felt completely “challenged” as I shared my story of personal tragedies. And the more I was challenged about “how I could be wrong about things” – the more hurt (and defensive) I became. It felt like I was being admonished (told) to “get my act together,” even from a Spiritual perspective. As it was, I left that meeting feeling even more upset and disheartened than when I first arrived.
(and outcomes) were quite different. With one person, I felt completely “challenged” as I shared my story of personal tragedies. And the more I was challenged about “how I could be wrong about things” – the more hurt (and defensive) I became. It felt like I was being admonished (told) to “get my act together,” even from a Spiritual perspective. As it was, I left that meeting feeling even more upset and disheartened than when I first arrived.
But with the other person, just a week later, something different occurred. Although I basically did a “re-run” in sharing my personal tragedies all over again – this person responded in a different way. They patiently listened and empathized with me. At times, they even appeared to be deeply saddened by my story. This time, I didn’t feel that I wasn’t being rebuked or challenged, nor was I given Scriptural references to consider. Rather, I felt that I was really being “cared for.” Although I didn’t quite understand the interpersonal dynamics of what was happening, I later came to appreciate what I had just encountered. Relationally speaking, I had been presented with a “Gift” – The Gift of “Validation and Acknowledgement.”
I think many of us have experienced “Invalidation” in our lives and personal relationships. And often when relationships fail, it’s because of
a simple lack of Validation and Acknowledgement regarding our feelings.
I’ve come to learn that when people are hurting, they aren’t necessarily seeking answers, opinions, directions or advice. Sometimes, it’s just that we want someone to listen to us, and perhaps, even identify with our pain. And when that happens – True Healing can begin.
a simple lack of Validation and Acknowledgement regarding our feelings.
I’ve come to learn that when people are hurting, they aren’t necessarily seeking answers, opinions, directions or advice. Sometimes, it’s just that we want someone to listen to us, and perhaps, even identify with our pain. And when that happens – True Healing can begin.
Following is an article about Validation and its importance in developing and maintaining Healthy & Healing Relationships. It was first provided to the Transformational Healing Community by a fellow member and Friend, back in 2008. My thanks and gratefulness goes out to that Friend who had the loving desire to share this information, from an anonymous source.
R Butch David
How to Validate Someone
One of the most important emotional skills is the skill of Validation.
It is a skill because it can be learned. Whether it is, or ever will be, part
of the academic or corporate measures of emotional intelligence, I really don't know. But I do know that if you want to have better (healthy) relationships with people, the skill of emotional validation is extremely useful.
of the academic or corporate measures of emotional intelligence, I really don't know. But I do know that if you want to have better (healthy) relationships with people, the skill of emotional validation is extremely useful.
The relationship will be better because with more validation you are
going to have less debating, less conflicts, and less disagreement.
You will also find that validation opens people up and helps them feel
free to communicate with you. In fact, if there is a communication breakdown, if there is a wall between you and someone else, it probably has been built with the bricks of Invalidation. Validation
is the means of chipping away at the wall and opening the free flow of communication.
going to have less debating, less conflicts, and less disagreement.
You will also find that validation opens people up and helps them feel
free to communicate with you. In fact, if there is a communication breakdown, if there is a wall between you and someone else, it probably has been built with the bricks of Invalidation. Validation
is the means of chipping away at the wall and opening the free flow of communication.
What Validation Is
To validate someone's feelings is first to accept someone's feelings.
Next, it is to understand them, and finally it is to nurture them. To validate is to acknowledge and accept one's unique identity and individuality. Invalidation, the other hand, is to reject, ignore, or judge their feelings, and hence, their individual identity.
Next, it is to understand them, and finally it is to nurture them. To validate is to acknowledge and accept one's unique identity and individuality. Invalidation, the other hand, is to reject, ignore, or judge their feelings, and hence, their individual identity.
When we validate someone, we allow them to safely share their feelings and thoughts. We are reassuring them that it is okay to have the feelings they have. We are demonstrating that we will
still accept them after they have shared their feelings. We let them know that we respect their perception of things at that moment. We help them feel heard, acknowledged, understood and accepted.
still accept them after they have shared their feelings. We let them know that we respect their perception of things at that moment. We help them feel heard, acknowledged, understood and accepted.
Sometimes validation entails listening, sometimes it is a nod or a sign of agreement or understanding, sometimes it can be a hug or a gentle touch. Sometimes it means being patient when the other person is not ready
to talk.
to talk.
Painful feelings that are expressed, acknowledged and validated by a trusted listener will diminish.
– Painful feelings that are ignored will gain strength –
– Painful feelings that are ignored will gain strength –
Basic Steps to Validation
1) Acknowledging the other person's feelings
2) Identifying the feelings
3) Offering to listen
4) Helping them label the feelings
5) Being there for them; remaining present physically and emotionally
6) Feeling patient
7) Feeling accepting and non-judgmental
2) Identifying the feelings
3) Offering to listen
4) Helping them label the feelings
5) Being there for them; remaining present physically and emotionally
6) Feeling patient
7) Feeling accepting and non-judgmental
Here are some simple ways to validate someone when they talking to you and they are feeling upset, hurt, sad, etc.
Awww – Yeah – Mmm (watch this one – it’s sometimes referred to
as the “Christian Moo”) – I hear you. – That hurts. – That's not good. – Wow, that's a lot to deal with. – That's no fun. – I would feel the same way. – I would feel hurt (sad/angry/jealous, etc.) too. – That is sad. – That sounds discouraging. – That sounds like it would really hurt. – That must really hurt. – I know just what you mean. – I would feel the same way. –
I can understand how you feel. – It sounds like you are really feeling ____. – It sounds like _____ is really important to you.
as the “Christian Moo”) – I hear you. – That hurts. – That's not good. – Wow, that's a lot to deal with. – That's no fun. – I would feel the same way. – I would feel hurt (sad/angry/jealous, etc.) too. – That is sad. – That sounds discouraging. – That sounds like it would really hurt. – That must really hurt. – I know just what you mean. – I would feel the same way. –
I can understand how you feel. – It sounds like you are really feeling ____. – It sounds like _____ is really important to you.
Most of us truly want to help other people, but often we don't know how,
or we try too hard and we start giving advice, as our parents did to us.
But I have found that usually if I just validate someone, they are often
able to work out their own emotional problems even faster than if I were
to give them my advice. This I believe is a sign of not only high EQ (Emotional Quotient), but of Wisdom. Though I read about validation and "active listening" I didn't learn the importance of it. I learned it from life. And from watching what works and what doesn't work. If you want to help someone, try some of these. I have found they have amazing power.
or we try too hard and we start giving advice, as our parents did to us.
But I have found that usually if I just validate someone, they are often
able to work out their own emotional problems even faster than if I were
to give them my advice. This I believe is a sign of not only high EQ (Emotional Quotient), but of Wisdom. Though I read about validation and "active listening" I didn't learn the importance of it. I learned it from life. And from watching what works and what doesn't work. If you want to help someone, try some of these. I have found they have amazing power.
For some people all you need to do is use these short, validating comments and they will continue to talk. For others, you might encourage them to keep talking with
short questions such as:
short questions such as:
Really? – Yeah? – How's that? – You did? – She did?
If you find yourself in a position of needing to lead the conversation you might try:
I can see that you are really upset. – You look pretty sad. – You seem a little worried, troubled, scared, etc. Would you like to talk about it? –
That really bothered you, didn't it? – How did you feel when ______?
That really bothered you, didn't it? – How did you feel when ______?
Also, to help someone release their feelings try:
What bothers you the most about it? – How strongly are you feeling that (on a scale of 0 - 10)? How come? – How's that? So you really felt _____?
– Is that close? – So what bothered you was that _____? – What else bothered you______? How else did you feel______? – What would help you feel better?
– Is that close? – So what bothered you was that _____? – What else bothered you______? How else did you feel______? – What would help you feel better?
Often, the fewer words from you, the better, especially when someone needs to talk and they are both willing and able. I have found, as I am sure you have, that it takes more to get some people talking than others. But once most people start, and feel safe and validated, they will continue.
Validation allows a person to release their feelings in a healthy, safe and supportive way. It also helps us get to know them better. Thus it builds bonds of caring, support, acceptance, understanding and trust. When a person is feeling down, these bonds are sometimes all that another person needs to begin to feel better and solve their own problems.
On the other hand, when they are feeling excited and enthusiastic, this validation encourages them and helps keep their spirits high.
For example when someone is excited, proud etc.
You might say:
You might say:
Cool – Neat – Wow – Excellent. etc. – That must have been fun/exciting. – I can see why you are proud.
Why Validation is SO Important
By validating someone we demonstrate that we care and that their feelings matter to us – in other words, that they matter to us. By "mirroring" someone's feelings, we show them that we are in tune with them. We feel connected with them and they feel connected with us. (You can learn more by visiting: www.eqi.org)
