It's kind of like. . . “Tennis Anyone?”
Sharing an Article by Anne Ream
Did you ever play tennis by yourself? It’s really not all that possible, unless of course you find a wall to hit the ball up against. And although
it might be fun for a little while, eventually you’ll probably get tired of it
and your tennis skills will only slightly improve. The reason is because YOU are the one who’s in control of the game. You can actually control the return (response) by how you decide to deliver your next swing.
it might be fun for a little while, eventually you’ll probably get tired of it
and your tennis skills will only slightly improve. The reason is because YOU are the one who’s in control of the game. You can actually control the return (response) by how you decide to deliver your next swing.
Now that might be great to learn a few things, but truly, your game will never really improve and your skills will never be tested until you step
out on the court – with another real player. Still, the more you work on developing your own personal tennis skills, the more you’ll eventually be able to contribute to a real game. To really play tennis, you have to find a partner who’s truly interested in the game and who is committed to it.
out on the court – with another real player. Still, the more you work on developing your own personal tennis skills, the more you’ll eventually be able to contribute to a real game. To really play tennis, you have to find a partner who’s truly interested in the game and who is committed to it.
Likewise, having a healthy relationship with someone will also involve having a partner who is truly interested in working on that, and who is committed to developing that kind of relationship with you, as well. In
order to have a happy, healthy and lasting relationship with someone, Reciprocation must be included and practiced by both partners.
In effect, when you hit the ball. . . someone has to "hit the ball back."
order to have a happy, healthy and lasting relationship with someone, Reciprocation must be included and practiced by both partners.
In effect, when you hit the ball. . . someone has to "hit the ball back."
In reality, developing a loving and healthy relationship with another person is going to involve each partner’s willingness, desire and commitment to “doing the work” necessary to promote that kind of a relationship. Our individual willingness to “work on our own stuff” (past unhealed hurts and unresolved emotional issues) is really important. All of us have things (baggage) that we bring with us into every new relationship. And the “healthier” we are, individually, the greater the potential will be for each of us to contribute in having a happy, healthy, loving, lasting and meaningful relationship with someone else.
I've heard it said that “Falling in Love is easy – and falling out of Love is even easier.” Often, finding someone to play tennis with is easy. But, finding the “ideal” tennis partner can be a real challenge. Still when you do, it truly becomes an enjoyable and rewarding game. And in real life, finding the ideal relationship partner can sometimes be a real challenge, as well. To some extent, I feel that relationships are kind of like playing tennis. I also find it interesting that in intimate personal relationships, just like in the game of tennis, the “Score” is often based upon. . . “Love.”
In a quote from relationship coach Tony Robbins, “Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter into a relationship in order to GET something. They're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to GIVE, and not a place that you go to take.” Truly, it seems that the happiest and healthiest relationships have a strong sense of reciprocation at their core, that is, at the Heart of the Relationship. And ideally, “Two must be in Agreement to walk together.” Following, is an article about Reciprocation in Healthy Relationships.
R Butch David
Relationship Reciprocity
(By Anne Ream, ATR-BC, LPC*)
Most of us do not consciously think about reciprocity in our intimate relationships and when we do, we might say, “of course it is important.” And as we think about “The Golden Rule,” we recognize it as a valuable principle to live by. Reciprocity is not something that can be exact, because what one person can do, another person cannot. The most obvious example of this dichotomy is that most women do not have the strength men have to lift and carry heavy items. On the other hand men cannot have babies and many have difficulty threading a needle. These
are general and physical examples, of course, but they can help us begin thinking about reciprocity in intimate relationships. Reciprocity and cooperation are so valuable, precisely because we do have various strengths and weaknesses.
are general and physical examples, of course, but they can help us begin thinking about reciprocity in intimate relationships. Reciprocity and cooperation are so valuable, precisely because we do have various strengths and weaknesses.
Although people have long-recognized the importance of reciprocity, Marsha Linehan explained its value in intimate relationships in her dialectical behavioral therapy theory. Her work continues to be taught, appreciated, and used in many therapeutic settings, with men, as well
as women. Reciprocity is also mentioned as an important relationship characteristic in the Trauma Recovery and Empowerment Model, developed by a group of women led by Maxine Harris PhD (1998).
This model is often used to help women who have been abused.
as women. Reciprocity is also mentioned as an important relationship characteristic in the Trauma Recovery and Empowerment Model, developed by a group of women led by Maxine Harris PhD (1998).
This model is often used to help women who have been abused.
Reciprocity will be difficult or impossible to develop and maintain
if one partner in the relationship believes that he, or she, is and must be superior, or in control. Likewise, a person who is highly competitive may have difficulty understanding and learning how to create reciprocity in an intimate relationship. Reciprocal relationships require
a spirit of cooperation, as well as, an understanding of and ability to embrace interdependence. To cultivate a lasting, committed relationship, both partners must have and be able to continue
to nurture feelings of love for each other.
if one partner in the relationship believes that he, or she, is and must be superior, or in control. Likewise, a person who is highly competitive may have difficulty understanding and learning how to create reciprocity in an intimate relationship. Reciprocal relationships require
a spirit of cooperation, as well as, an understanding of and ability to embrace interdependence. To cultivate a lasting, committed relationship, both partners must have and be able to continue
to nurture feelings of love for each other.
Reciprocity is developed and woven into good enough relationships, sometimes without participants knowing that is what they are doing. With awareness, it can become a robust, healthy feature of the relationship. Reciprocity requires people to be invested in their relationship.
If a relationship is important enough to them, partners will be emotionally invested in it enough to work at building and maintaining it. Commitment
is sustained through the improvement of reward-cost balance in relationships. Weeks and Treat (2009) point out that “the most useful investments are those that tap into what the partner has contributed emotionally.” Passion is a vital condition in healthy relationships. Reciprocated love is related to feeling fulfilled. Reciprocated love and emotional contribution are behavioral investments that sustain a committed relationship.
If a relationship is important enough to them, partners will be emotionally invested in it enough to work at building and maintaining it. Commitment
is sustained through the improvement of reward-cost balance in relationships. Weeks and Treat (2009) point out that “the most useful investments are those that tap into what the partner has contributed emotionally.” Passion is a vital condition in healthy relationships. Reciprocated love is related to feeling fulfilled. Reciprocated love and emotional contribution are behavioral investments that sustain a committed relationship.
To create a reciprocal relationship, both partners need to be able to
accept responsibility for that creation. The interdependence of a healthy relationship requires that both people accept personal responsibility.
One partner cannot take all the blame, while the other partner gives all the blame. Acceptance of responsibility for the creation of a reciprocal relationship takes a high degree of emotional maturity, which takes awareness, time and personal work to develop. This can be the most rewarding work a person will do in his or her lifetime. It is the work of maturation.
accept responsibility for that creation. The interdependence of a healthy relationship requires that both people accept personal responsibility.
One partner cannot take all the blame, while the other partner gives all the blame. Acceptance of responsibility for the creation of a reciprocal relationship takes a high degree of emotional maturity, which takes awareness, time and personal work to develop. This can be the most rewarding work a person will do in his or her lifetime. It is the work of maturation.
When two people decide to develop a healthy, interdependent, and reciprocal relationship, it is wise for them to take the time to talk about their personal value system and what characteristics they believe create
a healthy relationship. For instance, some people value affection as an important condition for a healthy relationship, while others do not. In
such a situation, reciprocity will be difficult. Respect is another value that needs to be discussed. Aretha Franklin states in her song, “find out what it means to me.” Asking one another to define “respect” is an excellent place to start the discussion. Respect must be reciprocal and each person needs to be able to articulate it when he or she he feels disrespected. Examples of a few areas that involve respect are; philosophy [Spirituality – rbd], profession, principles, intelligence, creativity, parenting and personal growth process. Reciprocal respect will be difficult or impossible if one partner does not respect the other’s beliefs in those subjects. People need to be honest with themselves first, so they can then be honest with their partner. If there is a lack of respect, love cannot continue to grow and the relationship will be difficult, if not impossible.
such a situation, reciprocity will be difficult. Respect is another value that needs to be discussed. Aretha Franklin states in her song, “find out what it means to me.” Asking one another to define “respect” is an excellent place to start the discussion. Respect must be reciprocal and each person needs to be able to articulate it when he or she he feels disrespected. Examples of a few areas that involve respect are; philosophy [Spirituality – rbd], profession, principles, intelligence, creativity, parenting and personal growth process. Reciprocal respect will be difficult or impossible if one partner does not respect the other’s beliefs in those subjects. People need to be honest with themselves first, so they can then be honest with their partner. If there is a lack of respect, love cannot continue to grow and the relationship will be difficult, if not impossible.
A basic building block of intimate relationships concerns how people define reciprocity about the exchange of goods and labor [gifts and acts
of service – rbd]. It is prudent to have discussions about those issues, before committing. Reciprocity in other areas of the relationship, such as emotional, physical or sexual intimacy also needs to be discussed. Negotiating reciprocity is a skill that people can build with one another.
of service – rbd]. It is prudent to have discussions about those issues, before committing. Reciprocity in other areas of the relationship, such as emotional, physical or sexual intimacy also needs to be discussed. Negotiating reciprocity is a skill that people can build with one another.
Negative reciprocity often occurs when a behavior has had a negative effect on one person and he or she reciprocates with a behavior that
has an equally negative effect. People react to each other without thinking. Partners need to discuss this sort of exchange order to prevent it from spiraling out of control and to learn how to respond thoughtfully. If partners have built an emotionally healthy relationship, they can work it out by themselves. Sometimes it is helpful to work with a counselor.
has an equally negative effect. People react to each other without thinking. Partners need to discuss this sort of exchange order to prevent it from spiraling out of control and to learn how to respond thoughtfully. If partners have built an emotionally healthy relationship, they can work it out by themselves. Sometimes it is helpful to work with a counselor.
Reciprocation in intimate relationships is vital for the relationship
to continue growing and becoming a healthy, lasting, committed relationship. This type of reciprocity differs from the reciprocity that occurs in other types of relationships. Couples getting ready to commit
to a relationship should engage in deep, intimate discussions with each other about how they define love and how they plan to develop reciprocity with each other and keep it growing. Knowing that change is a consistent process in life will help people recognize the value of preparing the soil for a relationship from the beginning. The thrill of the adrenaline rush that comes from [the initial – rbd] attraction is never enough. That ends, often quickly. It is easy to delude ourselves into believing that our partner can and will be able to build the kind of loving, committed relationship that most of us want. Talking, openly, honestly and deeply with our partner can help us make a better decision about whether or not we are genuinely capable of building a healthy reciprocal relationship.
to continue growing and becoming a healthy, lasting, committed relationship. This type of reciprocity differs from the reciprocity that occurs in other types of relationships. Couples getting ready to commit
to a relationship should engage in deep, intimate discussions with each other about how they define love and how they plan to develop reciprocity with each other and keep it growing. Knowing that change is a consistent process in life will help people recognize the value of preparing the soil for a relationship from the beginning. The thrill of the adrenaline rush that comes from [the initial – rbd] attraction is never enough. That ends, often quickly. It is easy to delude ourselves into believing that our partner can and will be able to build the kind of loving, committed relationship that most of us want. Talking, openly, honestly and deeply with our partner can help us make a better decision about whether or not we are genuinely capable of building a healthy reciprocal relationship.
*Copyright 2010 by Anne D. Ream MA, ATR-BC, LPC.
