Who Taught You HOW to Forgive?

"Forgiveness and Restoration". . . Not Exactly

In the words of popular singer-songwriter Don Henley (The Eagles):  

"I've been tryin' to get down, to the HEART of the matter. . . Forgiveness, Forgiveness." Yeah maybe, and then again - maybe not.

Recently, I found an article entitled "Forgiveness and Restoration" 
on the Christian Website, Focus on The Family. Unfortunately as I read through it, I found only a few points that were related to the concept of “Biblical Forgiveness" and NOTHING regarding true "Biblical Restoration.” In fact, I found the article to be a pretty good example of what "Forgiveness and Restoration" ISN'T. And, I felt truly saddened. 

Although appearing in the title, the word “Restoration" is nowhere to 

be found in the entire article.* So I questioned, “WHY” would the following article be under the heading and title of “Forgiveness and Restoration” when it omits ANY mention of Restoration? I've listened to Focus on 
The Family on the radio for years and found the majority of their programs to be very loving and Christ-like. So I ask the question, did someone at Focus on The Family miss something?

“Forgiveness” is more than just a “clinical term” used to relieve our consciences when someone has hurt us. It’s a HeartMatter that ultimately affects our ability to love. . . the way Christ loves us. Forgiveness also affects our ability to HEAL.

I forwarded a copy of the article to Ken Unger (Author and Spiritual Therapist). In Ken’s own words, “Nowhere in the article is there any mention of ‘Heartfelt Forgiveness’ or the healing of emotional wounds.” 

In his healing book The Ultimate Breakthrough, Ken writes:

“One of the key things that holds us back is a misunderstanding about forgiveness. It’s what I call premature forgiveness. We all know we’re 

to forgive those who wronged us. But, I’ve seldom heard forgiveness taught the way Jesus taught it. He said unless we forgive from the heart we won’t be forgiven, and there’s the rub.

“True forgiveness is more than a simple act of the will. It’s a heartfelt release of our judgments against another, and that’s a lot more complicated. . . Unforgiveness is one of the terrible ways we bind 

people on earth. Heartfelt forgiveness is one of the marvelous ways 

we can loose them. If you’re having a hard time forgiving, relax. Ask the Lord for help. Pray for wisdom, work on healing your own pain, and ask Him to enable you to release your judgments. If necessary, talk through the issues with the people who have wronged you. One way or another you’ll eventually be able to forgive them ‘from the heart'.

“How do you know when you’ve done that? If you find yourself saying,  

'I forgive you but I never want to see you again', you haven’t forgiven. Forgiveness is only real when you can sincerely wish the person well who has harmed you. When you can truly bless those who cursed you, then you and they will both be free. . . With God’s help, we can genuinely forgive and be free of our bitterness and resentment.” 

It’s a fact that broken relationships and divorce tend to be increasing, 

even in the “Christian Community” at large. Ultimately, when considering the majority of advice given in the article below, the larger question of  

“Is it any wonder?” comes to the surface. Maybe you’ve received the following “Brand of Forgiveness” from someone in your life – and I bet it  

"it hurt like hell." But, I agree that “God often allows us to have these hurtful experiences so we’ll know how NOT to treat others.”

Granted, I do feel there were a few points in the complete article, regarding forgiveness, that did make sense – especially if the relationship involved physical abuse or other life-threatening circumstances. But considering the article's title, I also feel the general tone was truly lacking, regarding "Forgiveness and Restoration." I've included those particular points 
from the article, which clearly fall short, when it comes to Heartfelt Forgiveness as Jesus taught. And so, I dare ask the question. . . ?

What would it be like for ANY OF US if God was only able and willing to forgive each of us according to the advice given in the following article? My guess is that Heaven would be a pretty lonely and empty place. If we think about it - without Heartfelt Forgiveness, even as Jesus professed while on the Cross, there truly is NO Salvation or Restoration. . . FOR ANY OF US! And, if any of us aren't so sure about that, maybe we should ask Peter (the Apostle) or perhaps the Prodigal Son, or even the woman (or man) caught in adultery.

Without our willingness to bring Christ "into those hurts" to Heal them - 
we have no ability to FORGIVE FROM THE HEART. If we're not willing to FEEL IT, Christ can't HEAL IT. Without Forgiveness - we have no capacity to truly Love. And without Love, relationships simply cannot endure.

On a personal note: Although I admit to knowing nothing of the personal wounds which the author has endured in her life, I genuinely sense a lot 
of pain and woundedness in her heart from unhealed hurts in her past. Whatever wounds she's experienced from others must have hurt real badly. I pray for Christ’s Healing of her broken heart and for Heartfelt Forgiveness in her soul. Maybe sometimes, “We need to forgive others for not being able to forgive us.”

Love Never Fails - Love Always Forgives,  

R Butch David

*The following article, “Forgiveness and Restoration” by Rose Sweet, 

may be viewed in its entirety at the following website link: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/divorce_and_infidelity/forgiveness_and_restoration.aspx

Forgiveness and Restoration

by Rose Sweet

Why Do We Find It So Hard to Forgive?

One reason we resist forgiving is that we don't really understand what forgiveness is or how it works. We think we do, but we don't.

Most of us assume that if we forgive our offenders, they are let off the hook — scot-free — and get to go about their merry ways while we unfairly suffer from their actions. We also may think that we have to be friendly with them again, or go back to the old relationship. While God commands us to forgive others, he never told us to keep trusting those who violated our trust or even to like being around those who hurt us.

The first step to understanding forgiveness is learning what it is and isn't. The next step is giving yourself permission to forgive and forget, letting go of the bitterness while remembering very clearly your rights to healthy boundaries.

Granting Forgiveness

• Forgiveness is not letting the offender off the hook. We can and should still hold others accountable for their actions or lack of actions.
• Forgiveness is returning to God the right to take care of justice. By refusing to transfer the right to exact punishment or revenge, we are telling God we don't trust him to take care of matters.
• Forgiveness is not letting the offense recur again and again. We don't have to tolerate, nor should we keep ourselves open to, lack of respect or any form of abuse.
• Forgiveness is not the same as reconciling. We can forgive someone even if we never can get along with him again.
• We have to forgive every time. If we find ourselves constantly forgiving, though, we might need to take a look at the dance we are doing with the other person that sets us up to be continually hurt, attacked, or abused.
• We don't always have to tell them we have forgiven them. Self-righteously announcing our gracious forgiveness to someone who has not asked to be forgiven may be a manipulation to make them feel guilty. It also is a form of pride.
• Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. It's normal for memories to be triggered in the future. When thoughts of past hurts occur, it's what we do with them that counts. When we find ourselves focusing on a past offense, we can learn to say, "Thank you, God, for this reminder
  of how important forgiveness is."

From A Woman's Guide to Healing the Heartbreak of Divorce, 
published by Hendrickson Publishers, Inc. Copyright © 2001, 
Hendrickson Publishers, Inc.