What is Real Love?

A Perspective. . .

Did you ever try to be kind and loving to someone and in return, they seemed to resent, despise or even appear to hate you? I think that at one time or another, many of us have experienced that dilemma in various relationships. I mean, what do you do when you’re purposely being kind and loving to someone and they respond in an unkind and unloving way? Just recently, I watched Mel Gibson's movie The Passion for a second time - I think Jesus had more than a little experience with that. . .

As I look back, I remember a time in my life when some people tried their best to love me in whatever form they felt constituted their love. According to Dr. Gary Chapman, that "Love" might have appeared in the form of "Words, Gifts, Acts of Service, Quality Time, or Physical Touch" (The Five Love Languages). Yet, I now know that because of my previously unhealed emotional wounds – and that is to say, the way I felt about myself “inside” at the time, I really wasn’t able to receive love and kindness from others. . . something about it seemed to "hurt."

It’s been said that “People often treat others the way they ‘truly feel’ about themselves.” Just as when you truly don't feel forgiven or perhaps haven’t forgiven yourself, neither can you forgive others. And when you don’t or can’t love yourself, neither can you truly love others or accept their love. 
I think it boils down to, “You can’t receive (or give) what you don’t have 
or FEEL within you” – that is to say, within your own Heart (your Soul). Heartfelt Forgiveness and Unconditional Love are both a choice. And, "Whoever has been Forgiven of much, can Love much. . ." (paraphrased).

I’ve personally had the recurring experience of "not trying to affect the outcome,” especially in relationships and situations which seem difficult. Rather, I’ve found it’s best to allow God to work things out - after all, “He’s NOT on vacation.” Maybe sometimes, Real Love is about “letting go” and allowing people to decide for themselves whether or not they will receive our love. As always, maybe the best thing to do is just to pray. . .

The following is an internet article with a non-religious (secular) perspective about “Real Love.” Granted in most things, regardless of the source, there can be “Meat and Bones.” Still, I felt there were some very good and true points made in the following article that make sense. And, as Jesus says, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13)

Love Never Fails

R Butch David
 

Real Love

An Article by Colette Dowling, LMSW*

True love is not only hard to find, it’s also hard to tolerate. Such an idea may seem counterintuitive, but if you ponder it long enough to really get it, it could change the way you think about love.

All of us have been wounded in some way, either by early love relationships or later ones. Naturally, we create defenses to avoid 
getting hurt again - but we also maintain defenses against love itself. Why? Because loving responses from others can often cause us anxiety and sadness. Love hurts, as the song goes. So unconsciously we do a little dance to avoid being truly loved. It tilts our world and creates anxiety. Sometimes it’s easier to settle for the illusion. We create fantasy relationships that may have the outward signs of commitment, but which lack the joys and tensions of real love. We don’t have to worry about losing something if we don’t actually have it to begin with.

Or maybe we actually do manage to fall in love. Why is it that romance fades so quickly? Because soon after making the big commitment, we’re busy locking love into a compartment far removed from day-to-day reality. And far removed from the way we actually behave toward the one we at least started out loving. "Internal fantasies of love on the part of one’s mate, without the appropriate external behavioral manifestations, have no value for the recipient other than to disturb his or her reality testing," write Robert Firestone and Joyce Catlett in Fear of Intimacy.

That is, when you’re getting the talk but not getting the behaviors that are supposed to go with it, it can be crazy-making. A discrepancy between claims of love and actual behavior is a definite red flag.

So what is love? Firestone and Catlett offer an eye-opening definition. They describe love as "those behaviors that enhance the emotional well-being, sense of self, and autonomy of both parties". Anyone who claims to love another will behave in certain ways – or else they’re not really in love. True love is about appreciating and respecting the true nature of the other person and supporting his or her personal freedom. It’s not about fixing or changing the other person. It’s not about using the other person for one’s own sense of identity or personal security. Ideally you will have those things in place before you go off and "fall" for someone.

Which brings me to the subject of sexual attraction. Sex, in and of itself, has almost nothing to do with love. You can be dying to go to bed with someone and have no more ability to really love that person than to make a moon landing. Of course, if you really do love someone, ideally you will also be sexually attracted to that person. Mature love requires an integration of emotional attachment and sexual desire. The erotic feelings are an extension of the affection partners feel for one another.

People enter therapy because of their conflicts over love. What they don’t realize, often, is that they are without the capability of truly loving another because they haven’t yet worked out their own identity issues. They’re looking for someone to "complete" them and make them feel whole. That is not the foundation of Real Love.

*Colette Dowling, LMSW, is a writer and a psychotherapist with a practice in New York. She has written many books on psychological issues relevant to women.
  

OVERCOMING REJECTION. . .

"Man, That's GOTTA Hurt!"

In a recent sermon I heard, a pastor asked his congregation, "How many 

of you have NEVER experienced 'rejection' in your life?" Surprisingly, three people in the church raised their hands. His response was, "Well good 
for you. . . now, stand up and the rest of us will give you some - just so you KNOW how it feels!" And as a close friend of mine often says,
"God often allows us to feel these kind of hurts, so we'll know how
NOT to treat others."

Yeah, REJECTION is really quite a BIG DEAL - especially when it occurs in a close, personal and intimate relationship. If that weren't true, than maybe Jesus was just kidding when He cried out those words on the cross. . . "My God, My God, WHY have You forsaken Me?"  Truly, Jesus had (and still has) a very close, personal and intimate relationship with His Father. . . "I and the Father are One." (John 10:30) And, I guess a relationship doesn't get any closer than that.

It would seem, and has been said, that the wounds He bore on our behalf and even the crucifixion itself wasn't what caused Christ to "give up His Spirit" and die for us. Granted, He willingly gave up His life for our salvation - so that we may live. But still, some have preached that is was "His separation from the Father" - that ULTIMATE REJECTION, that caused him the most pain. . . even unto death.

Following is an article about "Overcoming Rejection" which I found on the internet. I truly believe it is God's full intention for each of us who has experienced the potentially devastating effects of rejection to be "brought back to life," just as His Son was. And again, the healing of those rejecting wounds lies in our willingness to "forgive from the heart," 
as Christ forgives us.

Love Never Fails - Love Always Forgives,

R Butch David 

The Most Important Step to Overcoming Rejection 

An Article by Claire Arene, MSW, LCSW*

Rejection creates a feeling of being unwanted which then reduces 
self esteem. The more intimate the relationship in which rejection is experienced, the greater the damage done, and the more challenging 
it can be to overcome the effects.

Although rejection may occur in entirely different spheres of human relationships, it generally conveys the same messages of non-acceptance such as:

• There is something wrong with you.

• You are disliked.

• You will never change.

• You do not belong in this group.

• You are at fault / you did something wrong, or unacceptable.

• You are not one of us.

The ability to subvert the harmful, long lasting effects of being rejected depends on your ability to understand the behavior of the individual who rejects, the way you choose to interpret the messages conveyed by rejection, and how you choose to integrate those messages into your sense of self.

That is right! Your response to rejection, the power it exacts, or does not exact over you is a CHOICE. I hope this article empowers you today by the knowledge that you can be completely unscathed by what is otherwise a very ego damaging experience simply by choosing not to internalize the negative message you have received.

Rejection assigns blame; it is by assigning blame that the party, who is rejecting the other party, is able to feel absolved and free 
of any responsibility to work on the relationship or situation. “You” (what you did, who you are, or what you did not do), is the focus of rejection and the means by which the blame it assigns is expressed.

This is why when coaching clients in effective communication techniques, I generally encourage them to avoid the word “YOU” when issues arise and effective and assertive communication is needed.

To avoid internalizing your experience of rejection, you must proactively make a choice to face your fears, as well as express and share your experience no matter how shameful. In doing so, you reduce your feeling of aloneness. As you face your fears, and share the emotions provoked by your experience, you are sure to encounter others with similar stories… maybe worse. This is very vital in “turning the tide” of being rejected, suddenly your focus shifts from you, and what you may, or may not have done, to the knowledge that rejection is just an experience like any other negative experience. It is not about you, because if it was, there would not be so many others with similar stories, or worse.

Is rejection ever justified? In my opinion, this would be similar 
to asking if it is ever justified to blame, fault-find, or condemn. Rejection begins with and ends by identifying the faults in the other party. It never acknowledges the strengths, the untapped potential, or change-ability of the individual. It is not an expression of loyalty, and contributes nothing to a relationship except to absolve the person blaming from any responsibility to engage in problem solving or remain loyal.

For anyone dealing with rejection, it is frequently not what was done, 
but how it was done, what was said, and how the entire situation played out that ultimately results in that sense of unworthiness. To overcome feeling rejected, you must detach yourself from these memories of your experience and instead attach yourself to the reality of your unknown potential.

How do you stop feeling that you earned the rejection you received because of some fault in your personality, or deficiencies in your physical attributes, or because you could not be all you were expected to be? Here is a little exercise: jot down on a piece of paper, all the reasons for which you suspect, or maybe have even been told, that you were not worthy of love or acceptance. Which of these reasons detract from the uniqueness of who you are, the mysteries of your intrinsic gifts and talents, and most important, the potential you have for change? If your answer was “None,” then my response to you is to focus on your potential, not on the condemning messages of what you did or did not do. Be empowered today, knowing that you deserved that chance to evolve, to work 
on your potential, and you deserved the chance to do it a non-judgmental environment.

Understanding the mechanisms of rejection and knowing that it is never, and I repeat, never warranted or earned are the most fundamental keys to safeguarding your self esteem and sense of self worth. This is a choice. You have to make a choice about how you are going to understand the messages of rejection you receive everyday, and how you are going to, or not going to, integrate these messages into your psyche.

If you are struggling with rejection as a result of a divorce, childhood abuse/neglect, discrimination, repeated failures, or any other acts of betrayal you may need the help of a therapist to most effectively apply the techniques discussed in this article. Group therapy is particularly helpful. Initial one-to-one therapy may be necessary to prepare you for group work. Remember that facing your fears, expressing and sharing your experience, no matter how shameful, is vital in overcoming the aloneness that rejection creates and which sustains its impact.

Make a choice today to focus on the dynamic you and your untapped potential and you will be unscathed by any experiences of rejection.

Claire Arene, MSW, LCSW is a licensed clinical social worker specializing in relationship crisis, mental health disorders, Christian therapy, motivational counseling & supportive therapy. She holds a master of science degree in Social Work from Florida International University, Miami, Florida and pursues ongoing doctoral level training in clinical psychology.  www.goodtherapy.org/claire-arene-therapist.php