Understanding Anger, Love and Forgiveness. . .

It All Starts With Love

 

An Article by William DeFoore, Ph.D*

We are born with the need to love and be loved, and no one, even the 
best parents, can meet that need perfectly. Therefore we all feel hurt as 
a natural part of life. And of course, there are those hurts that are inflicted by abuse, abandonment and neglect, in some cases extreme.
 

From this pain, fear and anger naturally emerge. It makes perfect sense 

to be angry when you're hurt. Anger is an important place to visit, you just don't want to live there. Here is where love and forgiveness come in. Total forgiveness is the process of letting go of anger and resentment so that you can go on with your life. Love and forgiveness are for you, not for the forgiven. That is essential to understand.

Anger and forgiveness seem very different from each other, in the sense that anger involves an intense focus on the "wrongdoer," and forgiveness involves shifting focus off of that person and moving on with your life. Yet there are some ways that anger and forgiveness are the same.

How Anger and Forgiveness are the Same

Unhealthy anger and premature forgiveness both include:

·      Judgment

·      The "one-up" position

·      Dishonoring to yourself

When you are angry at someone and blaming them, you are definitely judging them and putting yourself in a "one-up" position. The way you are dishonoring yourself here is that you are failing to look at your own creative responsibility in the situation. This is the hazard of the "blame game." When you are into blaming others for your feelings, situation or plight, 

you are making yourself a victim and denying your own power and responsibility.

Premature forgiveness is forgiving someone when you're not through being angry. You are still judging them, and therefore you're seeing yourself as "one-up." You are dishonoring yourself by pretending to forgive in your mind, when your heart and gut are still carrying anger and resentment. Total forgiveness is a matter of body, mind and spirit release and resolution, and it just can't be done if there is residual anger.

Here are some important truths to remember when you're angry:

·      The other person is responsible for his/her actions that triggered your anger. You are not responsible for their behavior.

·      You are responsible for your emotional reaction and for your actions that result from your emotional reaction. They are not responsible for your emotional reactions or your behavior that results.

Here are some other ways that anger, love and forgiveness are
the same. When anger is healthy, and forgiveness is authentic,
both involve:

·       Love

·       Power

·       Release

·       Letting go

·       No more victim position

·       Operating in a container of love

Both healthy anger and total forgiveness involve the power of healthy release and letting go, which takes you out of the victim position. This can only occur in a container of love and forgiveness. Anger can only be healthy when accompanied by some degree of wisdom and love, and the five stages of forgiveness can only be completed when they are based on love for yourself and/or another person.

Understanding Anger

Anger is the most misunderstood emotion. Most people just think it is bad. Here are some common misconceptions: 
 

·       Anger is a bad emotion and should always be controlled 

·       It is possible to be without anger completely

·       It is wrong to be angry

·       To be angry means to be out of control

·       Anger is the same thing as aggression

·       When a person is angry that means they are not safe to be around

These misconceptions result from the lack of understanding of healthy anger. Healthy anger is:

·       A feeling you have when you're threatened or opposed

·       A protective emotion

·       Powerful energy that can be used for positive outcomes

·       Fuel for effective action

Have you ever taken action about something that made you angry? Think about MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Drivers. They got mad, and took action in healthy, appropriate ways to resolve the problem leading to their pain and anger. There is no doubt that MADD has moved through the five stages of forgiveness. Here's the bottom line on healthy anger: Healthy anger fuels effective action!

Understanding Total (Heartfelt) Forgiveness

 

Total forgiveness is something that only your body can do. Surprised by that? Here's the deal. Anger and resentments are held in the body as well as the mind, and your mind can decide to forgive long before your body is ready. Literally, your body has a mind of its own. Here are some things to understand about forgiveness:

·       Forgiveness is not just a decision that you can make in your mind.

·       Forgiveness requires an emotional and physical release to be complete.

·       Your body is capable of holding onto anger long after your mind thinks it has forgiven.

·       Forgiveness does not absolve the wrongdoer--you don't have that kind of power.

·       Withholding love and forgiveness does not hold the wrongdoer accountable--everyone is accountable whether you forgive or not.

·       Forgiving doesn't mean you have decided that what the wrongdoer
did is okay.

·       You don't have to wait for the wrongdoer to change for you to forgive.

·       You won't be able to forgive until you have fully examined the depth and extent of your wounds.

·       You won't be able to forgive until you have acknowledged the full depths of your anger.

·       Forgiveness is for you.

·       Love and forgiveness are good for your health.

·       Total forgiveness allows you to be more loving and joyful.

You will know that you have forgiven when your body is relaxed and your breathing is deep and easy – while you visualize the wrongdoer and say,
"I accept you for who you are, with all of your best and worst. I no longer need you to change. I forgive you for myself, so that I can be free. I forgive you so that I can let go of resentments and feel love and joy in my heart, mind and body." Your body will tell you if love and forgiveness are complete.

The Five Stages Of Forgiveness

 

1.    Develop a clear understanding of the wrongdoing or harm that was done to you and who is reponsible. Be aware that the love and forgiveness you are looking for will also depend on you recognizing your own responsibility for what happened.

2.    Identify and acknowledge all of your feelings in response to what happened, including pain, fear and anger primarily. Writing about these feelings can be extremely helpful for emotional healing.

3.    Talk through these feelings with a trusted confidant - a good friend or trusted counselor.

4.    Fully release all negative emotions, including anger, fear and sorrow. You must give full, complete and healthy expression to your anger to arrive at love and forgiveness.

5.    Choose joy, peace and well being for yourself.

Keep in mind that the five stages of forgiveness may require a lot of time, counseling and emotional healing. Each of the above stages might take 

as much as a few weeks or months each, depending on the depth of emotional pain that has been experienced. Just keep the faith, and know that you can find peace, love and forgiveness again!

Keys To Emotional Health

·       Take responsibility for your actions and emotions

·       Do not accept blame for anything

·       Place responsibility for others' actions and emotions on them

·       Do not blame anybody for anything

Here are some thoughts to consider about Love:

·       Love can be intoxicating, and therefore can lead to unhealthy decisions

·       The need to love and be loved is the most powerful force in human nature

·       Love and forgiveness are a natural part of your spiritual essence

·       Conditional love is not really love--it is more about control

·       The only real love is unconditional love

·       You will always remember those people in your life who have loved you unconditionally

·       You are at your very best when you are experiencing unconditional love and total forgiveness

Life starts with love. Anger is an inevitable emotion, which can temporarily or permanently take you away from love and forgiveness. When you become your own best anger management resource, you can forgive. Total forgiveness is a return to love.

And the greatest of these is Love.

William DeFoore, Ph.D. is an author, counselor, coach, consultant and president of the Institute for Personal & Professional Development. In his role as a Licensed Professional Counselor, Dr. DeFoore believes in the self-healing power of each individual, and he facilitates this healing with thirty-four years of experience in a broad variety of therapeutic approaches. He has specialized in the area of anger management for the last twenty years, and in that time has authored two books, an E-book, and numerous CD programs on the topic of anger management, forgiveness and related topics.   www.angermanagementresource.com