Over The Relationship - But Not Past The Hurt. . .

“There’s STUFF in the Basement.”

   

(By R Butch David)

I like the question posed in the song, People Are People, by a music group from the 80s called Depeche Mode. “People are people so why should it be – You and I should get along so awfully?” Unfortunately, people are people, and we’ve all been hurt at one time or another. As 

the formula in life seems to go, “Hurt People, hurt people” (HPx2).

All of us have had some painful experiences in our lives and many of 

those involve people whom we’ve had a close personal relationship with. Over time, because none of us are perfect, we’re likely to hurt (or be hurt by) the very ones we love the most. Sometimes, those hurts can be easily forgiven. A simple “I’m sorry” will suffice. As some people would say, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” But what about when the hurt is something more devastating like abuse or neglect or a deep betrayal of some sort? How do we get over that kind of hurt – the kind that’s not so easy to forgive? What if we feel we’ve been hurt so badly that we simply can’t, won’t or shouldn’t forgive? When that happens, some people feel the best thing to do is to just “move on.” We might decide that we simply need to get over that relationship and leave those hurts, and that person, behind. Maybe it’s just better to start over with someone new – someone who will treat us right and who won’t hurt us that way. As a “wise-guy” once said, “Let me know how that works (out) for you. . . ?”

Unfortunately, the emotional wounds (hurts) we’ve experienced, if not treated so they can heal, will simply wind up being carried over into the next relationship. Think of it this way – if you had an accident at your job and broke your leg while at work one day, the solution wouldn’t be just to get a new job. If that were the case, then you’d simply be taking that broken leg with you into your next place of employment. Your work environment may have changed, but the unhealed wound would still be there and it would most likely affect your ability to perform. Granted, if your new employer didn’t mind you performing at a substandard level – lets say for a few years while your broken leg healed to some degree on its own, then you could go about your new job like you would 

in life – hobbling around and just barely getting by. My guess is though, the new employer probably wouldn’t be too pleased about your disabled performance, and likely, neither would you.

The same goes for our unhealed emotional wounds. Without treatment (real healing) for our past hurts, we can change relationships as often as we like. Unfortunately, we’ll carry those unhealed hurts with us and it will affect our ability to perform and in this case, to be free to truly Love others, unconditionally. As a close friend says, “Because of our past (unhealed) hurts, we’re all doing our ‘crummy-best’ in life and in every relationship 

we have.”

I’ve found the Real Solution to the healing of my past hurts has not been 

in trying to “get over it, let it go, forget about it or move on.” There were times I’ve felt that I was indeed “over that relationship.” But as it turned out, I came to discover that “the hurts” hadn’t been healed, at all. I had unhealed “emotional baggage” that I was carrying with me. Over time, 

the infection from those unhealed wounds eventually came to the surface. 

I found myself responding to someone new, the same way I did when I was in a previous hurtful relationship. Inevitably, something they would say or do (or perhaps not say or do) would trigger the old, unhealed hurts. Psychologists and counselors often refer to that as “Pushing our Hot Buttons.” I’ve often said that “A fresh accidental ‘punch in the nose’ might have an old infected bruise behind it.” My mind and the heartfelt reality of my past were truly on a collision course. It seemed that I was Over The Relationship – But Not Past The Hurt. It would appear that my mind was telling me one thing, but deep within my heart, “There’s STUFF in The Basement” that needed to be dealt with and healed.

I like what was said in the latest of the “Rocky Movies,” Rocky Balboa. As the story goes, Rocky’s life had moved on. After a long successful career in boxing, he was now a bit older, a bit wiser, and was currently doing quite well in the restaurant business. Overall, Rocky seemed to be pretty content, happy and accepting of who he was and how things had turned out in his life. But in one particular scene, Rocky was talking to Pauly and he said, “I don’t know, there’s stuff. . . stuff in the basement – in here” (pointing to his heart). Pauly’s advice to Rocky was something like,  

“Well, you gotta deal with it – once and for all, Rocko. You need to get ‘that stuff’ out of there.”

It’s likely that we ALL have some “Stuff in the Basement” of our hearts that needs to be dealt with and healed – once and for all. That too, is a process. It takes real courage and strength to “go into the basement” and deal with it. And sometimes, we need help from someone who has been there – that is, in “the basement” of their own heart and soul. In reality, 

we also need Someone who has the Power to Heal.

In his book The Ultimate Breakthrough, (focusing on personal healing*), Ken Unger talks about something called “Premature Forgiveness.” 

He writes, “True Forgiveness is MORE than a simple act of the will 

[the mind- rd]. It's a HEARTFELT RELEASE of our judgments against another, and that's a LOT more complicated.” I’ve personally found that 

the key to the “real healing” of our emotional wounds, that is our broken hearts, is in Forgiveness. And it has to be the “kind of Forgiveness” Jesus talks about in the Book of Matthew. . . “Forgiveness from the Heart.” (Matthew 18:35)

Ken goes on to write, “Unforgiveness is one of the terrible ways we bind people on earth. Heartfelt Forgiveness is one of the marvelous ways we can loose them. If you're having a hard time forgiving, relax. . . ask the Lord for help. Pray for wisdom, work on healing your own pain, and ask Christ to enable you to release your judgments. If necessary, talk through the issues with the people who have wronged you. One way or another, you'll EVENTUALLY be able to Forgive them from the heart. . . How do you KNOW when you've done that? If you find yourself saying, ‘I forgive you, but I never want to see you again’ – YOU HAVE NOT FORGIVEN.”

While on my own Healing Journey, I’ve slowly been cleaning out “The Stuff in The Basement” of my own heart. And let me tell you, at over 50-years old – there is a “LOT OF STUFF” (past unhealed hurts) down there. Some counselors agree that many of our emotional wounds were incurred during our early childhood, before the age of eight, and we’ve had many more since then. Again, the healing of our broken hearts is a process. Christ is the Chief Surgeon who came to “Heal the brokenhearted” (Luke 4:18). If we're willing to go there, He knows how to help us “Deal with that STUFF.”

Granted, time will be necessary for healing, AFTER we’ve had surgery. But without “The Surgery,” we’ll all simply be hobbling around – a broken heart is a lot like a broken leg. And that won’t do us, or anyone else, much good – in life or in any of our relationships. In fact, unforgiveness actually does more harm to the person who carries it than it does to the person who isn’t being forgiven. An unforgiving spirit is a painfully heavy burden that we can carry within our own hearts. It can cost us dearly, in many ways. Maybe you’ve felt that you have forgiven someone. But, if you’re still having negative thoughts about the person who you feel hurt you, then you might want to consider how your “brand of forgiveness” compares with Christ’s. . .

I asked another friend, “When will I know for sure that I’ve completely Forgiven someone – from my heart?” He said, “Well that’s easy – you’ll 

be able to talk about what happened (the hurt) and it just won’t hurt, anymore.” I’ve also come to experience the Healing Power of True Forgiveness another way. As by Grace, when I’ve been able to completely forgive someone who hurt me real badly, I can then think of them with fondness, gratefulness and even some appreciation – for who they were, who they are now, and even for who God intends for them to be - through His Personal Healing Touch in their lives. As Jesus says, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute (hurt) you.” (Matthew 5:44)

Lastly, I’ve been learning to “leave the door open” when it comes to my relationships with others – even those who I feel had hurt me and those whom I have hurt. A good prayer for each of us to consider, when it comes to those who offended us might be: “Father, please ‘shower them’ with your Lovingkindness – Amen.”

Love Never Fails – Love Always Forgives. . .

*For more information on Ken Unger, Transformational Healing or 

to order his book The Ultimate Breakthrough, visit his website at www.TransformationIncorporated.com

I Call You. . . Friend

A Personal Letter from Jesus to Each of Us

Dear Friends,

I remember early on in my Journey, back in 1992, I heard a most touching song on the radio. The words from this particular song really spoke to my heart. Almost immediately, I went to a Christian bookstore and bought the tape. This was back when they only made cassettes. Remember those tapes that would all too often get "stuck"?

Anyhow, in 2008 I attended a concert at a Temple (Church) on the east-side of Cleveland. And who was the performing artist? None other than Marty Goetz - the man who had written and recorded "the song." After performing a number of his many well-known songs, Marty asked 

the audience for "requests." As I stood in the back of the Temple, I raised my hand and wouldn't you have known - Marty saw and acknowledged me, first. Now I don't intend to sound too selfish, but at that moment, I felt like 

I was the only one there in that Messianic Jewish Temple. I felt like God had brought me there for a reason, just to speak to ME, or perhaps to 

my Heart - once again.

The song and the words were coming back to me, and this time they were becoming even a little more personal. This time it was LIVE right there on the stage in front of me (or perhaps really "Alive" in me). In sharing the following, my hope is that you too will hear what Christ is saying to each of us through these heart-felt words. As I re-read the words to this song, I thought of it as being like A Personal Letter from Jesus to Each of Us - 

and that it was signed:

In My Love - Everlasting,

  Jesus (Yeshua)

I Call You Friend

(The Book of John - Chapters 14 & 15)

Words and Music By Marty Goetz  ©1992 Singin’ in the Reign Music/ASCAP

I Call You Friend, that’s what you are

All that I do, I share with you

I have no secrets, I have no need

To keep them to myself, for I tell you to the end

I Call You My Friend

You call me Master, and so I am

All that I do, you will do too.

Secret’s I’ll whisper, and what you hear

You’ll shout aloud out to a world that’s near it’s end

I Call You My Friend

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you

Truly I say to you, you’ll have tribulation

But have no fear dear one, be of good cheer

Truly I have overcome, you too will overcome

So, come my friend

I know who you are

Before you were I knew of you

You’ve so many secrets,

you’ve so many needs

Don’t keep them to yourself, no one to help you in the end.

Just call my name, I’m always the same

I search for all who will claim the love I send

So I can call them friend

Say, can I call you my friend?

Yes, I Call You My Friend. . .

For More Information on Marty Goetz, His Music and Ministry go to  

www.martygoetz.com

Time Doesn't Heal

"Time (alone) actually wounds the Healing Process"

An Introduction to the Book 

“The Ultimate Breakthrough”

   

(By Ken Unger - Copyright 2008   www.transformationincorporated.com)

Time does not heal all wounds. It really doesn't heal any – that is an illusion. “Time [alone - rd] actually wounds the Healing process.” As time progresses, the perception of pain merely subsides. New experiences merely displace our harmful memories, driving them deeper into the subconscious, the basement of the soul, where they lurk to ambush, to corrupt, to undermine us [and our future relationships with others – rd], 

yet again. Unless our deepest wounds are truly healed, until the core hurts are appropriately resolved, these hidden denizens of emotional darkness return at the worst possible moments.

These hurts may come from many sources, from outright abuse to 

“mere” neglect. A woman could have been molested, physically abused 

or emotionally battered. But she also could have had none of those things happen. She may have lived in a beautiful home and had plenty to eat 

but been starved for affection. Many bulimics can tell you that sad tale. Perhaps Mommy and Daddy were so busy working they never had time 

to play, or read to her, or even say I love you.

I was physically and emotionally wounded during childhood. My father 

was a rageaholic. He was angry at his life and he often took it out on me. Other people I know have never heard their parents say, “I love you.” While neglect is far subtler than abuse, that is exactly what makes it so difficult. It is equally damaging and harder to see. Denial is a greater temptation.

Our wounds don’t have to be parental. Siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles, schoolmates, teachers, preachers and neighbors could have harmed us. But wherever our hurts come from, they complicate, inhibit and plunder our lives, sabotaging our well-being and even possibly destroying our health.

Unhealed pain can fuel alcohol abuse, overeating, codependency, work addiction, perfectionism and other compulsions. It can cause our feelings and our bodies to drive us, instead of us them. It pollutes the very things we care about most: our loved ones, our work, our friendships, even our health and prosperity. Unhealed emotional wounds and pain are the invisible enemy that causes most of our suffering and failures in life. I know, because they have done all that and more to me.

One of my all time favorite opening sentences in a book was from M. Scott Peck’s, The Road Less Traveled. He said something like this: “Life is difficult. But once we accept that fact that life is difficult, life becomes much less difficult.” While this is true, life does not have to be as difficult as we make it. Much of life’s struggle is fueled by past hurts that cause us to unwittingly complicate out life. But if our life is to change, we must find the courage to examine it. The unexamined life is, at best, disappointing.

Though many want us to think otherwise, our past is extremely important. Who we are today is largely a result of who we were yesterday and how we handled our problems and hurts. But there is nothing that has damaged us that cannot be undone. There is gold in our most sinister shadows, silver linings to our most menacing inner clouds. Even our worst tragedies, properly resolved, can make us immeasurably better instead of bitter, more whole rather than further fractured, happier instead of more miserable. Indeed, the very things that weakened us can bestow upon us new strength, power and vitality. There are countless examples of people who overcame unbearable odds to make their lives successful and beautiful. You can do that as well.

Nothing will help you more than healing the pain that holds you back. It can do more for your future happiness than anything else you can do. I know. For over twenty-five years, it has done this for me and for thousands of my clients, friends, parishioners, and those who attended my seminars and retreats.

Frankly, if you don't believe in God, this approach won't help you. Only God can heal our broken hearts. Only He can free us from stubborn bondage to self-destructive patterns. I make no apologies for advocating what God alone can do for you.

Ken Unger  (www.TransformationIncorporated)

A final thought from R Butch David:

Granted, if we are willing to “get surgery” for our past emotional wounds, then something referred to as “Redemptive Time” is necessary for our complete healing to occur, and that too, is a process. It’s like taking the necessary time to heal after we’ve had heart surgery. Without the surgery, our damaged heart condition will only get worse. With the necessary surgery, our heart condition will improve over time and we’ll begin to heal. “Christ (alone) came to HEAL the brokenhearted.”
(Isaiah 61:1 and Luke 4:18)

Talking About Problems. . .

"WHAT - You talkin' to Me ???"

(By R Butch David)

Recently, I came across another relationship website, so I'm checking it out (lots of stuff there). And of course, like in most sources, there's the usual sorting out of the "Meat and Bones".

I remember early on when a good friend first started helping me to see some things about myself and my relationships. With a lot of practice,
I eventually began to think of problems that I was experiencing in a relationship as being "opportunities,"  and not so much as being "obstacles." It was a lot more about learning how to Love and Forgive, than it was about who was to blame for hurting me or letting me down. Healthy communication was something I had to learn - and I'm still learning. Still, problems and hurts are going to occur in every relationship - that's all part of "none of us being perfect." I agree with what my friend showed me. It's a far more relationally-healthy approach to tell someone, "When you did this, or said that - I felt . . . (such and such)" 

But then again, if you could "care less" about the person whom you feel offended you (and you have decidedly "written them off"), and you have no ability or willingness to Forgive, than it's probably in your own best interest to "blast them" and condemn them to hell. Of course, when that is our (wounded) choice, as one would say. . . "Let me know how that works out for you?"  Bitterness, resentment, anger and unforgiveness usually does far more harm to the person who carries it, than it does to the person whom it is directed toward.

Enclosed below is a short article, from a website, which has to do with communicating about problems in relationships. It can be found at: http://www.truthaboutdeception.com (found under Relationship Issues).

Remember. . . LNF - LAF (Love Never Fails - Love Always Forgives).

What is the BEST WAY to
Talk About Problems?

When problems arise in a relationship, couples are often told they need to "communicate" - or talk to each other.

In many cases, however, couples do not know how to talk about problems and communication only makes the situation worse.

For the most part, there are two basic ways talking about problems: Direct Accusation versus Problem Identification (described below). Unfortunately, most couples use Direct Accusation rather than Problem Identification when trying to resolve conflict.

The idea that Problem Identification is a better way of solving problems draws upon Gibb's work on defensive communication and Cupach and Canary's work on conflict management. Cupach and Canary's book is a great resource for dealing with conflict management.

Direct Accusation 

(Focus on Partner’s Behavior)

When upset or angry, many people confront their spouses by focusing on their partner’s behavior. These accusations can be made directly “I am upset because you…” or even in the form of a question “Why did you…?”

The motivation behind making such accusations is typically to change a spouse’s or partner’s behavior. People believe that if 

they get upset and point out their partner’s mistakes, things will change. This rarely works.

If you accuse a partner of wrongdoing, partners typically:

• get defensive – fight back or withdraw (stop listening)

• offer an (insincere) apology designed to stop your attack

• hide and conceal similar behavior in the future

The long term outcome of directly confronting a partner is:

• increased distance

• less understanding and greater dissatisfaction

• the lack of a genuine resolution

• increased future conflict

  

A more effective approach involves focusing on one’s feelings, and NOT on a partner’s behavior.

Problem Identification 

(Focus on One’s Feelings)

A better way to resolve relationship problems involves focusing on one’s feelings, rather than blaming a partner for what happened (even if [you feel - rd] your partner deserves blame).

It is easier for a partner or spouse to hear what you have to say when 

you focus on your own feelings and not dwell on his or her mistakes. For example, if your spouse has a habit of coming home late – rather than make a direct accusation – “I hate when you're so late – why do you do that?” – it helps if you can focus on your feelings instead “I am feeling sad and a little frustrated. I sometimes feel lonely when you are not home.”

When trying to discuss a problem - it's important not to assign blame. Even saying something as simple as "It makes me feel uncomfortable..." can come across as an accusation - leading to a defensive response. Phrasing a concern as "I feel..." rather than
"It makes..." is a more effective way of solving problems.

Your motivation for dealing with problems this way should be to get 

your partner to hear what you have to say. If you can get your partner to understand your point of view, you are much more likely to create a meaningful and lasting resolution.

By focusing on your feelings instead of your spouse’s behavior, partners are more likely to:

• listen to what you have to say

• empathize with your position

• discuss the problem in a constructive manner

And there are many benefits of approaching relationship problems with this way:

• increased closeness, satisfaction and understanding

• greater potential for resolution and change

• less future conflict

Simply put, directly confronting a partner often leads to greater resistance, more conflict and deception. Of course, it is easier to get angry and make accusations, but doing so rarely leads positive, long term outcomes.