Seeking The Ideal Partner. . .

Why Finding a “Good Christian” Just isn’t Enough

First, some lyrics from the song Man In The Mirror (Michael Jackson).

I'm starting with the man in the mirror,
I'm asking him to change his ways.
No message could have been any clearer –
If you wanna make the world a better place,
   Take a look at yourself and then make the change. . .

You gotta get it right, while you got the time –
'Cause when you close your heart,
then you close your. . . mind!

I recall a conversation with some close friends a few years ago. At the time, I was going through the breakup of an 18-year relationship. My friends had gone through similar painful experiences in their lives, as well. I think it’s good to share our past hurts with others who truly care, provided it involves self-examination and forgiveness.

I’ve experienced that often when people talk about their past relationships, it’s usually (but not always) quite negative. Typically, there’s a lot of the “she did this” or “he did that” (the “blame game”) kind of stuff being shared. However, as one relationship coach said, “If the person you’re interested in is only able to share the negative things about their ex-partner, you might want to think twice about getting seriously involved.” Still, there are the unique exceptions in which some people are able to stop "the finger-pointing” and start “looking in the mirror.” I feel it’s in these rare cases that personal growth and healing can occur.

As our conversation continued, the subject of finding “The Ideal Partner” came up. Granted, we all have our personal preferences as to what the ideal partner might be like – inside and out. As we shared our thoughts and feelings, the subject of “Christianity” also came into the conversation. I listened as the focus began to shift toward the other person’s faith. The shared thought was, “Well you know, if we could ONLY find a ‘Good Christian’ (woman or man) to marry.”  

After listening a bit longer, I spoke up and said, “WAIT A MINUTE – weren’t all of us involved in divorces with people who feel they're ‘Good Christians’ just like us? You know, I think I've learned that having a good, healthy, loving, committed and lasting relationship involves a lot more than just finding a ‘Good Christian.' Maybe it’s going to involve us getting Healing for our past hurts so that we can LEARN how to Forgive and Love, unconditionally.” And, given the rather high divorce rate among “Believers” – well, a majority of my friends are “Good Christians” and many of us have experienced divorce, even more than once. And yes, “God does hate Divorce” – but, He still Loves those of us who go through it. . . unconditionally.

In continuing, I made the point that unless we’re willing to look deeply within ourselves, at our own unhealed wounds and shortcomings, there's a likely chance we could find ourselves in similar unhealthy, unloving, unforgiving and hurtful relationships in the future. It’s really kind of like, “wherever you go (and whomever you’re with) – there YOU are.”

Think about it? Often, our initial emotional attraction to another person involves the similarity of our wounds. It's like, "WOW, that happened to you – well, that happened to me, too." Our hearts meet at the place of woundedness. And, if those wounds haven't been treated so they could heal, it’s often a "painful bloody mess" in the making. It can take a matter of weeks, months or even many long years. Eventually, "the pain and infection from our unhealed hurts comes to the surface," and often upon those whom we've vowed to Love.  

Some psychologists say, “Subconsciously (deep within our hearts), we’re looking to 'relive our past unhealed hurts' in choosing our partners – secretly hoping that somehow, we can rearrange the past negative outcome. Unfortunately and all too often, we just wind up ‘reliving’ the past hurt, making the 'original wound' EVEN WORSE."

Personally, I think the concept of "Pay it Forward" is a just GREAT, but not when it involves "OUR PAIN." Maybe that’s one way of considering what God is talking about in saying, “The sins (hurts) are passed on.” Now, Christ identifies with our wounds and pain, but He never "pays them forward." Instead, “He came to Heal.” (*Isaiah 61:1 & Luke 4:18 KJV). Without His Healing for our past hurts, it's likely that we will "Pain it Forward" to our next "Ideal Partner.”

By Grace, I found that I needed Healing for my own past hurts so that I wouldn’t carry them forward – I needed to be "Set Free." I’ve come to experience that it’s those very (often hidden) “past hurts,” which most of us still carry, that Christ wants to Heal – IF we are willing. Needless to say, my friends and I concluded that having a shared faith in Christ is important, but that being a “Good Christian” (in our own minds) just isn’t enough. Maybe finding someone who's on a similar "Healing Journey" (or who desires that kind of Healing) is equally important? Each of has to be willing to “do the work,” within ourselves. In reality, none of us can “rescue” anyone else. Yes, we can help others in “their Journey,” but we can't heal them – Christ, alone, has that Power.

So, perhaps the true measure of our being a “Good Christian” isn’t about our particular denomination, church attendance, how much we give, how well or often we pray, how loud we sing, or how many Bible verses we’ve memorized. Rather, it’s in our learning how to love, the way God loves us.
 

I believe (and have experienced) that without our willingness to "forgive from the heart" as Jesus taught, we'll have no capacity to Truly Love. It would seem that in every lasting relationship, True Love (sooner or later) will require Heartfelt Forgiveness. God is quite good at that – for us, it may take a little work and practice. I admit that it has for me. 

As I recently shared with a close friend, “The less forgiveness we have toward those who have hurt us in our past relationships, the less likely we’ll be able to express any appreciation for who they were in our lives and what they gave to us – even when they were doing their ‘crummy best’, just like we were.” And, the less willing we are to forgive those in our past relationships, the more likely we’ll be unable to forgive others in our future. The baggage and pain of unforgiveness always seems to follow us forward – that is, until we’re ready and willing to deal with it.

Maybe our prayers need to change from, “Lord, make me a better Christian” to “Lord, show me the ‘man (or woman) in the mirror’. Heal me through Your Forgiveness and teach me how to Love, unconditionally.” Perhaps if we get a “good look in the mirror,” we’ll all be fighting for “a seat in the back of the Temple. . .” It would seem that God will justify (heal) us ONLY when we “get real” about ourselves and where we stand with Christ, regarding the issue of Heartfelt Forgiveness. As Ken Unger once said, “God hears the prayers of desperate people.”

And within ourselves, well, sometimes we just don't have the power to change. But, perhaps we can decide to come to God and simply pray: "Father, You know everything about me – the good and the bad, and yet You still Love me. Lord, I'm asking YOU to Heal me and change me. Help me to Forgive and teach me how to Love, because I just can't do this by myself. I ask this Lord, in Jesus name. Amen."

 

Here's a Beautiful Song about. . . Humility. Maybe, "Give it a Think?" 

 

Search me Lord and know my [broken] heart.
Test me in my anxious thoughts.
See if there are any offensive [hurtful] ways within me
and lead me in Your Way everlasting. (King David)

*The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because He has anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty (free) them that are bruised, to preach the acceptable year of the Lord.(Jesus from the Book of Luke 4:18 (NKJV) 

May this be the "Acceptable Year" that your Healing Journey begins. . .

R Butch David

The School of Life. . . "One on One"

Achieving Straight-A’s in “Relationships-101”

Sharing an Article by Carol McCall 

Perhaps at times, our close, personal and intimate relationships are
like mirrors to some degree. That is, there can be a reflection of each of us, coming from our partners. When problems or disagreements occur,
it can be hard to see those situations in a positive light. But maybe, it’s during those occasions that we have the best opportunities to learn. . .
even how to Love one another, unconditionally. 

I feel God often allows us to experience certain things in our relationships to teach us – primarily about ourselves, and not so much about the other person. According to Scripture (Isaiah 58:9), God appears to have a REAL PROBLEM when we engage in finger-pointing (“The Blame Game"). Unfortunately, most all of us have done that. So, the greatest question
I now often ask is, "Lord, what is it You’re trying to teach ME here, what is it You want me to learn. . . about ME?"

Maybe that question could also be summed-up by asking, "Why do
I do, what I do?" I've often found that it was my past unhealed hurts
(and parental blueprints) that were "driving me” to do things – even to
have the kinds of relationships that I willingly engaged in. Some of those relationships weren't all that "healthy" to begin with. And more often than not, I was bringing some "rather unhealthy stuff" (baggage, attitudes, ways of communicating and unrealistic expectations) into that relationship, as well. In reality, all of us are going to do – what we want to do. And sometimes, it appears that no one can tell us otherwise. It's something we have to figure out and learn for ourselves – God gives all of us a “free-will.”

Having a "Healthy and Healing Relationship" with someone takes a lot
of work. Both people have to be willing and able to "do the work." Most relationships, especially emotionally intimate ones, are kind of like a "Dance Contest." And I've experienced that, sometimes, we and/or our partners just can't dance all that well – or maybe, we (or they) just don't want to, at least not with that particular person. In that case, the dance
is over. . . or so it would often seem.

I've come to really appreciate what God says (asks): "Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?" (Amos 3:3) In reality, I feel that He
is telling us, "Two people CANNOT walk together, UNLESS they ARE in agreement." So, when either person decides that they don't want to "do this dance” (walk together in a relationship). . . well, then I guess I’ll have to accept that reality, along with any disappointment. Hopefully, I can do that without any bitterness, resentment, anger, hostility or vengeance
(in mind). It's usually at that point that I'm asking God for His perspective, understanding, healing, forgiveness (for myself and the other person) and to show me His Way. Ideally, we can't lose anybody because, in Truth,
we don't own anyone in the first place – right? Perhaps, I might have been better off asking for some Wisdom, insight and perspective, in regards to that relationship, from the get-go? Or, did my apparent needs and/or desires (at the time) dictate my actions? 

When I take the time to look at my past (and current) relationships, I often find myself "wishing" that I would’ve done (or said) some things differently. It’s like in the movie What About Bob?, starring Bill Murray. Bob had been trying desperately to get a hold of Dr. Marvin (played by Richard Dreyfuss). But because Dr. Marvin was on vacation and unavailable, Bob decides to "recruit" a hooker to call Dr. Marvin and pretend that she's Dr. Marvin's sister. When the call goes through and Dr. Marvin answers, Bob gets on the line and the resulting "cut-off" by Dr. Marvin, because of the deceit involved, was rather predictable. Bob, realizing his foolishness in trying to get his way, then says, “Oh gosh – that was not smart!”  

Yes, regret is often inevitable. Still, those are the times that I ask God about what it is He wants me to learn. The focus is often on relational areas that I need to improve in. Some of those areas involve how well
I communicate with and relate to others, how I respond, how I initiate, how well I listen (truly hear), how well I acknowledge and validate others and, ultimately, how well I Love unconditionally and without expectations. Also, when people hurt me – even how well I’m able and/or are willing to Forgive from the Heart.  

I've often found that it was in my "expectations" of others that I would usually get let down the most. As a close friend says, "Our expectations of others will often cause us pain and suffering – and sometimes we just haven't 'suffered enough'. . . and we have to go through that." For me, learning how to "place my expectations upon God" has been, and will continue to be, a BIG PART of my Healing Journey. I also really like that saying, "Be patient with me, 'cause God's not done with me, just yet." 

Maybe our relationships are like “classes” and we’re really all enrolled in “The School of Life.” Before we can graduate from school, we have to take various classes (courses) and get a passing grade. And, perhaps those classes involve our personal (intimate) relationships. To me, that makes sense because God sent us His Son primarily to teach us about "relationships." What I've personally experienced is this – if I don't "learn a particular lesson" (very well), it would seem that I’ll have to take that class over and go through it again – this time with a different person, until ideally, I pass that class and learn what it is that I’m supposed to learn. And once again. . . it’s usually NOT about the “other person.” 

Most of us know the saying, “Practice make Perfect.” However, I recall my son sharing with me (at age ten) what his bowling instructor once told him. . . “Practice makes Permanent.” It would seem that if we’re not willing to “look at our own stuff” (and deal with it), then perhaps the same mistakes that we make over and over, start to seem a bit permanent – until we’re willing to learn how to do some things differently. . . especially when it comes to our personal relationships.

I think that's how we learn and, maybe, that's part of the Transformation that we have to go through, if we’re willing. I get the sense that God is rather serious about us being conformed (transformed) into the "Image and Likeness" of His Son. And truly, without Unconditional Love and Heartfelt Forgiveness, we'll never get there – at least not any time soon. So in His Love, God will keep bringing up the same heart-matters and personal issues, and He’ll often use our relationships with others to do so. And,
I truly believe that God wants His very best for each of us.

 

Sometimes, it's during the difficulties and pain we experience that we're actually able to grow and learn the most. Now hopefully, there's some Healing of our past and current hurts taking place, as well. I've learned
and experienced that the "Healing" won't happen without our willingness
to “Forgive from the Heart,” which is what Jesus taught. And, that’s something we need Him to help us with. He knows what it's like to be rejected, abandoned, lied to, manipulated, scoffed at, beaten, bruised 

and broken – and yet He Forgives, completely. That's why we need Him – He can (and does) identify with ALL of our wounds. I feel I also need Him to teach me about how to have loving relationships – to do them “right.” Maybe, I’m just starting to understand that saying, “When the student
is willing. . . The Teacher is ready.”

 
Following, is an article I found on having successful relationships. The article was written by a woman, primarily for women. However, I feel
these are things that should be expressed in EVERY relationship and, ideally, they should go both ways – from men to women, as well. Granted, there are many more relational aspects involved in having a happy, healthy, committed and lasting relationship, but I also think this
is a great place to start. And truly, I want to get this stuff down – so that eventually I’ll pass this “Relationship Class” and be able to graduate. . . maybe even with a close, personal, intimate partner and friend.

Here's a short music-video that I hope you'll enjoy, and following is an article that relates to having "Healthy and Healing Relationships" with one another. I hope you'll take the time to watch, listen, read and learn. After all, Life IS a Journey. . .

R Butch David 

The Three A’s For A Successful Relationship

(By Carol McCall Ph. D., M.C.C.*)

What are the 3-A’s For A Successful Relationship?

 

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT  –  APPRECIATION  –  ACCEPTANCE

The 3-A’s work particularly well when done consistently (daily) in all cases, between partners. This article addresses the relationship between women and men. While the 3-A’s apply equally as well to men relating to women, the focus of this article relates to the program, The Possibility of Woman (POW).

1 – ACKNOWLEDGEMENT: Recognition of the existence
     or the truth of something. 

Many women neglect to say “Thank You” for the numerous things that
the men in their lives do for them. Whether he’s a life partner, son, father, brother or male relative, men enjoy being acknowledged for thoughtfulness. It’s important to acknowledge the actions taken by men to support any activity that women are engaged in. A simple “Thank You,” given consistently, goes a long way!

According to Dr. David Wexler, founder of The Relationship Training Institute in San Diego, California, “Women don’t realize how much power they have in men’s lives. Many women don’t understand how their level of approval or disapproval, their look of love or disgust can deeply affect a man’s sense of well-being, connection and value.”
A “thank you for your thoughtfulness” can increase and strengthen the value men are looking for in relationships.

2 – APPRECIATION: An expression of admiration or approval;
     an increase in value.

Women often fall into criticizing a man’s effort by telling him he’s not
doing enough and/or ignoring what he does do. After hearing this criticism over a period of time, he will stop doing much of anything. Dr. Wexler calls this a “buzz kill” (a turn-off, discouragement) that prevents the man from becoming the man a woman wants him to be. Pay attention to the things that he does “right” and give him feedback. Say “I really appreciate how you helped me at dinner tonight” or “I appreciate how you spoke to the children about their school work.” Appreciation increases a man’s self-esteem (value).

3 – ACCEPTANCE: A recognition, respect either expressly
     or by conduct to an act or offer.

First, let the men in women’s lives KNOW what’s important to them
(the women). This is NOT asking “permission” – as in “daddy-may-I,”
it’s giving information. The information is to be clear, honest, brief
(no stories/no past histories) and non-defensive.

Second, keep it simple. Explain what about the topic or situation is important – without drama, and what it means to women when men’s actions are consistent with what has been requested. Don’t “expect men to mind-read.” Many women fall into the lazy habit of thinking “well if he loved me, he’d read my mind.” Men need to be accepted for what they do and who they are 99.9% of the time. When women want men to listen without solving their problems, then “ask” them to “listen for 5 minutes” without interruption. . . and make sure they agree to the request BEFORE talking. STOP!!! after five minutes and then let them know it’s time to “accept” feedback, comments and/or input. By the way (in this context) acceptance DOES NOT mean agreement. In this context it means recognition and respect for another perspective. Accept what is said and let the men know their perspectives will be considered when choosing the best solution to a situation.

Third, make it worth his while! When a man is asked to be more romantic and he tells a woman she looks great in a particular outfit – ACCEPT what he says by giving a positive response! Give them the information on “how to” relate to women (men are comfortable with operating instructions) and then acknowledge, appreciate and accept them on becoming “experts” on the “guidelines” that have been provided to them.

*Carol McCall, Ph.D., M.C.C. (Master Certified Coach) is a Social Psychologist with over 40+ yrs of outstanding experience as an entrepreneur, business executive, educator, author and therapist. She
has reached over two million people through her workshops, articles, TV appearances, corporate clients and performance coaching practice.
http://www.listeningprofitsu.com/

    

The Dixie-Cup Test. . .

It’s All About Hurts & Rugs – Specks & Logs*

(By Copan & David)

*CAUTION: The following article contains some direct quotes,
in the words and language used, which may be viewed as
"harsh and innappropriate" by some readers. However, to quote (paraphrase) author Larry Crabb from his book Shattered Dreams, "Often, some people in the church are more concerned
with the language that others use, rather than the
heartfelt feelings and pain which are being expressed. . .
and that is most unfortunate."

My friend called the other morning with a request. After a meeting he had with another friend, he asked me to send him a copy of the article I wrote called, The Dixie-Cup Test. He said he had told his friend about it and the other guy “cracked up laughing and thought it was great.” Well, as Forrest Gump would say, “Now, I don’t know much about that.” Unfortunately, at that time, I never wrote the article. It was just something we had talked about, more than once, after a get-together we had attended nearly a
year earlier.

At that time, another close friend was stating their case against someone who had hurt them – and rightfully so. They had been hurt real badly, over and over. I think we’ve all experienced that at one time or another. Still,
it was during that get-together where the subject of “wrongs and hurts”
(sins) came up. So here goes, as I attempt to share our thoughts on
The Dixie-Cup Test. . . It's All About Hurts & Rugs – Specks & Logs. But first, let me share some lyrics from a song called Sanctify Me.

I was talking to God about you,
and He showed me the STICK in my eye.

I was hoping to criticize you,
but His Truth made me realize. . .

It’s not you who’s the problem, it’s me –
I’m as blind as a fool could be.

When I think of all I have to give,
it’s like dirty rags, Lord, let me live.

Oh Lord, Sanctify Me –
Make me clean and let me see.

Oh Lord, will You Sanctify Me –
And make me all You want me to be.

Hurts & Rugs

I think every one of us has experienced “the Formula” in our lives – HPx2 (Hurt People, hurt people). Most of the time, we’re not hurting others and they are not hurting us, intentionally. But unfortunately, the hurts (wounds) still happen in relationships. I think that’s because learning how to Love unconditionally, like learning how to Forgive (from the heart), is a process – it’s all part of the Journey for each of us. . . IF we're willing?

I think rugs are great for bare floors, but rugs really aren't so great for bare hearts. Love, in most relationships, usually involves some degree of transparency, vulnerability and trust, among other things. Often, but not always, the more “In Love” we are with someone, the more willing and
able we are to bare our hearts and souls to that person – that is to say, our personal Joys and Aches. Unfortunately, I think most of my past relationships also came with rugs. In so much, I would often look past a particular offense (hurt) that I received from someone. It would appear that the more I loved someone, the more I was (seemingly) willing to “just let
it go.” After all, “Love covers a multitude of sins (hurts),” right? In my hidden pride, maybe I pretended I was a “bigger or better person” than that, rather then tell them how I really felt. Maybe in my imagination, I pretended that the offense of what someone said or did, or perhaps didn’t say or do, really didn’t bother me. In that relationship, I just swept it (the hurt) under the rug. Let’s just keep everything nice and clean, and move on – Oh really?

But in a deeper reality, those hurts DID BOTHER ME. I think that in some hidden place in my wounded and broken heart, I felt I had tucked that hurt away – perhaps maybe in one of the cracks. Unfortunately, I found out later that I was silently “keeping score.” Over time, I came to acknowledge that “If Love keeps no record of wrongs, then why do I have a score SO STEEP?” After many years of sweeping all the “little hurts” under the rug, I think the lump became so big that one day I tripped over it – and broke my neck, or maybe it was my back, or maybe it was just my heart that was broken. I think the same thing happens to others. It would seem that the “sun went down on my (our) anger” regarding those hurts, over and over – for many years.

The hurts in that relationship eventually added up and the infection from those wounds kept growing. My inability to deal with hurtful issues in a healthy and healing way, as they occurred, didn’t help. My “niceness” in not wanting (or being able) to express my feelings, as the offense took place, was actually quite contrary to what Jesus instructs. He says,
“If your brother (or sister) offends (hurts) you, go and TELL THEM.”

I had to learn how to do that – without being condemning or judgmental. I had to learn how to share with someone about what they did or said, and how I felt as a result. I also had to learn how to validate and acknowledge them when I had done something hurtful, so as not to deny their feelings. Granted, the other person also has to be willing to work through the issues (hurts) as they happen, as well. Relationships are often like a dance contest and I’ve learned it does “Take two to Tango” if you’re going to “Win the Prize”.

But sometimes, I’ve experienced the offense may have happened so quickly that I didn’t have time, at that moment, to address what took place. Nor, was I able to truly identify and understand my own feelings and share with someone, why I felt hurt. I’ve been learning
to take “the hurt” to the Lord when that happens.

Specks & Logs

When things aren’t going well in relationships, it’s often quite common for one or both partners to engage in "The Blame Game." Personally, I do believe in the “pointing the finger”. . . I’ve just learned to do that in front of
a mirror, before I ever do it in front of a window. You see, there’s something about “first removing the log from your own eye, so that you can see clearly how to remove the speck from someone else’s. . .” Strange thing is though, about specks and logs. It would seem that often when
I brought something to God, as a complaint against someone else,
He would show me that I was guilty of the same thing, or worse.

I’d thought, “they weren’t there for me” – and truly, neither was I there
for them. I thought, “they just aren’t treating me fairly or with love and kindness” – and neither was I treating them, likewise. I felt “unappreciated in my efforts” – and in reality, I’d been most unappreciative of their efforts for me. I felt “judged and condemned” – but maybe, I had been judgmental and condemning of them, as well. And, I'm sure I had thoughts like,
“I would never. . .” – but in fact I had, and did. I could go on, but I think
you get the point. Needless to say, I don’t think any of us really has a handle on how to Forgive, “Seventy Times Seven” when someone has hurt us, especially more than once.

There are lots of hurts (trespasses) that each of us has experienced
from those who claim to love us. Hurts like adultery, murder (even if it’s only in our minds), stealing, lying, cheating, selfishness, unfairness, unappreciation, invalidation, jealousy, bitterness, quarreling, resentment, judgment, condemnation, being taken for granted or advantage of, and even a genuine lack of heartfelt concern, and let’s not forget – a lack of forgiveness, from the heart. Those are just some of the hurts we’ve each experienced and often unintentionally, have put upon others whom we
are supposed to love, as well. Yes, maybe those are the very things we’re holding against someone else, that we’re actually guilty of ourselves. You know, it’s the “Speck and the Log” thing. I really wonder where all of those hurts (sins) line up with Christ, in terms of which one is the worst? Surely, adultery and murder have to be at the top of the “worst sins” list. Oh, and how about the sin of “My shit don’t stink”? I wonder where that one falls in Christ’s list of “bad to worst sins.”

The Dixie-Cup Test

How about if each one of us, who is finding fault with someone else, takes a crap in a little Dixie-Cup and sets it up on a shelf to be examined. In fact, maybe we should all do that. And, I wonder “who’s cup” wouldn’t stink? I believe what Jesus said – “Why do you judge (and find fault with) your neighbor when you, too, are guilty of the same things?” “Do NOT judge, as for how you judge another, you too shall be judged.” Wow! – I came to see that I had so much crap (woundedness) in my own heart, that a Dixie-Cup probably wouldn’t hold it all. And, those wounds were coming out in all sorts of, let's say, less than loving ways.
It didn't happen all the time, but when it did. . . Watch out, that's all. 

Ideally, I believe that’s where Christ comes in – to help clean up our crap. That is to say, “to Heal our broken hearts (wounds).” Sometimes we have to be blinded, before we can truly see. By Grace, I do know what that’s like. Fortunately, Jesus also said that He came “to restore sight to the blind” – like me. Still, it’s a Journey for each of us who, indeed, want to follow. . . and for those of us who truly “want to get well” (be Healed).

I’ve come to the place of wanting to have more honesty and openness in all my relationships. Since being on my Healing Journey, I’ve been blessed with others who, like me, are learning HOW to address the hurts as they happen. We’re also learning how to share our feelings with others, without judgment or condemnation.

It’s become an unwritten rule in many of these relationships. . . like an agreed “healthy understanding.” That is, whenever any of us does or says something that hurts or offends another, we talk about it as
it happens – when that’s possible. It a difficult process to learn and practice, but it’s quite possible when two people are of the same mindset and heart (Spirit). One Heart Matters – and the sooner we recognize that True Love comes from the heart, the sooner we’ll all be FREE to Love each other unconditionally and to Forgive – the way Christ Loves and Forgives each of us.

P.S. I’m not sure that Forrest Gump would “crack up” and think any of this is all that funny. However, he did say, “I might not be a smart man, but I do know what Love is.” And without the willingness to Forgive, from the Heart, we will have no capacity to Truly Love.

*The Account of God and Two Men
(or Two Women, or a Man and a Woman – You get to choose. . .)

(Jesus, from the Book of Luke 18: 9-14)

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable:

"Two men (or women) went up to the Church to pray, one a Pharisee (a Good, Honorable, Religious, Holy, Proper and [self] Righteous Man) and the other a tax collector (someone who obviously “Had PROBLEMS” and who was a Sinner). The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men – robbers, evildoers, adulterers – or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give
a tenth of all I get.'

"But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a Sinner’.”

"I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

  

Healthy & Healing Relationships

It's an Agreement of the Hearts

(An Article by Copan & David) 
 
A friend and I were talking the other day about relationships – in particular, Healthy and Healing Relationships. While thinking about past relationships in my life, I recall that some of those weren’t all that healthy to begin with. Other relationships became less healthy over time. One thing for sure –
all relationships can benefit from some healing, both as they develop and surely, long before they ever might come to an end. Our conversation continued and the subject of reconciliation also arose. What does that word really mean in a relationship? Is there a “healthy and healing” part that needs to be included? Perhaps instead of asking the question about whether or not two people want to reconcile, the better question would be, “Do you want (desire) to have a healthy relationship with this person, and what is that going to involve?”  When asked, the answer to that question would most likely reveal the condition and attitude of one’s heart toward another person. 

I’ve been told, and I agree, that true reconciliation is a Heart-Matter. 
It’s about “An agreement of the hearts (of both people) as it relates to 
the ‘issues’ that caused the two people to become estranged in the first place.” Those issues are caused by: 1) the hurts that each person carried into the relationship from their own past, 2) the hurts that two people have put on each other, and 3) the hurts caused by others outside of that personal relationship that still have an impact upon those two people, individually or collectively. It sounds like a 3-Strikes and You're Out Formula for disaster.Yet, I sincerely believe that healthy relationships are possible, but not without each person involved being willing to do the work. More often than not, that work needs to be done within ourselves, first. 

Our individual hurts can often lead us down a path where we want to
blame someone else for a failing, unhappy or miserable relationship. But often, it's our own individual hurts, that is, the unhealed wounds and pain we carry in our own hearts, which is responsible for the lack of true Joy (the unhappiness we feel) in our lives. Yet, instead of seeking the healing for our own wounds, we often look past ourselves and instead, look for someone else as a source to provide the wholeness and happiness we lack. It's kind of like being diagnosed with a cancer and then asking the doctor if he has a large enough band-aid to fix it. Some wounds simply won't heal without surgery. 

I remember thinking, “I have issues with you and problems with our relationship.” Yet, as my healing journey progressed, I found that wasn’t the primary case at all. Surely, relationships will have issues and hurts that exist within and between two people. There’s no denying that. But,
I came to understand that, “I had issues within my own heart – things (hurts) that needed to be addressed and healed within myself.” I found that the issues and problems really weren't so much between me and the other person; they were about me, first. In time, all of us might come to that same understanding. Everyone who was ever born has, at one time or another, experienced a broken heart – that is, an emotional wounding to their soul. Some people have experienced that kind of wounding many, many times throughout their life. And as a result – Hurt People, hurt people (HPx2). I've found that a broken heart simply doesn't lend itself well to loving people unconditionally, nor does a broken leg lend itself to running very well. 

Our History Plays a Part. . .

Another thing that makes it difficult to have a healthy relationship 
is the history. The history of our current relationships can often provide, what seems to be, an insurmountable obstacle. In new relationships there literally is no history. The history gets written as the relationship develops. But unfortunately, everyone is bringing their own baggage (past hurts and unresolved issues) of personal history into every new relationship they have. And, that history includes all of the unhealed hurts from previous relationships in our lives that were never dealt with. Then, it’s really only a matter of time. One person says or does something that presses on “a previously unhealed hurt” and BOOM – it hurts all over again, if not even worse. Now the current relationship is affected, as well, from a past hurt. The real problem is that those wounds have been festering for a long time. They were never dealt with and healed – they were just pushed down or forgotten about. 

The history of two people can have some good things, too. They involve the sharing of positive things like quality time, intimacy, understanding, promises, hopes, dreams, plans and accomplishments – all that were given with the best of intentions, even in love. Often, as the history of a relationship develops, it can cause the good things to diminish and walls to go up. Walls goes up when unhealed and unresolved hurts come into that current relationship – even causing and allowing the “sun going down on our anger" (wounds), over and over. Those hurts can be from the current relationship, previous relationships and experiences, or both. Hurts cause walls to go up between two hearts that are supposed to be one. Walls are barriers to communication – they keep things in and they keep things out. Without open and healthy communication, conflict resolution and healing, there will truly be no relationship. 

The wall that goes up between two people will often be made of hardened stone. The stones used in that wall come from the wounds we receive 
and will be supported by a mortar (glue) which has ingredients (feelings) like anger, resentment, disappointment, bitterness, pain, hatred, fear, suspicion, despair, disgust, mistrust, unhappiness and sometimes even hopelessness. I am sure there are other negative feelings, as well. Those feelings often develop as a result of the hurt and pain which we carry in our hearts, because of the wounds we've received in our relationships. Walls are an indication of a hardened heart. And, it's a hardened heart that comes from a broken, wounded heart. Soft (healing) hearts don't break – they're pliable and they bend. 

The hurts we take on in our relationships have a history attached to them, along with the negative and unloving feelings that develop as a result. Left unchecked, unaccounted for, unresolved and unhealed, the trauma and infection from those hurts and wounds will be devastating, even to a relationship that started out with a “whole lotta love,” like most of our relationships do. The hurts we place upon others often aren’t intentional, but they still happen and we hurt others, just the same. And, as I think we’ve all experienced, it can hurt real badly. So, I've learned that the history of hurts within our relationships needs to be healed, as well.

A Healing Solution 

I've come to realize there is something else desperately needed to have Healthy and Healing Relationships – that is Forgiveness. I've learned that without forgiveness, the way Christ forgives us, we have no capacity to truly Love. Yet, we need to feel that forgiveness within and for ourselves, first, before we can even begin to forgive others. I know I had to. I've come to learn we simply can't give to others what we don't feel, or have, within ourselves. So maybe, the first relationship I need to work on is between myself and Someone who has the absolute Authority to Forgive and Heal.

Without my having a truly intimate relationship with Christ, I’ve come
to experience that most of my relationships would fail, sooner or later. I feel that’s part of what is meant when He says, “Without Me, you can do nothing.” I found that I really needed to start focusing on my own personal relationship with Him. I realized that I need to depend upon Him, rather than someone else, for my sense of wholeness and well-being. I've also realized that the main reason I didn't have many healthy relationships with people, is because my heart had been broken from all of the hurts I had taken on in my life. The healing of my wounded heart, which I badly needed, had to come from Someone who has the Power to Heal. It had 
to come from a Higher Place. 

Christ came to tear down walls, as the curtain in the Temple was torn.
He came to bridge the gap (brokenness) between each of us and God,
and also each other. He alone can "fill in the gaps," and even heal all of the broken places within our hearts. No escape, in any form, will do it (Heal us) – Time won’t do it. Keeping ourselves busy won’t do it.
A successful career, fame, fortune and money won't do it. Alcohol, drugs, sex or some other passion won't do it. Religion won't do it. New relationships and running away won't do it. And, our own minds definitely can't do it. It really is a "Heart-Matter." Christ is the Chief Surgeon who wants to heal our broken hearts – literally, and in reality, "He came to HEAL the brokenhearted." (Luke 4:18)* He also wants to heal our broken and wounded relationships. After all, if we're going to spend Eternity together, then maybe our desire should be in asking Him to heal these broken relationships while we're still here. It would be great practice for getting along later on, don't you think? 

A friend of mine seldom, if ever, uses the word "sin." He almost always refers to "sin" as "hurts." When I asked why he said, “That’s easy – because sin HURTS, doesn’t it?” Yes, it surely does – it hurts the person who carries it and the person it is placed upon. In effect, both the offended and the offender will suffer. I truly wish that people would be willing to ask (and answer) that better question: “Do you want to have
a Healthy and Healing Relationship with this person?”  

I believe that healthy relationships can happen and are definitely possible, even despite the history of hurts that are involved. An “Agreement of the Hearts” is where two people must first meet, in Christ. He alone is the provider of Healing and Peace within ourselves and in our relationships with others. Another friend shared that the “Unequally Yoked” part in the Bible is not just about whether or not both people are Believers. It’s about whether they have the same “Spirit of Agreement” with each other – that is, within and between their hearts. Perhaps the question of “Do you want to get well?” or in effect, “Do you want to be healthy?” not only pertains to the individual, but to our relationships with others also. 

*Luke 4:18  "The Spirit of the LORD is upon Me, Because He has anointed Me to preach the Gospel (Good News) to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty (freedom) to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty (free) those who are oppressed."

Making 'Love' a Verb. . .

It’s Really About Love in Action 

Sharing some thoughts from Andy Stanley on “Staying in Love”

I'm sure many of you have seen the movie, When Harry Met Sally, starring Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan. Until recently, I’d only seen parts
of the rather well-known comedy. It’s about two people who develop a relationship over several years. In their case, it took over ten years. During that time, each of them had other relationships which struggled and failed – some sooner, rather than later. As their own relationship grows, they share their past experiences and what they learned in the process. They openly talk about physical attraction, personality and compatibility issues, likes and dislikes, personal desires, shattered dreams, feelings and yes, even love. Their open communication, as friends without expectations, was one of the greatest strengths in the positive and healthy development of their own relationship. But most of life isn’t like the “movies”. . . or is it?

Despite our initial attraction to another person, it would seem that a heartfelt lasting relationship truly does develop over time. And regardless of the vows we’ve made, time will indeed test our hearts in the matter. I do believe what God says (asks), "Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?" (Amos 3:3) I’ve come to accept that “agreement” most certainly must involve Unconditional Love and Heartfelt Forgiveness, as Jesus taught. And, perhaps it also involves a willingness, desire and ability to continue to "dance” long after the music stops playing. Unfortunately as time goes on, our happiness with our partners can fade, as can our desire to keep on “dancing.” Quoting from the movie The Scent of a Woman, “Well, if you get all tangled up – just Tango on.” The question is: Did anyone ever teach us “how to tango” in the first place? Perhaps, a more appropriate question is: “Who taught us how to Love?”  Hmmm? 

Recently, Andy Stanley (son of Charles Stanley) did a video series called Staying in Love.* He made the point that all of us need to learn about “MakIng ‘Love’ a Verb.” That is to say, Love truly needs to take a position of action in our relationships IF they're going to endure. In effect, It’s Really About Love in Action. He also mentioned that verse from Proverbs 4:23 – “Above all else, PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR HEART, for EVERYTHING YOU DO comes from it.”

Following, are some of Andy Stanley’s personal thoughts on the matter: 

“Your ability to Stay in Love has as much to do with the condition of your heart, as it does with the behavior of your partner or spouse. . . The key to staying in love is not finding the right person. It's finding someone who is committed to becoming the right person while you work to become the right person. It's finding someone who is not afraid to put you first while you overcome your fear of putting him
or her first – It's about “Making Love a Verb” . . . To stay in love you have to choose to love each other the way that Christ loved us. In other words, you have to choose to treat the person you love as
the most important person in the world to you. . .  You have to be willing to put them first.

So, perhaps our relationships are like going on a trip, or even a rather long vacation. And, who doesn’t go on a trip or vacation without taking along some baggage. Unfortunately, but in reality, all of us are bringing baggage with us into every new relationship we have. As Andy stated, if we’ve been hurt (which all of us have been) and our hearts are wounded (broken), unhealed, perhaps hard and unforgiving (of those who have hurt us in our past), then those are the very things that will come from our hearts, eventually, in every relationship we’re in. Although the pain from our past unhealed hurts can be hidden for a while, especially in new relationships, the growing infection from our past hurts eventually comes to the surface – regardless of who we're with. It often seems that “Falling in Love” is easy and it would appear that "Falling OUT of Love" is, as well. Maybe the old saying that “Time will tell” really isn’t that far off from the truth. Staying in Love. . . well, I’ve found that’s going to take a little more than what I have to offer, on my own. It has to come from a Higher Place – even from the Heart and Mind of Christ.

Now most of us are familiar with 1Corinthians 13 – The Love Chapter. We’ve heard those verses preached in our churches and perhaps we’ve even recited them ourselves during our wedding vows. Maybe if we could
personalize and expand those verses into verb-oriented actions, they would go something like this. . .

Love means. . . I WILL be patient with you.

Love means. . . I WILL be kind to you.

Love means. . . I WILL NOT envy you.

Love means. . . I WILL NOT boast about myself to you.

Love means. . . I WILL NOT be proud (of who I think I am).

Love means. . . I WILL NOT be rude to you.

Love means. . . I WILL NOT be selfish in seeking my own ways.

Love means. . . I WILL NOT be easily angered at you.

Love means. . . I WILL NOT keep a record of wrongs
                        (even when you fail to live up to my expectations).

Love means. . . I WILL NOT delight in your downfalls
                        or shortcomings.

Love means. . . I WILL rejoice with the Truth
                        (because the Truth is – God IS Love).

Love means. . . I WILL protect you and guard our relationship.

Love means. . . I WILL always Trust in you and God’s plan
                        for our lives.

Love means. . . I WILL always Hope the best about you
                        and will not assume the worst.

Love means. . . I WILL always persevere with you and help
                        bear your burdens, just as Christ does for me.

Love means. . . Although I'm not perfect, my Love for you will
                        NEVER FAIL and I WILL NOT let the sun go down
                        on my anger or yours, when I’m aware of it.

Christ's Healing of our past hurts, in our willingness to “forgive from the heart,” plays a huge role in the transformation of our lives, and in our ability to have healthy and healing relationships with others. Christ’s Transformation isn’t about us returning to who we were or even "being all we can be.” It’s really about being transformed (made new) into who God intends for us to be. Truly, it’s in being transformed into His Likeness that we become able to Love with the Forgiving Heart of Jesus. 

Unfortunately, it often appears that in any given relationship, without Christ’s Transformation taking place in our individual hearts, the person we are in the end is likely to be the same person we were in the beginning – if not even worse. The “Good News” is, God isn’t done with any of us, just yet. He stands at the door of each of our hearts – knocking. In quoting some lyrics from a song by Paul McCartney:

Someone’s knocking at the door –
Somebody’s ringing the bell. . .

Do me a favor – open the door,
and let ‘em (Him) in.”

And Jesus says, to each of us, a couple of things. . . "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me." (The Book of Revelations 3:20), and "Abide (live) in Me, and I in you. . . If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you.” (The Book of John Chapter 15).

Perhaps we could all consider praying, “Lord, this is my greatest desire: Heal my broken and wounded heart, and transform (change) me. Teach me how to Love, the way You Love me – unconditionally.”

I believe that "Staying in Love" is quite possible and that it is attainable.
Here's a video which I hope that many of us may still desire to relate to:

And although our expectations of others may often fall short, Love (truly) Never Fails. Maybe, each of us needs to go to Christ to have Him show us exactly how that plays out in our personal relationships. I feel it’s only in truly knowing Christ – in our living with Him and allowing Him to live with us, that we’ll be able to follow His command which says, "These things
I command you, that you love one another.” (John 15:17)

Let’s ALL open the door to our hearts and invite in “The Christ who came to Heal the brokenhearted.” As we do, the future of our healthy, healing and lasting relationships is truly the prize.

R Butch David

* To view Andy Stanley’s 4-part video series called “Staying in Love,”
   just click on the following links (below) and then click on the
  "Play Arrow" on the page.

Staying in Love, Ep1 – Love Is a Verb
Is it possible for two people to fall in love and actually stay there?

 

Staying in Love, Ep2 – Re-Modeling
Falling in love comes naturally. Staying in love requires a plan.

Staying in Love, Ep3 – Feelin’ It
(What EACH PARTNER is bringing with them - a MUST SEE!)
Why do we really fall out of love?

Staying in Love, Ep4 – Multiple Choice Marriage
Relationships will grow or fade depending on what you choose.