Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch – Changes in Relationships

No. . . YOU Go First!

(Sharing an Article by Laura Schenck, M.A.)

Recently, I posted the following 1HeartMatters “Thought for the Day”
on Facebook which stated:

The inability to selflessly give yourself over to another person, is the ultimate relationship downfall. No matter how much you may try to ignore it, there's no escaping its fate. If you don't give your friend, your partner, power to change you, I don't think you love them, and your unconscious knows that. Your soul knows that. (Richard Rohr)

Now, although I often do agree with much of what author Richard Rohr shares in his articles, interviews and books, there are some things I don’t necessarily agree with. The reality of being human is that no one person is always right – nor are they always left. There is a sense of both “good and bad/right and wrong” in all of us. And that’s okay, because each and every one of us is. . . VALID.

In regards to the above quote, I feel the part about “If you don’t give
your friend/partner ‘power to change you’. . .” is really somewhat unrealistic and misleading (unless of course we’re speaking about our individual relationships with Jesus Christ). The relational reality is. . . if we’re thinking that it’s “our job or responsibility” to change another person – LET ME KNOW HOW THAT WORKS OUT FOR YOU. . . because truly, IT’S NOT!

All too often, we consciously (or subconsciously) enter into relationships with the naïve thinking that we CAN CHANGE our partners. And honestly, my experiences in life have taught me otherwise. People “are who they are” and change ONLY occurs when an individual really WANTS to change – NOT when WE desire it, or require it. The only power we have for change is within ourselves, not within someone else.

I, personally, have found that my relationships with others are far more rewarding and loving when I can accept others for who they are –
right where they’re at in their own Journey of Life. . . without any expectations of who, or how, I WANT THEM TO BE. And, I have a Peace and Comfort in knowing (in my Heart) that my relationship with that person is "real and genuine". . . and that it's far less self-serving, selfish, manipulative and controlling, on my part.

Relationships are not “jobs” in which we need to perform to some level in order to keep them. Loving relationships are an agreement by which we, hopefully, enter into willingly with a desire to Love one another unconditionally and without expectations. So, if we’re looking for a REAL CHANGE to occur, perhaps that “change” needs to come from within each of us, first. As author Ken Unger says, “Nothing changes. . . until I do.”  

Following is the article from Laura Schenck.

R Butch David

Stop Trying to Change Your Partner

Change YOUR Attitude, Instead

(By Laura Schenck, M.A.)

“Our capacity to make peace with another person
and with the world, depends very much on
our capacity to make peace with ourselves.” 

(Thich Nhat Hanh)

Relationships naturally go through various stages of development and changes over time as couples transition between romance, conflict, and resolution. Quite often, the same qualities that served as powerful early attractors toward your partner later become perceived as sources of discontent. The expectation for long-term relationships to remain entrenched in blissful romance, without any negotiation of needs/expectations or commitment to growth as a couple is unrealistic. It is when we start to view these natural relationship transitions as threatening and absolve ourselves of responsibility that a problematic
relationship cycle can intensify.

While there are certainly a host of serious issues that can plague the core of any relationship, it is often the case that problems begin to appear larger than they truly are due to the attitude that WE take toward them, the responsibility that WE assume for the role WE play in the relationship dynamic, and the meaning or interpretation that WE assign (consciously or otherwise) to our partners’ behaviors.

It is important to recognize that when you enter into a romantic relationship with another individual, you bring with you a large body of personal values, goals, expectations, personality traits, and temperament that are all your own. Your partner is not responsible for the way that you were raised, your past relationship history, your belief system, or your sense of yourself as an individual. A relationship is the connection of two separate individuals who come together in the hopes
of finding compatibility, sharing hopes/dreams, finding love/support, and building a life together rich with shared meaning and purpose.

Many relationship expectations are artifacts from your own history that you may be unwittingly bringing into your current partnership. For example, if your parent or previous partner(s) always did something like take out the trash, cook dinner, or pick their socks up off the floor, the absence of these habits in your current partner may stand out to you as being much more important than someone who was not “taught” to have these expectations in relationships.

The idea is that we learn through repeated experiences with our parents and romantic partners what to expect (and not expect)
from current relationships. Awareness of these expectations can be
an important step toward developing compassion for your partner and releasing expectations that may not be all that important in the
grand scheme of things. When expectations go unmet that truly are non-negotiable in your mind, the onus is on you to directly communicate those needs.

If you find yourself navigating through what feels like a conflict stage of your relationship, take a few moments to mindfully step back and look at the big picture. Take stock of what other factors in each of your individual and shared lives may be contributing to your sense of distress. Consider ways in which that distress can be transformed into a form of fulfillment that strengthens your relationship. If you truly want to work through the conflict in your relationship, you must be willing to clearly state your needs/expectations. . . [with a willingness to let go of any expectations that may be unrealistic and/or harmful to your relationship, as a whole – rbd] and then be willing to leave the relationship if you reach a point where it becomes clear that compromise cannot be reached.

During times of external stress, it is easy for judgments to become clouded and to direct negativity toward yourself, your partner, and the relationship. Rather than express your stress by labeling and judging each and every thing your partner does and doesn’t do, imagine what it would be like to focus on the things that you can do differently to bring about the playfulness, love, compromise, and harmony in your relationship. Unwillingness to reflect on the role that you play in creating the relationship dynamic has the potential of prematurely ending a relationship and ultimately trading one set of relationship problems for a “new” set of problems with another partner.

If you truly want to stay in your relationship, it is clear that things must change. Rather than focusing immediately on all the ways in which your partner could change, try starting with yourself. You may be surprised by the power that changing your attitude, perspective, and behaviors can actually have on influencing your authentic emotions in the relationship, as well as indirectly “changing” your partner for the better. Make the choice to put “we” before “me” in the relationship and notice the consequences.

Remember that if you look for something long enough and persistently enough, you’re quite likely to find some evidence to confirm your hypotheses about “what kind of person” your partner may or may not be. In fact, expecting negative qualities from your partner and being reluctant to give them the benefit of the doubt may even lead to confirmation that you were “right” after all, simply because your partner became increasingly influenced by YOUR attitudes and judgments.

When you choose to focus on what you’re getting in a relationship, as opposed to what you’re giving, resentment and frustration may naturally build. No matter how irritating your partner’s behavior may be in the moment, remember that your interpretation of that behavior and the meaning that you assign to it plays a powerful role in determining a positive or negative outcome.

http://www.mindfulnessmuse.com/interpersonal-relationships/stop-trying-to-change-your-partner-change-your-attitude-part-one

Expectations Can Ruin Relationships

How to Let Go of Relational Expectations

(An Article by Daphne Lim)

The one thing that shatters relationships and ruins friendships more than any other is expectations. When we say that someone is not meeting
our "needs," we usually mean that he or she is not living up to our expectations. True needs are very few, but expectations are limitless.

When a person’s behavior does not match your expectations, you can
try to change their behavior, or you could let go of your expectations. The first is an exercise in frustration and causes untold damage to relationships. The second is also difficult, but possible and worthwhile. Learn to let go.

1. Identify Faulty Assumptions

For some reason, when we get close to a person, we start to demand that this person acts in a certain way. We reason that “if you loved me, you would. . .” This type of reasoning is based on two faulty assumptions:

a. That love can be defined in a certain way

b. That the other person agrees with this definition

Neither assumption is reasonable. And once you accept that your
way of thinking is not the only right way, you’ll find it easy to reject
the assumption and therefore adjust or even completely drop your expectations.

2. Seek to Understand

People show love in different ways, as explained by Gary Chapman in
his excellent book “The Five Love Languages”: words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, gifts, and physical touch. Someone else may speak a love language that you do not understand because your love language is different.

When you travel to another country that speaks a different language from yours, the locals may not understand what you are trying to say to them. In the same way, when someone tries to love you in their own way, it is you who may not understand. This does not mean that they are not trying. It is not their actions that you need to change, it is your understanding.

3. Observe Carefully

When you stop expecting a certain behavior from others, you free yourself to see more clearly. You will start to observe what they actually do, instead of constantly seeing the gap between what they do and what you want them to do.

For example, if you expect your child to obey your instructions quietly and he starts to question you, you may get upset because he doesn’t meet your expectation of what a ‘good boy’ is. If you drop this expectation and listen to his questions instead, you may pick up on a specific fear he has which is causing him to resist your instruction. When you see more clearly, you can respond more effectively.

4. Recognize the Consequences

You would probably be upset if somebody loved you only when you behaved a certain way. Children who grow up with this kind of conditional love become insecure adults who try too hard to please. Spouses
who feel they are not good enough for their partners may seek acceptance in somebody else’s arms.

Relationships are not transactions. If you’re in a relationship because of what you get out of it, it is a transaction. We all have needs that have to met, but it is futile to expect the other person to meet these needs. It is easy to let go of expectations once we accept responsibility to meet our needs ourselves, and are in a relationship not for what we can get but for who we can be.

5. Ask for Agreement

If an expectation you have is important because it touches on non-negotiable values or morality, seek to convert that expectation
into an agreement. Agreements are not expectations. Expectations exist in your own mind, often without the knowledge of the other person. Agreements are explicit verbal commitments by both parties on
a set of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors.

Decide on what is non-negotiable to you. Highlight these to the other person and explain why it is so important. I’ve found that calm discussions work much better in this case than yelling matches.
Be very specific about the behaviors you expect [desire - rbd] and ask
if the other party agrees. Be prepared to return the favor. Once both have agreed, honor the ground-rules.

If you cannot convert a non-negotiable expectation to an agreement, you’ll have to make a tough choice. You have to decide whether to let go of the expectation or the person. Personally, I think that a flesh-and-blood person is almost always more worth holding on to than an expectation that exists only in my mind.

Let go of your expectations. I’m still working on this myself, but the few times I have managed to let go have been truly liberating. With one simple change of thinking, you free two people at one time. The other person is free from having to behave in a certain way, and you are free to love better. Letting go is hard, but definitely worth it.

http://www.joyfuldays.com/let-go-of-expectations/

Efficiency vs. Love

When "Working" Relationships Still Fail

(Sharing a Video Series by Andy Stanley) 

In a part-time job that I’ve recently taken on, I’ve had the pleasure of meeting over sixty people. The thing I appreciate most about my work is the people that I work with. I know each of them by name and have made it a priority to talk with them every day that I’m there. As we’ve gotten to know each other, some of these new friends have opened up about their personal lives and I’ve made it a point to practice listening. As a friend once shared with me, I’ve also found that most people are just looking for someone who cares enough and is willing. . . to LISTEN. 

On more than one occasion, some of my new friends have referred to me as “The Relationship Expert.” However, as Forrest Gump would say, “Now, I don’t know much about thaaat.” They’ve even told others that they should speak with me and get my advice. And quite honestly, I’ve come to believe that I’m really not in a position to give anyone advice. So, as we talk about our personal lives, I simply share what I’ve been learning on my own Journey of Life, as I’m given the opportunity. 

To set the record straight, I’m really NOT an “Expert” at anything.
Like you, I only know what I’ve personally experienced and, hopefully,
am learning along the way. After two failed marriages, I’m certainly not qualified as a “Relationship Expert.” I mean, if I had all this “Healthy Relationship Stuff” down, I’d probably never have gotten divorced in the first (or second) place, right? Yes I know, it does “take two to Tango.” Yet, because of those past experiences, I have endeavored to study relationships more closely. In as much, what makes them “work”
and what doesn’t. So, I guess these experiences in my own Journey have caused a desire within me to become a “Relationship Student.” And truly, in the “Journey of Learning,” I have a long way to go. . . 

My first marriage didn’t last that long and really wasn’t all that “Healthy” from the get-go. Two young, wounded and naïve people who had a lot of “expectations” – and that’s a subject we’ll get to, shortly. I did learn that in order to move on, in a Healthy and Healing Way, it was necessary
for me to take a look at that with a sincere willingness to Forgive. And
on my end, that Forgiveness had to be extended to both to my ex-partner, and also to myself. 

Now, my second marriage was a relationship of nearly 18-years. In the “School of Life,” the opportunities which were present there afforded a lot to be learned – mostly about myself and “why I do the things I do.” Perhaps, all of us could benefit from “looking in the mirror,” rather than pointing our finger at our (ex) partners as we play the “Blame Game.” But then again, that’s a decision that each of us gets to make, IF we are willing to go there. As I’ve often quoted from author Ken Unger, “Nothing changes until I change.” 

What had really surprised me (and perhaps, only me), at the time of
the breakup of this marriage, was how the relationship APPEARED to be “working” on several levels. You see, over the course of many years, my wife and I had developed a real “Efficiency” when it came to “getting things done.” What I’m saying is that “we seemed to work well together.” Yes together, we worked at this and accomplished that, and a lot of cards appeared to be falling into place as the years went on. And, the best I can figure is that this "working" mindset of "Efficiency" had somehow become the priority in our relationship, rather than what really mattered. And truly, without placing any blame, I'm not saying
that this is what either of us really wanted, rather it's just where the relationship had gone. . . because something else was missing.

Unfortunately, like most failed relationships, our marriage lacked. . . Unconditional Love. I’m not saying that we didn’t love each other at some level – I feel we did. Although in looking back, it seemed that
(over time) each of us became more committed to the “Marriage” than we were to “Truly Loving” each other, unconditionally – and THAT too, was part of the “work.” In reality, each of us had “expectations” as to how things should really be. And, regardless of how well things “seemed” to be “efficiently working” – with our goals, plans, dreams and acquisitions, the reality was that the Love we shared was simply disintegrating over the years. I’ve often said, when it comes to our own personal woundedness, “Time doesn’t Heal, but it does reveal. . .”
 
The truth is, each of us brought many unresolved and unhealed hurts (baggage) into our relationship that we were simply unable and/or unwilling to deal with in a Healthy and Healing Way. And the reality was, neither of us knew how to FIX it. So, perhaps our work
of “Efficiency” was also part of our escape from the pain which each
of us carried in our Hearts. And I've concluded, those are the things (emotional wounds) that needed to be Healed before we could do
a little more than giving our “crummy best” in trying to make a relationship really "work". 

You see, I’ve come to learn that having an “Efficient Marriage” – one
in which we accomplish all these “things” and acquire all this “stuff” simply won’t make up for a relationship that lacks Unconditional Love. And truly, I’m talking about a Love that never fails. Here are some thoughts from Andy Stanley that seem to ring true with what I’m trying
to share:

-  Promises and Vows (Commitments) don’t make us capable
or able, they just make us accountable. 

-  When you become accountable for something you’re
not capable of doing, you become miserable.

-  Just because we make a promise to someone, doesn’t mean
we have the ability to “pull it off.”

-  When you commit to something you can’t do,
the Promise is worthless.

-  Without our individual willingness to look at our past
and change [often, Healing is necessary - rbd], it’s likely that
our future will be a mere reflection of our past. 

What I’ve learned is that Love has to come first, and everything else needs to come second, or even last. But again, to quote Ken Unger, “Asking someone with a broken heart to truly Love others, is like asking someone with a broken leg to get up and run – it just won’t happen until you get it healed.”

Having experienced that, personally, I’ve come to accept that I really can’t give to someone else that which I don’t feel or have within myself. And the things that really matter – like Love, Compassion and Forgiveness, need to come from a Higher Place. As a close friend often says, “Without our willingness to Forgive from the Heart, as Jesus taught, we’ll have no capacity to Truly Love one another – unconditionally.” (Dan Copan)

Enclosed is a 3-Part Video Series (on YouTube) from Andy Stanley.

He shares some really great insights as to how our “relationship expectations” can contribute to a less than healthy, happy, committed relationship and marriage. I’m hoping you’ll take the time to watch the series, as I’ve been doing. For me, personally, this enlightening and positive message, by Andy, is really some “powerful stuff” when it comes to my wanting to “get things right” in my future relationships. As I’ve often shared before, it really takes two people who are in “Agreement” to make something work, in a Healthy and Healing Way. And, perhaps as it’s said. . . “All things in due time. . .”

To Your Journey and My Journey. . . with Love,

R Butch David 

Here are the video links, if you feel like going there (each Video is about 20-min. in length):

 Part-1  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-Z-WeQkYKk

Part-2  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCPf33QAx2k

Part-3  http://www.youtub.ceom/watch?v=tTifaS-7F9M

The Secret of Successful Relationships

Oh. . . So THAT'S How it Works!

After many positive responses from some friends that I shared a YouTube video with, I've decided to post the following short video with a perspective on "Successful Relationships."

While watching the video, I saw things about myself and relationships
that I've had in my own life. And perhaps, more importantly, I considered (deeply) what God might be wanting to teach me. . . about me and my own desires for "relationship" with others. 

I'm hoping that you'll consider setting aside some time to watch the video (approx. 30-minutes). And, perhaps consider how it may apply to your own life and relationships that you have had in the past, relationships you may have now, or even may desire to have in the future. 

Truly, I feel that NONE OF US has all the answers. But sometimes, it's in our willingness to share our Journeys, and what we've been learning, that we can all benefit from each other. And, it would seem that it's in "having the right questions and seeking for the answers" that can make all the difference. As the Word says, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

Lastly, I can really appreciate the words a close friend of mine shared
with me from his own ongoing Journey of Healing. They're posted in this month's Heart-Line Quotes (which I feel the video also addresses):

Sometimes, the only way to really figure things out
is that you simply “have to go through it.”
But, there’s one thing that I’ve learned and
now know for sure. . . Jesus isn’t some woman.
Or, if you’re a woman – Jesus isn’t just some man.

  
Love Never Fails,

R Butch David 

Love in the Long-Run

The 12 Ties that Bind Long-Term Relationships

(By Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph. D)

Which relationships stand the test of time, and why?

That crazy thing we call love is perhaps one of the most studied and least understood areas in psychology. One reason is that many studies of romantic relationships are carried out not in real life, but in the lab. Making matters worse, many of these studies involve dating relationships between samples of convenience, consisting of undergraduate students. Though these students are certainly capable of close relationships, many of them haven’t matured enough to know themselves, much less what they want out of a romantic partner.

What better way to find out about love than to survey the experts? Not
the psychology experts – the expert members of couples who have been married 10 years or longer. The surprising findings of this study, reported in the prestigious journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, showed not only that many people were still in love even after
10 years of marriage, but also which factors predicted the strength
of their passion. As reported by Stony Brook University psychologist
K. Daniel O’Leary (2012) and his research team, the findings provided a stark contrast to the typically glum view we have of long-term marriages. Rather than being doomed to a bland, mediocre existence, these couples endorsed their positive feelings toward their spouses with hearty (dare I say) enthusiasm. A whopping 40 percent of those married 10 years or more stated that they were “Very intensely in love” – the highest rating on the scale. Another 15 percent gave their marriages the second-highest rating on the love intensity scale. Perhaps even more surprisingly, those who stuck together for 30 years and more also gave their marriages high ratings with 40 percent of women and 35 percent of men saying that they were very intensely in love. Clearly, many couples are able to maintain high levels of passion as the decades go by well into their middle and later years.

Just as clearly, not everyone felt the same degree of intensity about
their spouses. The researchers turned next to trying to predict which relationships would be marked by the strongest degree of intensity. Psychological theories of love focus on such quintessential features as passion, commitment, closeness, early experiences in relationships, emotional needs, and ability to communicate. These are, of course, important to the health of any relationship. However, when it comes down to predicting which relationships will make it for the long haul, the questions become almost equally pragmatic as romantic. 

Earlier research by psychologist Arthur Aron, who collaborated in this study, suggested that the people who are most intensely in love are the ones who feel a strong romantic attraction, but who also enjoy engaging in “self-expanding” joint activities that are novel and challenging. Based on findings, the researchers also thought that strong love would involve regular strong doses of dopamine, the neurotransmitter that pumps up the brain’s reward circuits. The investigators couldn’t measure dopamine through a telephone survey, so instead they used questions that would tap into the amount of pleasure partners felt when they were around each other.

A few caveats about the study might have already come to your mind. First, and most importantly, the study was conducted only on couples who stayed together. The unhappy couples would have divorced and therefore not qualified for the research. On top of that, the couples obviously agreed to be in the study, so it’s possible that the unhappiest ones simply didn’t want to confront the questions about their marriages – although it’s also possible that the unhappy ones would have welcomed the opportunity to complain about their spouses. In either case, the researchers believed that the bias of wanting to look either very happy or very unhappy didn’t play a major role in affecting the results. One way that they made this assurance was by making the questions as focused on behavior as possible and therefore less subject to reporting bias. The study also has the obvious limitation of being conducted on partners in heterosexual marriages which may not be typical of all relationships.

Now that you’ve learned the basics of this fascinating study, it’s time to put your relationship to the test. See how you would rate your closest romantic relationship (marriage or otherwise) on these 12 key dimensions:

1 – Thinking positively about your partner. Having positive thoughts about your partner means that you focus on the good, not the bad, in your partner’s personal qualities and character. Ruminating about the things that bother you can only lead you to magnify the small foibles which will make your partner even more irritating to you than you would otherwise feel.  People in good relationships engage in “sentiment override,” meaning that they remember more of the favorable than the unfavorable experiences they’ve shared together.

2 – Thinking about your partner when apart. When you leave your partner for the day, the evening, or for an extended period of time, do you forget about his or her existence? Is it out of sight and out of mind for you? If so, this may be a sign that you’re not that much in love. You don’t have to spend every second apart sighing longingly, but the fact that your partner isn’t there should at least cross your mind some of the time during the course of the average day.

3 – Difficulty concentrating on other things when thinking about your partner. If you’re able to set aside your thoughts about your partner without much effort, this suggests that your partner takes up only a small amount of cognitive load.  Multitasking isn’t particularly desirable when it comes to musing over your loved one. In the O'Leary study, this factor was particularly important for men.

4 – Enjoying novel and challenging activities. Like definitely attracts like when it comes to personal interests and hobbies. Spending time together is important, as you’ll see below, but it’s how you spend your time that influences your relationship satisfaction even more. Aron’s self-expansion model, tested in empirical research, suggests that couples can improve their love for each other when they spend their time together exploring new and challenging activities. The O'Leary study identified this factor as especially relevant for men. If you’re going to go bungee jumping for the first time, your relationship will benefit when you and your partner face this challenge together. If you’re not up to bungee jumping, seek out mentally challenging ways to spice up your daily routines.

5 – Spending time together. If you love someone, you want to spend time with that person, and the more time you spend together, the more your love will grow. The time you spend should include some new and challenging activities, as shown in point #4. However, even spending time together in mundane household activities can enhance your love's intensity. That basement remodeling you’ve been intending to get started can actually become a way for you and your partner to strengthen your emotional bonds. Cooking, gardening, grocery shopping, and even cleaning the house are other ways to bolster your love for each other. This was another factor that, in the O'Leary study, was more important for men.

6 – Expressing affection. Feeling love toward your partner is important, but so is expressing that love in physical ways. It’s not wise to play hard to get when your goal is to build the passion in your relationship. The affection you show doesn’t have to be elaborate or overly gushy. A touch on the shoulder or kiss on the cheek is enough to build your relationship’s intensity. 

7 – Being turned on by your partner. Those tiny touches of affection can not only boost your emotional connection to your partner, but also stoke the sexual fires within. The respondents reporting the most intense love for their partner in the O’Leary study said that they felt their bodies responding when their partner touched them. This doesn’t mean a full-out sexual encounter has to follow from that touch on the cheek. Feeling a warm, tingling sensation from your partner’s physical presence is enough to keep the fire inside stoked until the time is right for sexual activity.

8 – Engaging in sexual intercourse. It should come as no surprise that having intercourse is a positive expression of a love’s intensity. People in love are more likely to have sex with each other on a regular basis. The O’Leary study showed, however, that part of the reason for the positive association between sex and love is that people who are happiest in their relationships both love their partners more and have sex more frequently. Whatever the cause, the point is that sexual activity builds and maintains feelings of love and even happiness that endure over time. 

9 – Feeling generally happy. People who feel happier about life also have stronger feelings of love toward their partners. We can’t determine whether people who are in love therefore feel happier or vice versa from the survey data in the O’Leary study (and the finding was more true of women than men). However, the finding suggests that if you’re experiencing personal distress, this can leak out and cause your relationship to suffer. Similarly, if your relationship is in trouble, your personal happiness will suffer as well. Either way, it's important for you to seek help before these negative effects take a heavy toll on your mental health.

10 – Wanting to know where your partner is at all times. Being intensely in love, for men, is associated with wanting to know your partner’s whereabouts. This component of intense love may seem a bit like stalking. But to put a positive spin on it, if you want to know where your partner is, this reflects the fact that your partner isn't very far from your thoughts.

11 – Obsessively thinking about your partner. Being slightly obsessed with your partner turns out to be positively related to intense love, at least for women. The women most in love in the O’Leary study didn’t particularly care about knowing their partner’s whereabouts. However, they were more likely to engage in obsessive thinking about their partner more generally.

12 – Having a strong passion for life. People who approach their daily lives with zest and strong emotion seem to carry these intense feelings over to their love life as well. If you want your relationship to have passion, put that emotional energy to work in your hobbies, interests, and even your political activities. Your brain's reward centers respond similarly to love as to getting excited about your other daily interests. Getting "fired up" in these areas of life translates into firing up the feelings you have toward your partner and in the O'Leary study seemed to matter more for men. 

The formula for keeping love alive in your closest relationship is a complicated one. The study by the O’Leary team, in identifying these 12 factors, provides new evidence to show that not only can long-term couples get along with each other, but they can maintain their passion for many decades.  Close relationships are the centerpiece of our sense of identity and are fundamental to our feelings of fulfillment. They can even benefit our health. The relationship conflict that can ensue can also affect your health, as we know from research on marital problems and obesity. By changing your thoughts and your behavior about these relationships, you can keep them fresh and vital for years.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201206/the-12-ties-bind-long-term-relationships

Overcoming Relationship Problems

How Can I Be ME. . . When You're Being YOU!

(Sharing an Article by Steven Stosny)

You know. . . sometimes, we can see it coming and sometimes we simply can’t. And then, there are times we can openly acknowledge the truth (that is, reality) and other times we simply DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT.
I guess it truly depends upon where we’re at in our own Journey of Life. Ideally (we hope), that Journey is leading all of us to a Destination that provides Healing, Wholeness, Peace and True Heartfelt Joy. But,
I also think it’s in how we get there that can make a real difference. . .
even if only to each of us, individually.

A Case in Point

After my first (short-term) marriage ended in divorce, I recall talking
with my eldest Brother. He openly acknowledged how unhealthy that relationship appeared to him and that he knew it wouldn’t last. When I questioned (challenged?) him about WHY he never said anything in the first place, he simply replied, “Well, for a few reasons. . . One – you weren’t asking for my opinion; Two – you wouldn’t have listened, because you already had your mind made up; And Three – I loved you too much to start telling you how to live your life.”

When asked for advice, another long-time, close and rather wise friend of mine usually says. . . “Do what you want – you’re going to anyway.” And honestly, I’ve learned the hard way that “sometimes the only way to really figure some things out (for ourselves) – is that WE NEED TO GO THROUGH IT. . .” And let’s just HOPE that we’re NOT going “through it” over and over, again. As it is, one of my favorite lines from the movie “The Sting” (1973 with Robert Redford) has always been: “Figure it out for YOURSELF, Kelly!”

In recent years, I can appreciate where my friend is coming from with his type of advice. You see, for the longest time, I pretty much had some great advice for nearly everyone – whether they were asking for it or not. In my foolish pride (which I discovered a bit later, was due to my own personal woundedness), I actually believed that I had the unique ability to somehow fix everyone else’s problems. . . that is, except for MY OWN. Hmmm. . . ?

I guess it was just a matter of time before I would literally “bury myself” with many of my own unwise and unhealthy decisions in life. And some
of those decisions involved the kind of people I was attracted to and, ultimately, the relationships I became attached to (entangled in?). Fortunately, there always seems to be a “light at the end of the tunnel.” Let’s just hope it’s not a freight train coming. . . with no way out.

I’ve come to understand that, often, we tend to be attracted to people who are in a “similar station of life.” And unfortunately, part of that attraction comes from the unhealed hurts (wounds) that we carry within our own hearts – regardless of whether or not we recognize, acknowledge and are willing to deal with (resolve and heal) those issues, or if we’ve simply REPRESSED all of that painful stuff. In the former case, the result can become a Path of Healing in which we’re able to work on ourselves and in the foreseeable process, become able to make healthier relationship choices. But in the latter case. . . we go on making the familiar and painful choices that we so often have made in our past. But that’s okay. . . because I KNOW IT’S THE OTHER PERSON – NOT ME!
Oh really. . . ?

While researching the topic of “Compatibility in Relationships,” I came across the following article. I feel that the article explains a little bit of what’s really going on. . . when our seemingly committed relationships start to “Go South.” I’ve come to learn that unless we’re really willing
to take a good look at ourselves, it’s likely that we’ll spend a majority of our time looking out the window and pointing our finger at someone else (i.e. playing the Victim, while identifying the “Bad Guy/Girl” in our lives). Perhaps, when going through our own house, we might be better off having a few less windows and a lot more mirrors. As a friend of mine often says, “Nothing changes until I change.”

These days, I make it a point NOT to offer advice – even when someone is asking me. Rather, I can only share what I’ve experienced and have come to learn (for myself) while on my own Journey of Life. Realistically, the ONLY person we can truly fix is. . . ourselves. In reality, the emotionally healthier we are individually, the more likely it is that we’ll attract someone who’s in that same “Station of Life,” with the hope of developing a Happy, Healthy, Committed and Lasting Relationship. And as the saying goes, “Two cannot walk together unless they are agreed.” 

I hope you enjoy the enclosed article and the short music video which follows, as well. I consider this song, from the video, to be a shared moment of Hope for all of us. . . as we come to that place where we're willing and able to discover who we really are. And, to come to understand what True Love is really all about. Because, as I've been learning over the past several years – True Love Never Fails.

R Butch David

Marriage Problems:
How Can I Be Me – When You're Being You?

(How You Would Like to Be vs. Who You Are)

(By Steven Stosny, Ph D – Published on August 18, 2008)

Most people get married because they like the way they are with their partners – loving, compassionate, engaging, supportive, sexy, and flexible. They get divorced because they don't like the way they are with their partners – resentful, turned off, frustrated, rigid, or bored, all of which they blame on their relationship.

In the course of this death march, many go into marriage therapy to find better ways to manipulate their partners into, at best, doing what they want or, at worst, becoming who they want. The self-defeating flaw in this strategy, apart from the fact that it hardly ever works, is cognitive dissonance – that is, the discomfort generated by holding contradictory cognitions.

In marriage [and supposedly committed relationships – rbd], cognitive dissonance is the difference between how you would like to be and how you are. For instance, "I am loving, compassionate, supportive, sexy, etc. . . yet I am NOT these things with you."

This aspect of cognitive dissonance isn't bad; it can act as a motivation to be true to your deepest values, by making you behave in more loving and compassionate ways. Unfortunately, most people who divorce or go to marriage therapy choose to resolve their cognitive dissonance with something like this:

"Since I am unable to be my loving
and compassionate self with you,
you must be too selfish, insensitive,
withholding, demanding, emotional, rigid,
sick, or defective in some way."

This ill-fated resolution of cognitive dissonance only makes you both feel like victims and sends you searching online or in self-help aisles for a checklist that validates your suffering and a diagnosis that nails your partner.

Cognitive dissonance can undermine marriage (and marriage therapy) in sneaky ways, even when you are successful at getting what you want, namely, change in the other person. If you do get what you want by changing your partner, your own self-concept is reduced to:

"I am loving, compassionate, supportive, etc. . .
as long as you do what I want."

Do you really want this on your tombstone?:

"As long as I got what I wanted,
I was great to the people I love.”

The irony is that the last thing you need is an externally regulated self concept, i.e., one determined not by your own behavior but by
what your partner does for you. Externally regulated, your sense of self becomes totally dependent on your partner, not just for consistently doing what you want but for doing it with love and joy in his/her heart, since resentful submission is far from satisfying. Externally regulated, self-concept needs more and more validation, if not submission, from the partner to stay afloat. This sends satisfaction on a downward spiral as it necessarily destabilizes both the sense
of self and the relationship.

Successful relationships are not about getting your partner to do what you want; it's about being who you are, i.e., behaving according to your deepest values. For most people, this means being loving and compassionate to the people they love.

Happily, you have the best chance of getting your partner to do what you want by being who you are.

Consider the effects of positive reciprocity and negative reactivity [within a relationship – rbd]. Which of the following is more likely to inspire cooperation?

1. Approaching your spouse/partner as your authentic, loving and
   compassionate self.

2. Approaching your spouse/partner with entitlement and demands
   (even if couched in the rehearsed language of "behavior requests")?

Marriage (and marriage therapy) run into a brick wall of cognitive dissonance when they focus on "getting your needs met," or "getting the love you want." They are more likely to have lasting success with a focus on each of you being the partner you most want to be.

www.compassionpower.com