Connecting With Our Partners

“The 5 Love Languages” Assessment Test

About twenty years ago, I was privileged to be in an audience listening to a man named Dr. Gary Chapman. At the time, he had recently published his new book entitled, “The 5 Love Languages" – How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.”

As he spoke about relationships and our need for connection through healthy communication, a lot of what he shared just resonated in my heart. I had just been married a year earlier and, together, we felt that
this was the kind of thing that could only help us in the long run.

Gary spoke about each of us having different Love Languages – those
are the ways in which each of us is “wired” or programmed to experience and feel Love from one another. "The 5 Love Languages" he spoke of were these:

– Words of Affirmation   – Acts of Service   – Receiving Gifts  
– Quality Time   – Physical Touch (Intimacy)

These Love Languages are the ways in which we will give (or show) Love to our Partner, and also the ways in which we receive (or feel) Love from our Partner. Now the ways in which we GIVE LOVE and RECEIVE LOVE can be the same. . . or they can be quite different. And to make things slightly more interesting, each of us has both Primary and Secondary Love Languages in both the GIVING and RECEIVING areas. I get the sense that Gary had really given this some thought through his own personal experiences.

How Our Love Languages are Developed

Now this is not a steadfast rule – but for me, I discovered that my Primary
Love Language – in terms of how I GAVE (expressed) LOVE to another, was really grounded in my experiences and conditioning as a young child. And because of how I was raised, my Love Language for GIVING LOVE to others (i.e. my partner) would be through “Acts of Service.” I feel the reason for this was because whenever I “did things” (chores, helping out, etc.), it was confirmed to me that I was being “good.” In effect, I truly only “Felt Love” when I earned that Love by doing something for (giving to) someone else. And as I look back at my adult life, I can now see why
I would OFTEN try to help others – even when they weren't asking for any help. It was my way of (subconsciously?) "seeking to be loved."  And as someone once told me. . . "How sad. . ."

Now honestly, I’m not too fond of the concept that for us to FEEL Love – that we have to earn it. After all, God loves us because of WHO He is and not as a result of how well we do things or perform. But still, I came to recognize what my Love Language was, in terms of GIVING, and ideally why and where it came from. . . my early childhood conditioning.

Now on the flip-side, my Love Language for how I could FEEL and RECEIVE LOVE was also the result of my “parental blueprint” as a child. For me, I FELT LOVE. . . through WORDS. But ironically, it wasn’t because I received “Words of Affirmation” as a child – rather, I feel it’s because I seldom recall hearing any LOVING WORDS from my parents. So in effect, what became my Love Language for FEELING LOVE from someone was WORDS – because THAT was the very thing that was missing – the very thing which was lacking in my Soul. As I look back, I CRAVED hearing Words of Affirmation – and so, that particular Love Language has resonated in my Heart, my whole life.
 
So it would seem that our own Love Languages can develop from what we HAD received and are familiar with from our early years. . . or from what we actually needed to receive (to FEEL Love), but yet never actually experienced – Hmmm. . . ?

Now truly, there are no “right or wrong” Love Languages – they’re ALL good and they’re all valid. Just as it’s important for each of us to know and recognize our own Love Language, it’s even MORE IMPORTANT for
us to KNOW OUR PARTNERS Love Language – Especially, if we truly care about them and want to communicate our Love for them in a way that they can FEEL and RECEIVE that Love, from us. What I had to discover was that for me to really CONNECT with my partner, I would need to learn how to address HER Love Language. For her to FEEL Love from me, I had to be able (and willing) to express (GIVE) Love to her in a Language she could identify with in her own heart.

This is IMPORTANT - Please Read!

Seldom do a husband and wife (partners/mates) have the same primary love language. We tend to speak our OWN Primary Love Language and become confused when our partner doesn’t understand what we’re communicating. Once you identify and learn to speak your PARTNER’S Primary Love Language, you’ll have discovered the key
to a happy, fulfilling, long-lasting and loving relationship.

Determining Your Own Love Language

The quickest way to determine your own Love Language is to take the free online Assessment Test. Either take the test, or since you may be speaking what you need, you can discover your own love language by asking yourself these questions:

–   How do I express love to others?

–   What do I complain about the most?

–   What do I request most often?

Speaking in your spouse's love language probably won't be natural for you. Dr. Chapman says, "We're not talking comfort. We're talking Love. Love is something we do for someone else. So often couples love one another, but they aren't connecting. They ARE sincere, but sincerity isn't enough."

Following this article (below) is a direct link for "The 5 Love Languages" Assessment Test (online) from Dr. Gary Chapman. This assessment test is ABSOLUTELY FREE and it actually includes the “results” (although
you will have to enter your email address to get the results). If you haven’t already done so in the past, I would personally recommend (ask you to consider) taking the test – just to find out where your Heart may be, in terms of how you GIVE and RECEIVE Love according to your Love Languages. I would also like to encourage you – if you ARE currently
in a Relationship – to consider taking the “TEST” with your Partner. And that doesn’t mean necessarily at the same time, but rather, sharing the results with one another after each of you has completed the assessment. There are also links on the same web-page (under “Resources”) should you be interested in purchasing the book.*

In my own experience, I’ve found that knowing our Love Languages, alone, can’t save a relationship. But, I also feel that understanding these principles can certainly help. And like anything else worthwhile, Healthy and Healing Relationships TAKE WORK – from BOTH PARTNERS.
I’d also like to propose that having this Love Language information can certainly help us in the area of better communication in our relationships. Ideally. . . “It Takes Two to Tango.” And I feel most certainly, the more that each of us knows about our Partner, the more likely it is that we'll be able to communicate "A Love that hits home – with THEM."

R Butch David

P.S. So if you feel like going there, just click on the link below for:
“The 5 Love Languages" Assessment

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

Here's a short music video to confirm that "True Love - Never Fails!"

 

* 1HeartMatters is in no way affiliated with Dr. Gary Chapman,
   nor are we compensated for sharing this heartfelt information
   or for your ordering any of his published works.

Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut

Relationships in a Nutshell

(Sharing an Article by Natalie Lue)

You know how it is. . . Sometimes you feel like a nut – and other
times you simply ARE. At least that’s the way I’ve felt about myself
on occasion. And sometimes, relationships work out the way we would like them to. Unfortunately though, often they do not. But, there’s always something to be learned, even if it’s just about ourselves and “why we do what we do.” Still, I believe that all things are possible, even Healthy, Healing and Lasting Relationships – especially when God is involved.

I’ve come to learn that the more I know about myself, realistically speaking in a “Healthy (and Healing) Way,” the more likely it is that I’ll be able to contribute to having a “Healthy and Healing Relationship” with another person. As author Ken Unger says, “Nothing changes until I change.” Personally, over the last 5-years, I’m experiencing that to be true.

I found a majority of the insights in the following article to be “on the mark” in terms of how quite a few relationships often appear to be operating.
I know that the article caused me some personal reflection on my own
part – without pointing my finger at someone else. And as it’s said, “The only person we can truly work on. . . is ourselves.”

But in regard to anything written by man, there can always be “meat and bones” – things that are valuable and things that are not. I believe, that ideally, no one Partner is to “Lord it over” another. And, I also feel that the best arrangement for a Healthy Relationship involves having a “Quarterback AND a Receiver” – whereas, both positions (roles) are of equal value. If that’s not the case, it will truly be hard to “win the game
of life” with another by your side. The reality is that you can’t have just two quarterbacks or just two receivers if you’re intending on getting anywhere. Perhaps, learning how to submit to one another in Love is really what this is all about. Individually, for BOTH people involved, a Healthy and Healing Heart can help with that, as well. I hope you benefit from the article. . . and wish you Blessings on your Journey.

R Butch David 


Relationships in a Nutshell:

Co-Pilots, Drivers and Passengers. . .
(and the Importance of a Joint Agenda)

(By Natalie Lue)

After much observation and plenty of experience, I believe that healthy relationships have joint agendas and co-pilots and unhealthy ones have drivers and passengers with solo and hidden agendas.

When you recognize the importance of being a co-pilot sans (without)
a hidden agenda, not only will it be far harder to be swept along by an unavailable or ass-clown tide, but you’ll no longer be ‘helpless’ in your relationships and will have the ability to work out where you’re at.

We can become very focused on the ‘hallmarks’ – these are what we consider to be the ‘markings’ of a relationship such as sleeping together over an extended period of time, having things in common, great sex,
a ‘connection’, ‘chemistry’, future talk, being introduced to people, etc.,
as well as big ticket commitment items like moving in, babies, marriage. These are nice, great even, to have, but without the 'landmarks', your relationship is all shirt, no trousers.

Many people chase stuff like passion, chemistry and common interests and then wonder why it’s not working. They assume that if these elements are present that the landmarks will automatically follow.

The landmarks of healthy relationships are intimacy, consistency, balance, progression, and commitment, as well as shared values and what should come as standard in any relationship – love, care, trust, and respect.

If you have the hallmarks without the landmarks, your relationship is either casual and/or unhealthy. Before you go doing any big ticket commitment items, I suggest you make sure that the landmarks
are present first.

As individuals, we each have our own agenda which caters to taking care of our self-esteem with boundaries and healthy beliefs, as well as our values that tell us what we believe are the most important things for us to live authentically and happily.

We use dating as a discovery phase to discover the facts about one another and ultimately whether we can have a shared agenda that respects each party healthily as individuals, while creating a
common journey for the relationship.

Healthy relationships have co-pilots steering them along with open discussion about the joint agenda as well as all of the landmarks –
no hidden agendas. You will steer and plot your journey together
and even if at times, one has to man the steering, they continue with
the joint agenda. These are mutually fulfilling relationships.

Unhealthy relationships and casual relationships
have a driver and a passenger.

The driver steers the relationship on their terms, agenda, and ‘route’.
They may have a solo agenda that they’re open about and/or may have
a hidden agenda. They’re sometimes egotistical enough to assume
that their agenda is the joint agenda because it’s what they want.

You will know you’re involved with a driver if you attempt to co-pilot
and meet restrictions and conflict – they take a parachute and jump,
or pull up on the route to say that they need to go to the ‘toilet’ and then disappear. Or maybe they’ll steer the relationship so crazily that you
panic and agree to let them be in control. You get the gist?

Drivers are about getting their needs met. They often need a passenger for their ego etc, but they don’t want to step up and put
the needed effort into a co-piloted relationship – they’re controlled
and often controlling.

Passengers basically take a backseat in the relationship. They tend to
get swept up in other people’s agendas because they’re not as street smart (read: relationship smart) as they should be. They may actually be on this journey because through a lack of boundaries and latching onto the hallmarks of a relationship, they were not paying attention to code red and amber behavior.

They will tack on to the drivers agenda assuming that this is what
‘love’ is about, so they end up not living congruently with their own
boundaries and values.

Many passengers however, actually know the driver’s agenda
and hope to change it. They think if they love enough, get the driver to change, cry, beg, plead, wait, or give them their money, that the driver will become a co-pilot and they’ll have a joint agenda. Passengers with very low self-esteem look to others to create their agenda for them and give them validation. When the relationship ends, they feel lost.

Passengers tend to have hidden agendas even though they
won’t always admit it. Sometimes the agenda is about changing the relationship (could be a mix of playing Florence Nightingale and trying to be the exception to the rule, or I Can Change Them), but it’s also often about catering to the self-fulfilling prophecy of negative and unrealistic beliefs.

Sometimes passengers try to be drivers or backseat drivers and get shot down. When they end the relationship or they get back together after the driver has promised that things will be different ‘this time’, they may actually feel like the driver.

In some instances, it can seem like it’s passenger/passenger – in effect, you’re both really messed up together, but you will find that under those layers, someone is actually the driver.

Most drivers and passengers are trying to be drivers – they have ‘ideas’ about how they want the relationship to be and try to steer it that way. There are some passengers who actually want to take a backseat role
and may be inclined to be victims or helpless.

Passengers and drivers have unhealthy relationship habits and are invariably emotionally unavailable, so until they address their issues, being a co-pilot in a mutually fulfilling healthy relationship is unlikely because they are not prepared to be honest and vulnerable enough to
risk a joint agenda. They forget that in a healthy relationship, each party is sharing the risk of being vulnerable to healthily emotionally engage and be authentic in the best interests of their own sense of self AND the relationship.

I’ve written before about why relationships don't always work out. Often, it’s because you are two potentially compatible people who may
be doing stuff that’s counterproductive. And that eventually ends up making you both incompatible, or because you’re actually incompatible, whether it’s because you’re two great people with different agendas due to your values, etc. or because it’s an unhealthy relationship.

It’s important to recognize that addressing issues in relationships needs to be co-piloted, too – you can’t work at something where another person has their foot out the door, has already moved on, or is in denial. When you leave a relationship that isn’t working for you, it’s because you recognize that your agendas cannot be a joint one.

If you want to establish a relationship on a good footing or quickly determine if you have a ‘driver’ on your hands, do not accept the default role of passenger. Rather, take an active role in shaping your relationship with partners. If you discover you’re involved with a driver, don’t burn up your life fuel trying to sort out what you think are their problems – address the issues that make you a passenger first.

In some instances, when you change, the driver may adapt as well.
But, you’re also likely to find that the relationship is no longer attractive because your mentality [perspective – rbd] has changed.

Basically always seek to be
a co-pilot with a co-pilot.

That is Relationships in a Nutshell.

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

  

Love and. . . Its Opposite

The Opposite of Love

(An Article by Jo Hilder)

I remember a few years ago there was a discussion in Christian circles about exactly what the opposite of love could be. If people are not being kind and loving, what exactly were they doing instead? What do they need to stop doing so they can start being loving, as we all know God is loving? What stops Christians, and those who aren’t Christians, from loving their neighbors, and anyone else in their world for that matter? What is this
key that might help Christians carry out 1John 4:7 – Let us love one another, for love comes from God – so we could potentially stop wars, cure poverty and just generally help people get along? The rest of this scripture actually tells us that everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Love makes us like Him, because He IS Love. Surely if we just did the opposite of whatever was preventing us from loving, we’d be heading in the right direction?

We’d all been assuming for ages that the opposite of love was hate. But then someone pointed out that you can hate someone and love someone at the same time, and that you can demonstrate hating behaviors directly towards someone you profess love for and vice versa. And we knew it was in fact possible to hold onto ones hate for someone or something and give all the outward appearances of love, or even to love just one sort of person and hate another sort for quite arbitrary reasons, if there were sufficient incentive to do so. So we stopped saying love and hate were opposites anymore, and resolved to just accept that in certain circumstances sometimes hating was unavoidable, and love impossible.

So after that, they said the opposite of love must be fear, because we only hate what we are afraid of, and once we know all about something and don’t fear it any more we are able to love it. For example, Christians were encouraged to learn about and understand varying religious practices and sexual expressions in the hope that this would lead to greater capacity to love the people engaged in them. But unfortunately, ‘others’ remained ‘others’ despite everything we knew about them, the only difference being that Christians now knew more about the people they hated and could object to them in more personal and informed ways than ever was previously possible. Fear, it seemed, could not be eradicated by love, but fear could be useful in helping us work out who God’s enemies were.

But then someone else said, no, it’s not fear that’s the opposite of love, it’s is actually indifference. And we all went “yeah…”, because we could
all relate to being on the receiving end of someone else’s total lack of positive regard, or any regard whatsoever, be it positive or negative. We appreciated that what people aren’t aware of, they can’t have any feelings toward – they can’t love what they don’t acknowledge. Christians understood indifference – we experienced it when we tried to tell the
world they were all dying in their sin and going to hell, and then refused
to come to church or know and appreciate our Lord and Savior.  

We were also well versed ourselves in demonstrating indifference toward people or issues we had no vested interest in changing or improving, or where we could effect no change favorable to our cause. We all agreed indifference had to be at the opposite end of the spectrum from love. The absence of any feeling or sentiment, empathy or interest in the other, whether feigned or inadvertent, surely had to be the opposite of what Jesus had in mind, except in the cases where one deliberately maintained one’s innocence, ignorance or naivety for reasons of maintaining good mental health or physical safety. We couldn’t be held responsible for loving those we went out of our way to avoid ever coming across in the first place.

Time has passed. The world is changing. Love in all its forms is needed now more than ever before. The older I get, the more I understand that the world, and by the world I mean the earth and all the people on it, has some fairly significant problems, and that I am one of them. I can tell you what I hate and what I’m afraid of, even though I know Christ teaches me to love, and tells me that love comes from God. I think about the pressing social issues in my part of the world and wonder at my own capacity for indifference when it comes to solving these issues, or even being part of the solution. I search for smiles. I stare into the blank expressions of the people around me in the street, and I think, surely, we are all as capable
of love, even small expressions of it, small acts of kindness, as we are of indifference, of fear, of hate?

There is no opposite of love. There is love, and you do, or you do not. It’s within us to do it, all the time, to everyone.  It’s how we were made. When it comes to how we were made to love, the gears work only in one direction, but at various speeds, including not at all if we so choose.
They don’t go backward. There’s no opposite to love. Hate, fear and indifference are different sets of gears, and let’s face it, running all your gears at once is exhausting; no wonder we pick only the ones that require least resistance. Hate and fear each pull from their own momentum, but move quickly once they get going; they feed off each other. Indifference gets busy and greases those gears. But love needs someone out
front to throw the propeller before it can even get off the ground. With love, you’re the mechanic, the pilot the navigator and the passenger. Love is harder work, but takes you much further, and
the view is better.

Why do we overcomplicate things? Does it help us in actually practicing love to think love has opposites? Or does it merely justify our own reasons for not doing it, or provide the ammunition to aim at someone else we think should be? I have been the recipient of an act of love perpetrated
by someone who lacks the capacity to tie their own shoes, directed at me for no other reason than I was present in the room. It’s not quantum physics. But maybe that’s where we go wrong.  Maybe it is. I mean, how many people in this world really get quantum physics? When you think about it, it apparently explains everything, but hardly anybody actually understands it.

If fear, hate and indifference figure anywhere in the love equation, it’s perhaps only to demonstrate what poor excuses they make for not doing it. The propensity for fear, hate and indifference to the plight of others might not indicate so much a lack of acting upon a motivation to love, but perhaps more a sign of a lack of being loved. If a fearful person were properly loved, would they be so afraid? If a hateful person were properly loved, might they be less threatened by the society of others? If an indifferent person were properly loved, might they be more willing to see the world through others eyes, on purpose?

Love is not so much the opposite of fear, hate and indifference as it is
the cure for it. People who are properly loved will not be afraid, hateful
or naive, and it’s our mission as Christians to love one another, because love comes from God. When we have learned how to be
loved properly by God ourselves, through Christ, we will release love’s alternatives, and seek to practice it at every opportunity. Our mission surely then as professors and disciples of Christ is to do what He did. Love people. And do it properly.

http://burnsidewriters.com/2011/11/04/the-opposite-of-love/

 

Understanding Poor Communication

10 Reasons You Can’t Say How You Feel

(Sharing an Article by John M. Grohol, Psy.D.)

Here at 1HeartMatters, our primary focus is to help others develop and maintain Healthy & Healing Relationships through our sharing of insightful articles from various sources and authors. Many of the articles we post have come to our attention through our own personal life experiences and trials that we’ve had the opportunity, and Blessing, to encounter. But sometimes, to be able to see trials as “Blessings” is just a deeper part
of the Journey. And in reality, each of us needs to be willing to "go there and look at our own stuff."

Still, when we encounter difficulties in relationships, it's often easy to see those situations as “problems or obstacles.” But in my own Journey, I’ve come to have a different viewpoint. By Grace, I’ve been learning how to view those things as “opportunities” – to learn about myself, about my partner and, ideally, as an opportunity to learn how to Love others Unconditionally, and how to Forgive from the Heart.

Now honestly in my own relationships, I guess I could say things like,
“I SHOULD have done (or said) this,” or perhaps even, “I SHOULD NOT have done (or said) that.” But the reality is. . . I did or maybe didn’t do the “right thing” and now look at the consequences. And, that’s just part of accepting the reality of life. But also from an emotional and Healing perspective, it’s just not healthy for us to do that (“shoulding”)
to others or to ourselves. Just ask anyone who’s ever participated in an
AA Program.  

Ideally, with the help of a few friends, I’ve also been learning how to turn the “Shoulds and Should Not’s” into. . . WISHES. When we’re able to say “I wish. . .” then there’s always Hope. And if we’re able to learn from our past mistakes, then perhaps those mistakes were exactly what we needed to go through – to get to a better place.  And that doesn’t make those past mistakes “right.” Just, perhaps, necessary in securing our “desire to get well.”

My Hope is that by sharing much of the information that we do, that we can actually help to improve some of our personal relationships – before it’s too late. Paying attention to our own hearts, as well as the hearts of our partners, can help secure Healthy & Healing Relationships for all of us. And ideally, “I’ve wished” I had known some of these things earlier in my life. But that’s okay – because there’s always Hope for the future. And, in God I Trust. . .

R Butch David

10 Reasons You Can’t Say How You Feel
(By John M. Grohol, Psy.D.)

Not everyone finds expressing their feelings easy or having it come naturally. While the stereotype is that men have the hardest time expressing their emotions, everyone at one time or another in their life may find it difficult to say how they feel.

Learning why you have trouble expressing your feelings can go a long way into changing that behavior. Saying how you feel is something you can learn how to do, just as readily as you can learn how to fix a faucet or mend a button on a shirt. Here are ten common reasons why people find it difficult to express their emotions to someone else:

1. Conflict Phobia

You are afraid of angry feelings or conflicts with people. You may
believe that people with good relationships should not engage in verbal “fights” or intense arguments. In addition, you may believe that disclosing your thoughts and feelings to those you care about would result in
their rejection of you. This is sometimes referred to as the “ostrich phenomenon” – burying your head in the sand instead of
addressing relationship problems.

2. Emotional Perfectionism

You believe that you should not have feelings such as anger, jealousy, depression, or anxiety. You think you should always be rational and in control of your emotions. You are afraid of being exposed as weak and vulnerable. You believe that people will belittle or reject you if they know how you really feel.

3. Fear of Disapproval and Rejection

You are so terrified by rejection and ending up alone that you would rather swallow your feelings and put up with some abuse than take the chance of making anyone mad at you. You feel an excessive need to please people and to meet what you perceive to be their expectations. You are afraid that people would not like you if you expressed your thoughts
and feelings.

4. Passive-Aggressive Behavior

You pout and hold your hurt or angry feelings inside instead of
disclosing what you feel. You give others the silent treatment,
which is inappropriate, and a common strategy to elicit feelings
of guilt (on their part).

5. Hopelessness

You are convinced that your relationship cannot improve no matter what you do. You may feel that you have already tried everything and nothing works. You may believe that your spouse (or partner) is just too stubborn and insensitive to be able to change. These positions represent a self-fulfilling prophecy – once you give up, an established position of hopelessness supports your predicted outcome.

6. Low Self-Esteem

You believe that you are not entitled to express your feelings or to ask others for what you want. You think you should always please other people and meet their expectations.

7. Spontaneity

You believe that you have the right to say what you think and feel when you are upset. (Generally, feelings are best expressed during a
calm and structured or semi-structured exchange.) Structuring your communication does not result in a perception that you are “faking” or attempting to inappropriately manipulate others.

8. Mind Reading

You believe that others should know how you feel and what you need (although you have not disclosed what you need). The position that individuals close to you can “divine” what you need provides an excuse
to engage in non-disclosure, and thereafter, to feel resentful because people do not appear to care about your needs.

9. Martyrdom

You are afraid to admit that you are angry, hurt, or resentful because you do not want to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing that her or his behavior is unacceptable. Taking pride in controlling your emotions and experiencing hurt or resentment does not support clear and functional communication.

10. Need to Solve Problems

When you have a conflict with an individual (i.e., your needs are not being met), avoiding the associated issues is not a functional solution. Disclosing your feelings and being willing to listen to the other person, without judgment, is constructive.

www. psychcentral.com/lib/2009/10-reasons-you-cant-say-how-you-feel/

Emotional Abandonment in Relationships

How to Avoid the “Shut-Out”

(By Dr. Dave Currie and Glen Hoos)

It’s a complaint I hear quite regularly from people looking for help for their marriages – “I feel distant from my spouse.” “I try to get my husband to open up, but instead he just shuts down.” “My wife just doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. I feel like we’re a million miles apart.” “I don’t know if I love him (her) anymore.”

What we’re talking about here is emotional abandonment. Instead
of physically leaving the relationship, your spouse simply checks out emotionally. They stop investing in the marriage, leaving their mate feeling detached and unwanted. To the outside world the situation can still look rosy, but in reality the relationship is dying a slow, quiet death.

How does a marriage reach this point? Sometimes it’s a slow slide into complacency, and other times it’s a little more sudden. Realize that
if it’s a sudden abandonment, there likely is some precipitating event or incident between the two of you that needs to be resolved. On the other hand, if the deterioration has been more gradual, there are probably a lot
of little things that have gone unresolved and are taking their toll on the relationship.

Here are some of the specific, primary causes of emotional distance between mates:

1.       Unforgiveness. Emotional abandonment is unforgiveness taken to
its extreme conclusion. When we feel that our spouse has hurt
us and we refuse to forgive them, we look for ways to protect ourselves from being hurt again in the future. Closing off our heart from the other person is an easy way to do this, but it has deadly consequences. Unforgiveness always leads to isolation. Overcoming unforgiveness requires a willingness to humble ourselves and seek forgiveness when we have hurt our spouse. It also requires that we be willing to graciously extend forgiveness when our spouse has hurt us. This forgiveness step is based on a desire to re-unite.

2.       Callous Treatment. When I am careless in how I treat my spouse,
it gets old really quickly. Whether it’s being discourteous, or unkindness, or something worse, it creates a hurt that may start out small, but can grow into deep wounds as it festers over time. To avoid this, each partner needs to look at their own behavior regularly and consider whether they are treating their spouse well.
A mate, above all people, needs to be treated with gentleness and respect. Remember, your spouse is a gift to you, and they deserve to be treated as something precious.

3.       Lack of Effort. Sometimes the problem is a little less obvious than unforgiveness or harsh treatment. It is easy, especially for men, to
just assume that the relationship is going along just fine, and so we don’t put in as much effort as we once did. We start to take our spouse for granted, leading them to think that they are not important in our lives. When the marriage slips from being one of the top priorities in the heart of one or both spouses, the other person feels abandoned. This causes them to feel unwanted and then to withdraw into their own world.

4.       Lack of Time. Many of us simply try to pack too much into a day. Ruled by the urgent, we fail to make time for the truly important: things like romancing, talking about issues and really developing
a friendship with our spouse. We stay constantly busy, erasing “quality couple times” from our schedules. A marriage relationship cannot thrive if our contact with one another is limited to a quick bite of supper or a brief chat before bed. A good marriage requires weekly face-to-face time – both talk and fun.

5.       Fear of Talking through Issues. Emotional detachment does not just happen out of the blue; there is always something behind it. If one or both of the spouses has an inability or fear of talking through the issues in their relationship, then this kind of disconnect will be the likely result. Usually both know there is something wrong, but they are hesitant to bring it up because they fear their spouse’s reaction. Or perhaps they feel like they’ve been through this before and it hasn’t helped, so why bother? In these cases, there needs to be a clear second look at what it means to resolve conflict in a marriage – how to have a “good fight,” as it were, that really bring things to resolution. Without these skills, and a real courage to step up and deal with problems, the emotional distance will just continue to grow.

6.       Living in Denial. A lot of times, when things have started to go
a bit sideways in the relationship, we don’t want to admit that it’s happening. Often the person truly needing to make some significant changes is most content to deny the existence
of any real issues. We kind of live in denial, as if it’s not really happening, or it’s not that bad, or things will get better in time. But living in denial doesn’t fix things; it only causes the marriage
to deteriorate to the point where the couple just does not feel close anymore.

Working Through Emotional Distance

The first step to dealing with emotional abandonment is to identify the root cause and to begin to deal with it. Don’t settle for living in isolation. Ask God for more in your marriage and then trust Him as you faithfully try to make changes. Here are some suggestions for re-establishing a loving connection with your spouse:

1.       Agree to Talk – At some point you have to agree to talk about the problems that exist between you. If you’re going to resolve issues, there needs to be a mutual commitment to listen to the other person’s concerns and to work towards improving the situation. Don’t corner your spouse with an unexpected lecture, but set a time and agree to start to work through your issues.

2.       Be Prepared – Before you have the talk, take the time separately
to think through the unresolved issues that you’ll be discussing.
What are your concerns in the relationship? In what areas do you feel you need to improve? What are your expectations of your spouse?
To put your thoughts down on paper may be best, but either way, be prepared to be open and honest with each other about the real issues between you. Be sure to take the time to really listen to what your spouse is saying. Give each other uninterrupted time to share your view on things.

3.       Be Direct but Gentle – Neither of you has anything to gain by holding back your true feelings. Remember that unresolved issues lie at the heart of emotional detachment. So lay all your cards out on the table by sharing your hurts clearly. Don’t allow things to get out of hand. Be committed to talk through things sensibly. Take breaks to cool it if necessary, but agree to continue. Ask each other the tough questions, and talk through the difficult issues that have been eating away at your relationship. Regardless of which partner initiated the wrong, you both need [to be willing - rbd] to work at resolving the problem.

4.       Begin to Meet Unmet Needs – Often a person pulls back from the relationship because, in their mind, their needs are not being met.
A healthy marriage demands that both partners actively work
to discern the needs of their spouse, and work to meet those needs. Seek to understand your spouse’s needs and ask yourself how you can start to better express love by meeting these needs. Make your spouse and sorting things out your new priority.

5.       DEAL WITH YOUR OWN STUFF – If I am feeling abandoned by my spouse, I need to ask myself a tough question: What have I done to drive my spouse away? Now it may not be only your responsibility. Nevertheless, you have to find out what you are responsible
for and take ownership for your actions. Really listen to your spouse. Of course, there are things that your mate needs to deal with, and they may be withdrawing from you for selfish reasons, but that can’t stop you from taking the steps that you know you need to take. Both parties must be prepared to make apologies and extend forgiveness as part of your recovery from the emotional detachment.

6.       Intentionally Re-Engage – If you are to re-establish your emotional connection, it won’t happen by accident and it won’t happen overnight. You need to agree to make your relationship a priority and spend some quality time together. Plan a few dates and put each other in your schedules. It’s time to re-enter one another’s lives again.

7.       Act Kindly – This may not be a revolutionary new idea, but it can have that kind of an effect on your marriage. You must act kindly toward your spouse. Small gestures of warmth, acts of kindness, and efforts to rekindle the romance between you will go a long way toward renewing your bond with one another. Do this from the heart with real commitment to make the necessary changes.

8.       Love Unconditionally – Somebody has to break out of the negative cycle of eye-for an eye, poor treatment for poor treatment. You need
to step out of the insult-for-insult cycle and respond differently. You cannot control your spouse’s behavior, but you can control your own. Regardless of how your spouse responds, you must choose to treat them with love. This is not easy to do when your partner is not reciprocating, but it is what you vowed to do when you promised to love each other “for better or for worse.” And nothing breaks down emotional barriers like unconditional love.

9.       Allow God to Work – I’m going to challenge you to ask God to change you. God wants your best and He’ll always be ready to take full responsibility for any life that is totally surrendered to Him. That also includes re-engaging with your spouse and getting attached in love again. God wants that and He will guide you in that, if you’ll allow Him to.

We all [each of us, individually - rbd] have issues we need to
work through in our relationships. Whether your problems stem from bitterness, unforgiveness, dishonesty, lack of kindness, unfaithfulness, or something else, God offers you His power to enable you to live in a way that honors Him. There’s no doubt in my mind that God wants your marriage to work and that you desire to have warmth and a close connection with your spouse. That’s His design. Let’s go after it.

www.powertochange.com/experience/sex-love/disengagedspouse/

P.S. Ideally, as we come to develop and exercise these principles in our relationships, it might be a good idea to consider "giving each other a break." Compassion, Understanding, Love and Forgiveness can go a long way, and after all, like the song says. . .
I hope you enjoy the short Music Video - R Butch David