Contentment Vs. Complacency

Taking Another Look At: "I Can Do ALL Things..."

Sharing an Article from Author Keith Giles

Before we get to the article, I remember it was back in March of 1995. . . 

For my birthday, I received a beautiful framed picture which simply said,  

"I can do ALL THINGS through CHRIST who strengthens me." Soon afterward, I hung the picture in my music studio. It was a reminder that God would somehow help me accomplish my dreams, plans and goals in life. Now, we all know that life is seldom without challenges. Still, I felt this was a real sign that I'd be given the strength and ability to take on most anything – and succeed. Over the next several years, life seemed to go pretty well for me and I accomplished quite a bit. And, life goes on. . .

Thirteen years later, I found myself experiencing some rather overwhelming events and circumstances in my life, some of which were brought on by the unhealed hurts of my past. I’m sure that many of us have had similar life-experiences (storms). I'd been struggling for quite a few years and now the world seemed to be “crashing-in” around me – emotionally, relationally and financially. Many of the hopes, dreams and plans I had appeared to be shattered. At the same time with all of that happening, my dog Rudy died and then my mom passed on. And, all of those things happened within six months. As Joe Pesci said in the movie My Cousin Vinnie. . . "I REALLY don't need this right now – Is there ANYTHING ELSE we can possibly pile on to affect the outcome of this [my] situation?"

Perhaps, "Life" is just life and it's really all about
what we are LEARNING in the process.

The testing of our Faith is really about what’s going on within our hearts, and not so much about what’s happening in our external world. However, I’ve come to experience that God will use whatever circumstances and whomever He wants to bring us to His place of Healing – ideally, to the place of truly knowing Christ. As a good friend recently reminded me, "When the student is willing [to learn] – the Teacher is ready."

Maybe without storms, we'd never appreciate the sunshine. Maybe without a serious drought, we would never really appreciate the rain. And maybe without our heartfelt wounds, we really wouldn't have a need to be healed. It would seem that Transformation is often a difficult thing. Fortunately, Jesus specializes in difficulties and in the Healing of our broken hearts – 
if that is what we truly desire (?). It appears that God often allows things 
to happen and creates "a need" within us, before He can willingly fill it.

These days, I'm feeling and am doing much better – perhaps better 

than I ever have in my whole life. I’ve come to accept some real changes 

in my life since those seemingly overwhelming events occurred, and to accept some things that I cannot change. I’m also experiencing a certain "Peace & Joy" that comes from within. That special gift from 16-years ago now hangs in my dining room. I spend a good amount of my time there, often in prayer, sharing my inmost thoughts and feelings with God. I've also received a majority of Christ's Healing for those broken places in my heart, right there in my dining room. And, that beautiful picture is there as a reminder of God's enduring love and strength – even for me.

Sometimes, the "I can do all things. . ." part
isn't about what we can accomplish on our personal
"To-Do List" in life, with Christ – Rather, it may be about
what we can bear and overcome, by His Grace.  

I hope that in your Journey, you can appreciate the "personal clarity"
that author Keith Giles provides in the following article. It made me think that by God's Grace, "Yeah, I might actually be just startin' to get it - maybe at least for a couple of minutes now." It would often seem that "Christ's High-Way" is actually a rather Low-Road. . . indeed, a truly Narrow Path.

"For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it.”  (Luke 9:24)

With His Peace and Hope for You,

R Butch David

(Here's a short video with a beautiful song about life, changes and hope.)

CONTENTMENT VS. COMPLACENCY 

(By Keith Giles*) 

". . . For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.
I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."  (Phil 4:11-13) 

I think for most of my life I have confused contentment with complacency. The differences are obvious, of course, but somehow I've missed the point of what Paul speaks of in Phillipians 4 when he says he has "learned the secret of being content in any and every situation."

A quick summary of complacency is - "Stop caring and you'll feel a whole lot better."

Most of my life I've found myself falling back on this mantra whenever things don't go my way or life offers up one of those unwanted surprises. My reaction has often been to pull back from whatever is causing me pain and to retreat emotionally, if not physically. Someone hurts me, I ignore them. Someone insults me, I make up my mind never to talk to them again. Someone injures my pride, I begin to cut them off from the part of myself that once cared about them.

Of course, this reaction is in direct conflict with the instructions 
that we've received from Jesus. He tells those of us who intend to follow Him that whenever someone insults us we should bless them. When someone hurts us, we're to pray for them. When someone injures our pride, we're meant to humble ourselves 
and forgive them anyway.

This is where following Jesus becomes more than difficult, it begins to seem flat out impossible. I just don't have that in me. At least not right away. I may be able to forgive someone who insults me after a few weeks, or months, but not instantly. My ability to forgive is hindered by my need to justify myself. Sometimes, as strange as it sounds, I feel the need to hang on to the pain longer than necessary. I suppose to justify my own sense of injustice or to make sure that the other person can see just how deeply they've hurt me - and perhaps increase their sense of guilt over what they've done to someone as innocent and kind as me - I allow my wounds to fester and I withhold forgiveness.

What would it look like for me to really respond in love to someone when they insult me or injure me? I wonder if I can actually learn to follow Jesus in this way and turn the other cheek instead of harboring anger and resentment as long as possible before I allow myself to forgive.

When Paul talks about contentment, he's speaking of trusting God so completely that nothing can shake him. His peace is not dependent
upon his circumstance. His confidence in God is not changed by the environment he's in. He is fully resting on God and his joy is not influenced by what people say about him or how much money is in his pocket.

Many of us are fond of quoting the very end of this passage in Phillipians.
I know that when I was a teenager this was my life verse: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phillipians 4:13)

I used to believe that verse meant that, whatever I wanted to happen for
my life, God would make it happen if I just had enough faith. Instead, the verse is saying the exact polar opposite. It's saying that God will give me the faith and the strength I need to be happy and content with whatever circumstance I find myself in.

A better paraphrase might me: "I can endure anything life throws at me, even if I never get my way or live out my dreams, because the power of Jesus lives in me and all of my hope is in Him alone."

Lately I've been wrestling against my own complacent attitudes. I've wanted to pull away from everyone and everything that causes 
me pain. I've withheld forgiveness from people who've hurt my feelings, instead of letting go and asking Jesus to give me the Grace to Love and Forgive.

Paul's words here are compelling because they suggest to me that there is a secret I need to learn; That is, HOW to be content in every situation. But, to learn that secret I first have to abandon my own philosophy of complacency and emotional retreat.

*Keith Giles is an author, blogger and freelance copywriter in Orange County, California. WHAT IS SUBVERSIVE? It’s a systematic overthrow of one system or power by those working from within. Jesus said the Kingdom of God was immediately accessible to all who follow Him. 

This is the Gospel message. This is subversive.

www.subversive1.blogspot.com

Reconcilable Differences - A Fairy Tale?

Often... But Sometimes, It Actually DOES Happen

A Brief Excerpt from the following article – Reconcilable Differences:

For Mark, feelings of abandonment and shame crept in.
"I drifted away from church and God and everyone I knew," he says.
"In fact, I blamed Him for everything; after all, He was the one who
allowed me to be born into such a dysfunctional family.
And, He allowed my relationship with Liz to unravel. . ." 

Staring at the walls of his one-room apartment was a turning 

point in Mark's life. "I remembered a story in John 5, where 

Jesus heals an invalid. He asks the man, 'Do you want to get well?'
At that moment, I felt God asking the same of me. 'Yes!' "

Recently, I published an article from the Focus on the Family website.
Myself and others in the Transformational Healing Community felt that 

the article, titled “Forgiveness and Restoration,” clearly fell short of “Forgiveness from the Heart” as Jesus taught. However, my intent in publishing the article and my feelings concerning it were not, in any way, intended as a criticism of the Focus on the Family Ministry.

In fairness to Focus on the Family, I wanted to publish another article 
I found on their website. I thought it was an EXCELLENT testimony of 
truth and reality. In reading it, I found some amazing similarities to what I experienced in my second marriage, which unfortunately ended in divorce – due to “Irreconcilable Differences.” In particular from the article, I noted the effects that our past hurts can have on our current relationships. That is to say, why we do things, act a certain way and relate to others, given our personal history of unhealed wounds and experiences in life.

In my own past woundedness, I used to be a very “Black and White” person. I was trained that way as a child and unfortunately, that training continued with my early experiences in the “Institutional Church.” Truly, I'm not "blaming" anyone in particular, but that WAS my experience. I was taught that things were either “right or wrong” in the world and all I came to know was. . . The Law. I know now that Grace was simply something that didn’t exist in my (wounded) color palette – and neither did it exist in my heart or in my personal life. I didn’t feel or know “Grace” and neither could I extend it to others. Perhaps, we simply can’t give to others that which we don’t have (or feel) within ourselves. 

Unfortunately as time went on, the past unhealed wounds to my heart continued to fester and the infection grew. Although I could put on a "happy face" or be quite "professional" (charming?) when I needed or wanted to, the true condition of my broken heart was still evident, both in my countenance and my demeanor with others – especially those who were closest to me. Sometimes when people are in the process of "crashing" (being broken), you can just see it in their face, hear it in their words and feel it through their actions. No judgment intended, rather, you can just tell by acute observations.

Since being on my Healing Journey with Christ for three years now, I’ve come to understand that God’s Grace (perhaps “Grey-ce") is a bit more multi-colored – like in a rainbow or in life itself. I’ve come to accept that 

in “all things” (other than God, Himself) there can be “Meat and Bones.” Regardless of the source, whether it's Christian or secular, there can be something of value and something of worthlessness, as well. Ideally, I’ve learned that it’s best to bring all things to God and have Him show me

His Truth. However, I’ve also come to accept that we need to learn to “listen with our hearts,” as that is where Christ lives in us. To quote the movie The Peaceful Warrior: “Sometimes you have to lose your mind – before you can come to your senses.” (The Mind and Heart of Christ)

Fortunately, God is NOT surprised by what we do or how things turn out 

in our individual lives or relationships. As the “Author of Life” (literally, the Playwright and Director), God is not looking at our individual lives 
right now and saying, “Wait a minute - that is NOT supposed to be happening (to you)!  I’m looking at Page-167 in the 'PLAY OF YOUR LIFE' and you weren’t supposed to do that!” 

Again, God is simply NOT surprised - at all. 

He knows us all too well, from beginning to end, 

and His Love and willingness to Heal us is as 

consistent as Christ’s “knocking on our door.”

I hope you enjoy the following article. Despite the ups-and-downs in my own personal Journey, I’ve come to accept that God IS still in control and Christ has NOT left His Throne. . .  Jesus simply doesn’t need a vacation.

May You Experience True Grace and His Healing in Your Journey,

R Butch David

Reconcilable Differences: A Real-Life Fairy Tale

(A True Story by Tanya Price – From Focus on the Family)

The clock struck 12 in this couple's fairy tale marriage, and the glamour vanished. How could theirs be a happy ending?

"The day our marriage broke into a million pieces, I was sure no one could ever glue it back together," Liz Mannenbach says. "Not even God."

Theirs had been a fairy-tale existence, a time when lifelong dreams were becoming reality. Mark had just begun his pediatric residency, and rumor had it he would be named chief resident. Liz, his high-school sweetheart turned wife, was pregnant with their second child. They lived in a nice home in a comfortable Milwaukee suburb and were active members of 
their church. But as with Cinderella, the clock in their fairy tale struck 12, and the glamour vanished.

Once Upon a Time

Marital conflict and discord don't blindside couples out of the blue. Self- protective natures and divisive issues start taking form long before we awake to their existence. And they often begin in childhood.

"My mother was schizophrenic," Mark recalls. "She hallucinated every day and showed no interest in her appearance or health, nor was she under treatment. She also refused to acknowledge that my brother, sister and I were growing up. In fact, it wasn't until I interviewed psychiatric patients during my second year of medical school that I realized my mother was mentally ill! [perhaps just “hurt” like in having a "broken heart" – rd]

"My father was emotionally unavailable. He worked two jobs, one a night shift, and defined himself by his work and paychecks. And that's he how valued his kids. For each A on our report cards, we received a dollar. Any other grade earned nothing. Not surprisingly, I graduated from high school with only one B."

Liz's childhood had been more carefree. Or so it appeared. "My mom stayed home to raise three daughters while Dad worked," she explains. "We enjoyed eating out and lacked little in the way of comforts. On the outside, ours was a happy life.

"But Mom didn't have an identity outside of being 'Mom,' and her resent- ment played out in anger. As the oldest, I thought I had to fix everything, to please everyone and always to look happy." Liz even went to college simply because her parents wanted her to go.

So when Mark completed medical school in 1988, "I had arrived!" Liz says. "I was a doctor's wife. Now we could live the way we wanted to – like my parents did – and even buy a big house. I could stay home with Emily, who was just 3 at the time, become more involved in church and do and have everything I've always wanted."

More than anything, she wanted to be taken care of. Little did she know, that expectation was something Mark simply could not fulfill.

The Demise of Prince Charming

"My ninth-grade science teacher told me my drive to achieve would take me as far as anyone could go," Mark says. And after enduring 80-plus grueling hours each week and occasional 36-hour stretches of sleepless- ness during his internship, he reached that point. Trying to make ends meet and care for his pregnant wife and young daughter were more than he could handle.

"Liz had no idea what my life was like," Mark explains. "She didn't understand our financial situation and why it was putting so much stress on our marriage. And I didn't sit down and tell her."

Never having learned how his needs should be met while growing up, 
Mark looked elsewhere, finding comfort in an on-again-off-again affair with another woman. News of her husband's infidelity crushed Liz. "The one person I loved more than anything – even more than God at times – had betrayed me. He moved out, we separated. I was three months pregnant and now had Emily to raise by myself," she recalls. "I was paralyzed with fear. Plus, my best friend, Mary, had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. I felt like Cinderella after midnight, dressed in rags and all alone 
in a pumpkin patch. It wasn't pretty."

Yet that's precisely where God met both Liz and Mark.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

For Mark, feelings of abandonment and shame crept in. "I drifted away from church and God and everyone I knew," he says. "In fact, I blamed Him for everything; after all, He was the one who allowed me to be born into such a dysfunctional family. And, He allowed my relationship with Liz to unravel." 

Liz, too, faced many emotional ups and downs. In spring 1989, she gave birth to their second daughter, Kate. Then she watched her friend Mary succumb to cancer over the course of the next two years. "Caring for Mary and eventually losing her was so painful, and it required me to seriously examine rooms in my life I never before had entered," she says.

"But my relationship with God began to grow by leaps and bounds.
I realized that no one person can meet another's needs completely – that's the Lord's job. But instead of looking to Him, I had made Mark responsible. God also taught me that life is not a fairy tale, but an intimately detailed story; one that takes time – His time – to tell."

"Working at the hospital was all I had," Mark continues. "Like my father, work defined who I was. No one could tell me how to do it better; in fact,  
I was quick to pass judgment on others.

"Then, despite my protests, one of the attending physicians sent me home on Christmas Day 1990, saying I should be with my family. Never had I felt so alone."

Staring at the walls of his one-room apartment was a turning point in Mark's life. "I remembered a story in John 5, where Jesus heals an invalid. He asks the man, 'Do you want to get well?' At that moment, I felt God asking the same of me. 'Yes!' "

Waking Up to Reality

Another question remained: Would the Mannenbachs' marriage make it? "It had nothing to grow on," Liz says. "No give and take, no nurture, no intimacy. My view of marriage was purely functional – two people having children, not a relationship; in other words, it was just like my parents'. 
I even cooked many of Mother's meals and kept house the same way 
she did."

For two years, the Mannenbachs sought the help of a counselor, as a couple and individually. "Even Emily, young as she was, needed help sorting out all the anger, fear and loss that goes with broken relation- ships," Liz says. "We spent so many hours in counseling," Mark quips, "we qualify for a master's degree in family therapy!"

But toward the end of that time, Liz found herself sitting in their counselor's office with the sinking feeling that the marriage was truly 
over. "I set boundaries with Mark and wouldn't budge, and he didn't easily accept these limitations. I was at the end; the loss and pain were too great," she says. "I also knew God had taken care of me and would continue to do so, whether I was married or not." 

As Mark sat in his apartment that Christmas day in 1990, he also remembered something their counselor had told him: "God loves you 
for who you are, not for what you've done – good or bad. Let Him love you!"

Those words began a long road to mending their marriage, which included a recommitment ceremony in December 1991.

Happily Ever After?

In the years since their reconciliation, the Mannenbachs have grown in their faith and in their relationships with each other and the Lord. The births of two more children, Evan and Ben, have helped cement the entire family. "We are now very aware of how crucial it is for us to leave behind our childhood views and beliefs in order to live a life of committed marriage and service to Christ," Mark says. "There are still many times when the glass slipper just doesn't fit either one of us, but we are still in counseling, working on communication and learning to be vulnerable with each other and with God." 

And often that vulnerability takes them out of their comfort zones. "Ten weeks after Ben was born, we moved from Milwaukee to Rochester, Minn., because we felt God could better use us here," Mark continues. "That wasn't easy for either Liz or me, what with a new baby, new house and new job. But we have learned we need to put God first in our lives and not keep Him out of any part of it – to have a 'with-boots-on' kind of faith. James 1:22-23 says, 'Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.'

"So, I stepped out and did something I knew was not for me. In January 1995, I joined 13 others on a medical missions trip to the Philippines. What an experience! While there, God planted in me a heart of compassion. He reminded me that, much as I'd beg to differ, 
He's the One in complete control." 

Relinquishing that control has led the Mannenbachs to go public with their story, something else which has been neither comfortable nor easy for them. "But Liz and I know there are many others physicians and medical families who face the same or similar circumstances," Mark says. "And they need to know there is hope and possibility, even after obvious sin.

"All through my life, " Mark continues, "I asked, 'Why?' Why was my mother mentally ill? Why didn't Dad pay more attention to me? Why doesn't my wife understand my needs?"

His answer? "For me, and for Liz as well, I believe the reason for our struggles is the same as it was for a blind man Jesus healed. It's not a matter of 'Who sinned?' but that the healing would bring glory to His name."

Copyright © 2000, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/divorce_and_infidelity/forgiveness_and_restoration/reconcilable_differences_a_real_life_fairy_tale.aspx

Who Taught You HOW to Forgive?

"Forgiveness and Restoration". . . Not Exactly

In the words of popular singer-songwriter Don Henley (The Eagles):  

"I've been tryin' to get down, to the HEART of the matter. . . Forgiveness, Forgiveness." Yeah maybe, and then again - maybe not.

Recently, I found an article entitled "Forgiveness and Restoration" 
on the Christian Website, Focus on The Family. Unfortunately as I read through it, I found only a few points that were related to the concept of “Biblical Forgiveness" and NOTHING regarding true "Biblical Restoration.” In fact, I found the article to be a pretty good example of what "Forgiveness and Restoration" ISN'T. And, I felt truly saddened. 

Although appearing in the title, the word “Restoration" is nowhere to 

be found in the entire article.* So I questioned, “WHY” would the following article be under the heading and title of “Forgiveness and Restoration” when it omits ANY mention of Restoration? I've listened to Focus on 
The Family on the radio for years and found the majority of their programs to be very loving and Christ-like. So I ask the question, did someone at Focus on The Family miss something?

“Forgiveness” is more than just a “clinical term” used to relieve our consciences when someone has hurt us. It’s a HeartMatter that ultimately affects our ability to love. . . the way Christ loves us. Forgiveness also affects our ability to HEAL.

I forwarded a copy of the article to Ken Unger (Author and Spiritual Therapist). In Ken’s own words, “Nowhere in the article is there any mention of ‘Heartfelt Forgiveness’ or the healing of emotional wounds.” 

In his healing book The Ultimate Breakthrough, Ken writes:

“One of the key things that holds us back is a misunderstanding about forgiveness. It’s what I call premature forgiveness. We all know we’re 

to forgive those who wronged us. But, I’ve seldom heard forgiveness taught the way Jesus taught it. He said unless we forgive from the heart we won’t be forgiven, and there’s the rub.

“True forgiveness is more than a simple act of the will. It’s a heartfelt release of our judgments against another, and that’s a lot more complicated. . . Unforgiveness is one of the terrible ways we bind 

people on earth. Heartfelt forgiveness is one of the marvelous ways 

we can loose them. If you’re having a hard time forgiving, relax. Ask the Lord for help. Pray for wisdom, work on healing your own pain, and ask Him to enable you to release your judgments. If necessary, talk through the issues with the people who have wronged you. One way or another you’ll eventually be able to forgive them ‘from the heart'.

“How do you know when you’ve done that? If you find yourself saying,  

'I forgive you but I never want to see you again', you haven’t forgiven. Forgiveness is only real when you can sincerely wish the person well who has harmed you. When you can truly bless those who cursed you, then you and they will both be free. . . With God’s help, we can genuinely forgive and be free of our bitterness and resentment.” 

It’s a fact that broken relationships and divorce tend to be increasing, 

even in the “Christian Community” at large. Ultimately, when considering the majority of advice given in the article below, the larger question of  

“Is it any wonder?” comes to the surface. Maybe you’ve received the following “Brand of Forgiveness” from someone in your life – and I bet it  

"it hurt like hell." But, I agree that “God often allows us to have these hurtful experiences so we’ll know how NOT to treat others.”

Granted, I do feel there were a few points in the complete article, regarding forgiveness, that did make sense – especially if the relationship involved physical abuse or other life-threatening circumstances. But considering the article's title, I also feel the general tone was truly lacking, regarding "Forgiveness and Restoration." I've included those particular points 
from the article, which clearly fall short, when it comes to Heartfelt Forgiveness as Jesus taught. And so, I dare ask the question. . . ?

What would it be like for ANY OF US if God was only able and willing to forgive each of us according to the advice given in the following article? My guess is that Heaven would be a pretty lonely and empty place. If we think about it - without Heartfelt Forgiveness, even as Jesus professed while on the Cross, there truly is NO Salvation or Restoration. . . FOR ANY OF US! And, if any of us aren't so sure about that, maybe we should ask Peter (the Apostle) or perhaps the Prodigal Son, or even the woman (or man) caught in adultery.

Without our willingness to bring Christ "into those hurts" to Heal them - 
we have no ability to FORGIVE FROM THE HEART. If we're not willing to FEEL IT, Christ can't HEAL IT. Without Forgiveness - we have no capacity to truly Love. And without Love, relationships simply cannot endure.

On a personal note: Although I admit to knowing nothing of the personal wounds which the author has endured in her life, I genuinely sense a lot 
of pain and woundedness in her heart from unhealed hurts in her past. Whatever wounds she's experienced from others must have hurt real badly. I pray for Christ’s Healing of her broken heart and for Heartfelt Forgiveness in her soul. Maybe sometimes, “We need to forgive others for not being able to forgive us.”

Love Never Fails - Love Always Forgives,  

R Butch David

*The following article, “Forgiveness and Restoration” by Rose Sweet, 

may be viewed in its entirety at the following website link: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/divorce_and_infidelity/forgiveness_and_restoration.aspx

Forgiveness and Restoration

by Rose Sweet

Why Do We Find It So Hard to Forgive?

One reason we resist forgiving is that we don't really understand what forgiveness is or how it works. We think we do, but we don't.

Most of us assume that if we forgive our offenders, they are let off the hook — scot-free — and get to go about their merry ways while we unfairly suffer from their actions. We also may think that we have to be friendly with them again, or go back to the old relationship. While God commands us to forgive others, he never told us to keep trusting those who violated our trust or even to like being around those who hurt us.

The first step to understanding forgiveness is learning what it is and isn't. The next step is giving yourself permission to forgive and forget, letting go of the bitterness while remembering very clearly your rights to healthy boundaries.

Granting Forgiveness

• Forgiveness is not letting the offender off the hook. We can and should still hold others accountable for their actions or lack of actions.
• Forgiveness is returning to God the right to take care of justice. By refusing to transfer the right to exact punishment or revenge, we are telling God we don't trust him to take care of matters.
• Forgiveness is not letting the offense recur again and again. We don't have to tolerate, nor should we keep ourselves open to, lack of respect or any form of abuse.
• Forgiveness is not the same as reconciling. We can forgive someone even if we never can get along with him again.
• We have to forgive every time. If we find ourselves constantly forgiving, though, we might need to take a look at the dance we are doing with the other person that sets us up to be continually hurt, attacked, or abused.
• We don't always have to tell them we have forgiven them. Self-righteously announcing our gracious forgiveness to someone who has not asked to be forgiven may be a manipulation to make them feel guilty. It also is a form of pride.
• Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. It's normal for memories to be triggered in the future. When thoughts of past hurts occur, it's what we do with them that counts. When we find ourselves focusing on a past offense, we can learn to say, "Thank you, God, for this reminder
  of how important forgiveness is."

From A Woman's Guide to Healing the Heartbreak of Divorce, 
published by Hendrickson Publishers, Inc. Copyright © 2001, 
Hendrickson Publishers, Inc.
 

What is Real Love?

A Perspective. . .

Did you ever try to be kind and loving to someone and in return, they seemed to resent, despise or even appear to hate you? I think that at one time or another, many of us have experienced that dilemma in various relationships. I mean, what do you do when you’re purposely being kind and loving to someone and they respond in an unkind and unloving way? Just recently, I watched Mel Gibson's movie The Passion for a second time - I think Jesus had more than a little experience with that. . .

As I look back, I remember a time in my life when some people tried their best to love me in whatever form they felt constituted their love. According to Dr. Gary Chapman, that "Love" might have appeared in the form of "Words, Gifts, Acts of Service, Quality Time, or Physical Touch" (The Five Love Languages). Yet, I now know that because of my previously unhealed emotional wounds – and that is to say, the way I felt about myself “inside” at the time, I really wasn’t able to receive love and kindness from others. . . something about it seemed to "hurt."

It’s been said that “People often treat others the way they ‘truly feel’ about themselves.” Just as when you truly don't feel forgiven or perhaps haven’t forgiven yourself, neither can you forgive others. And when you don’t or can’t love yourself, neither can you truly love others or accept their love. 
I think it boils down to, “You can’t receive (or give) what you don’t have 
or FEEL within you” – that is to say, within your own Heart (your Soul). Heartfelt Forgiveness and Unconditional Love are both a choice. And, "Whoever has been Forgiven of much, can Love much. . ." (paraphrased).

I’ve personally had the recurring experience of "not trying to affect the outcome,” especially in relationships and situations which seem difficult. Rather, I’ve found it’s best to allow God to work things out - after all, “He’s NOT on vacation.” Maybe sometimes, Real Love is about “letting go” and allowing people to decide for themselves whether or not they will receive our love. As always, maybe the best thing to do is just to pray. . .

The following is an internet article with a non-religious (secular) perspective about “Real Love.” Granted in most things, regardless of the source, there can be “Meat and Bones.” Still, I felt there were some very good and true points made in the following article that make sense. And, as Jesus says, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13)

Love Never Fails

R Butch David
 

Real Love

An Article by Colette Dowling, LMSW*

True love is not only hard to find, it’s also hard to tolerate. Such an idea may seem counterintuitive, but if you ponder it long enough to really get it, it could change the way you think about love.

All of us have been wounded in some way, either by early love relationships or later ones. Naturally, we create defenses to avoid 
getting hurt again - but we also maintain defenses against love itself. Why? Because loving responses from others can often cause us anxiety and sadness. Love hurts, as the song goes. So unconsciously we do a little dance to avoid being truly loved. It tilts our world and creates anxiety. Sometimes it’s easier to settle for the illusion. We create fantasy relationships that may have the outward signs of commitment, but which lack the joys and tensions of real love. We don’t have to worry about losing something if we don’t actually have it to begin with.

Or maybe we actually do manage to fall in love. Why is it that romance fades so quickly? Because soon after making the big commitment, we’re busy locking love into a compartment far removed from day-to-day reality. And far removed from the way we actually behave toward the one we at least started out loving. "Internal fantasies of love on the part of one’s mate, without the appropriate external behavioral manifestations, have no value for the recipient other than to disturb his or her reality testing," write Robert Firestone and Joyce Catlett in Fear of Intimacy.

That is, when you’re getting the talk but not getting the behaviors that are supposed to go with it, it can be crazy-making. A discrepancy between claims of love and actual behavior is a definite red flag.

So what is love? Firestone and Catlett offer an eye-opening definition. They describe love as "those behaviors that enhance the emotional well-being, sense of self, and autonomy of both parties". Anyone who claims to love another will behave in certain ways – or else they’re not really in love. True love is about appreciating and respecting the true nature of the other person and supporting his or her personal freedom. It’s not about fixing or changing the other person. It’s not about using the other person for one’s own sense of identity or personal security. Ideally you will have those things in place before you go off and "fall" for someone.

Which brings me to the subject of sexual attraction. Sex, in and of itself, has almost nothing to do with love. You can be dying to go to bed with someone and have no more ability to really love that person than to make a moon landing. Of course, if you really do love someone, ideally you will also be sexually attracted to that person. Mature love requires an integration of emotional attachment and sexual desire. The erotic feelings are an extension of the affection partners feel for one another.

People enter therapy because of their conflicts over love. What they don’t realize, often, is that they are without the capability of truly loving another because they haven’t yet worked out their own identity issues. They’re looking for someone to "complete" them and make them feel whole. That is not the foundation of Real Love.

*Colette Dowling, LMSW, is a writer and a psychotherapist with a practice in New York. She has written many books on psychological issues relevant to women.
  

OVERCOMING REJECTION. . .

"Man, That's GOTTA Hurt!"

In a recent sermon I heard, a pastor asked his congregation, "How many 

of you have NEVER experienced 'rejection' in your life?" Surprisingly, three people in the church raised their hands. His response was, "Well good 
for you. . . now, stand up and the rest of us will give you some - just so you KNOW how it feels!" And as a close friend of mine often says,
"God often allows us to feel these kind of hurts, so we'll know how
NOT to treat others."

Yeah, REJECTION is really quite a BIG DEAL - especially when it occurs in a close, personal and intimate relationship. If that weren't true, than maybe Jesus was just kidding when He cried out those words on the cross. . . "My God, My God, WHY have You forsaken Me?"  Truly, Jesus had (and still has) a very close, personal and intimate relationship with His Father. . . "I and the Father are One." (John 10:30) And, I guess a relationship doesn't get any closer than that.

It would seem, and has been said, that the wounds He bore on our behalf and even the crucifixion itself wasn't what caused Christ to "give up His Spirit" and die for us. Granted, He willingly gave up His life for our salvation - so that we may live. But still, some have preached that is was "His separation from the Father" - that ULTIMATE REJECTION, that caused him the most pain. . . even unto death.

Following is an article about "Overcoming Rejection" which I found on the internet. I truly believe it is God's full intention for each of us who has experienced the potentially devastating effects of rejection to be "brought back to life," just as His Son was. And again, the healing of those rejecting wounds lies in our willingness to "forgive from the heart," 
as Christ forgives us.

Love Never Fails - Love Always Forgives,

R Butch David 

The Most Important Step to Overcoming Rejection 

An Article by Claire Arene, MSW, LCSW*

Rejection creates a feeling of being unwanted which then reduces 
self esteem. The more intimate the relationship in which rejection is experienced, the greater the damage done, and the more challenging 
it can be to overcome the effects.

Although rejection may occur in entirely different spheres of human relationships, it generally conveys the same messages of non-acceptance such as:

• There is something wrong with you.

• You are disliked.

• You will never change.

• You do not belong in this group.

• You are at fault / you did something wrong, or unacceptable.

• You are not one of us.

The ability to subvert the harmful, long lasting effects of being rejected depends on your ability to understand the behavior of the individual who rejects, the way you choose to interpret the messages conveyed by rejection, and how you choose to integrate those messages into your sense of self.

That is right! Your response to rejection, the power it exacts, or does not exact over you is a CHOICE. I hope this article empowers you today by the knowledge that you can be completely unscathed by what is otherwise a very ego damaging experience simply by choosing not to internalize the negative message you have received.

Rejection assigns blame; it is by assigning blame that the party, who is rejecting the other party, is able to feel absolved and free 
of any responsibility to work on the relationship or situation. “You” (what you did, who you are, or what you did not do), is the focus of rejection and the means by which the blame it assigns is expressed.

This is why when coaching clients in effective communication techniques, I generally encourage them to avoid the word “YOU” when issues arise and effective and assertive communication is needed.

To avoid internalizing your experience of rejection, you must proactively make a choice to face your fears, as well as express and share your experience no matter how shameful. In doing so, you reduce your feeling of aloneness. As you face your fears, and share the emotions provoked by your experience, you are sure to encounter others with similar stories… maybe worse. This is very vital in “turning the tide” of being rejected, suddenly your focus shifts from you, and what you may, or may not have done, to the knowledge that rejection is just an experience like any other negative experience. It is not about you, because if it was, there would not be so many others with similar stories, or worse.

Is rejection ever justified? In my opinion, this would be similar 
to asking if it is ever justified to blame, fault-find, or condemn. Rejection begins with and ends by identifying the faults in the other party. It never acknowledges the strengths, the untapped potential, or change-ability of the individual. It is not an expression of loyalty, and contributes nothing to a relationship except to absolve the person blaming from any responsibility to engage in problem solving or remain loyal.

For anyone dealing with rejection, it is frequently not what was done, 
but how it was done, what was said, and how the entire situation played out that ultimately results in that sense of unworthiness. To overcome feeling rejected, you must detach yourself from these memories of your experience and instead attach yourself to the reality of your unknown potential.

How do you stop feeling that you earned the rejection you received because of some fault in your personality, or deficiencies in your physical attributes, or because you could not be all you were expected to be? Here is a little exercise: jot down on a piece of paper, all the reasons for which you suspect, or maybe have even been told, that you were not worthy of love or acceptance. Which of these reasons detract from the uniqueness of who you are, the mysteries of your intrinsic gifts and talents, and most important, the potential you have for change? If your answer was “None,” then my response to you is to focus on your potential, not on the condemning messages of what you did or did not do. Be empowered today, knowing that you deserved that chance to evolve, to work 
on your potential, and you deserved the chance to do it a non-judgmental environment.

Understanding the mechanisms of rejection and knowing that it is never, and I repeat, never warranted or earned are the most fundamental keys to safeguarding your self esteem and sense of self worth. This is a choice. You have to make a choice about how you are going to understand the messages of rejection you receive everyday, and how you are going to, or not going to, integrate these messages into your psyche.

If you are struggling with rejection as a result of a divorce, childhood abuse/neglect, discrimination, repeated failures, or any other acts of betrayal you may need the help of a therapist to most effectively apply the techniques discussed in this article. Group therapy is particularly helpful. Initial one-to-one therapy may be necessary to prepare you for group work. Remember that facing your fears, expressing and sharing your experience, no matter how shameful, is vital in overcoming the aloneness that rejection creates and which sustains its impact.

Make a choice today to focus on the dynamic you and your untapped potential and you will be unscathed by any experiences of rejection.

Claire Arene, MSW, LCSW is a licensed clinical social worker specializing in relationship crisis, mental health disorders, Christian therapy, motivational counseling & supportive therapy. She holds a master of science degree in Social Work from Florida International University, Miami, Florida and pursues ongoing doctoral level training in clinical psychology.  www.goodtherapy.org/claire-arene-therapist.php

  

Understanding Anger, Love and Forgiveness. . .

It All Starts With Love

 

An Article by William DeFoore, Ph.D*

We are born with the need to love and be loved, and no one, even the 
best parents, can meet that need perfectly. Therefore we all feel hurt as 
a natural part of life. And of course, there are those hurts that are inflicted by abuse, abandonment and neglect, in some cases extreme.
 

From this pain, fear and anger naturally emerge. It makes perfect sense 

to be angry when you're hurt. Anger is an important place to visit, you just don't want to live there. Here is where love and forgiveness come in. Total forgiveness is the process of letting go of anger and resentment so that you can go on with your life. Love and forgiveness are for you, not for the forgiven. That is essential to understand.

Anger and forgiveness seem very different from each other, in the sense that anger involves an intense focus on the "wrongdoer," and forgiveness involves shifting focus off of that person and moving on with your life. Yet there are some ways that anger and forgiveness are the same.

How Anger and Forgiveness are the Same

Unhealthy anger and premature forgiveness both include:

·      Judgment

·      The "one-up" position

·      Dishonoring to yourself

When you are angry at someone and blaming them, you are definitely judging them and putting yourself in a "one-up" position. The way you are dishonoring yourself here is that you are failing to look at your own creative responsibility in the situation. This is the hazard of the "blame game." When you are into blaming others for your feelings, situation or plight, 

you are making yourself a victim and denying your own power and responsibility.

Premature forgiveness is forgiving someone when you're not through being angry. You are still judging them, and therefore you're seeing yourself as "one-up." You are dishonoring yourself by pretending to forgive in your mind, when your heart and gut are still carrying anger and resentment. Total forgiveness is a matter of body, mind and spirit release and resolution, and it just can't be done if there is residual anger.

Here are some important truths to remember when you're angry:

·      The other person is responsible for his/her actions that triggered your anger. You are not responsible for their behavior.

·      You are responsible for your emotional reaction and for your actions that result from your emotional reaction. They are not responsible for your emotional reactions or your behavior that results.

Here are some other ways that anger, love and forgiveness are
the same. When anger is healthy, and forgiveness is authentic,
both involve:

·       Love

·       Power

·       Release

·       Letting go

·       No more victim position

·       Operating in a container of love

Both healthy anger and total forgiveness involve the power of healthy release and letting go, which takes you out of the victim position. This can only occur in a container of love and forgiveness. Anger can only be healthy when accompanied by some degree of wisdom and love, and the five stages of forgiveness can only be completed when they are based on love for yourself and/or another person.

Understanding Anger

Anger is the most misunderstood emotion. Most people just think it is bad. Here are some common misconceptions: 
 

·       Anger is a bad emotion and should always be controlled 

·       It is possible to be without anger completely

·       It is wrong to be angry

·       To be angry means to be out of control

·       Anger is the same thing as aggression

·       When a person is angry that means they are not safe to be around

These misconceptions result from the lack of understanding of healthy anger. Healthy anger is:

·       A feeling you have when you're threatened or opposed

·       A protective emotion

·       Powerful energy that can be used for positive outcomes

·       Fuel for effective action

Have you ever taken action about something that made you angry? Think about MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Drivers. They got mad, and took action in healthy, appropriate ways to resolve the problem leading to their pain and anger. There is no doubt that MADD has moved through the five stages of forgiveness. Here's the bottom line on healthy anger: Healthy anger fuels effective action!

Understanding Total (Heartfelt) Forgiveness

 

Total forgiveness is something that only your body can do. Surprised by that? Here's the deal. Anger and resentments are held in the body as well as the mind, and your mind can decide to forgive long before your body is ready. Literally, your body has a mind of its own. Here are some things to understand about forgiveness:

·       Forgiveness is not just a decision that you can make in your mind.

·       Forgiveness requires an emotional and physical release to be complete.

·       Your body is capable of holding onto anger long after your mind thinks it has forgiven.

·       Forgiveness does not absolve the wrongdoer--you don't have that kind of power.

·       Withholding love and forgiveness does not hold the wrongdoer accountable--everyone is accountable whether you forgive or not.

·       Forgiving doesn't mean you have decided that what the wrongdoer
did is okay.

·       You don't have to wait for the wrongdoer to change for you to forgive.

·       You won't be able to forgive until you have fully examined the depth and extent of your wounds.

·       You won't be able to forgive until you have acknowledged the full depths of your anger.

·       Forgiveness is for you.

·       Love and forgiveness are good for your health.

·       Total forgiveness allows you to be more loving and joyful.

You will know that you have forgiven when your body is relaxed and your breathing is deep and easy – while you visualize the wrongdoer and say,
"I accept you for who you are, with all of your best and worst. I no longer need you to change. I forgive you for myself, so that I can be free. I forgive you so that I can let go of resentments and feel love and joy in my heart, mind and body." Your body will tell you if love and forgiveness are complete.

The Five Stages Of Forgiveness

 

1.    Develop a clear understanding of the wrongdoing or harm that was done to you and who is reponsible. Be aware that the love and forgiveness you are looking for will also depend on you recognizing your own responsibility for what happened.

2.    Identify and acknowledge all of your feelings in response to what happened, including pain, fear and anger primarily. Writing about these feelings can be extremely helpful for emotional healing.

3.    Talk through these feelings with a trusted confidant - a good friend or trusted counselor.

4.    Fully release all negative emotions, including anger, fear and sorrow. You must give full, complete and healthy expression to your anger to arrive at love and forgiveness.

5.    Choose joy, peace and well being for yourself.

Keep in mind that the five stages of forgiveness may require a lot of time, counseling and emotional healing. Each of the above stages might take 

as much as a few weeks or months each, depending on the depth of emotional pain that has been experienced. Just keep the faith, and know that you can find peace, love and forgiveness again!

Keys To Emotional Health

·       Take responsibility for your actions and emotions

·       Do not accept blame for anything

·       Place responsibility for others' actions and emotions on them

·       Do not blame anybody for anything

Here are some thoughts to consider about Love:

·       Love can be intoxicating, and therefore can lead to unhealthy decisions

·       The need to love and be loved is the most powerful force in human nature

·       Love and forgiveness are a natural part of your spiritual essence

·       Conditional love is not really love--it is more about control

·       The only real love is unconditional love

·       You will always remember those people in your life who have loved you unconditionally

·       You are at your very best when you are experiencing unconditional love and total forgiveness

Life starts with love. Anger is an inevitable emotion, which can temporarily or permanently take you away from love and forgiveness. When you become your own best anger management resource, you can forgive. Total forgiveness is a return to love.

And the greatest of these is Love.

William DeFoore, Ph.D. is an author, counselor, coach, consultant and president of the Institute for Personal & Professional Development. In his role as a Licensed Professional Counselor, Dr. DeFoore believes in the self-healing power of each individual, and he facilitates this healing with thirty-four years of experience in a broad variety of therapeutic approaches. He has specialized in the area of anger management for the last twenty years, and in that time has authored two books, an E-book, and numerous CD programs on the topic of anger management, forgiveness and related topics.   www.angermanagementresource.com