3-Things Needed for Relationships to Work

Healthy Communication – Imago Dialogue (Part-3)

Why Dialogue?

Dialogue can help you to keep relationships fresh and dynamic, and to
get beneath conflict to rediscover a deeper connection. If I try to resolve conflict in my relationship without creating a true connection with my partner, I may just be patching things up until the next big fight comes along, or even reinforcing the problem. Imago shows that most conflicts that have a painful “charge” are only 10% about the present situation and 90% about some past wound that is causing pain now. Imagine if you could truly heal old wounds. Your partner is the
ideal person to help you do just that!

Dialogue vs. Discussion

Often when I am listening to my partner, I might also be planning how to respond. I may be fervently figuring out how to show them that they are wrong, or how to defend myself from things they say that I don’t want to hear. My reply would contain carefully chosen words which show just how much I am “in the right”, and are designed so I don’t have to hear
any more.

What I have described is not really a discussion between me and my partner. It’s what the philosopher Martin Buber called an “I - It” relationship. I'm not dealing with their reality – I’m working hard to give them a fake shiny version of me.

When we try to solve conflict in an “I - It” discussion, we may get a solution which works for a while. But it is unlikely to be the best solution for us both long-term, and leaves the true underlying reasons for conflict unresolved.

Dialogue helps people cut through their natural defenses to create a more genuine connection, which Buber called “I - You.” When we are both honestly and openly involved in exploring issues, we can discover the real source of pain. Listening and talking about this in a loving, safe space can open up within ourselves amazing potential for an improved relationship.

When my partner and I fell in love, we had a sense of destiny drawing us together. It felt like there was a path together which was greater than the course of our separate lives. Dialogue enables us to unfold that path, and experience the love we dreamed of. 

“Your Partner is Another Person – Get it!”

There are many ways in which dialogue can enrich our lives:

•     We can make better decisions, because we can share together
      a full understanding of what we both need. 

•     It’s a lot more fun and passionate. I get to continue discovering
      the amazing other person who loves me.

•     It can be a wonderful path of discovery, not just of my partner,
      but about me. Often I find that our partner’s thinks better of me,
      than I do of myself.

Imago Dialogue Starts with Safety

If I am going to meet others in an authentic way, and lower my protective shell, I need to feel safe. The structure of the Imago Dialogue provides safety. The first rule is to banish all shame, blame and criticism. That might sound tough if I am really angry at my partner for all the things they did or didn’t do. How can I tell them how much they are hurting me,
if I can’t criticize?

But, I also need to make it safe for my partner to listen to me. And that means to always talk about my own feelings, not about their actions. What does this mean to me? Why am I frustrated? What do
I feel? The key is to make it easy for my partner to remain open,
and to be available to hear.

Stop Talking, Start Connecting

Listening to my partner may be the most difficult part of the Imago Dialogue, especially if we are going to talk about a hard subject. Am I going to hear something painful? Will I want to jump out of my chair and run out? Will I want to shout and deny it?

Listening well can sometimes be a very courageous act. To be available to listen and truly hear what concerns your partner means putting aside all my spontaneous reactions to it. As the words come out, my first reaction might be to think “No – they've got it wrong – it’s not like that!” The key to creating an “I - You” relationship is to put that aside, and instead listen without judgment. I need to open myself up to hearing my partner’s reality and, by hearing that, to truly connect with them. If I deny it, then I break the connection, and start an argument.
Try it and practice.

Create Space for the Relationship

Before you start to dialogue, it’s good to create some space where your relationship can grow. You can do this in the room, by sitting on facing chairs, knees close together, with eye contact. But it’s also a good idea
to spend a few moments quietly too, and become aware of the two of
you. Let your breathing be quiet, and remind yourself to be calm, with
no shame, blame or criticism as you speak, no judgment as you listen. Something beautiful is being created between you. Martin Buber called it the “sacred space” when two people met as “I - You”.
Now you can start!

The Steps of Imago Dialogue

Imago Dialogue is a unique three step process for connection, developed by Harville Hendrix PhD and Helen LaKelly Hunt PhD. Although it looks simple, the process was formulated through extensive study of psycho-logical theories of relationship, and clinical work with couples.

The three steps are Mirroring, Validation and Empathy, and they are described in detail below. The essence of dialogue is any conversation in which people agree to listen to others without judgment, and accept their views as equally valid as their own. We have found the Imago Dialogue to be a particularly effective way to start off on your journey
to connection.

You can find directions on how to use the Imago dialogue here. What follows is a description of how to use each step. The Imago Dialogue is initiated when a partner asks for an appointment and the other partner agrees to participate.

3-Things Needed for Relationships to Work

1 – Mirroring

Using “I” language, one person sends a “message” to convey his/her thoughts, feelings, or experiences to the Receiver (“I feel. . .” “I love. . .” “I need. . .”). They should avoid shaming, blaming or criticizing their partner, and instead talk about themselves.

In response, the Receiver echoes the Sender’s message word-for-word or by paraphrasing, using a lead sentence like, “Let me see if I’ve got you. You said. . .”

Mirroring helps me to listen to what the other person is actually saying rather than listening to the reactions and responses going
on in my head while my partner is talking.

Then there’s a beautiful question the receiver can ask. “Is There More?” When I ask that question I leave a little time, to show I really mean it, and want to hear more. Often my partner might pause, “Well no. . .
er. . . let me see. . . maybe there is.” Often as they are given space and time, they will go deeper and share more with me, and that sharing can be the most fascinating part.

Keep on with it. You might be more encouraging – “Wow. Interesting.
Is there more about that?” The more I reassure my partner that I am open to what they are saying, the more I can voyage on a wonderful journey into their world, and experience connection, even if do find the subject area challenging or unfamiliar.

When my partner says “No, that’s all,” then I can try a summary.
“So, in summary I heard you say that. . .“  Then check that you got
it ALL. My partner might often say “Well you missed this little bit –
and it’s quite important to me that you hear it.”

2 – Validation

When I mirror my partner well, they will probably already be feeling that I have heard their point of view, and seen that for
them it is valid. But it’s nice to say that too.

This part of the process can be quite hard too, if my partner has a very different perspective on things from me. But to be connected, it’s important for me to recognize that what my partner says makes sense for them. Sometimes their view might be so different from mine that I am tempted to think that they must be wrong. But in dialogue, creating the connection is paramount. Who is right and who is wrong doesn’t matter. Harville Hendrix likes to say: “You can be right, or you can be married!” With this process, you might even discover that you can find a solution together where it doesn’t matter whether either of you are right or wrong over this issue, because the underlying pain is what really needs to be addressed. Precisely because you are in relationship with another person, it is healthy to be able to accept that
you hold different viewpoints.

After I have summarized my partner, I can validate them by simply saying “That makes sense to me.” I don’t have to agree with them, but show that I respect their reality. If I can, I might go on “That makes sense to me because. . .” Sometimes as I watch my partner when I see this, I can see a physical sign of relief. It’s a lovely thing to have your views
[and feelings - rbd] validated by another.

3 – Empathy

The third and final step of the Imago Dialogue is empathy. In the empathy step, I imagine what my partner might be feeling. Feelings are simple words like “Angry, Sad, Lonely, Afraid, Happy, Joyful, etc.”

I would just ask my partner “I imagine you might be feeling afraid, and perhaps a little sad too. Is that what you are feeling?” Then I check in with my partner, and if they share other feelings, then mirror them to show I heard. “Ah, a little excited too.”

Did you try that with your partner? How do you feel? Did it help you understand them a little more, and bring you closer? I hope so. It has made a huge difference in my life.

Directions for a Simple Imago Dialogue

You can begin to use the Imago Dialogue to share with your partner something that concerns you, and that you would like to share with them. A great way to start using the dialogue is to share something that you appreciate about your partner. Try it, and see how you feel when your partner mirrors back your appreciation of them.

Here are some specific phrases you can use as you
practice dialogue:

SENDER
I would like to dialogue (talk) about. . .     Is now okay?     I feel. . .    
I love. . .     I need. . .     What’s bothering me is. . .
 
RECEIVER
1 – Mirroring
Let me see if I’ve got you.     I heard you say. . .     Or, You said. . .
Am I getting you?     Or, Did I get that?     Is there more about that?
 

(Summary Mirror)
Let me see if I got it all. . .?     Am I getting you?     Did I get all of that?     Or, Is that a good summary?
 
2 – Validation
You make sense to me, and what makes sense is. . .     I can understand that. . .     Given that. . . I can see how you would see it that way because sometimes I do . . .

3 – Empathy
I imagine you might be feeling. . . Is that what you’re feeling?

NOW. . . SWITCH ROLES!

http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/articles/imago_dialogue.html 
  

Relationships – From Conflict to Hope

An Introduction to Healthy Communication
through Imago Dialogue (Part-1)

 
(An Article by Harville Hendrix)

At some point in their relationship, couples often find themselves struggling with anger and shock, despair and sadness. Some are newlyweds, and can’t understand how they have plummeted from the heights of love and glory into a swamp of hopelessness and conflict. Others have been married for many years, and though they have been slogging along – in calm or storm – their days of wine and roses are a
dim memory. Even if life at home is relatively peaceful, couples lament
that they have “nothing in common anymore.” And so they lead a disappointed or angry co-existence, each with their own friends and interests, in a marriage of convenience, or an arrangement they endure
“for the sake of the children.”

Shattered dreams, whatever form they take, are painful. But there is hope. In fact, the pain and conflict of committed relationships arise not out of lack of love for our partners, but from a misunderstanding of what love relationships are about. Your conflict can be the very fuel for the fulfillment you seek.

Why do We Fall in Love?

What is really happening when we fall in – and out of – love? What's really going on when couples fight?

To gain insight into the hidden agenda of a relationship, we need to look
at the complex process of human growth and development, and at how
we human beings fit into the larger scheme of things.

I believe that we are creatures of nature, and that we all begin life in a state of relaxed and joyful bliss. If our caretakers are attuned to our wants and needs, ready and able to provide warmth safety and sustenance, our feelings of aliveness and well-being are sustained. We remain whole.

But even in the best of circumstances, our parents are not able to maintain perfect standards, to be available every minute, to always understand exactly what is needed or to meet every demand. Tired,
angry, depressed, busy, ill, distracted, afraid – our parents fail to sustain our feelings of security and comfort.

Every unmet need causes fear and pain and, in our infantile ignorance,
we have no idea how to stop it and restore our feeling of safety. As a response, we adopt primitive coping mechanisms ranging from constant crying to get attention to withdrawing inward and denying that we even have needs. Meanwhile, throughout our childhood, we are also
being socialized, molded by our caretakers and communities to fit into society. Observant and malleable, we learn what to do to gain love and acceptance. We repress or disown parts of ourselves that society finds unacceptable or unlovable. Our sense of "all-rightness" diminishes, and we end up as shadows of our whole, true selves.

Most of us had “good enough” caretakers; we do all right. Some of us didn’t fare so well, and our lives are handicapped by deep hurts. All of us were wounded in childhood to some extent. We are now coping as well as we can with the world and our relationships, but parts of our true nature were suppressed in the unconscious. We look grown up – we have jobs and responsibilities – but we are walking wounded, trying to live life fully while unconsciously hoping to somehow restore the sense of joyful aliveness we began with.

When we fall in love, we believe we've found that sense of joyful aliveness! Suddenly, we see life in technicolor. We nibble each others' ears and tell each other everything; our limitations and rigidities melt away. We're sexier, smarter, funnier, more giving. We feel whole, we feel like ourselves. Finally we feel safe, and breathe a sigh of relieved deliverance. It looks like everything is going to turn out all right, after all.

Why does Falling in Love go Wrong?

But inevitably – often when we marry or move in together – things just
start to go wrong. In some cases, all hell breaks loose. The veil of illusion falls away, and it seems that our partners are different than we thought they were. It turns out they have qualities that we can't bear. Even qualities we once admired grate on us. Old hurts are reactivated as we realize that our partners cannot or will not love and care for us as they promised. Our dream shatters.

Disillusionment turns to anger, fueled by fear that we won't survive without the love and safety that was within our grasp. Since our partner is no longer willing to give us what we need, we change tactics, trying to maneuver our partners into caring – through anger, crying, withdrawal, shame, intimidation, criticism – whatever works. We will make them love us. Or we may negotiate for time, love, chores, or gifts.

The power struggle has begun, and may go on for many years, until
we split. Or we settle into an uneasy truce. What is going on here? Apparently you have found an Imago Partner. Someone, I'm afraid, who is uniquely unqualified (at the moment), to give you the love you want. Furthermore, this is what's supposed to happen!

Let me explain. . . We all think that we have freedom of choice when it comes to selecting our partners. But regardless of what it is we think we're looking for in a mate, our unconscious has its own agenda.

Our primitive "old" brain has a compelling, non-negotiable drive to restore the feeling of aliveness and wholeness that we came into the world with. To accomplish that, it must repair the damage done in childhood as a result of unmet needs, and the way it does that is to find a partner who can give us what our caretakers failed to provide.

You'd think, then, that we would choose someone who has what our caretakers lacked. If only that were so! But the old brain has a mind of its own, with its own checklist of desired qualities. It is carrying around its own image of the perfect partner, a complex synthesis of qualities formed in reaction to the way our caretakers responded to our needs. Every pleasure or pain, every transaction of childhood, has left its mark on us, and these collective impressions form an unconscious picture we're always trying to replicate as we scan our environment for a suitable
mate. This image of "the person who can make me whole again,"
I call that the Imago.

Though we consciously seek only the positive traits, the negative traits of our caretakers are more indelibly imprinted in our Imago picture, because those are the traits which caused the painful experiences we now seek to heal. Our unconscious need is to have our feelings of aliveness and wholeness restored by someone who reminds us of our caretakers. In other words, we look for someone with the same deficits of care and attention that hurt us in the first place.

So when we fall in love, when bells ring and the world seems altogether
a better place, our old brain is telling us that we've found someone with whom we can finally get our needs met. Unfortunately, since we don't understand what's going on, we're shocked when the awful truth of our beloved surfaces and our first impulse is to run screaming in the opposite direction.

But that's not all the bad news. Another powerful component of
our Imago is that we seek the qualities missing in ourselves that got lost in the shuffle of socialization. If we are shy, we seek someone outgoing; if we’re disorganized, we’re attracted to someone cool and rational. But eventually, when our own feelings – our repressed exuberance or anger are stirred, we are uncomfortable, and criticize our partners for being too outgoing, too coldly rational, too temperamental.

Why is Conflict Good?

Being aware of ourselves is the key; it changes everything. When we understand that we have chosen our partners to heal certain painful experiences, and that the healing of those experiences is the key to
the end of longing, we have taken the first step on the journey to
Real Love.

What we need to understand and accept is that conflict is
supposed to happen. This is as nature intended it: Everything in
nature is in conflict. Conflict is a sign that the psyche is trying to
survive, to get its needs met and become whole. It's only without this knowledge that conflict is destructive. Divorce does not solve the problems of relationship. We may get rid of our partners, but
we keep our problems, carting them into the next relationship.
Divorce is incompatible with the intentions of nature.

Romantic love is supposed to end. It is the glue that initially bonds two incompatible people together so that they will do what needs to be done
to heal themselves. The good news is that although many couples become hopelessly locked in the power struggle, it too is supposed to end. Regardless of what we may believe, relationships are not born of love, but of need; Real Love is born in relationships, as a result of understanding what they are about and doing what is necessary to have them.

You may already be with your dream partner, but at the moment, he or she is in disguise – and, like you, is in pain. A Conscious Relationship itself is the practice you need to restore your sense of aliveness. The goal of Imago Practice is to change the power struggle and set you on the path of Real Love.

How to Make Conflict bring us Closer

Many couples' problems are rooted in misunderstood, manipulated, or avoided communications. To correct this, we have created the Imago Dialogue, the core skill of Imago Practice.

Using this effective communications technique, you can restructure the way you talk to each other, so that what you say to each other is mirrored back to you, is validated, and empathized with. You can use the Imago Dialogue to tell each other all about your childhoods, to state your frustrations clearly, and to articulate exactly what you need from each other in order to heal. Clear communication is a window into the world of your partner; truly being heard is a powerful aphrodisiac.

Over time, we move from a staring at exteriors to a sharing of interiors, as we learn to participate in the emotional realm of the other, while holding onto our own, separate experience. Initially, Dialogue may feel artificial. With practice, it will become seamless and connecting. In the Dialogue, both partners cross a bridge into each other’s worlds, motivated not only by the Receiver’s desire to be “hear and understand” but also to meet the Sender’s need to be “heard and understood.” The Dialogue fosters intentionality, a commitment to slow down our lives and devote specific uninterrupted time to our relationships. The Dialogue ultimately says to the other, “I respect your otherness; I want to
learn from it. And I want to share mine with you.”

One of the greatest learnings of Dialogue is the discovery of two distinct worlds. Whenever two people are involved, there are always two realities. These realities will always be different in small and large ways, no matter what. And the reality of the other person can be understood, accepted, valued, and even loved but not made to be identical to our own.

Finding True Love

The Dialogue must also be turned into action: we give our partners what they need, and not just what is easy to give. Now we come to the heart of the matter: in a Conscious relationship we agree to change
in order to give our partner what he/she needs. This is a radical idea. Conventional wisdom says that people don’t change, that we should simply learn to accept each other as we are. But without change [real Transformation - rbd], there is no growth; we are confined to the fate, to remaining stuck in our unhappiness.

Change is the catalyst for healing. In changing to give our partners what they need, we heal our own painful experiences. Our own behavior was born in response to our particular deprivations; it is our adaptation to loss. In giving our partners what is hardest for us to give, we have to bring our hidden selves out into the light, owning and enlivening parts of ourselves. When we change our behavior in response to our mate, we heal our partner and ourselves.

I call the process by which we alter our entrenched behaviors to give
our partners what they need “stretching,” for it requires that we conquer our fears and do what comes unnaturally. Our resistance reflects our defenses. Often we may feel that we're losing ourselves but we are
not ourselves now; it is in the crucible of change that we regain ourselves.

Over the course of time, as our partners demonstrate their love for us, as they learn about and accept our hidden selves, and as we stretch to love our partners, our pain and self-absorption diminishes. We restore our empathic feelings for our partners, and our feelings of connection to the other that were lost in the pain of our childhood. Finally we learn to
see our partners for themselves, with their own private world of personal meaning, their own ideas and dreams, and not merely as extensions of ourselves, or as we wish they were. We no longer say, "You liked that awful movie?" but rather, "Tell me why you liked that movie.
I want to know how you think."

Finally, we can relax; everything is all right.

A conscious relationship is a spiritual path which leads us home again,
to joy and aliveness, to the feeling of oneness we started out with. All through the course of Imago Practice, we learn to express love as a behavior daily, in large and small ways: in other words, in stretching to give our partner what they need, we learn to love. The transformation of our relationships may not be accomplished easily or quickly; we are setting off on a lifelong journey.

http://www.harvillehendrix.com/

 

Understanding Relationship Breakdowns

Taking a Look at Commitments and Communication

Some of us know how it is – one day, a spouse or partner just decides that they simply “don’t want to (or can’t) do this, anymore.” It’s something that seemingly happens “out of the blue,” so to speak. But chances are, as I’ve experienced, the breakdown of the relationship DIDN’T just happen overnight. More likely, it was something that had been building up, or rather breaking down, for quite some time.

Perhaps one or both partners simply weren’t PAYING ATTENTION to what was occurring, relationally. But then again, either partner might have been aware of exactly what was happening (along with the resulting emotional distance) and yet, simply didn’t know WHAT to do to or HOW to “fix it.” All too often, we wind up just pretending (denial) that something that was said or done (or wasn’t said or done) simply wasn’t all that important, and that we need to “let it go” or perhaps “get over it.” Then again, maybe we just made up our minds to “Be Nice” to each other. Now unfortunately, most of those perspectives usually go along with the “don’t sweat the small stuff” ideal. But when the “small stuff” involves feelings and relational matters, well I’ve learned (the hard way) that it’s probably best to deal with these issues, as they occur. In my own life, I’ve learned that the “small stuff” often DOES matter, and I’ve wished that I had known better.

Quite often, it’s in our inability (and/or unwillingness) to deal with things in a “healthy way,” as they occur, that allows the “sun to go down on our anger” (our relational hurts) over and over. Then one day, it would seem that the sun just doesn’t come out, anymore. Personally, I know what that’s like and maybe you do, too – and eventually it really hurts.

Now although I don’t believe that “time heals” anything, I do believe that
in time, ALL THINGS are revealed – even the true heartfelt feelings of
our supposedly committed relationships. I’ve also experienced that, over time, our deepest unhealed hurts and the true condition of our previously wounded hearts will eventually come to the surface in any relationship – committed or otherwise. But in sharing my thoughts and experiences here, I’ll be writing about relationships in which there IS some defined sense of commitment – verbal, vowed or otherwise.

Commitments are On-Going. . .
They’re NOT just One-Time Events

Commitments in relationships are often made with the best of intentions. However, I’ve come to accept that there’s a really big difference between being “In Love” versus our being committed (and able) to Loving
one another unconditionally and without expectations. And for our commitments to truly last, I’ve also found that Forgiveness will play a HUGE role.  

Still, when either partner in a relationship decides that it’s over (unless
the breakup is mutual), it’s often quite easy for one partner to remind
the other, “We had a commitment – we made vows to each other.”
Honestly, I tried using that “Statement of Judgment” and it didn’t
work at all. If anything, it resulted in creating even more animosity and a greater emotional distance. People who are hurting don’t need to be challenged about vows and obligations – they need to be Loved, unconditionally. Truly, I've wished I could have known what I've been learning over the past few years, prior to the breakup of my marriage.
But, perhaps I needed to go through that difficult and painful experience just so that I could come to the place of really WANTING to LEARN how to do things differently – especially in a committed relationship.

Unfortunately, as time goes on, the “for better or worse” vows which
so many of us have shared with each other can often seem to disappear. Now the strange thing about reciting those words, for those of us who are “Believers” so to speak, is that those particular words are nowhere to be found in the Bible. So if God’s Word is Eternal, which I believe it is, it’s really no particular wonder to me that the “words of man” often don’t last. Promises and vows, just like a “ring,” are simply no guarantee for having a committed, lasting, healthy and happy relationship with another person.

Pastor and author Andy Stanley recently did a 4-part video series called “Staying in Love.” I encourage you to consider taking the time to view the short videos by clicking on this link: http://yourmove.is/watch/staying-in-love/

Here are a few quotes from Andy's series:

-  Promises and Vows (Commitments) don’t make us capable or able,
   they just make us accountable.

-  When you become accountable for something you’re not capable
   of doing, you become miserable.

-  Just because we make a promise to someone, doesn’t mean
   we have the ability to “pull it off.”

-  When you commit to something you can’t do, the Promise is worthless.

-  Without our individual willingness to look at our past and change
   [often, Healing is necessary - rbd], it’s likely that our future will be
   a mere reflection of our past.

When people are disappointed or hurt over an ongoing period of time in which there’s no healthy conflict resolution, the continuing “heartbreak” can eventually have a “last straw.” In my experience with a 17-year marriage, the “last straw” didn't seem to be all that devastating (at least
to me) at the time of the actual breakup. But, that’s why it’s referred to
as a “straw” – straws aren’t all that heavy until they’re the “last one” which breaks the proverbial “camels back.” Eventually, without reconciling the painful relational events that occur and being able to relieve the ongoing burdens of an unhealthy relationship (and the wounded hearts that are involved), it just gets to be too much for one or both partners.

I feel that a truly committed relationship is NOT a “one-time event” based upon some heartfelt words that are shared between two people during a special ceremony. It’s really something that has to be WORKED AT and re-committed to on a daily basis. And very much like the concept of “Soul-Mates,” I've come to truly believe something I recently read by psychologist John Grey, Ph.D: “You don’t just meet a “Soul-Mate”
and live happily ever after, like the myth that we would all prefer
to believe says. Instead, I’ve observed that real world Soul-Mates BECOME that – by growing together in certain ways and working through challenges successfully.” And let’s be honest – who HASN’T felt “challenged” in their committed relationship at one time or another, or perhaps even over and over?  

To have a truly “Healthy Committed Relationship” with another person requires something more than just words and promises. Ideally, it requires an “Agreement of Two Hearts.” Now there’s something in the Word of God which I have come to personally believe and experience in my own life. And that is, “Can two walk together, unless they have agreed to do so?” (Amos 3:3). The bottom-line is when two people are no longer
“in agreement” over “whatever,” the supposedly committed relationship is going to be difficult, if not eventually impossible. So, perhaps we need to take a look at a larger component of committed relationships – and that’s in the area of “Healthy Communication.”

Healthy Communication –
It’s HOW we SAY it. . . and HOW WELL we LISTEN

As my older, wise brother told me during the break-up of our marriage, “BOTH of you need to be willing to LEARN a ‘whole new style of communicating’ with one another, if there’s going to be any hope
of a reconciliation and restoration of your broken relationship.”
And truly. . . he was right. It wasn’t just me or just her – it was BOTH of us. “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” (James 1:19)

Quite often, what we say and what another person actually “hears” can really be two very different things. And to make our committed relationships even more difficult, if there are unresolved issues (unhealed hurts) that we’re carrying within us, which we haven’t been able (or willing) to deal with, then our ability to speak and/or listen to our partners in a healthy way will be negatively affected – even if those unresolved issues were from other relationships in our past.

Part of the growing problems in my failed committed relationship stemmed from the fact that neither of us we’re really all that capable of expressing
or sharing our feelings in a “Healthy Way.” For many of us, we’ve learned these unhealthy styles of communication by the examples we were given during our childhood. Many of us grew up in households which had a “No-Talk Rule.” That is, rather than observing our parents working through differences and challenging relational issues in a “Healthy Way,” we saw them respond harshly to one another, disengage, or perhaps even just “play nice.” The heartfelt issues simply weren’t addressed and seemed to disappear. Truly, I think we all know better?

This month, I’ll be sharing the introduction to an article on Healthy Communication referred to as “Imago Dialogue.” I’ve divided the article into three parts (Parts 2 & 3 to follow) to eliminate the need for one long reading. I’m hoping you’ll take the time to read the articles and think
about (even consider practicing) what is shared. Here’s to “going back
to school” so we can hopefully learn some “Healthy Stuff” about developing Committed, Lasting, Healthy and Happy Relationships.

R Butch David

  

“Oh, I Was Just Kidding!”

Why Sarcasm Hurts and Destroys Relationships

(Sharing an Article by Dale and Jena Forehand)

Back when I was in high school, I had a science teacher who was really quite a “Wise Guy.” Some of us who didn’t know any better thought he was really funny. But in truth, despite his knowledge of science and his ability to teach the subject, he was really one sarcastic guy. Perhaps, in some ways, the subject of science wasn’t all that he was teaching. . .

Throughout the one hour class, the teacher would often make sarcastic remarks. At a given moment, it could have been any one of us that he’d wind up picking on. Unfortunately, the rest of us would often laugh. And just in case a student was openly offended by one of his remarks, he’d cover up his hurtful comment up with “Oh, I was just kidding! Come on now, don’t be so sensitive (while laughing). Besides, I only pick on people I like – so, I guess I’ll have to quit picking on you.” I’ve come to experience that people who hurt others with sarcasm often defend
their hurtful remarks, toward the victim, through their own denial or by invalidating another's feelings – and that tends to hurt even more.

In my own life, I was always smaller in size than a lot of my peers – at least until I was in my late teens. Over time, part of my defense in being picked on by others. . . was in my words. When people hurt me physically or verbally, I would often retaliate by making cutting remarks or purposely hurtful comments. It was my way of “getting back at them.” In my own immature (wounded) thinking at the time, “All’s fair in love and war,”
isn't that right? 

Unfortunately, I carried that same attitude with me for a good part of my life. Eventually, I came to realize that sarcasm wasn’t funny and by no means was it Truly Loving. I had hurt a lot of people with my careless words through sarcasm – even those that I supposedly cared about and loved. In my own wounded and rationalizing defense, I would somehow try to convince myself, and others, that I was merely giving them “attention.” And, that I was somehow showing them that “I cared about them” with
my thoughtless words. But honestly, I’ve come to learn there are far better ways to show someone that you care about them – other than the use of sarcasm.

Now, it seemed that the “I only pick on people I like” statement really stuck with me for a long time. Perhaps it got stuck in one of the “broken places in my heart.” Truly, that’s not a defense on my part. Rather, I’ve come to learn and accept that we often wind up treating others the way we truly feel about ourselves deep inside – even in the hurtful ways that others have treated us. You see, people use to pick on me verbally quite a bit. And, I guess that “a hurt” is often a lot like the common cold – once we get it, it’s easy to pass it on. In time, I came to discover How Sarcasm Destroys Relationships.

Fortunately, God allowed me to come to a place in my own Healing Journey in which I seldom, if ever, use sarcasm in my conversation with others anymore. But before I got there, I was allowed to experience how badly sarcasm hurts – all over again. And honestly, it hurts real badly. Still, there’s been an occasion where I’ve caught myself making a joke (sarcastic comment) to someone only to realize soon after, that I hurt them. By Grace, they were the kind of friends who would quickly “call me on my stuff.” And, I’ve learned to be sensitive enough to acknowledge their hurt feelings and even more so. . . to apologize. Humor is great, but when our humor is at another person’s expense – well, it’s just not funny and it hurts. I’ve been learning to be a bit more sensitive, both to
the hurts that I’ve encountered and to others, as well. 

The following article shares some insight as to why sarcasm should be eliminated in our conversations. Although the article is written about the use of sarcasm in Marriage, I feel it provides an understanding of how hurtful sarcasm can be in any relationship. I also believe that God can heal the hurts within us that cause us to be sarcastic with others. Sometimes, we need to get to the source of our own pain before we can truly learn how to Love and communicate in a healthy way.

R Butch David  

Sarcasm: The Verbal Enemy at the Gate

(By Dale and Jena Forehand) *

The word sarcasm doesn't sound too pleasant. It seems to leave a bad taste in your mouth when you say it, but even more so when you use it. The Greek form of this word, sarkasmos, means "to tear flesh, bite
the lips in rage, sneer." And Webster's dictionary defines sarcasm as "a sharp utterance designed to cut or give pain." Wow, all of that in one small word. Yet, from experience, we know that the emotional impact of sarcasm is far from small.

Sarcasm to Divide and Conquer

Sarcasm is one of the most harmful verbal tactics used against a spouse. It destroys communication and unity in marriage. One of
the oldest military strategies is to divide and conquer. Our enemy, Satan, still uses that tactic to destroy families. Satan first seeks to separate you and your spouse emotionally. Then he moves in and seeks to separate you and your spouse physically. When this occurs, he is in the perfect position to conquer your marriage. In the midst of conflict, the enemy begins outside the gate of your marriage, cunningly tempting you and
your spouse to wage war through verbal attacks. And sarcasm often is Satan's weapon of choice. We've all used comments like, "Whatever"
or "Oh yeah, I forgot. You're perfect." And the list goes on. The following acrostic will help you understand why sarcastic remarks are so damaging to marriages. As you read, prayerfully consider how sarcasm shows up
in your relationship with your spouse.

Sarcasm Stings

Sarcasm is much like a bee sting. When a bee stings, the direct hit
of poison causes immediate pain and inflammation. Sarcasm does the same thing. Sometimes, we use sarcasm to voice harsh words we otherwise would not say, often intentionally hurting others. Once the pain is inflicted, however, we retreat, saying, "Oh, I was just kidding." But
the sting of our words hurts so much that those we have injured withdraw. Our words don't feel like jokes at all. Jesus' words should be
a warning to those of us who are tempted to use sarcasm as a weapon: "But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken." (Matt 12:36).

Sarcasm Aggravates

Do you want to make an already bad situation even worse? Then use sarcasm. Sarcasm will aggravate rather than improve any situation. Just as a child continues to scratch an insect bite, further irritating the area and causing infection, the use of sarcasm can take a small disagreement and turn it into a verbal war with emotional casualties. In Paul's letter to Titus, he said we are to live "self-controlled, upright and godly lives" (Titus 2:12). Sarcasm is not evidence of a self-controlled or godly life.

Sarcasm for Retaliation

Often the motivation for sarcasm is retaliation: "You hurt me, so
I'll hurt you." When this occurs, the conflict usually escalates to a game of verbal one-upmanship. The enemy wants you to recall every single argument or unkind word your spouse has ever spoken. In response, your words often drip with sarcasm as you exhume and relive past hurts and pains again and again. In Luke 6:37, Jesus admonished His followers to "forgive, and you will be forgiven." Forgiveness means letting go of past hurts rather than holding on to them and attacking your spouse with reminders of them.

Sarcasm for Control

Sarcasm can be used to control a conversation. The more sarcastic
a person becomes, the more control he or she has over the conversation. The other party will often yield territory or end the conversation just to escape the verbal darts. Jesus said that "Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." (Matt 12:34). What are your words saying about your heart?

Sarcasm Alienates

Sarcasm alienates and often humiliates the other person. Some people seem to think if they can get the first verbal shot in during a disagreement, their spouses will retreat. In the process of trying to
protect themselves with sarcasm, they damage their partners in ways
that are often irreparable. James 1:19 reminds believers that we should
be "quick to listen" and "slow to speak." Instead of trying to get
the first verbal shot in, listen to your spouse and really seek to understand his or her point of view.

Sarcasm Shames

Sarcastic remarks usually seem like no big deal to the person
who makes them. But to the recipient, those words make lasting impressions that scar to the very core of the heart. Many times, sarcasm shames a person, causing them to feel belittled and unworthy. When shame takes root in the heart, it can cause disastrous behavior, because the person now feels worthless and seeks desperately to find anything that will make them feel otherwise. Shaming a partner or spouse is a serious offense with serious consequences. Jesus said, "By your words you will be justified, and by your words you will
be condemned." (Matt 12:37).

Sarcasm Manipulates

Often, self-centeredness motivates a person to use sarcasm.
A person seeking to have their own needs for approval, affirmation, and value met by a spouse may use sarcasm to convey that those needs are not being met to his satisfaction. In contrast, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." (Philippians 2:3-4)  It is foolish to think sarcasm is going to draw your spouse to you. Sarcasm destroys intimacy, but putting your spouse's needs first is a sure way to
build intimacy.

Lay It Down

If we know the enemy uses sarcasm to tear down marriages, then what can we do about it? We need to lay down the weapons of our enemy and pick up the weapon God has given us through His Word. Colossians 3:12-17 provides the perfect answer:

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

The apostle Paul made it very clear that we are to put on the Heart of Christ. This involves a daily dying to self – putting off self to make room
for putting on Christ. He calls us to forgive one another. If you have used sarcasm in your relationship, you need to ask your partner's forgiveness. Then, seek the love of Christ as your sole motivation and focus, so you and your spouse can live in perfect unity. The love of Christ is the glue that bonds Christians together perfectly. And the peace of God is what should control us. Are your words controlled by
a desire to seek peace and unity, or are they driven by your fleshly desire to sting, aggravate, retaliate, control, alienate, shame, and manipulate through sarcasm?

The enemy is camping out at the gate of your marriage. He is lurking about, seeking to find that one open crevice where he can enter. If he
has been entering in and camping out in your home through the use of sarcasm, it is time to cast this verbal enemy out and lock the gate behind him. Die to yourself; fill your heart and mind with the words of Christ – and allow His love, peace, and compassion to be the source of every word that proceeds from your mouth.

*www.stainedglassministry.com/

Lastly, here's a music video reminder about our need for healthy and positive communication in all of our relationships. And if not, well then. . . "One Thing Leads to Another."
  

Coping with Our Critics

(By Lewis B. Smedes)

I am going to talk with you about how to cope with people who set themselves up as your critics. We all have critics; I have had a fair share of them in my time. All of us have people around us who tell us whether we dress right, talk right, think right, or do right. Critics can make us
feel guilty, or ashamed, or just plain incompetent – if we let them. So one of the most important lessons about life that I, for one, am still learning, and maybe you are too is this: How to cope with our critics?

There are two mistakes people often make when they are trying to cope with their critics. One mistake is to ignore them. But the trouble with ignoring our critics is that we may discover that they were right and that we would have been better off if we had listened to them. So it is a mistake to ignore our critics. On the other hand, it is an even bigger mistake to take them too seriously – to let them have the last word, as if they were our judges and were always right. The trick, then, is to listen to our critics, but never, never let our critics be our judges.

Here is the key. A critic is one thing. A judge is another. Critics give us their own opinion, and it is up to us to take it or leave it. But judges are different; when they deliver their judgment, we have no choice, we simply have to take it. This is why I say: listen to your critics, but never let them be your judges.

The Apostle Paul had his share of critics and what he said to his critics has always been helpful to me. I recommend it to you. You can find his words in the New Testament at the very beginning of the 4th chapter of
1 Corinthians. "With me it is a small thing that I should be judged by you – or anybody else for that matter. I do not even judge myself. . .
It is the Lord who judges me."

You will notice that he had three kinds of critics: first, other people, second, himself, and, third, the Lord. Three critics. We have the very
same ones: other people, our own selves, and the Lord.

Let’s first talk about our human critics: Our friends, people who go to our church, our mothers, even our own children. They can criticize us for just about everything. The apostle’s critics, for instance, were carping at him for the way he carried on his missionary work. How did he respond? He simply said: "I am listening. I hear what you are saying. What you say matters to me. But when the chips are down, and you have
had your say, your words are never the last word for me. You are not my judges."

When we let our critics become our judges, we let them decide whether we are good enough or beautiful enough to be loved and accepted. I knew a woman once who had just about everything a beautiful woman, fifty-ish, could want: besides being good looking, she was well educated, and wealthy, and on top of that she was a very good, generous human being.

But with all her fine qualities, she was miserable. Deeply depressed, sometimes thought of taking her own life. How did she get in that terribly sad state of mind? I will tell you. She got into that sad state of mind by letting her critics become her judges. She had lived her whole life to win their approval. She lived in fear that if she did not measure up to their judgments, she would not be good enough for anyone, especially God, to love her. What happened to this wonderful woman? I am happy to say that she finally learned how to deal with her critics. She found the courage to say to them all, "I respect your criticism, but from now on, I will not let you be my judge."

Very often we have the hardest time when our critics are the very people we love and admire. When I was in college, I had a wonderful teacher whom I greatly admired. And I wanted his approval above almost every thing else. And if I did not have his approval I would be crushed. In short I was letting my professor and critic be my judge. It took me a long time to say to myself: "I want him to be my critic, I will always take his opinion seriously. But I will not let him be my judge." I can tell you that the day I decided that my college idol would not be my judge, I found a new freedom to follow my own path without worrying about what he thought of what I was doing. Critics are a blessing. We can all profit from them. But they can be a curse if we let them be our judges.

Our second critic is our own self. God has made us with the ability to examine our own lives, to take stock of ourselves and be our own critics. The only way we will ever improve our lives is by being critical of ourselves. But, oh, we make a huge mistake if we become our own judges. The apostle Paul knew this, so when he refused to let his critics be his judges, he added these words: I do not even judge myself.

It is important here to recall the difference between a critic and a judge: a critic gives you his or her opinion and you can accept it or your can reject it. But when a judge pronounces his or judgment, you are stuck with it.

The apostle was his own toughest critic. He took the measure of his own life and criticized himself very honestly. He said: "I find that I often do the very things that—in my deepest spirit – I do not really want to do. And I often fail to do the very things that, deep in my spirit, I really want to do." Yes, the apostle was his own toughest critic. And he urged us to examine ourselves and be critical of what we see in ourselves. But be our own judges? Not on your life.

We are simply not competent to judge ourselves. When we take stock of
ourselves, we tend to see what we want to see. When we're feeling good about ourselves we want to see only the good things about ourselves. When we get down on ourselves we actually look for bad things in ourselves. How we see ourselves is always blurred by the mood we are in. When we feel good about ourselves, we are too easy on ourselves. When we feel down, depressed, we are too hard on ourselves. The Bible says that all our hearts are deceitful, and they never deceive us so badly as when we are trying to examine our own selves.

Besides, we are too complicated for us to understand ourselves – even when we are honest with ourselves. The smartest psychiatrist in the world can spend five years with a patient and never really unravel the mystery of his patient’s spirit. Look inside yourself, and you will find shadow and light, evil and goodness, ugliness and beauty, hate and love, all mixed up together like a tossed salad.

I worry about people who, when they look inside themselves, always come up feeling smug, and thoroughly pleased with themselves. I also worry about people who look inside themselves and come up feeling as if their souls were cesspools. Neither of them has seen themselves for what they really are.

Their mistake is not that they criticize themselves. Their mistake is that they judge themselves. I know good people who are going through life judging themselves to be flawed and blemished and hopeless persons. Yes, I worry about good people who judge themselves and always find themselves wanting.

On the other hand, I have known people who made a living by lying and cheating and stealing who convinced themselves that they were really models of good character. Yes, I worry about people judge themselves and always find themselves innocent.

No wonder the apostle Paul said to his critics: I not only refuse to let you be my judges, I do not judge myself. I criticize myself, but I do not judge myself. Which leaves just one more critic – The Lord Himself.

The apostle not only refused to let his human critics be his judges, he would not let himself be his own judge. But now comes the clincher. It was not as if he refused to be judged by anyone. He had a judge and told his critics who his judge was. He said: "My judge is the Lord." Think for a moment. God is qualified to be our judge because he knows us right down to the core, knows everything there is to know about us, good, bad, and indifferent.

How can we live with the one critic who really has the competence to be our judge? For myself, I have found that the way to live with my divine critic is to know that whenever he judges me, he also loves me, forgives me, and accepts me. Nothing I have ever done or ever will do can persuade God to reject me.

Jesus himself had critics who judged him to be deserving of the death penalty. But, what his judges didn't know was that when they condemned Jesus to death, God himself was in Jesus bearing their judgment. And since that moment when God was judged, He is the God who forgives.

One last word. . . We all have to live with critics. That’s life. But the
only critic who is qualified to be our judge is the Lord himself. And the good news about our divine judge is that He refuses to condemn us. Let me put it in Paul the apostle’s own words: There is therefore no condemnation. No condemnation. No condemnation at all. There is only forgiveness. There is only Love.