Who Taught You HOW to Forgive?

"Forgiveness and Restoration". . . Not Exactly

In the words of popular singer-songwriter Don Henley (The Eagles):  

"I've been tryin' to get down, to the HEART of the matter. . . Forgiveness, Forgiveness." Yeah maybe, and then again - maybe not.

Recently, I found an article entitled "Forgiveness and Restoration" 
on the Christian Website, Focus on The Family. Unfortunately as I read through it, I found only a few points that were related to the concept of “Biblical Forgiveness" and NOTHING regarding true "Biblical Restoration.” In fact, I found the article to be a pretty good example of what "Forgiveness and Restoration" ISN'T. And, I felt truly saddened. 

Although appearing in the title, the word “Restoration" is nowhere to 

be found in the entire article.* So I questioned, “WHY” would the following article be under the heading and title of “Forgiveness and Restoration” when it omits ANY mention of Restoration? I've listened to Focus on 
The Family on the radio for years and found the majority of their programs to be very loving and Christ-like. So I ask the question, did someone at Focus on The Family miss something?

“Forgiveness” is more than just a “clinical term” used to relieve our consciences when someone has hurt us. It’s a HeartMatter that ultimately affects our ability to love. . . the way Christ loves us. Forgiveness also affects our ability to HEAL.

I forwarded a copy of the article to Ken Unger (Author and Spiritual Therapist). In Ken’s own words, “Nowhere in the article is there any mention of ‘Heartfelt Forgiveness’ or the healing of emotional wounds.” 

In his healing book The Ultimate Breakthrough, Ken writes:

“One of the key things that holds us back is a misunderstanding about forgiveness. It’s what I call premature forgiveness. We all know we’re 

to forgive those who wronged us. But, I’ve seldom heard forgiveness taught the way Jesus taught it. He said unless we forgive from the heart we won’t be forgiven, and there’s the rub.

“True forgiveness is more than a simple act of the will. It’s a heartfelt release of our judgments against another, and that’s a lot more complicated. . . Unforgiveness is one of the terrible ways we bind 

people on earth. Heartfelt forgiveness is one of the marvelous ways 

we can loose them. If you’re having a hard time forgiving, relax. Ask the Lord for help. Pray for wisdom, work on healing your own pain, and ask Him to enable you to release your judgments. If necessary, talk through the issues with the people who have wronged you. One way or another you’ll eventually be able to forgive them ‘from the heart'.

“How do you know when you’ve done that? If you find yourself saying,  

'I forgive you but I never want to see you again', you haven’t forgiven. Forgiveness is only real when you can sincerely wish the person well who has harmed you. When you can truly bless those who cursed you, then you and they will both be free. . . With God’s help, we can genuinely forgive and be free of our bitterness and resentment.” 

It’s a fact that broken relationships and divorce tend to be increasing, 

even in the “Christian Community” at large. Ultimately, when considering the majority of advice given in the article below, the larger question of  

“Is it any wonder?” comes to the surface. Maybe you’ve received the following “Brand of Forgiveness” from someone in your life – and I bet it  

"it hurt like hell." But, I agree that “God often allows us to have these hurtful experiences so we’ll know how NOT to treat others.”

Granted, I do feel there were a few points in the complete article, regarding forgiveness, that did make sense – especially if the relationship involved physical abuse or other life-threatening circumstances. But considering the article's title, I also feel the general tone was truly lacking, regarding "Forgiveness and Restoration." I've included those particular points 
from the article, which clearly fall short, when it comes to Heartfelt Forgiveness as Jesus taught. And so, I dare ask the question. . . ?

What would it be like for ANY OF US if God was only able and willing to forgive each of us according to the advice given in the following article? My guess is that Heaven would be a pretty lonely and empty place. If we think about it - without Heartfelt Forgiveness, even as Jesus professed while on the Cross, there truly is NO Salvation or Restoration. . . FOR ANY OF US! And, if any of us aren't so sure about that, maybe we should ask Peter (the Apostle) or perhaps the Prodigal Son, or even the woman (or man) caught in adultery.

Without our willingness to bring Christ "into those hurts" to Heal them - 
we have no ability to FORGIVE FROM THE HEART. If we're not willing to FEEL IT, Christ can't HEAL IT. Without Forgiveness - we have no capacity to truly Love. And without Love, relationships simply cannot endure.

On a personal note: Although I admit to knowing nothing of the personal wounds which the author has endured in her life, I genuinely sense a lot 
of pain and woundedness in her heart from unhealed hurts in her past. Whatever wounds she's experienced from others must have hurt real badly. I pray for Christ’s Healing of her broken heart and for Heartfelt Forgiveness in her soul. Maybe sometimes, “We need to forgive others for not being able to forgive us.”

Love Never Fails - Love Always Forgives,  

R Butch David

*The following article, “Forgiveness and Restoration” by Rose Sweet, 

may be viewed in its entirety at the following website link: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/divorce_and_infidelity/forgiveness_and_restoration.aspx

Forgiveness and Restoration

by Rose Sweet

Why Do We Find It So Hard to Forgive?

One reason we resist forgiving is that we don't really understand what forgiveness is or how it works. We think we do, but we don't.

Most of us assume that if we forgive our offenders, they are let off the hook — scot-free — and get to go about their merry ways while we unfairly suffer from their actions. We also may think that we have to be friendly with them again, or go back to the old relationship. While God commands us to forgive others, he never told us to keep trusting those who violated our trust or even to like being around those who hurt us.

The first step to understanding forgiveness is learning what it is and isn't. The next step is giving yourself permission to forgive and forget, letting go of the bitterness while remembering very clearly your rights to healthy boundaries.

Granting Forgiveness

• Forgiveness is not letting the offender off the hook. We can and should still hold others accountable for their actions or lack of actions.
• Forgiveness is returning to God the right to take care of justice. By refusing to transfer the right to exact punishment or revenge, we are telling God we don't trust him to take care of matters.
• Forgiveness is not letting the offense recur again and again. We don't have to tolerate, nor should we keep ourselves open to, lack of respect or any form of abuse.
• Forgiveness is not the same as reconciling. We can forgive someone even if we never can get along with him again.
• We have to forgive every time. If we find ourselves constantly forgiving, though, we might need to take a look at the dance we are doing with the other person that sets us up to be continually hurt, attacked, or abused.
• We don't always have to tell them we have forgiven them. Self-righteously announcing our gracious forgiveness to someone who has not asked to be forgiven may be a manipulation to make them feel guilty. It also is a form of pride.
• Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. It's normal for memories to be triggered in the future. When thoughts of past hurts occur, it's what we do with them that counts. When we find ourselves focusing on a past offense, we can learn to say, "Thank you, God, for this reminder
  of how important forgiveness is."

From A Woman's Guide to Healing the Heartbreak of Divorce, 
published by Hendrickson Publishers, Inc. Copyright © 2001, 
Hendrickson Publishers, Inc.
 

What is Real Love?

A Perspective. . .

Did you ever try to be kind and loving to someone and in return, they seemed to resent, despise or even appear to hate you? I think that at one time or another, many of us have experienced that dilemma in various relationships. I mean, what do you do when you’re purposely being kind and loving to someone and they respond in an unkind and unloving way? Just recently, I watched Mel Gibson's movie The Passion for a second time - I think Jesus had more than a little experience with that. . .

As I look back, I remember a time in my life when some people tried their best to love me in whatever form they felt constituted their love. According to Dr. Gary Chapman, that "Love" might have appeared in the form of "Words, Gifts, Acts of Service, Quality Time, or Physical Touch" (The Five Love Languages). Yet, I now know that because of my previously unhealed emotional wounds – and that is to say, the way I felt about myself “inside” at the time, I really wasn’t able to receive love and kindness from others. . . something about it seemed to "hurt."

It’s been said that “People often treat others the way they ‘truly feel’ about themselves.” Just as when you truly don't feel forgiven or perhaps haven’t forgiven yourself, neither can you forgive others. And when you don’t or can’t love yourself, neither can you truly love others or accept their love. 
I think it boils down to, “You can’t receive (or give) what you don’t have 
or FEEL within you” – that is to say, within your own Heart (your Soul). Heartfelt Forgiveness and Unconditional Love are both a choice. And, "Whoever has been Forgiven of much, can Love much. . ." (paraphrased).

I’ve personally had the recurring experience of "not trying to affect the outcome,” especially in relationships and situations which seem difficult. Rather, I’ve found it’s best to allow God to work things out - after all, “He’s NOT on vacation.” Maybe sometimes, Real Love is about “letting go” and allowing people to decide for themselves whether or not they will receive our love. As always, maybe the best thing to do is just to pray. . .

The following is an internet article with a non-religious (secular) perspective about “Real Love.” Granted in most things, regardless of the source, there can be “Meat and Bones.” Still, I felt there were some very good and true points made in the following article that make sense. And, as Jesus says, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13)

Love Never Fails

R Butch David
 

Real Love

An Article by Colette Dowling, LMSW*

True love is not only hard to find, it’s also hard to tolerate. Such an idea may seem counterintuitive, but if you ponder it long enough to really get it, it could change the way you think about love.

All of us have been wounded in some way, either by early love relationships or later ones. Naturally, we create defenses to avoid 
getting hurt again - but we also maintain defenses against love itself. Why? Because loving responses from others can often cause us anxiety and sadness. Love hurts, as the song goes. So unconsciously we do a little dance to avoid being truly loved. It tilts our world and creates anxiety. Sometimes it’s easier to settle for the illusion. We create fantasy relationships that may have the outward signs of commitment, but which lack the joys and tensions of real love. We don’t have to worry about losing something if we don’t actually have it to begin with.

Or maybe we actually do manage to fall in love. Why is it that romance fades so quickly? Because soon after making the big commitment, we’re busy locking love into a compartment far removed from day-to-day reality. And far removed from the way we actually behave toward the one we at least started out loving. "Internal fantasies of love on the part of one’s mate, without the appropriate external behavioral manifestations, have no value for the recipient other than to disturb his or her reality testing," write Robert Firestone and Joyce Catlett in Fear of Intimacy.

That is, when you’re getting the talk but not getting the behaviors that are supposed to go with it, it can be crazy-making. A discrepancy between claims of love and actual behavior is a definite red flag.

So what is love? Firestone and Catlett offer an eye-opening definition. They describe love as "those behaviors that enhance the emotional well-being, sense of self, and autonomy of both parties". Anyone who claims to love another will behave in certain ways – or else they’re not really in love. True love is about appreciating and respecting the true nature of the other person and supporting his or her personal freedom. It’s not about fixing or changing the other person. It’s not about using the other person for one’s own sense of identity or personal security. Ideally you will have those things in place before you go off and "fall" for someone.

Which brings me to the subject of sexual attraction. Sex, in and of itself, has almost nothing to do with love. You can be dying to go to bed with someone and have no more ability to really love that person than to make a moon landing. Of course, if you really do love someone, ideally you will also be sexually attracted to that person. Mature love requires an integration of emotional attachment and sexual desire. The erotic feelings are an extension of the affection partners feel for one another.

People enter therapy because of their conflicts over love. What they don’t realize, often, is that they are without the capability of truly loving another because they haven’t yet worked out their own identity issues. They’re looking for someone to "complete" them and make them feel whole. That is not the foundation of Real Love.

*Colette Dowling, LMSW, is a writer and a psychotherapist with a practice in New York. She has written many books on psychological issues relevant to women.
  

OVERCOMING REJECTION. . .

"Man, That's GOTTA Hurt!"

In a recent sermon I heard, a pastor asked his congregation, "How many 

of you have NEVER experienced 'rejection' in your life?" Surprisingly, three people in the church raised their hands. His response was, "Well good 
for you. . . now, stand up and the rest of us will give you some - just so you KNOW how it feels!" And as a close friend of mine often says,
"God often allows us to feel these kind of hurts, so we'll know how
NOT to treat others."

Yeah, REJECTION is really quite a BIG DEAL - especially when it occurs in a close, personal and intimate relationship. If that weren't true, than maybe Jesus was just kidding when He cried out those words on the cross. . . "My God, My God, WHY have You forsaken Me?"  Truly, Jesus had (and still has) a very close, personal and intimate relationship with His Father. . . "I and the Father are One." (John 10:30) And, I guess a relationship doesn't get any closer than that.

It would seem, and has been said, that the wounds He bore on our behalf and even the crucifixion itself wasn't what caused Christ to "give up His Spirit" and die for us. Granted, He willingly gave up His life for our salvation - so that we may live. But still, some have preached that is was "His separation from the Father" - that ULTIMATE REJECTION, that caused him the most pain. . . even unto death.

Following is an article about "Overcoming Rejection" which I found on the internet. I truly believe it is God's full intention for each of us who has experienced the potentially devastating effects of rejection to be "brought back to life," just as His Son was. And again, the healing of those rejecting wounds lies in our willingness to "forgive from the heart," 
as Christ forgives us.

Love Never Fails - Love Always Forgives,

R Butch David 

The Most Important Step to Overcoming Rejection 

An Article by Claire Arene, MSW, LCSW*

Rejection creates a feeling of being unwanted which then reduces 
self esteem. The more intimate the relationship in which rejection is experienced, the greater the damage done, and the more challenging 
it can be to overcome the effects.

Although rejection may occur in entirely different spheres of human relationships, it generally conveys the same messages of non-acceptance such as:

• There is something wrong with you.

• You are disliked.

• You will never change.

• You do not belong in this group.

• You are at fault / you did something wrong, or unacceptable.

• You are not one of us.

The ability to subvert the harmful, long lasting effects of being rejected depends on your ability to understand the behavior of the individual who rejects, the way you choose to interpret the messages conveyed by rejection, and how you choose to integrate those messages into your sense of self.

That is right! Your response to rejection, the power it exacts, or does not exact over you is a CHOICE. I hope this article empowers you today by the knowledge that you can be completely unscathed by what is otherwise a very ego damaging experience simply by choosing not to internalize the negative message you have received.

Rejection assigns blame; it is by assigning blame that the party, who is rejecting the other party, is able to feel absolved and free 
of any responsibility to work on the relationship or situation. “You” (what you did, who you are, or what you did not do), is the focus of rejection and the means by which the blame it assigns is expressed.

This is why when coaching clients in effective communication techniques, I generally encourage them to avoid the word “YOU” when issues arise and effective and assertive communication is needed.

To avoid internalizing your experience of rejection, you must proactively make a choice to face your fears, as well as express and share your experience no matter how shameful. In doing so, you reduce your feeling of aloneness. As you face your fears, and share the emotions provoked by your experience, you are sure to encounter others with similar stories… maybe worse. This is very vital in “turning the tide” of being rejected, suddenly your focus shifts from you, and what you may, or may not have done, to the knowledge that rejection is just an experience like any other negative experience. It is not about you, because if it was, there would not be so many others with similar stories, or worse.

Is rejection ever justified? In my opinion, this would be similar 
to asking if it is ever justified to blame, fault-find, or condemn. Rejection begins with and ends by identifying the faults in the other party. It never acknowledges the strengths, the untapped potential, or change-ability of the individual. It is not an expression of loyalty, and contributes nothing to a relationship except to absolve the person blaming from any responsibility to engage in problem solving or remain loyal.

For anyone dealing with rejection, it is frequently not what was done, 
but how it was done, what was said, and how the entire situation played out that ultimately results in that sense of unworthiness. To overcome feeling rejected, you must detach yourself from these memories of your experience and instead attach yourself to the reality of your unknown potential.

How do you stop feeling that you earned the rejection you received because of some fault in your personality, or deficiencies in your physical attributes, or because you could not be all you were expected to be? Here is a little exercise: jot down on a piece of paper, all the reasons for which you suspect, or maybe have even been told, that you were not worthy of love or acceptance. Which of these reasons detract from the uniqueness of who you are, the mysteries of your intrinsic gifts and talents, and most important, the potential you have for change? If your answer was “None,” then my response to you is to focus on your potential, not on the condemning messages of what you did or did not do. Be empowered today, knowing that you deserved that chance to evolve, to work 
on your potential, and you deserved the chance to do it a non-judgmental environment.

Understanding the mechanisms of rejection and knowing that it is never, and I repeat, never warranted or earned are the most fundamental keys to safeguarding your self esteem and sense of self worth. This is a choice. You have to make a choice about how you are going to understand the messages of rejection you receive everyday, and how you are going to, or not going to, integrate these messages into your psyche.

If you are struggling with rejection as a result of a divorce, childhood abuse/neglect, discrimination, repeated failures, or any other acts of betrayal you may need the help of a therapist to most effectively apply the techniques discussed in this article. Group therapy is particularly helpful. Initial one-to-one therapy may be necessary to prepare you for group work. Remember that facing your fears, expressing and sharing your experience, no matter how shameful, is vital in overcoming the aloneness that rejection creates and which sustains its impact.

Make a choice today to focus on the dynamic you and your untapped potential and you will be unscathed by any experiences of rejection.

Claire Arene, MSW, LCSW is a licensed clinical social worker specializing in relationship crisis, mental health disorders, Christian therapy, motivational counseling & supportive therapy. She holds a master of science degree in Social Work from Florida International University, Miami, Florida and pursues ongoing doctoral level training in clinical psychology.  www.goodtherapy.org/claire-arene-therapist.php

  

Understanding Anger, Love and Forgiveness. . .

It All Starts With Love

 

An Article by William DeFoore, Ph.D*

We are born with the need to love and be loved, and no one, even the 
best parents, can meet that need perfectly. Therefore we all feel hurt as 
a natural part of life. And of course, there are those hurts that are inflicted by abuse, abandonment and neglect, in some cases extreme.
 

From this pain, fear and anger naturally emerge. It makes perfect sense 

to be angry when you're hurt. Anger is an important place to visit, you just don't want to live there. Here is where love and forgiveness come in. Total forgiveness is the process of letting go of anger and resentment so that you can go on with your life. Love and forgiveness are for you, not for the forgiven. That is essential to understand.

Anger and forgiveness seem very different from each other, in the sense that anger involves an intense focus on the "wrongdoer," and forgiveness involves shifting focus off of that person and moving on with your life. Yet there are some ways that anger and forgiveness are the same.

How Anger and Forgiveness are the Same

Unhealthy anger and premature forgiveness both include:

·      Judgment

·      The "one-up" position

·      Dishonoring to yourself

When you are angry at someone and blaming them, you are definitely judging them and putting yourself in a "one-up" position. The way you are dishonoring yourself here is that you are failing to look at your own creative responsibility in the situation. This is the hazard of the "blame game." When you are into blaming others for your feelings, situation or plight, 

you are making yourself a victim and denying your own power and responsibility.

Premature forgiveness is forgiving someone when you're not through being angry. You are still judging them, and therefore you're seeing yourself as "one-up." You are dishonoring yourself by pretending to forgive in your mind, when your heart and gut are still carrying anger and resentment. Total forgiveness is a matter of body, mind and spirit release and resolution, and it just can't be done if there is residual anger.

Here are some important truths to remember when you're angry:

·      The other person is responsible for his/her actions that triggered your anger. You are not responsible for their behavior.

·      You are responsible for your emotional reaction and for your actions that result from your emotional reaction. They are not responsible for your emotional reactions or your behavior that results.

Here are some other ways that anger, love and forgiveness are
the same. When anger is healthy, and forgiveness is authentic,
both involve:

·       Love

·       Power

·       Release

·       Letting go

·       No more victim position

·       Operating in a container of love

Both healthy anger and total forgiveness involve the power of healthy release and letting go, which takes you out of the victim position. This can only occur in a container of love and forgiveness. Anger can only be healthy when accompanied by some degree of wisdom and love, and the five stages of forgiveness can only be completed when they are based on love for yourself and/or another person.

Understanding Anger

Anger is the most misunderstood emotion. Most people just think it is bad. Here are some common misconceptions: 
 

·       Anger is a bad emotion and should always be controlled 

·       It is possible to be without anger completely

·       It is wrong to be angry

·       To be angry means to be out of control

·       Anger is the same thing as aggression

·       When a person is angry that means they are not safe to be around

These misconceptions result from the lack of understanding of healthy anger. Healthy anger is:

·       A feeling you have when you're threatened or opposed

·       A protective emotion

·       Powerful energy that can be used for positive outcomes

·       Fuel for effective action

Have you ever taken action about something that made you angry? Think about MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Drivers. They got mad, and took action in healthy, appropriate ways to resolve the problem leading to their pain and anger. There is no doubt that MADD has moved through the five stages of forgiveness. Here's the bottom line on healthy anger: Healthy anger fuels effective action!

Understanding Total (Heartfelt) Forgiveness

 

Total forgiveness is something that only your body can do. Surprised by that? Here's the deal. Anger and resentments are held in the body as well as the mind, and your mind can decide to forgive long before your body is ready. Literally, your body has a mind of its own. Here are some things to understand about forgiveness:

·       Forgiveness is not just a decision that you can make in your mind.

·       Forgiveness requires an emotional and physical release to be complete.

·       Your body is capable of holding onto anger long after your mind thinks it has forgiven.

·       Forgiveness does not absolve the wrongdoer--you don't have that kind of power.

·       Withholding love and forgiveness does not hold the wrongdoer accountable--everyone is accountable whether you forgive or not.

·       Forgiving doesn't mean you have decided that what the wrongdoer
did is okay.

·       You don't have to wait for the wrongdoer to change for you to forgive.

·       You won't be able to forgive until you have fully examined the depth and extent of your wounds.

·       You won't be able to forgive until you have acknowledged the full depths of your anger.

·       Forgiveness is for you.

·       Love and forgiveness are good for your health.

·       Total forgiveness allows you to be more loving and joyful.

You will know that you have forgiven when your body is relaxed and your breathing is deep and easy – while you visualize the wrongdoer and say,
"I accept you for who you are, with all of your best and worst. I no longer need you to change. I forgive you for myself, so that I can be free. I forgive you so that I can let go of resentments and feel love and joy in my heart, mind and body." Your body will tell you if love and forgiveness are complete.

The Five Stages Of Forgiveness

 

1.    Develop a clear understanding of the wrongdoing or harm that was done to you and who is reponsible. Be aware that the love and forgiveness you are looking for will also depend on you recognizing your own responsibility for what happened.

2.    Identify and acknowledge all of your feelings in response to what happened, including pain, fear and anger primarily. Writing about these feelings can be extremely helpful for emotional healing.

3.    Talk through these feelings with a trusted confidant - a good friend or trusted counselor.

4.    Fully release all negative emotions, including anger, fear and sorrow. You must give full, complete and healthy expression to your anger to arrive at love and forgiveness.

5.    Choose joy, peace and well being for yourself.

Keep in mind that the five stages of forgiveness may require a lot of time, counseling and emotional healing. Each of the above stages might take 

as much as a few weeks or months each, depending on the depth of emotional pain that has been experienced. Just keep the faith, and know that you can find peace, love and forgiveness again!

Keys To Emotional Health

·       Take responsibility for your actions and emotions

·       Do not accept blame for anything

·       Place responsibility for others' actions and emotions on them

·       Do not blame anybody for anything

Here are some thoughts to consider about Love:

·       Love can be intoxicating, and therefore can lead to unhealthy decisions

·       The need to love and be loved is the most powerful force in human nature

·       Love and forgiveness are a natural part of your spiritual essence

·       Conditional love is not really love--it is more about control

·       The only real love is unconditional love

·       You will always remember those people in your life who have loved you unconditionally

·       You are at your very best when you are experiencing unconditional love and total forgiveness

Life starts with love. Anger is an inevitable emotion, which can temporarily or permanently take you away from love and forgiveness. When you become your own best anger management resource, you can forgive. Total forgiveness is a return to love.

And the greatest of these is Love.

William DeFoore, Ph.D. is an author, counselor, coach, consultant and president of the Institute for Personal & Professional Development. In his role as a Licensed Professional Counselor, Dr. DeFoore believes in the self-healing power of each individual, and he facilitates this healing with thirty-four years of experience in a broad variety of therapeutic approaches. He has specialized in the area of anger management for the last twenty years, and in that time has authored two books, an E-book, and numerous CD programs on the topic of anger management, forgiveness and related topics.   www.angermanagementresource.com

A Relationship Choice. . .

Divorce as an Escape or Completion?

   
Sharing an Article by Suzanne E. Herrill

It goes without saying that we’ve all received wounds from others during our lives. That’s part of life and no one is exempt. Some of the hurts we’ve received were simply not our fault. They came from people whom we’ve encountered or had relationships with – whether it was family, friends, co-workers, lovers, spouses or even complete strangers. Sometimes the hurts we receive are intentional, but more often than not, they aren’t.

Because of the unhealed wounds we carry in our broken hearts, it’s common to hurt others even when we don’t mean to. Often, the wounds we pass on (the ways we hurt others) seem to be like the common cold. We don’t intentionally mean to give it to someone else, it just happens because we’ve had contact with them. However, just because we gave an illness (hurt/wound) to someone else, doesn’t mean that we still don’t have it, that somehow we’re rid of it. In reality, our healing isn’t dependent upon whether or not the other person sees a doctor to get well – it’s solely upon each of us to seek treatment so that WE can be healed. 

As our individual lives move forward, it’s quite common to feel that someone else is to blame for our failed relationships, or perhaps for the unhappiness (brokenness) that we continue to carry in our own hearts. After all, it couldn’t possibly be me, right? I mean, there’s just no way that I could be responsible for my contributions (hurts) to an unhealthy or failed relationship, or for my own unhappiness and brokenness, could I? Maybe we feel it’s the other person who is sick and it’s not me at all. Maybe we’re operating under a personal deception like, “I’m okay – and YOU are all messed up!”

If we think about it, nearly ALL relationships are like a “Dance Contest.” 
It takes two people who are willing and able to dance real well, in any type of relationship, to “Win the Prize.” Each person has to be willing to work on and improve their “own dance” and no one can make someone else stay on the dance floor if they are unwilling. Healthy relationships take the work of two people and each person has to be willing to “work on their own stuff” – without blaming someone else. The “Blame Game” didn’t work very well for Adam or Eve, and it won’t work very well for any of us.

The following article is by author Suzanne E. Herrill.* She shares her thoughts on how to deal with the hurts that each of us carry and how those unhealed hurts (wounds) may contribute to our current relationship troubles. I feel she sheds some light on common relationship problems and decisions in marriage, and our individual need for personal healing.

Carry on in Grace – Love Never Fails,

R Butch David

The Choice - Divorce as an Escape or Completion?

By Suzanne E. Herrill*

   

Do you ever think about divorce as a panacea (solution) for your problems? If you want to end your relationship because you have fallen out of love or passion, found someone new who looks better, do not like the patterns that showed up once the honeymoon was over, do not like some of your partner’s traits, married too young or because you were pregnant, or just plain feel you made the wrong choice, then you might want to reconsider. Why? You might be missing opportunities to learn about yourself and grow in awareness. Even though it is very popular to end a relationship when you are unhappy, I believe many people leave their relationships too soon and do not take advantage of the lessons that could be learned from their partner and the relationship.

By "cleaning house" in your own consciousness you can actually improve what you experience in your outer world of relationships, even if your partner "falls from grace" and you don’t like him/her any more. Rather than divorce, why not learn ways to transform the relationship you are already in; that is assuming it is not abusive or life-threatening. After considering transforming your relationship, then if you decide to leave, you will do it with awareness and from a place of completion, not avoidance. The theme here is to not fool yourself by leaving behind the perfect milieu in which to learn about yourself, to heal, and to grow in awareness.

Do you believe divorce is an escape from an unpleasant situation; or 
do you believe divorce to be a successful completion with a partner and that the two of you have gone as far as you can in learning lessons together? The way you answer this question is very important and can even change your interpretation of what you are experiencing in your current relationship. Many people want a divorce to get away from their partner, believing that their problems will disappear. If you talk to people who have chosen divorce and remarried, you will find it does not solve all their problems. 

Many times people repeat the patterns by attracting a new partner with similar personality traits to the last partner. You also have to look for the flip side of the coin, as it deals with the patterns too. For example, person A may have divorced a dominant, controlling partner the first time. Vowing to get away from patterns of feeling powerless, a victim, and dominated, s/he chooses the second partner with opposite traits. Over time person A becomes the dominant one, as the second partner turns out to be a "you-tell-me-what-to-do" person. Issues of power, control, assertiveness, etc. are still on person A’s agenda to work through. You still have to live with yourself and you can only attract people and situations in which you have something in common, things that resonate with your life lessons. 

There is another way to go about this. Why not transform your relationship by first enlightening yourself. You can use the current relationship with its issues, irritations, resistances, and challenges to learn more about yourself. You can experience the growth from these negative feeling experiences.

Let us look at Anna’s life to explain further. . . Anna is a woman who 
feels dominated by her partner’s strong expectations of her care-giving role. She feels in bondage to this role that she is outgrowing, but continues to please her partner to avoid conflict. She is fearful of anger because she grew up in a household with an angry, abusive father. It is difficult for Anna to risk rejection or receive criticism from her husband for not complying. This woman is very unhappy and depressed much of the time and complains whenever she is with her friends. Divorce enters her mind often and her friends have sympathy for her situation and encourage her to leave him. Use your imagination. What do you see in this woman that needs attention and awareness? What are the chances Anna will correct her problems by leaving this man at this time if she does not work on her own issues? She may even make her life worse if she leaves, especially if she has young children and is not able 
to financially support herself.

If Anna came to me for counseling and really wanted help, I would encourage her to look at herself and slow down her fantasy that a divorce would be a panacea for all her problems. Since she is unaware that many of her problems started in the dysfunctional family in which she was raised, she would need to learn some basic principles about how one is conditioned in childhood and the effects of the family system. She would benefit from building her self-esteem and improving her communication skills, as well.

There would be a lot to learn about relationships and how one’s parents influence one’s choice of a marriage partner. Anna would be encouraged to look at her patterns of thinking, learn to update her guiding beliefs, and see what some of her issues are with regard to power and authority, anger, being a victim, not feeling loved. It would be important for her to see how she chose certain patterns of behavior, such as being a people pleaser, to assure her survival and to receive love. Over time she would learn about projection and that it is much easier for her to project her issues, like anger, onto her partner and let him act it 
out for both of them. If she "owned" her own anger, she could then get a better understanding of her depression and her compliant personality and she would begin to see areas of inner conflict that she might be ready to explore more deeply.

Anna would be encouraged to journal write to help her process her feelings and some of the unaware choices made in the past. As she educates herself, processes her pain, and heals herself, she will be able to look at why she is in this current marriage and what she is learning from being with this person and in this relationship. She may realize by looking at the evolution of her family system that her marriage is better than the one her grandparents and parents had. For instance, there is no physical abuse in her marriage and many parts of the relationship and family life are meeting her basic needs—security needs for sure. Anna might be able to see that in this relationship she does have the opportunity to grow in awareness, to build her self-esteem, and to learn assertiveness and communication skills. As she works on herself, she will be different around her partner which will change the dance between them, offering the path of transformation to both of them.

As this woman no longer thinks of herself as a victim, she will be able to say, "No," to her partner and not perceive his reactive anger or criticism
as rejection. She will know her partner is upset for his own reasons, maybe feelings of insecurity, powerless, and loss of control, and that she is not responsible for his reactions, only her own. If her partner's anger or criticism gives her a problem, Anna will be aware enough now to see this as a resistance within herself about the changing pattern between them. She will know to take this piece of the drama that relates to her issues and go within to heal further her old pattern of wanting to fall back into her people-pleasing behavioral pattern.

Eventually Anna will be aware enough to figure out whether or not her partner is going to do some inner healing work too, or at least change enough so that the relationship does not stop her growth and actualizing process. At this point, it is appropriate to problem-solve and figure out whether she can still learn and grow by staying in this relationship or whether it is appropriate to draw it to a completion. She will have a very different vantage point now in deciding whether or not to stay in the relationship than when she started the journey of self-discovery and
inner healing. If she chooses a divorce now, it will be with awareness
and as the result of a completion process.

Freedom from problems in a relationship is not achieved by getting away from a partner prematurely, but from learning the life lessons that are presented to you while in the relationship. If you have been contemplating divorce, why not consider instead staying and confronting your fears, uncovering your guiding beliefs, and healing your past until such time as you complete with your partner. Then you will truly have the power of choice. You can either move out of the relationship, confident 
that you will not repeat the destructive patterns you experienced when 
you were unaware, or you can stay in the relationship transforming it as 
it unfolds to new and different horizons. Staying can then be a creative process as the relationship supports each person to heal their past, to self-actualize, and to grow into an enlightened, conscious partnership.

If you feel badly that you left a relationship prematurely in the past to get away from confronting your problems and fears, know that you did only what you could do at the time with your level of awareness. It serves no purpose to beat yourself up with negative self-talk. Forgive yourself instead for being unaware. At this point you might want to make an agreement with yourself to face your fears and problems in the present, as they will surely show up again. Issues and patterns of thinking and behaving avoided in the past repeat themselves in the future, but with different people. If the divorce was premature, you may even find your ex-partner will continue to dance with you on some of the unhealed issues. This is especially true if you have children together.

In summary, we have looked at the choice between divorcing and staying in a relationship for self-awareness and either completion or transforming the relationship. Consider the value of staying in a relationship that you feel no longer works or disappoints you. Once you build awareness and heal a lot of your own issues, you can better evaluate the choice. 
A completion with your partner servers you better in the long run, rather than avoiding or running from your issues.

*Suzanne E. Harrill, M. Ed., LPC empowers individuals to build personal awareness, heal self-esteem, create satisfying, life-enhancing relationship, and to grow spiritually. Her website is offered in service to those on the inner journey.  www.innerworkspublishing.com
   

Forgiveness. . .

Does it Still Make Sense to Forgive?

An Article by Lewis B. Smedes*

If you live long enough, some day, some time, you may be let down by somebody you trusted, and somebody you trusted to do you good will be disloyal to you. Somebody you trusted with your whole self can betray you, or perhaps even brutalize you.

The sad and tough fact is that we live in the kind of a world where decent people hurt each other, and where bad people can hurt us a lot. And sometimes what somebody else did to us seems so unfair and hurts us so deeply that it lodges inside of our soul like an indigestible lump.

Or — it’s like a video-tape playing its wretched reruns of the pain inside of our mind. And we can’t forget it, and we don’t know what to do with it, and the person who hurt us once keeps hurting us in our memories.

How do we cope, creatively, with hurts we didn’t deserve and we didn’t have coming? How do we turn them into redemptive renewal for peace and happiness in our own lives?

God invented Forgiveness as the remedy for healing the hurts we don’t deserve. He tried it on us. It was his way of coping with hurts that we caused him that He never deserved. And He invites us to try it on one another, coping with hurts we didn’t have coming through the surprising, the unexpected, the revolutionary power of forgiving.

A great Jewish philosopher echoed Jesus sometime ago when she said, “The only remedy for the irreversibility of our histories is the power to forgive.” Maybe you think there are a lot of ways. She says there is only one remedy for the pains (the hurts) of the past that we cannot undo — "The Power to Forgive."

Since I wrote my book on forgiving, I discovered that there are two questions that gnaw at peoples’ hearts and guts after they have been
hurt — especially if the hurt went deep and lasted long. One of them is — “Is it fair, is it really fair that I who have been hurt have to treat the person who walloped me as if nothing had happened? Is it fair?” And I know from my experience with people that sometimes their hurts are so deep, and the pain is so intense, and the memory is so sad, that it simply doesn’t seem fair.

Is it fair to forgive? I want to tell you that the only fair way for the person who has been hurt is to be healed of the hurt, and the only way to be healed is to forgive. Consider this. Once somebody has hurt you and you know that they didn’t have to do it, and you know that they are to blame — what are your alternatives? One alternative is to repress it and try to forget it and that spells trouble later on. That is the way of denial, and denial never works in real life.

The other way is to get even, to follow the old bumper sticker, “We don’t get mad; we get even.” I’ve got news for you — getting even never works. Getting revenge just doesn’t do it for you. In the first place, nobody ever gets even in the game of pain. Have you ever wondered why family feuds lasted until finally people got too old to lift a rifle? It’s because they were always trying to get even, and it never worked. And it won’t work with you. It doesn’t work with me.

Consider this. . . Supposing the other person isn’t even around for you to
get even with them so that it is impossible. Where does that leave you? Supposing the person who hurt you has moved away, out of reach, perhaps dead and gone. Perhaps the person who hurt you tells you to take your forgiveness and flush it down the garbage disposal, supposing you just can’t get even. Are you going to be tied forever to the escalator of pain? Are you going to be a bond slave of your own hurt? Are you going to let that person who hurt you once go on hurting by way of your memory as long as you live?

I want to tell you that the only way to be fair to the victim of hurt is for the victim to forgive. I want you to remember that the first person who gets the pay-off from forgiving is the person who does the forgiving. And remember this, forgiving is not being a patsy. Forgiving is not being a doormat. Forgivers do not tolerate everything. Forgiving is not the same thing as putting up with bad things.

I don’t know of anything that is harder to do than to forgive, but there are a lot of us who make it even harder than we need to. I’d like to tell you a few things that I have learned that don’t make forgiving easy but at least make it less hard than it has to be. Let me suggest a few to you.

The first one is this. . .

Don’t forgive because someone tells you it’s your duty to forgive.

I have never met a person yet who forgave another human being because she felt it was an obligation. Don’t do it because you have to. Do it because you want to. And when you think about it, you will realize that wallowing in the bilge of your own hate and resentment and pain is not nearly as much fun as dancing on stage to the melody of healing freedom.

Ask yourself what you really want. Do you really want to stew? Do you really want to develop ulcers? Do you really want to be hurt continually in your life? Or do you want to be free of the hurt you never had coming in 
the first place? Wait until you want to and then God will give you 
the power.

Here's another hint. . .

Don’t force yourself to do it fast.

Forgiving is tough. Forgiving is hard. God can do it in a single swoosh, but you’re not God. The first thing to remember in forgiving is that you’re not God. It takes time.

Forgiving doesn’t come for most of us in one big clump. It's like an IRA account. It’s not a bonanza at the beginning, but you work up with increments, and if you stick at it for a while you will discover that you
built up a pretty good account of forgiving power in your life. Be patient with yourself. Take your time.

Here's another hint. . .

Don't wait for the other person to come to you to say, “I’m sorry.”

That may never happen. The person who hurt you may be dead and gone. The person who hurt you may have moved away. The person who hurt you may not believe that he or she hurt you unfairly. They may never come back. And then the question is, “Do you want that person to have such control over your life that by his or her refusal to say ‘I’m sorry’, you’re stuck with your pain?” I just can’t imagine anything more unreasonable than to inflict pain on yourself that you don’t deserve just because somebody doesn’t come and say “I’m sorry.” If they come — wonderful! If they don’t — take a solo flight to freedom 
and heal yourself with the power that God gives you to forgive.

Here’s another hint. . .

Don’t demand a Hollywood ending.

Some people think that every time you forgive somebody, it has to end immediately with an embrace, and tears flowing down your cheek, and then you love each other and are better friends than you’ve ever been before. That may work sometimes but it doesn’t have to. The important thing is to heal yourself, then go on from there and take whatever God in His providence gives you by way of a new relationship with the person who hurt you.

This is going to be my last hint. . .

Don’t forgive too much.

Don’t try to forgive too much at a time. God can forgive wholesale. We need to forgive retail — one thing at a time. Be concrete. Don’t try to forgive people for what they are. Don’t try to forgive people for being slobs or unkind or cruel people. Forgive them for what they did to you last Thursday. Write it down. Be specific. Be concrete. Stick to one thing at a time.

I find in my life that most of the jobs that I do can be handled more successfully if I section them off, if I don’t try to think about doing the whole job. If I’m writing a book, I get paralyzed if I think I have to write a whole book. Sometimes I get stymied if I’m trying to write a whole chapter. But if I take this paragraph and this sentence one at a time, then finally something happens. The same is true in the game of healing ourselves.

And here’s one last thing that I have discovered in my life. I don’t have the power to forgive anybody else until I feel forgiven myself. When I know, and when I feel that nothing I have ever done will get God to love me less, and nothing I will ever do will get God to love me less, I know that he surrenders any right that he has to get even with me, and I know that he looks at me and feels about me as if I were his friend, and he blots out the memory. When I know that that’s what has happened to me, I gradually get the power to do it on other people. Feeling free to forgive because I feel freely forgiven.

When you forgive somebody who hurt you, 
you ride the crest of love’s great wave.

When you forgive somebody who hurt you, 
you walk in stride with God.

When you forgive somebody who hurt you, you set a prisoner free and then you discover that the prisoner you set free was you.

When you forgive somebody, you begin to heal the hurts 
you never deserved to have in the first place.

*Lewis B. Smedes is a professor of Theology and Ethics at Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, California, and a member of the editorial board of The Reformed Journal. He is a graduate of Calvin College and Seminary, Grand Rapids, Michigan, and has his Doctor of Theology from the Free University of Amsterdam. Dr. Smedes is a frequent lecturer and preacher, and is also the author of a number of very successful books.  www.csec.org/csec/sermon/smedes_3010.htm